Tag: back pain

Back Pain and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I am not feeling really well today. My back is still kinked up, making it hard to move and get around. I am watching my niece and just made her lunch. Now I need to rest for a bit. It is still pretty cold out. She and her cousin went out for a little bit. I went outside to see where they were but couldn’t see where. I panicked a little bit but they came home like five minutes later, much to my relief.

I was able to sneak upstairs to my room for therapy. It was another boring session. She tried to get me to get out of the trapped feeling but it’s no use. I need to do what I need to do. I know she may not like it but oh well. I really don’t care. I told her our time next week might be disrupted because my father needs to see his doctor. She didn’t like that idea. I’m going to call tomorrow and see if I can set up an appointment Wednesday. That day is supposed to be bad with weather so I might have to do it Thursday. It would be better if we can see him Friday. Then I don’t have to worry about missing therapy.

I have been listening to Eric Church via my earbuds for most of the afternoon. I find that it’s helping to pass away time while my niece and cousin do their own thing. They are watching a movie now. I am tired and really want a nap but that would be derelict in my duties so I need to stay awake. The 600 mg of IB I took seems to be helping my back pain. I can move a little better, but I still am not standing straight.

Aside from feeling physically awful with my back, I am feeling miserable mood wise. I am glad the kids aren’t talking with me because I am not in the mood to talk to anyone. I am just not talkative today. My thoughts are slow too. Just to read ten pages in a book was painful. I don’t think I am going to read anymore today. I didn’t sleep well last night. I was up every couple of hours because of back pain. Every time I moved, I hurt. I kept having to switch sides and it hurt really bad. I hope the temp stays where it is so I can recover.

I did some research today via the web. It was useful and I can draw on it to make a story out of it. I just got to think of it. But today is not the day. I am much to tired. I wish it was four already so I could go up to my room and sleep. I don’t have much of an appetite today. I had a sandwich for breakfast and a banana. That’s been it along with some apple juice. I am sure the reason for not being hungry is because I am depressed. I just don’t care about anything anymore.

I found out what my therapist wanted me to write the other day. She wanted me to write about her caring about me. There, I wrote it. Probably not what she intended me to write but oh well. That is all that I have to say on the matter.

Pain All Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

My back went out sometime this morning because of the damn temperature changes. I have been in agony with every movement. I had to do my father’s meds and the ride over there nearly killed me. It was the first time out in almost a week. The activity exhausted me. But then, I haven’t really had anything to eat today. I had cereal this morning and that has been it. I might have a cereal bar later. I am hoping my pain meds will work to take this pain away so I can at least move without it hurting so damn much.
I got to call my father’s PCP sometime in the next week to see him and to find out when to get his INR restarted. This really screws up my plans to see my therapist before my plans are initiated. Now it doesn’t look like I will see her.

I had therapy today. I told her my plans and the date on which I would do them. She seemed a little more freaked out than I thought she would be. No matter. I have another session with her tomorrow. I really don’t know why I asked for it. I have to babysit tomorrow morning and I don’t want little ears hearing my conversation with her.

After therapy, I tried to snooze and probably would have if my phone wasn’t going off with messages. I had to keep an ear out because I was waiting for my sister to call me. I never got the much needed nap and now I feel like shit. I wanted to make oatmeal pancakes so bad today but I couldn’t with my back the way it is. I don’t think I will be able to make them tomorrow because I am babysitting. It will have to wait until Friday, I guess. I should be better by then and I will have nothing to do.

I have to make some burritos soon before they go to waste. They have been sitting on my counter for at least a month now. Maybe if I feel up to it, I will make my egg burrito. There are two things that I want next week when I get paid. I want to have my roast beef sandwich with onion rings and Chinese food, not in that order. The sandwich I will get after I do my father’s meds next week. The Chinese food will probably be the next day.

My ankle is starting to hurt. Figures it has to join in the fun of bringing me pain. I already took my pain meds so that should kill the pain. My therapist wasn’t too much of a pain in the ass today like I thought she would be. She did want me to tell my psychiatrist and that I am not willing to do. I will end up in the hospital and they don’t help. It will be a waste of fucking time. I am not going back. I did tell her about my financial stress and she says I could have a payment plan with the IRS. I hope so because otherwise, I am fucking screwed. I won’t know the verdict for the next 30 days. I just hope my plan kills me rather than just knocks me out to oblivion.

Ramblings 78

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I’m feeling very low. I can’t seem to stay awake so I made myself a cup of tea. I couldn’t be bothered with the process of making coffee. My comforter is in the dryer so I should have it shortly to take a nap before my niece’s birthday party. I am just so wiped out.

My hip is being a bitch. I guess I pulled it a little more than I thought I did while changing my sheets. I tried doing a few exercises for the hip but it had no effect. Even the pretzel maneuver did nothing but I did stretch my buttock. I am cold and I just want a damn snooze. It’s 50 degrees out and I am cold. Makes no sense.

I want to write but I don’t know what to fucking write and this frustrates me. I was thinking of a story last night but nothing came of it. I am starting to think this writing thing is just something my therapist and psychiatrist want me to pursue so I have something to do with my time rather than have a career with. I haven’t sold any books lately. I sold one book the beginning of the month and that has been it. It’s hard to go on writing when you know you got to self-promote. I wish I could talk to writers about their work and what they are going through. The groups I joined on Facebook are just not for that kind of thing. And other writers are not so keen to let their writing secrets available. I have been following a writer’s tip on Twitter and they just say you got to write. I write every day on my blog, and I am happy with it. If that is the only thing I do a day, then I am happy. But it makes me depressed because I feel like I should be doing more.

I don’t know what the more would be. Maybe reading a book about writing will help. Only thing is, I can’t start something new until I finish one of the three books I have started. I don’t feel like reading today. All my energy went out the window when I changed my sheets. I really don’t feel like going to this party tonight but my niece is important to me so I will go anyways. I won’t stay too long. Just until cake is served and then I will disappear.

Last night I was looking through a book I just bought on Cognitive Therapy and suicidal patients. The safety planning was the same as what I printed out. They had a card version which I think will be better than a sheet. It really sucks being disabled. I don’t know what to do with myself. I need a routine and I don’t have one or can’t stick with one.

Tomorrow I got to make sure I eat something hearty as I will be with my father and the last thing I need is low blood sugar. I also need to make coffee because I won’t be going to Starbucks tomorrow. I have to remember a few things to bring with me. Tomorrow is going to be close to 60 degrees. I need to remember to dress appropriately or I am going to sweat my ass off. I will wear jeans and a light sweatshirt. I plan on bringing my tablet so I can read if I am inclined to. I know he is going to be in there for at least ½ hour. Wednesday is going to be a longer day as we got to meet with the doctor. My youngest sister will be with me. I am glad I don’t have to go alone with him to these appointments. I would really lose my fucking mind. He is getting more ornery and cranky lately and I think it’s because the ass doesn’t eat. Maybe I will make him a sandwich and see if he will eat it. I don’t believe I just said that. This will be the routine for the next two weeks. I am so not looking forward to it.

I haven’t had any ankle pain today, not above my normal anyways. I know that the temp changes are going to wreck havoc for me. I think that is why my back has been aching so much lately. We went from the 20s to the 50s. it’s supposed to be reasonably warm all week. I hope it stays this way but it is February. Things can change. I am glad the Farmer’s almanac was wrong about this year. Last year was brutal so I don’t think this year will be.

I think tomorrow I am going to search for PTs. I have to find one that is close to me. I would really like to go to the one in Boston next to the hospital I go to but they haven’t called me back. I will try again tomorrow morning. Hope I get a human and not a voice recording. Going back to PT just feels like a defeat. I know that I need it because my back is all messed up, but I feel like I should be able to be okay or do the exercises by a book or something. And I am worried that any strength/conditioning is going to flare up my ankle. If this happens, I doubt I am going to complete the course prescribed. And I don’t want them messing around with my ankle. I went through a course of therapy with my ankle and it didn’t fare well. I was in more pain than I was before. And I better have a therapist that is willing to work with me than say do this or else. I just hope that me waiting another 2 weeks doesn’t cause more damage than what I already have. The weird part is, I feel like I can do without therapy and then my hip will flare up.

Not Ready to Make Nice

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Not Ready To Make Nice

This song has been running in my head today. The lyrics are poignant and sharp. I am not a big Dixie Chicks fan. This song is the only song of theirs that I own. And for all I know this is the last song they recorded. I think the song is about the inherent hatred in the States at the time the song was written. The line about how a mother could teach her daughter to hate a perfect stranger speaks volumes. And then the line about “shut up and sing or my life will be over”. The Chicks got death threats after they made some comments about the current president, George W. Bush. They were a rival group who then drifted off. The reason the song is in my head today is that one of the psychologists I follow on Twitter has been going on and on about racism, how we are brought up with it, and how people are even if they say they are not. It has been bothering me all week but I can’t tell him to shut up. Who am I to tell another person this? It is HIS views on the matter. He is a white gay male and I still haven’t figured him out. Just when I think I have, he blows my mind again. He is interesting, that is for sure.

The song talks about forgiveness as well. That part resonates with me. “They say time heals everything, but I’m still waiting”. Have a listen to it. It really is a great song.

I did a few errands today then made coffee. It was good but I couldn’t finish the cup. I think I put too much cream in it. I have no plans for the day now that my errands are done. I might print off the research article so I can read it. I have been planning on doing it the last few days but can’t manage to stand up to print it. I really should clear off my bed so I can change my sheets and then print it out. Thing is, I know that changing my sheets is going to kill me for the rest of the day like it always does. I am not looking forward to it.

I didn’t take my meds last night. I haven’t really taken all my meds all week. I just haven’t been in the mood to guzzle 12 pills. So I just been taking what is necessary, or what I feel is necessary. My doc sent in my 90 day supply for my blood pressure pills but they haven’t been delivered yet. They are on route. I don’t know why sometimes I get it the next day after processing and then sometimes a week after. Makes no sense. I am running low so just been taking it once a day rather than twice a day. I really don’t want to run out. I have been monitoring my BP just to make sure it stays within normal limits. I have my other BP med to try and keep it stable until I get my new script. Tomorrow I will fill my pill box for the week so I am not playing hodgepodge. The only med that I might run out of is my allergy pill. I totally forgot to order it from Amazon but getting my groceries were more important. I have no idea why money is tight this month. I think it’s because I paid my cell phone bill twice so I can be ahead of it. I haven’t fallen behind but I like to stay a month ahead if I can.

I want to try and save money this year. It’s going to be difficult because I am on a fixed budget but I am trying to see if it’s possible. Even if I save $200 that will be something. And something is better than nothing.

I need to shower today. It’s been two days since my last one and I want to try and keep the every other day schedule. Right now I don’t feel like it but the day is still young. The coffee gave me some energy so I am going to use that to clear my bed off. Even if I take off just a few items, that will be an accomplishment. I have this corner of my bed that tends to accumulate stuff. I don’t know how it happens. I am going to tackle that area first and see how my back does. Just walking to do my errands today put a little strain on it. I really can’t wait to go to physical therapy. I really want this kink in my hip to be gone. That is the frustrating thing because once it flares up, I can’t do anything. I can’t stand or walk. I can only sit and rest until it goes away. Then my day is done. I hate back pain.