Tag: back pain

waking up with more back pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I realized I didn’t have my quote of the day so I just posted it. I don’t know what I am going to do when I am finished with this section of the book. I have been slowly reading it to get more quotes but nothing is “popping” up at me. I might have to get another book and start from there.

My back still hurts. I woke up and found myself sleeping on it. Then I really couldn’t move. It’s a little ginger when I twist or try to stand up but it is getting better, I think. Last night, I ordered a sandwich and only had half. I think the rest of it is going to be my breakfast. It’s pretty good, turkey breast with avocados, bacon, and cheese on sourdough bread. It’s the first time ordering a sandwich from this place. I usually get their burgers, but I wasn’t in the mood for a burger. Their burgers are huge and I wasn’t that hungry. I haven’t eaten much all day. Taking pain meds and muscle relaxants most of the day kind of kills your appetite and everything else. I haven’t gone to the bathroom in two days. It’s going to suck when I go. It always hurts when I go, another reason why I want to be dead.

I still want to get my blasted donuts. I am determined to get them, even if I have to crawl. But my walking isn’t too good. Even going a short distance in my house, say from the living room to the kitchen, hurts me. I don’t know how I am going to make it down the street. I might have to take the bus. The rain has stopped so I don’t understand why I am still in pain. It should have stopped like a switch going off. I just don’t get it. And the temperature is still “high”. It’s in the seventies now. Weird weather for October.

It’s weird typing on my old laptop. The keys are a little differently spaced. But I am getting the job done. Pats won last night 36-7. I am so happy for them. They have yet come into an opponent they have competition with. It’s been fun to watch though. I didn’t see the game as I was in la-la land because of my meds. I took them early because I didn’t want to get up again to take them. I am glad that I fixed them in my pill box because otherwise, I wouldn’t have taken them all. I would just take the important ones and screw the rest.

I still need to get a haircut. If my back is doing better later today, I will try. I also will bring a copy of the NYT article with me to show it off to the barbers. I don’t know if they would be interested but I don’t mind bragging a little bit. I hardly get to brag.

I’m going to get that sandwich now and then hopefully get back to sleep.

Back Pain Sucks when It Rains

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Back Pain Sucks when it Rains

Since around 0130, my back went out on me and I haven’t been able to move around too much. I had my sister go to my father’s for his pills. There was no way I could do it as I couldn’t move. I really wanted to get donuts today but it will have to wait another day. As long as I stay still, I am not in too much pain. Laying down has its challenges. If I try to move to another position, I am hurting. It sucks. And the thing is, the rain stopped so I don’t know why I am hurting so much.

I wanted to get my hair cut today. That is also not happening. I just need to rest and move as gingerly as possible. I just made myself lunch and now need a nap. I am trying to increase my fluids, thinking that will help. I also took some naprosen to ease the inflammation. I would have taken the NSAID I normally take but I just took what was handy. I can’t stand too long. Sitting I am ok, so far. I am really tired, probably because of the meds and not sleeping too good last night. With me being cooped up, I really hope I can finish the Harry Potter book today. It is a goal that I want to accomplish. The witch that I had trouble with was taken away and shouldn’t cause anymore problems. But I know one of the characters dies in the last few chapters so I am not looking forward to it. This book is quite a bit of emotion.

Mail hasn’t come yet and I hope the battery for this laptop comes in today, but it could be tomorrow. I will be happy when I get the new battery. This one is deader than a door nail. I don’t know what I am going to do with it. I suppose I will have to go to Staples and see if they take laptop batteries to recycle them.

My ankle is acting up. Not surprised as it has to hurt whenever another body part hurts. I haven’t don’t any walking, just going up and down the stairs to go to the bathroom and make myself some lunch. I guess it didn’t like the stairs too much. Oh well. I need to keep using it or it will just atrophy away. And that would not be good. I probably am putting more weight on my ankle than I need to because I can’t walk right. I am walking hunched over at the moment. Any attempts to straighten out my spine while standing causes intense pain. My whole lumbar area is wiped out. I feel like I have an invisible band and any attempt to loosen it or get rid of it, I am in a lot of pain. The temperature has also gone up ten degrees, which isn’t helping me. Yesterday it was 47. It is now 73. OUCH. My back cannot take drastic increases or decreases in temperatures. I am still wearing just my underwear because I put away my short PJs. I am not really planning on leaving my room anyways so I can stay in my underwear. No one is going to see me. I would put the ceiling fan on but that would take effort. I just don’t have the effort right now. If it gets warmer, I will have no choice as I cannot stand the heat.

I was so looking forward to having donuts today. It’s not fair that I can’t have them. I have no idea how much it costs for a dozen. I haven’t bought a dozen donuts in so long, but my mother has been craving jelly donuts, too, so I will share with her. I wish the donut place delivered. That would be so awesome.

Last night, when I sent out my latest quote, one of the suicidologists that I follow liked the quote. Apparently, he has used the same quote in his book. I felt honored that he recognized it. Tonight will be another Shneidman quote. I have quite a few lined up. It’s funny, I was looking at the first page of the book and it listed a counselor’s name that I don’t know. He is from Alabama. The sticker is too adhered to the page so I am unable to remove it. It just makes me curious why this counselor would want to get rid of such a wonderful book. Maybe he is no longer in practice or he died or something. It has my curiosity piqued.

I have yet to receive the October edition of the journal Suicide and Life Threatening Behavior. It has a few articles that I really want. I could get it on this old laptop but I won’t be able to print it out. So I am holding back. That is why I want this new battery to come sooner rather than later.

Sad day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Today has been a bad day. I found out one of my former coworkers lost her father this morning. Then one of my favorite baseball players got traded to San Diego, which probably means my favorite catcher is not going to be signed with the Sox this offseason. It’s just been a depressing day. Since finding out about my friend’s father passing, I just have been crying. It just sucks that my friend now has to deal with a wake and funeral for her beloved father instead of celebrating Christmas. It is just rotten and I feel so bad for her. Her father was a dad, true and true.

I woke up again in pain. Been able to sleep for a little bit before my damn app went off telling me to take my day meds. I could barely get out of bed to take them. My sister wanted me to pick up my niece but there is no way I can walk that far as I am in a lot of pain. Just going down the stairs is painful. I don’t know what to do anymore as all traditional methods of treating this pain have failed me. I have rested, taken anti-inflammatories, stretched to the best of my ability and nothing seems to help. My pain medication does relieve some pain but not enough for me to do anything. And having a cough is not helping me. Last night I had a coughing fit and I think it didn’t do me any favors, which is probably why I am hurting really bad today.

I just checked my Starbucks account. I have two free drinks, one for my birthday and one that I earned. That makes me happy, a little bit, because now I can go to Starbucks and get out of the house. Other than doctors appointments this week, I have not left the house for anything. And tomorrow I need to go to my father’s house to prepare is medication for him. It’s the only way to know that he is taking all of his pills. We found out yesterday that he lost more weight. When he first was diagnosed with his liver problem he was a 150 lbs. Now he is 124 lbs. He says that he is eating, but I don’t really think that he is. I think he has been drinking his ensure instead of eating a meal. My sister thinks so, too. We are not with him 24/7 and he can still make himself a meal. Trouble is, if he isn’t hungry, he just doesn’t eat, at all. We have tried to get him to eat three meals but that is impossible. He doesn’t have breakfast and will have a little lunch. Then gets bloated for his dinner, whatever that maybe. We see the containers of food in his fridge as he saves his meals. I don’t know what we are going to do with him. Just another hassle with the old guy.

My therapist is off today. She has been having Fridays off since the birth of her daughter. Sometimes I wish she was in the office as it is hard, sometimes, to wait till Tuesday. I will be able to get my sister’s car that day so I can see her for our appointment. It will be the first time seeing her in months! I am really looking forward to it. I just hope all the poking and prodding from my doc and PT on Monday doesn’t cause a flare up in my ankle. That will suck so bad! And I really don’t want my back to be caput on my birthday. So this pain better be gone by then!

I need to take a shower and brush my teeth some time today. I have been really bad in doing those things. I am surprised my teeth haven’t fallen out. I really should have better hygiene habits but its so hard with the depression and back pain. I can only stand for so long before I am in horrendous pain. This just sucks.

Morning Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Morning Pain

I woke up about a half hour ago in pain. My hip is on fire. It didn’t like the position I was in, though I was not sleeping on it. I was more on my back than my hip but it didn’t matter. The pain is changing my mood and I don’t like it. I know this pain is temporary. I know it will go away eventually, but I am starting to lose hope that it will. I have been in pain since before Dec 1st. That is already more than two weeks, maybe three that this pain has been awful. I know once I start moving around it goes away, a little bit. But waking up to it, is another fucking story. I woke up a few minutes before 0200, went back to sleep and now I am still in pain. I guess the pain meds that I took at 0200 wore off. I am so aggravated! Then trying to maneuver my body so I can get up and write and take more pills just kills me. I am going to call my physiatrist today and see if he can recommend something for the pain. I don’t want to be on another fucking pill but would like some advise as to when this pain is going to heal and I think he would be better than my PCP in helping me figure it out.

Last night I was really beside myself. I didn’t want to take my night medication. Have over 8 pills to take. Three blood pressure pills, antidepressant, mood stabilizer, two anti-spasmotics, stomach pill, vitamin D, anti-inflammatory, allergy pill, OCP, and my anti-psychotic pill. This doesn’t include my pain meds or my Ativan. It like taking a meal of meds. When I was in the hospital, it was worse. One of my blood pressure pills they split in half, so instead on one 40 mg pill, I took two 20 mg ones. I would be at the nurses station a good while, taking each pill, two or three at a time. It was maddening. And my mood stabilizer they didn’t have the 600 mg tabs so I again got 2 pills, 300 mg each. I hated taking my meds every night because it took me so damn long to take all the pills. Now, I take just as many but more pill counts. I can’t win and it is depressing me. I remember before CES, I was just taking one or two pills a day for my mental illness. Either I was taking an antidepressant and my antipsychotic or I was just taking the antidepressant. After CES, I remember taking up to 20 tablets a day!! It was ridiculous. That was because I was taking my pain medication like four times a day plus my anti-inflammatory pill. Once I found out that they had an extended release pill, I got on that. I love this pill because it helps with my arthritic pain and usually my back. I think it has lost its effectiveness on me because I don’t get the relief I once did. I think if it continues, I might have the physiatrist switch me to another one and see how that works. I will still be taking a pill, but at least it might work better in relieving my pain. I was reluctant to do this back in October when I first met the guy, but since having this new onset of back pain, I am will to try something else, it would help me.

Ankle has now started hurting and I have not even put ANY type of pressure on it. I didn’t stand on it. I just sat up in bed. The stupid mysterious pain that I get every single time I wake up in the morning. ARGH!! Right now, my ankle pain doesn’t hurt as much as my back hip pain. I really am having terrible thoughts of hurting myself with all this pain. I just want it to end but I don’t think it will. I am losing help that this temporary pain is going to last. But I will say that as long as I can wipe my butt, I am happy. It’s when I can’t do that, I get worried that something more serious is going on. But like I have said before, the pain isn’t radiating down any of my legs or into my butt. I don’t have any problems with my bowels or bladder that are worse than my usual. I don’t have any new numbness or tingling in any of my lower extremities or genitals. I have nothing that would suggest that this is a disc problem, though it very well could be, but it is highly unlikely. I always am on the lookout for CES symptoms whenever I get back pain and it doesn’t go away. I am always worried that I will get acute CES again whenever my back flares up. For more information about this, check out my CES 101 page at the top.

I really wish I had a therapy appointment with my therapist today. I really could use the extra support in dealing with my father and this fucking pain. It is draining me so much. Not only am I waking up early in the morning, but once I am up, I usually am up. I don’t usually go back to sleep until later in the morning but I can’t today because I have to deal with my father. Least I don’t have to take a shower this morning because I took one last night before turning in. I was pretty exhausted. I had pork and my GI system doesn’t seem to tolerate the meat anymore. It just went right through me. Thankfully, I didn’t have any accidents. I took some Immodium to ease the gas and stop the runs. I really didn’t want to spend the night on the toilet.