Tag: bipolar disorder

A Lot of Things on My Mind

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A Lot of Things on My Mind

Since I responded to that Psychology Today article, I have receiving emails from whoever comments on it. No one has responded to my comment. But from what I gather from the comments, people are pretty upset, mostly chronic pain folks.

The sauce I made is almost gone. There are about two cups left of the batch I made. I can’t believe it because this time I used two cans of tomatoes. It did come out really good. I wasn’t able to put in the ground beef I wanted to but I will make another batch, in a larger pan, next week. My sister and brother-in-law really loved it, which is why it’s gone! LOL

I have been in a depressed state for most of the day. I really wanted to change my sheets this weekend but now the weekend is over and the sheets are still not changed. I will do it hopefully tomorrow. I still need to clear off my bed. There is not that much stuff left as I have been slowly removing stuff when I walk by. I have no idea where I am going to place the three books that are in that spot. I guess I will add it to the pile that is by my hamper.

I haven’t been feeling suicidal but I have been thinking about it. Mostly, I just been thinking about what it would be like not being alive anymore. I try not to think about it because then I will start planning and that will not be good.

I have changed my name on my blog as the Tennessee Suicide Prevention Network (TSPN) outed me. Instead of being Midnightdemons7, I am G. Collerone. I really didn’t want to do it but the more that I am out, the better things will be. I don’t think I will ever work again so I don’t think there is a chance future employers will look at my blog. My domain will still be midnightdemon.com. I won’t change that as I like it too much.

After I made the sauce, my ankle flared up. I had to take some pain medication to calm it back down. I rested for the first time all day. I was just about to go to sleep when my cousin called me. He owed me money and was giving it back to me. My ankle didn’t like going up and down the stairs to meet him. It also didn’t like me taking a shower afterwards. But I needed a shower because I felt icky with my menses and stuff.

I meet with the ankle surgeon this week for the lump that is on my Achilles. I know that I will have to go for an MRI to see if there is any damage to the Achilles. I want the lump removed. It is just painful and shouldn’t be there. It’s kind of funny, I was thinking about surgery and then what will I do for my father’s appointments. I still have him on my mind. I hope I won’t be too laid up with it. Tomorrow will mark six weeks that he has been gone.

Laid Back Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Laid Back Sunday

I am making a sauce. Unfortunately, I used a small pan and so I wasn’t able to make it with ground beef like I was hoping. But I got some meatballs and threw them in. It still is coming out good. I saved the meat for another day. I will use a bigger pan next time.

I am feeling depressed. I found out that one of my Cauda Equina Syndrome members tried to kill herself yesterday. She is in the hospital where they are not sure if she needs surgery or not. She tried stabbing herself. She did this because she couldn’t stand the pain anymore. She is in the UK. It’s a sad situation.

I haven’t done much except to make the sauce. I tried watching the baseball game but the announcers were pissing me off. They have a three man crew and it’s just annoying. E-Rod is pitching and gave up a home run in the first inning so we are losing 1-0 right now.

I am slowly clearing off the side of my bed that is my office. I hope to get it done by tomorrow and then I can change my sheets, finally. It always takes me a week or so to change them because I accumulate so much stuff on my bed.

It’s a cool day today. It was raining earlier so my foot was acting up. I don’t know why I keep getting cramps in it. It sucks. The sauce has about another hour to cook and then I will go to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. I need to fill my pill box for the week.

I am tired. I really didn’t sleep well. I woke up at 0600 and found it difficult to go back to sleep. I really could use a nap.

Chronic Pain, CBT, and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Chronic Pain, CBT, and Suicide

I recently read an article written by Psychology Today that stated “opioids are not useful for chronic pain”. Where this psychologist got his information from I have no clue. He says the CDC has “studied the data for years” yet didn’t quote or reference this data in his article. Yet based on this stupid article, my life and well being are in jeopardy. I am so angered by this article that calls for CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) as a treatment to cope with pain. The problem lies in many factors. CBT doesn’t work for everyone for every condition. It certainly didn’t work for me when I tried it many years ago for my depression. It was too complicated and I didn’t have the patience to sift through a packet of 30 or so pages of the treatment homework. I wanted relief, like most patients/clients do, NOW. Second, coping with pain doesn’t mean that it goes away. And in the mist of a flare up, do you really THINK I am going to go through a packet of 30 odd pages to find relief? Thirdly, not all therapists are trained in cognitive behavior therapy. There is only ONE psychologist that I know in the Boston area that is specialized in pain, let alone trying to find a CBT therapist. You have to seriously try and find out if they do this specialized therapy. But there lies the rub that if you are suicidal, like I am, you could be denied this treatment.

I understand there are many deaths from overdoses due to opioid medications and that is a sad fact that I am not trying to minimize. But denying these life saving drugs to patients and telling them to go to therapy to cope is negligent and harmful as well as may lead to MORE suicides. New York state recently is denying up to 10,000 patients pain medication/treatment because the doctor treating them is indicted for charges that I don’t know about. My friend is one of his patients and she is screwed because a pediatrician has stated that anyone that gives pain meds to these patients will be drummed up on charges. Three patients have died by suicide since this has happened. And that is only the ones we know about.

In my response to the article, which I publicly made at my own risk, I asked, how many deaths do you want? Try suicides. I have been afraid of admitting being a chronic pain patient because I am frightened that the DEA will charge through my door, though I do not abuse, sell, or misuse my medication. I barely take the 4 pills a day that I am allowed to take because sometimes I just am not in that much pain that day. Other days, I am taking it around the clock to ease my pain. And guess what, it works for my pain in combination with the other meds that I take.

The preface of this whole article was the death of Prince. But it still has not been discovered, least to my knowledge as of yet, that what he was taking was prescribed or illicit. If anything, Fentynal is a dangerous drug when used with other opioids. I had a friend’s neighbor die of an overdose with this medication. There were other circumstances surrounding her death, such as seeing other providers who had no clue she was taking other pain medications. Now there are network of pharmacies that are cracking down on this practice. I only use one pharmacy for ALL my meds because of convenience. I also see one provider for my medication in their respective specialties. I don’t see my PCP’s NP for my psych meds nor do I see my psychiatrist for my blood pressure meds. That is just silly.

This article had me so upset that I was almost to the point of being suicidally paranoid. I was developing a delusion that my pain meds were going to be taken away from me and if that ever is the case, the doctor will have to sign my death certificate. I will die by suicide and I don’t need medications to complete it. I am in therapy. It is more psychodynamic than another specialized modality. It is what keeps me sane at times. But the threat of losing my pain medication is real. If I am ever forced to stop my medication and be subjected to therapy other than what I am already in, I will kill myself. The pain is just too great, too torturous. And I won’t have a piece of paper telling me to cope with the pain when a pill can do just fine.

Saturday Blog 52

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 52

Despite going to bed around 0330, I woke up at a decent hour and needed coffee badly. I decided to venture out. The plan was to eat the same things I ate yesterday to see if I got ill like I did yesterday. When I got to Starbucks, I didn’t get the two doughnuts I got yesterday. I got one. I didn’t want to get bloated again. I also bought some ground beef so I can make my sauce and a can opener at Walgreens so I can open the tomato cans. Our electric can opener sucks and it took me a while to open just one can last time. I didn’t want to go through that again. So there went the money for my sub. My mother is making chicken stir fry so we’ll see how my stomach handles that. I plan on making the sauce tomorrow.

I tried to do some journaling at Starbucks and while I was waiting for the bus but nothing was coming to me. It was like my thoughts were blank. The editor of the Times got back to me. He said that after 30 days, the article is subject to any type of publication that I see fit. Seeing as I didn’t know about this publication, I am within my rights to have it pulled from the TSPN website as they didn’t contact me prior to printing their article. I did email them so I hope I get a response sometime next week. I am still livid that they did this. Luckily, it does seem like there was a response to their newsletter as I have not received any tweets or emails or blog messages concerning it.

This week has been a bad week for me. Not only physically but mentally as well. And today tops it off by getting my menses. I am so destroyed right now, although I am kind of shocked I am not horribly suicidal. I had a feeling it was going to happen because I have been getting cramps and my breasts have been hurting really bad. But because I am on the pill, it’s hard for me to know if I am getting it or if it’s just PMS like symptoms. I am not really supposed to have breakthrough bleeding because I take the pill consistently around the same time every night and also take pack after pack. I don’t get a break unless I start bleeding. So tomorrow, I am off the pill for a week. This means I need to be a female during this time period and I just fucking hate it. It is so demoralizing. I wish I could just get a hysterectomy. I am going to seriously talk to my repro endo about getting one. Then it will be one less pill to take and I don’t have to act like a female by wearing female underwear and using feminine products.