Tag: bipolar disorder

Post 1792

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Post 1792

I had therapy today and it went okay. We didn’t talk about anything we didn’t talk about yesterday. She wanted to know more about my “Purpose” blog, but I changed the subject. I have a knack of throwing her off a subject and only if it’s really pressing to her does she come back to it. She is concerned about my REM sleep as it happens very quickly. I don’t know why I can go to REM within about 35 minutes of sleep but I do. Today, for example, I took a nap at around 1110. By 1140 when I woke up, I had a dream. I don’t remember what the dream was about now but it was again, weird. I kind of wanted to tell her about my dreaming about my father but held back. I will one day, if it become more troublesome. Right now I am ignoring him in my dreams so it’s not like I am doing something or he is.

While I was at Starbucks, I was listening to a Rascal Flatts song about a father that had been estranged from his daughter for like 30 years. He then calls her when he is dying and then they both “forget the past”. It set off flashbacks to the last four days of my father’s life. He just deteriorated that quickly. His breathing had changed Friday and he was dead on Monday. Images kept flooding my brain, mostly of how he looked and had, in his last day, a glassy appearance to his eyes. I’ll never forget the look or the sounds he was making.

I texted my therapist that I was having flashbacks and if it would be okay with her to talk to the grief counselor. I think if I see the counselor, it will free up more time for other things to talk about in therapy. I just feel like all we do in therapy lately is just talk about my father. I know he was a big part of my life and he is gone now but there are other things going on in my life, too. Like managing my time, self-care, and handling my illness. I am seeing an ankle surgeon tomorrow for the boney formation that is near my Achilles. It is kind of freaking me out because I think I will have to have surgery to remove it. I know I will have to have an MRI before anything is done. But I am just worried that the stress of surgery and what it will do to my “bad” ankle if I have to put weight on it because I don’t think I can bear weight on my “good” one. It’s going to be tricky. I will weigh the benefits and stuff. But I just don’t want to damage the Achilles further, if it is. X-ray doesn’t show soft tissues so I don’t know if this bony formation has. I know she isn’t a medical person but talking to her about this anxiety is what therapy is about.

I know talking about my father is important too. I just think talking to someone specific about grief might be helpful and let me deal with it more. It’s been almost two months and I still haven’t cried or grieved him. Days I don’t have therapy, I just space out. It’s affecting my writing because I am just so sad. I want the sadness to go away and I don’t know how.

Random 555

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Today just sucks. I woke up in pain in my foot. I went to the bathroom and that flared up my ankle. I just wanted to take pain medication and go back to sleep but I had therapy and didn’t want to be groggy. So I just took one pill and hoped for the best. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to change my sheets but I did it! Nearly threw my back out but I did it. Wrestling with the sheets to go back on was harder than taking them off.

In therapy we just got caught up on the weekend activities. She read the blogs that I sent her. We talked about them and about the psychotic episode I had yesterday. She thinks it was because it was Monday and I was “stressed”. I found this answer to be bullshit. I didn’t feel stressed. If anything, I would say that I am due for a psychotic break and it finally happened. Usually when I am post a horrible depression, these types of things happen. The important thing is that it cleared up and I haven’t had any recurrances.

I have been struggling with writing the “Daily Prompt” for today. I started writing it and then my mind went blank. I hate when that happens. I hope to go back to it sometime tonight, but if I don’t, there is always tomorrow. I will just put the email in the folder to remind me later. Sometimes I can write right off the back on topics but when it’s personal, it’s a little more difficult. Especially when your mind wanders. I have been spacing out since I made my bed. Not really dissociating or anything of the sort. Just kind of staring off with a blank mind. It happened more frequently after my father was dying and more after he died.

My therapist was kind of shocked that I got a little urn with my father’s ashes that said “Loving Dad”. We can’t really say that he was an asshole because that would be inappropriate. I have been having dreams of my father. I haven’t told my therapist because I don’t want to talk about it. It’s not disturbing or a nightmare. He just shows up in my dream. Sometimes he walks in and I walk away. Other times he is just lying down, dying and I ignore him. So pretty much what went on in life, is happening in my dreams. It is kind of freaking me out a little bit but not to the point where it’s scary or anything. I just wake up and am like WTF.

I miss my psychiatrist. She has been gone for a week now but it feels like ages since I last saw her. I don’t see her until next Friday. I am supposed to be watching my niece that day. We’ll see if she wants to go with me or not. If not, my mother will have to watch her.

My ankle and foot have been bothering me most of the day so I have been taking pain meds around the clock. I think that might explain why I have been feeling doped up. I wish I could sleep but I just am not sleepy. I have the hungry horrors today. I have been eating every other hour since I got up this morning. I think I am finally full as I just had supper. Going down the stairs was tough. My ankle didn’t like it at all. I still need to shower. Think I am going to take one more pain pill and then go for it otherwise, I won’t.

Pissed off and Paranoid

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Pissed off and Paranoid

I have been really pissed off the past couple of hours and I don’t know why. Nothing has upset me. Hell, no one has really talked to me in that span of time. Yet I am feeling very angry.

I got my delivery. The watch that I bought I need to return because it doesn’t have military time (24 hr.) I wish I knew that before I bought it. It looked to be the same as my current watch and I just guessed that all G-Shock watches were 24 hr. I am a little mad at myself for that because now I got to go through the hassle of mailing back the watch. I did find a 24 hr. watch that is $20 more than the one I need to return. If I want to return it. My current watch is losing battery power and I don’t know how long it will last. I wish I could just find a place that replaces batteries but there are none in my area. It’s a pain! It’s a good watch, too. The new watch is okay. I suppose I could live with a 12 hr. watch, though it will definitely take some getting used to because I have my brain trained to be at the 24 hr. clock.

I emailed my psychiatrist about my psychotic episode. If I really think about it, I had my first visual hallucination today because letters were literally flying off the van that I saw and they were talking to me. I then became paranoid because everyone could see me and was waiting for me to respond to these words. It was very alarming. Nothing like this has happened before. I am kind of scared. I won’t be going out tomorrow. It’s supposed to rain anyways. And I can finally change my damn sheets. I hate changing them. It ALWAYS throws my back out, wrestling with the sheets to put them off and then on. It was much easier when I had a twin size bed. But now I have a full size bed and it’s trickier.

I have therapy tomorrow. I sent my therapist a bunch of blogs and messages over the last few days. I hope she gets to read all of them, or at least some of them. I also sent her pictures. My sister gave me a small urn of my father. The velvet purse it comes with it smells awful. I took a pic and sent it to my therapist. I really didn’t want it but she bought it so I got it. I tucked it away carefully in my sock drawer.

I think I might go back to the hospital after I see my psychiatrist on the 17th. I am feeling like I need extra support and my outpatient providers just aren’t enough right now. I really didn’t have a long enough stay the last time. I just hope the psychosis isn’t permanent. Every time I have a breakthrough episode, I think it’s time to go up on the abilify. I am on a small dose, only 10 mg. My cousin takes 15 mg. He gets really paranoid and he has bipolar 2 as well. I don’t know what he is paranoid about. He never tells me but he just says he is. When I feel paranoid, people are out to get me. I am being watched constantly by outside forces. It’s worse when I am on a crowded bus or train. The bus I was on today wasn’t that crowded but every time someone walked past me I felt their eyes on me. I know rationally they could give two shits about me, but I couldn’t help the feeling they were watching me. It’s a terrible feeling, being paranoid.

Progress?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

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Progress?

I finally cleared off my bed of most of the books and clothes that had accumulated on the corner of my bed. I also cleared my “office”. Now I just need the motivation and energy to change my damn sheets. I rewarded myself with clearing my bed by going to Starbucks and getting a cold brew vanilla sweet cream iced coffee. I was then rewarded with my bowels going haywire soon after reaching home. I seriously thought I sharted but it was just air, thank goodness. I am now exhausted and my ankle is giving me grief so no sheet changing. Least not for now. My back has been having cramps since I left Starbucks so I am just going to rest. I still have a little stuff on my bed that I need to clear off but the majority of my bed is clear.

Today’s word prompt is “Playful”. It’s funny how these words that don’t have any particular order have significance in my life. I was reminiscing with the voices the other day about how my father hated any type of play that my sisters and I did around him. During one of his angry rages, he broke a treasured chess set that I got for Christmas one year. I never forgave him for breaking it on me. Still haven’t. He never apologized for breaking it and he knew I was upset over it. I tried fixing this set but it was not really the same afterwards.

Another time, I was at my then little cousin’s house. We were playing and I came out of his room with one of his toys because they were really cool. I forget why I left the other kids, but my father flipped the fuck out, saying I was not a kid and shouldn’t be playing with toys. I was like 12? It really hurt me and I cried I was so upset. I think I went in the bathroom to cry. My cousin’s mother saw this and said it was okay for me to play.

Both times that I have recounted this story, it brought tears to my eyes. I think it was the kindness my cousin showed me that proved that not all parents are bad and mean like my father. I have other memories that are painful but I won’t rehash them today.

I got an email from TSPN (Tennessee Suicide Prevention Network). They apologized for taking my work without my permission. They said they would inform me in the future if they want to use my work for their newsletter. They also encouraged me to contribute more things to them, if I desired. I think I might write up something for them. If you are an attempt survivor and want to contribute your story, contact them through http://www.tspn.org. The name of the newsletter is called “can you hear me” (CYHM).

When I came home from Starbucks, or as I was on my way home, I became really paranoid. It was very scary. I thought people and objects were talking to me. As a bus drove by a van, I could have sworn it was talking to me. I couldn’t wait to get off the bus. I have never been psychotic like that before. I took a trilafon when I got home because I was so agitated. I am feeling a little bit better now. I wish my psych was available. I would page her to let her know this happened. I still feel kind of uneasy. But the trilafon is helping me so I don’t think I need anymore meds to feel calmer. The nice thing about this drug is that it lasts for at least eight hours so I should be covered until I take the abilify tonight.

Speaking of abilify, I was reading a blog today where the blogger was having bad side effects from the medication. She is experiencing agitation, more mental than physical and it’s making her feel suicidal. She carefully weighed this drug over many others before taking it. I guess the Seroquel she was taking was no longer working for her so she needed to switch meds. She is also experiencing insomnia. Not good for someone who has bipolar disorder. I hope her psychiatrist gets back to her about what to do and she seeks help before acting on her urges. I wanted to comment on her blog but I had no advice as abilify has worked well for me, aside from the extrapyramidal symptoms I experience every now and then. I take Ativan to counteract them. Otherwise, I would be so screwed. I have noticed that as I have gotten older, my psychotic symptoms have gotten worse. I used to be able to take an anti-psychotic just when I was having symptoms. But since 2008 when I had a psychotic break, I can’t stop my meds at all. Even missing a dose can send me into a psychotic delusion. I have been on many meds for psychosis but they have had serious side effects. I can make a list but there is no point. It’s an exhaustive list. You name it, I probably have been on it (unless it’s come out after 2009). The only class of drugs that I have NOT been on are the MAOIs. That is because I don’t like the diet restrictions these medications have. I am lucky that the current regimen that I take suits me.