Tag: bipolar disorder

Not Ready to Make Nice

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Not Ready To Make Nice

This song has been running in my head today. The lyrics are poignant and sharp. I am not a big Dixie Chicks fan. This song is the only song of theirs that I own. And for all I know this is the last song they recorded. I think the song is about the inherent hatred in the States at the time the song was written. The line about how a mother could teach her daughter to hate a perfect stranger speaks volumes. And then the line about “shut up and sing or my life will be over”. The Chicks got death threats after they made some comments about the current president, George W. Bush. They were a rival group who then drifted off. The reason the song is in my head today is that one of the psychologists I follow on Twitter has been going on and on about racism, how we are brought up with it, and how people are even if they say they are not. It has been bothering me all week but I can’t tell him to shut up. Who am I to tell another person this? It is HIS views on the matter. He is a white gay male and I still haven’t figured him out. Just when I think I have, he blows my mind again. He is interesting, that is for sure.

The song talks about forgiveness as well. That part resonates with me. “They say time heals everything, but I’m still waiting”. Have a listen to it. It really is a great song.

I did a few errands today then made coffee. It was good but I couldn’t finish the cup. I think I put too much cream in it. I have no plans for the day now that my errands are done. I might print off the research article so I can read it. I have been planning on doing it the last few days but can’t manage to stand up to print it. I really should clear off my bed so I can change my sheets and then print it out. Thing is, I know that changing my sheets is going to kill me for the rest of the day like it always does. I am not looking forward to it.

I didn’t take my meds last night. I haven’t really taken all my meds all week. I just haven’t been in the mood to guzzle 12 pills. So I just been taking what is necessary, or what I feel is necessary. My doc sent in my 90 day supply for my blood pressure pills but they haven’t been delivered yet. They are on route. I don’t know why sometimes I get it the next day after processing and then sometimes a week after. Makes no sense. I am running low so just been taking it once a day rather than twice a day. I really don’t want to run out. I have been monitoring my BP just to make sure it stays within normal limits. I have my other BP med to try and keep it stable until I get my new script. Tomorrow I will fill my pill box for the week so I am not playing hodgepodge. The only med that I might run out of is my allergy pill. I totally forgot to order it from Amazon but getting my groceries were more important. I have no idea why money is tight this month. I think it’s because I paid my cell phone bill twice so I can be ahead of it. I haven’t fallen behind but I like to stay a month ahead if I can.

I want to try and save money this year. It’s going to be difficult because I am on a fixed budget but I am trying to see if it’s possible. Even if I save $200 that will be something. And something is better than nothing.

I need to shower today. It’s been two days since my last one and I want to try and keep the every other day schedule. Right now I don’t feel like it but the day is still young. The coffee gave me some energy so I am going to use that to clear my bed off. Even if I take off just a few items, that will be an accomplishment. I have this corner of my bed that tends to accumulate stuff. I don’t know how it happens. I am going to tackle that area first and see how my back does. Just walking to do my errands today put a little strain on it. I really can’t wait to go to physical therapy. I really want this kink in my hip to be gone. That is the frustrating thing because once it flares up, I can’t do anything. I can’t stand or walk. I can only sit and rest until it goes away. Then my day is done. I hate back pain.

Sleeping in Spurts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Sleeping in spurts

I have been sleeping in spurts all day. Now I am up and I can’t seem to go back to sleep. I got a lot on my mind, mostly about making sure I get my letter in the mail tomorrow. I also have to go the opposite way to Walgreens to get some feminine stuff because I am running low and the damn menses have restarted. Fucker. Here I thought I was all done with it and lo and behold, NOT. It was a joke. I am having a light bleed, which I guess is preferable to a moderate bleed. It still messes with my head though, no matter what the flow is like. I shouldn’t be having it, period (no pun intended). I still can’t believe missing one pill caused all this havoc.

I am finally breathing out of both nostrils, least for now anyway. Earlier, I couldn’t breathe at all and I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I took some Afrin to clear up my inflamed passageways. I feel better because my sinuses aren’t hurting so much. I had taken a sinus pill earlier today and that helped some but it was my last pill. I haven’t bought them in a while and I hope that I can afford them. I think it will help with the pressure I am feeling. I hope I am not coming down with a sinus infection. Those suck big time. But my nasal discharge has been clear up till this point. I just hope it doesn’t get worse.

I read Dostoevsky while I was babysitting this evening. I read two chapters and a half. I have no idea what I read other than a peasant girl who was an “idiot” got pregnant and then died after giving birth. It is unsure who the father of the child was but there is speculation that it’s the father of the Karamazov brothers. We will never know because the girl couldn’t talk and she is dead now. The baby was taken in by the father Karamazov’s servants. Talk about a twist in the book. I am just reading this book just to read it. Once I read a book, I have to finish it even if I don’t like it. And I am not really liking this book too much. I can only imagine what Crime and Punishment is going to be like.

Later today, I plan on printing out the article my friend sent me. It will be an interesting read, least I hope it will be. I might write a review if it’s interesting enough. It’s about suicide and it not being “business as usual”.

Every morning at 1 am, I get a text message from Dilbert comics. It’s the only way I can read the strip these days as it’s not in the papers anymore. It used to be a very funny comic strip but lately it’s not. Like everything else in my life, I have lost interest in it. But I still get the text in case I want to read it.

I have realized that it has been a long while since I wrote a profound blog. I have been trying to but I just haven’t been in the frame of mind. I know I have been writing saying I have been depressed but I think it’s more sadness than depression. I also haven’t been feeling melancholic, which also tends to fuel my writing. And I know I have been writing about me just wanting to die, but I haven’t been in a constricted state of mind to be suicidal. I just wish I was dead. To me that is preferable than going through the pain in my foot/ankle every single day. I no longer feel psychache. I don’t know why that is. Maybe I am just avoiding it. I am glad I am not feeling it because if I were and then that coupled with the physical pain I have been experiencing, I most certainly will be thinking of taking my life.

Random 601

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I had a good nap, a much needed nap. I was going to go to the post office to get some stamps but I will do that tomorrow. I can’t wait till they come out with the Star Trek ones. I will be buying several sheets of those.

I feel like I have wasted the day because I didn’t do anything but make my turkey sandwich. It was so good. My mother is making stuffed chicken breasts. I don’t have the heart to tell her that I am not hungry. Even though I ate around noon, I am still full from lunch. All week I just been having one meal a day. Today I have had two as I had cereal in the wee hours of the morning. I really wanted to make an egg burrito later in the morning but I never did. I fell asleep and then it was lunch time. I think the only reason I had two hours of sleep was because I was hungry. I didn’t have dinner or lunch yesterday.

My sister texted me. I need to watch my little niece, though she isn’t so little anymore but she isn’t old enough to be on her own, just yet. She’ll probably just play on her game. I will bring my tablet down and read Dostoevsky. I hope I don’t have to make her dinner. I suck at making it, even mac and cheese. I can never get the mixture right.

I am feeling a bit low today. I know I am depressed because my eating is off, all I want to do is sleep, and I just can’t focus on one thing for too long. Last night the window was talking to me again, like really talking to me. It freaked me out because I never had inanimate things talk to me before. Sure I have had TV and radios talk to me but not windows. It was just murmuring something and I just couldn’t make out what it was saying. My regular voices were really quiet. I feel like I am losing my mind. I am afraid to tell my psychiatrist or my therapist about this because I don’t want them to worry. They’ll probably tell me to take a trilafon. And I will start taking it once I move my damn bowels. I haven’t gone in three days so the window will have to talk to me for a little while. If it talks to me tonight, I will take it. I don’t want the window to start to tell me to do things. That will be bad. I wish it was like noises in the street or something but the window is in my back of the house away from any street or highway. It points toward my back yard.

Other than my not eating right and my sleep being all over the place, I still feel pretty crappy. I think I am going to send last night’s blog to my therapist so I don’t have to go over again what hassle my father put me through last night. It was terrible. I still am mad at him.

Finished babysitting and now I am really tired. I still haven’t moved my bowels so I just took some fiber pills. Only thing I am taking tonight is stuff to move them. I really need to go because I am starting to get uncomfortable. Screw everything else. I know that is not a good thing to do but I don’t care.

I really hate when you are depressed that you don’t really feel depressed you just feel nothing. Like nothing is ever going to change. It’s not a hopeless feeling; you just feel nothing inside you. It’s like you can feel your organs of body but other than that you feel hollow. It takes strength to breathe because you have to force air in and out of your lungs. You really just want to stop your heart from beating but it just keep going. It annoys the fuck out of me when it just beats it merry beat, like ha ha you can’t die because I am still beating. People in the mental health world like to call this beating a purpose. How can it be a purpose when it’s just a fact of life? You can temporarily stop your lungs from taking air but you can’t stop your damn heart, not by ordinary means anyways. Maybe with a bunch of cardiac drugs but who has those handy?

two and a half hours of sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Two and a half hours of sleep

I think I have set a new record of sleeping. I only got 2.5 hours of sleep and I feel like I am good. Maybe the hypomanic stuff is back. I don’t know. I don’t feel euphoric. I just feel awake, like I just had a cup of coffee (I didn’t). I just had a bowl of cereal because I didn’t want to cook anything while being so sleep deprived. Later, if I am able to catch some more sleep, I plan on making my turkey bacon and egg burrito with Jalapeño cheese. I came up with a terrific plan for lunch. I will make a turkey, stuffing, and cranberry sauce sandwich. I find that meal planning helps to keep me focused. And it also allows me to eat as I have a hard time deciding what to eat.

I watched “The American President” before I went to bed. I love this movie. I have seen it three times since I bought it. I might watch it again today, just to kill sometime. Today is my rest day, though I do have to mail something so I do need to get out of the house. I can’t believe that I have left the house nearly every day this week. Next week I will be out three days, dealing with my father. It’s going to be tough.

I keep thinking about what to write and I can’t think of a damn thing. I emptied my email. I now only have 4 things in my inbox. Everything else I either deleted or put in my “read mail” folder. I am happy about this because I had almost 700 emails in my inbox. Now it’s all cleaned up.