Tag: bipolar disorder

worst nightmare came true

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I went to my father’s appointment and was doing fine until the last leg home. The bastard wanted to be wheeled in a wheelchair so that added stress to my ankle. So by the time I was on my way home, my ankle was flaring. I am glad tomorrow I can rest. I am going to need it.

Other than the doctor’s appointment, I didn’t do anything else today. I woke up early and then fell back to sleep and woke up later than I wanted to. I made breakfast but didn’t finish it all. I made coffee and it was really good. I got to remember not to have a rounded scoop for the Pike and it comes out perfect.

I am feeling really tired. On the bus home, my worst nightmare came true: the front entrance was blocked with people and carriages. A lady came on with a huge stroller thing that should be classified as something other than a damn stroller and that was it. My anxiety went through the roof but I wasn’t at my stop yet. I ended up moving to the back of the bus. It was still crowded but less so. My chest hurt so much I was panicking so bad. I got off on the stop before mine and just walked the way home even though it was a bit longer. I had to get off the bus. There should be a limit as to how many strollers should be on the bus. A lady was already on board with a regular sized stroller and then the big one just clogged the bus. It’s not worth me having anxiety on my only means of transportation home and to go places. I would lodge a complaint but I know they will say they can’t do anything about it. But it should be up to the driver’s discretion who he/she lets on the bus for the safety of the other passengers. What if I wheelchaired person need to use the bus? They wouldn’t get on and it wasn’t right that two people with canes (myself and another person) had to move from our seats at the front of the bus because of this damn stroller and the other one.

I hate having to take an Ativan in the afternoon but I had no choice. My palpitations are still through the roof though it’s been at least fifteen minutes since I have been home. My mother is making dinner. I didn’t have lunch so that just makes the anxiety worse. I just wasn’t hungry to make lunch.

Ramblings 78

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I’m feeling very low. I can’t seem to stay awake so I made myself a cup of tea. I couldn’t be bothered with the process of making coffee. My comforter is in the dryer so I should have it shortly to take a nap before my niece’s birthday party. I am just so wiped out.

My hip is being a bitch. I guess I pulled it a little more than I thought I did while changing my sheets. I tried doing a few exercises for the hip but it had no effect. Even the pretzel maneuver did nothing but I did stretch my buttock. I am cold and I just want a damn snooze. It’s 50 degrees out and I am cold. Makes no sense.

I want to write but I don’t know what to fucking write and this frustrates me. I was thinking of a story last night but nothing came of it. I am starting to think this writing thing is just something my therapist and psychiatrist want me to pursue so I have something to do with my time rather than have a career with. I haven’t sold any books lately. I sold one book the beginning of the month and that has been it. It’s hard to go on writing when you know you got to self-promote. I wish I could talk to writers about their work and what they are going through. The groups I joined on Facebook are just not for that kind of thing. And other writers are not so keen to let their writing secrets available. I have been following a writer’s tip on Twitter and they just say you got to write. I write every day on my blog, and I am happy with it. If that is the only thing I do a day, then I am happy. But it makes me depressed because I feel like I should be doing more.

I don’t know what the more would be. Maybe reading a book about writing will help. Only thing is, I can’t start something new until I finish one of the three books I have started. I don’t feel like reading today. All my energy went out the window when I changed my sheets. I really don’t feel like going to this party tonight but my niece is important to me so I will go anyways. I won’t stay too long. Just until cake is served and then I will disappear.

Last night I was looking through a book I just bought on Cognitive Therapy and suicidal patients. The safety planning was the same as what I printed out. They had a card version which I think will be better than a sheet. It really sucks being disabled. I don’t know what to do with myself. I need a routine and I don’t have one or can’t stick with one.

Tomorrow I got to make sure I eat something hearty as I will be with my father and the last thing I need is low blood sugar. I also need to make coffee because I won’t be going to Starbucks tomorrow. I have to remember a few things to bring with me. Tomorrow is going to be close to 60 degrees. I need to remember to dress appropriately or I am going to sweat my ass off. I will wear jeans and a light sweatshirt. I plan on bringing my tablet so I can read if I am inclined to. I know he is going to be in there for at least ½ hour. Wednesday is going to be a longer day as we got to meet with the doctor. My youngest sister will be with me. I am glad I don’t have to go alone with him to these appointments. I would really lose my fucking mind. He is getting more ornery and cranky lately and I think it’s because the ass doesn’t eat. Maybe I will make him a sandwich and see if he will eat it. I don’t believe I just said that. This will be the routine for the next two weeks. I am so not looking forward to it.

I haven’t had any ankle pain today, not above my normal anyways. I know that the temp changes are going to wreck havoc for me. I think that is why my back has been aching so much lately. We went from the 20s to the 50s. it’s supposed to be reasonably warm all week. I hope it stays this way but it is February. Things can change. I am glad the Farmer’s almanac was wrong about this year. Last year was brutal so I don’t think this year will be.

I think tomorrow I am going to search for PTs. I have to find one that is close to me. I would really like to go to the one in Boston next to the hospital I go to but they haven’t called me back. I will try again tomorrow morning. Hope I get a human and not a voice recording. Going back to PT just feels like a defeat. I know that I need it because my back is all messed up, but I feel like I should be able to be okay or do the exercises by a book or something. And I am worried that any strength/conditioning is going to flare up my ankle. If this happens, I doubt I am going to complete the course prescribed. And I don’t want them messing around with my ankle. I went through a course of therapy with my ankle and it didn’t fare well. I was in more pain than I was before. And I better have a therapist that is willing to work with me than say do this or else. I just hope that me waiting another 2 weeks doesn’t cause more damage than what I already have. The weird part is, I feel like I can do without therapy and then my hip will flare up.

It’s Done

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s done!

I just spent the last half hour wrestling with sheets. To my surprise, I got the fitted sheet on the first go round. Now I am washing my comforter and the dirty sheets. I am fucking pooped. You would have thought that I did manual labor. My back is thanking me kindly for the struggle. I am happy that I changed my sheets finally.

I woke up this morning sneezing my head off. I knew then I had to change the sheets to see if that made a difference. Soon as I removed the sheets, I found foam had become dislodged and I had them all over my foam topper. I really need to replace it but I don’t know what to do with my current one. I will need to cut it up so that can be disposed of. But it’s heavy so I need to be careful with it. I remember when I got it years ago, it took two people to bring it up the stairs. I haven’t been able to find another foam topper, which is part of the problem. It has to be the same or my sheets aren’t going to fit.

With all the sneezing, I feel wicked congested. This time I am going to try just to keep my current book I am reading, journal, and laptop on my bed. And a notepad. These are the essentials. Mail and other stuff I’ll just put on my desk. It’s accumulating a very big pile. I will have to go through it one day. Not today though. My back is needed as today is my niece’s birthday. It wouldn’t be good for me not to show up.

I’m feeling really depressed despite my accomplishment. I am also really tired but I don’t have a blanket I can put on my bed until the comforter is washed and dried. I’m glad I took a shower last night. I don’t think taking a shower today would be a good thing.

I finally moved my bowels today. I was getting so worried. I think drinking extra water and taking fiber pills helped. But now that the hard stuff is out of the way, I worry about having the opposite problem because I was taking so much stuff to go. I was talking with a friend who takes more opioids than I do and she has to take something to reverse the binding effects of the medication. I know I got backed up because I wasn’t eating and taking the senna every day. If I don’t take the senna, I don’t go and it’s hard to get back on track.

I haven’t had coffee yet. I think I will have some Pike. I haven’t had it in a while. I also have the Hawaiian coffee that is stronger than the last batch I had. I will make that tomorrow.

It sucks that there isn’t anymore of my favorite sports playing. Baseball doesn’t start for another month and it won’t be on the radio until April. I am boycotting NESN because they fired Don Orsillo so I won’t be watching any baseball on TV. I like listening to the radio anyways. I listened the majority of the season last year.

Article Review: Working with Suicidal Clients

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Article Review: Working with Suicidal Clients

I have to say that this article was not what I expected. It was an overview to the special issue the journal Cognitive and Behavioral Practice was having. The authors of the article described briefly what each article was about, which left me looking for more articles to add to my collection. But the take away message was that suicidal clients are to be treated as individuals and not as a “one size fits all” treatment modality.

Cognitive therapy has been moving up in the suicide chain as being helpful to suicide clients (Jobes, 2015 presentation AAS). DBT is also as it has helped a lot of clients with borderline personality disorder.

I found it interesting that there was a safety planning section. I googled it to try and learn more and there was a website for it. I downloaded the form as well as the training manual. It might come in useful in my therapy. I didn’t need the article to get to the form. It is similar to many other planning tools used by cognitive therapists. The thing I don’t like about it is that it is a sheet of paper that can get lost or misplaced. It also has the potential of not being used if the client is not near the paper when a crisis is at hand (e.g., at school versus at home). The author for the brief article has stated that therapists are slowly moving away from “no harm” contracts and moving toward safety planning. The reason being that “no harm” contracts have not been shown to be effective and may increase the likelihood of suicide. Also, simply making a promise not to kill yourself doesn’t really hold up well legally.

Ellis, T.E. and Goldston, David B. Working with Suicidal Clients: Not Business as Usual. Cognitive and Behavioral Practice (2012) 19: 205-208