Tag: bipolar disorder

Fearing the Worst

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fearing the Worst

I had taken some Nyquil a couple of hours ago to try and get to sleep. Pain is preventing this from happening as every time I move, my thigh goes berserk. Now my inner thigh is feeling like it’s on fire. This isn’t good. I am glad I am seeing the neurosurgeon tomorrow but I fear that without new images, the appointment is going to be useless. All he can do is nod his head in agreement and then say I need a new MRI stat. I am feeling more nervous as the more time is wasted, the more nerve damage I could be having. I didn’t do anything today except write down an outline and print off a few articles on this new paper I plan on writing. I tried writing it today but I couldn’t think of a beginning sentence so just wrote an outline. I thought the articles would help, but all it did was lead me to more stuff to outline. Very frustrating to me. I usually am able to write off the bat but today it was difficult, probably because I am in too much pain. Word to the wise, never take Nyquil unless you really want to sleep. I have been fighting it for the last few hours and literally feel sick to my stomach. I want to sleep but this pain anxiety is keeping me from it. It’s awful!

I tried to get in touch with my friend that is in the hospital but just got the busy signal. I will see him tomorrow. I heard he is supposed to be in till Christmas Eve. I am glad he is not spending Christmas in the hospital. That would be terrible.

Another reason I can’t sleep is because my sister and mother are having a yelling competition. My mother is deaf and so my sister has to yell for my mother to hear her. It’s going through my head like nails on chalkboard. I am just very grumpy because I am so worried about what is going on with my leg and that I am in pain. I wish my sister would leave so the house could be quiet again. Maybe then I can finally go to sleep.

I have been swearing on Twitter and Facebook and in real life but that doesn’t seem to be helping my pain. They say that if you are in pain and swear, it will help ease it. I should be pain free as anything if that were the case. Liars. I hate being in this much pain. I haven’t been in this much pain since my surgery 9 years ago. I fear the worst is happening. I really wish I saw my PCP the week before I was to see him last. I know he would have ordered the MRI and I wouldn’t be having this worry right now about what is going on. Fucking doctors, always chicken to do the right thing. They never think how the patient with PTSD feels when this is happening to them again. I just hope my neurosurgeon understands and wants to help me with this. Otherwise, I am up the creek without a paddle. I am so frustrated. Why do docs always have to wait for the worst to happen before they take action? So pisses me off.

I think my next reading adventure is going to be an old psychology book. And by old, I really mean it. The book was published in 1938. I just hope it doesn’t fall apart as I read it. I was going to read some of my other books but I am tired of reading history and fiction. I want to read something else. I figure psychology is the way to go. I also was pondering on a writing book called “Writing Tools” and I might switch to that if the 1938 book is too dry. I still plan on finishing the American Gods, even though it freaks me out some. I am half way through it so I might as well finish it.

Blog Post 1496

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, writing

I didn’t have a good sleep. I was tossing and turning most of the night. I didn’t bother looking at the time as my room was still dark. I finally got up when I got successive text messages around 0830. It was a combination of Twitter and the T messages. Twitter was telling me people were liking and retweeting my tweets and the T was telling me of bus delays. I should have put my phone in “Do not disturb” mode. I didn’t have my phone on the charger so I had to put it on. While my phone was charging I decided to have some breakfast and make coffee. The coffee I made a little stronger than I usually do. I thought I would be ok with rounded scoops but I guess not. I know that for next time.

As I was waiting for the water to boil, I decided to put away some dishes in the strainer by the sink. Now I wish I hadn’t as my thigh is hurting me. I wasn’t planning on doing anything today except to write and read. I guess since I am in pain, I can take my pain meds but I hate taking them when I just wake up only to go back to sleep. Maybe if I “wish” the pain away it will. I am just going to be relaxing on my bed anyway, least till lunch. I really want to try and finish the American Gods, but that book is starting to creep me out. The author kills the characters in cruel ways. One character gets sucked into this story after his wife died because she was having an affair with another man. Then comes back from the dead to save him from some men who were good but very bad. She ends up killing these men. It’s all very strange. I have no idea where the story is going or what is going to come next because the main character just got killed. There are still over a 100 pages to read so the story must go on to something. But it’s very creepy and I am not one for creepy. I’m just glad I don’t fall asleep right away after reading this stuff or I think I would have nightmares.

After midnight last night, I emailed my psychiatrist to tell her I survived another day when I really wanted to end my life so badly. I felt like she had to know my struggle that I deal with these days as she is not around. I am still angry about my therapist making me promise to be around this week for her benefit. There was nothing more that I wanted to do yesterday than to take at least four bottles of pills and see what would happen to me. I know the likelihood of me getting sick would be greater than me actually dying. Now that I am still alive, I am feeling ten times more nervous about my appointment with the neurosurgeon tomorrow. Last week it felt like it was ages away and not it’s a little more than 24 hours away. I know nothing is going to happen, least not at this appointment as I need an MRI to determine the course of action. I am not looking forward to the MRI because I have to lie flat for at least 45 minutes and then be injected with contrast. I have bad veins so I need to be hydrated as possible for them to find the suckers. Otherwise, the MRI is useless. They won’t be able to tell new damage from old. The whole thing is just nerve racking, no pun intended.

Next week, I will have a break from my therapist. I am kind of mixed about this. In a way, I like having a breather from her and in another, I know I am going to miss her. It’s going to make the week longer because I won’t have our time to break up the monotony of the week. It might mean I go to Starbucks earlier. I hope to get some writing done. Last night I was working on my “roots” story. I got it up to about 1,300 words and then had to stop as it was close to 0100. I was tired and couldn’t think where else I wanted the story to go. I keep playing with it and try not to repeat myself as I go along. I had a friend of mine read it and she said that it was a good story. I took out the pieces that I pasted in there, thinking it would mesh but it didn’t. Now I got to write another two hundred or so words to make up for those two paragraphs that were worthless.

 

vicious cycle

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I have been reading my blogs. Seems at the time my NYT article was published, I was hypomanic. I would trade anything to be that way again. Being stuck in the pit of despair is just awful. I have no energy. My appetite is ravenous. I am sleepy. I have the opposite of being manic. I haven’t really left the house all day. I have been picking on the left over Chinese food and eating candy bars, in addition to real food. I just have this feeling of hungry and it hasn’t been satisfied. I have been trying to watch what I eat but part of me just doesn’t fucking care. I am worried about a friend who is sick and in the hospital. He seemed out of it yesterday when I called so I didn’t want to call him again. He hasn’t been eating for most of the month so that is very unlike him. He is the friend that I often go out to dinner with. I hope he gets better soon.

I slept kind of late today. But I had interrupted sleep. I kept waking up to change position. I sleep on my left side and my ankle would hurt. I turn over to my right and then my leg would hurt. I sleep on my back, my back would hurt. I think I need a new foam mattress topper. I plan on getting one soon as I figure out what to do with the old one. It’s heavy and probably needs to be cut so that it can be thrown away.

I am so tired that I don’t care, which is part of the problem. I am not sleeping good because I don’t have a good mattress and I don’t care because I am depressed. It’s a vicious cycle. And the toppers are not cheap. I can’t decide which one I want. I just want to sleep without pain. Used to be $100 for a foam mattress topper; now it’s over $100. And they have different ones, with pillow tops and without pillow tops. UGH. How is a person with depression supposed to decide these things?

Decision making has always been my downfall with depression. It takes me so long to decide what kind of socks I want to wear, what color jeans, what shirt/sweatshirt, etc just to get dressed when I have to go out. What normally takes someone five minutes, it takes me twenty. I just can’t seem to pick one. That is why I buy the same kind of jeans so it’s easier to pick out to wear. Course, now the problem is what fits me and what doesn’t. I have been wearing sweatpants because my jeans are a little too tight. And the more they are tighter, the more it’s harder to get the jeans looser. I refuse to buy the next size up. I just have to try and control my eating. But days like today are difficult to control when you want to eat everything in sight. Then there will be days when it’s a struggle to eat, when you have no appetite at all. All I really want to eat is Life cereal. Go back to my cereal diet and things will go back to normal. I hope anyways.

I told my mother that I wanted a brownie cake for my birthday. But I just checked my groceries, or what is left of them, and the box didn’t arrive with them. So now I will have to buy them. I am going to check to see if I didn’t put them in the cabinet where we place the baking stuff. I might have put it there so my mother knows where it is. If it is not there, then I will be pissed. Stop and Shop will have gipped me again. I didn’t get my pretzel rods but I got credited for it. If my foot wasn’t throbbing I would go downstairs and check. It’s going to bug me now. It’s probably in the cabinet.

I am so damn tired. I think I am going to take my meds and go to bed. My thoughts are becoming bad anyways. I had a hard time earlier tonight. Someone in BPD Chat set me off and I got triggered. One of the chat people was just being demeaning. It was making me uncomfortable. Like only people with BPD should be validated and if they don’t have BPD then they shouldn’t be validated at all. It was terrible. Everyone should feel validated even if they don’t have BPD. Being validated means so much to someone that is struggling with depression or any other type of mental illness. I had to leave before I said something I would regret. It was getting me feeling like I shouldn’t be validated because I don’t have BPD. And that is a suicidal trigger for me.

Saturday Blog 39

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

My sisters and I went out. It was a good time. We had plenty of Chinese food and brought most of it home. We just couldn’t finish it all. I came home and there was mail, mostly for me. Two good friends sent me Christmas tidings. My friend from Texas was very kind. She sent me a Hope coin. She wants me to hold on to it on my bad days. I am grateful to have her in my life. We always have good chats. She understands how dark my depressions are and doesn’t shy away from them. She wishes I don’t have them but she isn’t judgmental about it. She is a really good friend.

Even though I didn’t do too much of anything today, my thigh is hurting. I think if I sit too long, it aggravates it. So I try not to sit too long and walk around a little bit. I hate having this pain. It’s really driving me nuts. It’s making me more nervous about seeing the neurosurgeon on Tuesday. I just hope I am not wasting our time with this. The pain is not consistent and it doesn’t always come on when I sit too long, or at least when I think I have sat too long. It also has been brought on by walking home, after doing all that I did. I wish my fears would just go away but I have good reason to be fearful. Having a bad back is never an easy thing to not be afraid of. I just want an MRI to see if there are changes. I know that because I don’t have weakness or bowel/bladder problems there is probably nothing to worry about but I worry anyway.

I got an email from my favorite author. He finally described what a short story, novella, and novel were, in terms of word count. He will be coming out with a revised book about writing sometime in the next year. I will be getting this book because I love his writing style. He has been doing this for more than forty years so I think he knows something about writing.

My mother needed technical help with the TV as she was using one remote to shut the TV off and the other to shut off the cable box. Then was wondering why the TV wasn’t working. Going down and then back up the stairs really hurt my thigh. Seems anything to flex the muscles hurt. Dammit. I hope it calms down. I took a pain pill because my ankle is flaring. Hope it calms down both. I hate being in so much pain. I really want to end things tomorrow. But I promised my therapist I wouldn’t. It’s too bad I always keep my promises, but I never keep a promise to myself. Funny how that works.

My birthday is the day after the meeting with the surgeon. I am tempted to ask my therapist if I can stay with her overnight. I just am dreading this day so much. Why can’t I just stay 39? I just wish my family wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. It’s just another day.