Tag: Blogging

Disability and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I met with my psychiatrist today. She is doing good. She had a crutch with her but she did the last time she came back so I know it isn’t permanent. She assured me she was on her way to recovery. We did talk about the struggle of getting dressed and such and now she understands what I go through. We talked about all the stressors that have lead up to my psychosis, most of which was my back problems and not knowing the results of my MRI. She looked them up and it doesn’t sound too scary but she isn’t a neurosurgeon so doesn’t know what the impressions mean. The good news is I don’t have CES, which is my main relief. Whether or not I need surgery or just go back to PT is at the surgeon’s discretion. He still hasn’t called and I called the office today and of course there was an emergency. He knows I am looking forward to his call so it’s just a matter of him getting back to me.

We also talked about disability and she is convinced that with my back issues, I have total disability but I would be pushing it for mental. The woman that handles my case that wanted to know of changes, still hasn’t called me back. She might be on vacation so I will call Tuesday as Monday is a holiday.

The whole afternoon left me wiped out. I am so tired and in pain. My ankle did not want to walk on the way to the T stop to go home. I wish I brought my cane. I never had this happen before, usually it happens when I am in the vicinity of my house. But I had to collect my CD with my images and that cost me some steps. I just can’t walk around the hospital like I used to do. It kills me that I can’t do that anymore. I used to be able to without a problem. Now it’s a problem. My thigh is killing me now. I will just take some pain meds after I write this as I have nothing else I need to do today. I am just waiting to hear back from the surgeon.

I am feeling a little bit better that I don’t have emergency surgery in the foreseeable future. I did look at the images and they don’t look too bad. I have a bulge at L3-L4 and again at L4-L5 that likes to touch my L5 nerve root. But that has stayed the same. I just wish the voices would stop hounding me and go away. It will take a while for them to go away though. It’s been more than 5 weeks they have been active. I need to take more trilafon to really knock them out, but don’t tell them I said this. They won’t be happy.

I woke up early again today. I guess sleeping past 0700 is a myth. No matter what time I go to bed, I always wake up well before that time. I either have to go pee or I am in pain. Most of the time I am in pain then I have to pee after I take my pain meds. I still haven’t showered. I was going to this morning but said the hell with it and went back to sleep. I am glad that I set my alarm or who knows what time I would have woken up. I had to leave the house before 0949 so I can catch the bus to the Square and train stop so I could go to my appointment. If I overslept, I would have been screwed. My doc was running behind because of the new system. It was torture for her. She tried to enter trilafon as it wasn’t listed and couldn’t do it. It frustrated her to no end. I told her I haven’t been showering lately. She didn’t have much to say on the matter. I will shower eventually, but not today. I just am too depressed.

I sold another book. It’s in the UK so I won’t be getting the royalties. I have like 12GBP that is in my account but I can’t collect because the stupid bank doesn’t accept anything but USD. It is so frustrating. I still need to work on my book. But I have kind of given up on it because I think it will sell like my first book did. And self-promotion really sucks.

I wish we could just skip next week and go right to the week of the 24th. I am not looking forward to my father’s upcoming appointment and my appointment with the NP for my pain management. It’s the first time going to the office without my PCP there. It’s going to be strange. I know that I have seen the NP but I am not sure she is going to want to continue with my management so I don’t have to see the MD. I hear the MD is nice and all but I still don’t know her. My fears about this are what fueling the voices still. That is why meds haven’t taken care of them all. I know taking the meds would help tremendously but it’s a battle because they want me to take more than what I am supposed to.

Waste of Time

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Waste of time

I went to the hospital today to request a copy of my MRI. I figured it would be faster than waiting for the doctor to call me. I waited three hours for them to call me and it was wasted. I never got a call. By then I was hungry. I didn’t have the breakfast sandwich like I wanted because Starbucks was crowded and with my paranoia/voices, I didn’t think it would be a good idea to sit down. So I just had a latte and left.

My therapist was able to call me and we chatted a little bit. I told her that the paperwork had sent me over the edge. She was willing to provide what I needed but I told her she didn’t have to because it had to be sent in by Sunday. She also said we had to discuss what we wanted to say and everything. I think what is going to happen is that my therapist is going to have to write a letter saying that I cannot work due to my mental illness.

The lady I left a message with saying that my condition has changed never called me today. So much for calling right away. A lot of people I am waiting to hear back from, most importantly, my surgeon. I called his office while waiting and supposedly the message is on his desk. And of course, he is in surgery. I really hope I hear from him today.

While I was waiting for the records department to call me, I was contemplating going to the psych ER. But I knew that if I went, I would be hostage to them until I was seen and released. The whole idea didn’t appeal to me. But then my therapist called and put those ideas to rest. Today the voices are still rowdy but not as bad as they were yesterday.

I got to take a shower tonight. I need to leave early tomorrow for my psychiatrist’s appointment. It will be the first time seeing her since her hip replacement surgery. I haven’t seen her in a little over a month. It will be good to see her. I hope she doesn’t want me in the hospital. She knows stress always makes me psychotic.

I am very sad today. I found out that my friend’s dog, who had cancer, passed away this morning. I also found out this morning that Alan Rickman, the actor that played Snape in the Harry Potter series, passed. I was ready to bawl when I found out about the dog but I held it in. I couldn’t risk another day of getting a headache from crying.

Still Waking Up Early

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Still Waking Up Early

I realized I slept about seven hours or so, which is good for me. Trouble is that I woke up around 0500. I was in pain so I took my pain meds. My ankle felt like it was hanging by a thread. Weird sensation but that is what it felt like. I hate waking up in pain.

It’s too early to tell if the voices have stopped or not. I took some heavy dose meds last night, including 8 mg of trilafon and 20 mg of abilify. My psychiatrist is not going to like me taking so much abilify but I had to do something. I am worried the voices aren’t going to go away. I have to talk to my sister about me going in the hospital because someone will have to do my father’s meds. I hate going but I think it’s for the best at this point. I am not getting any better and I just keep getting more and more stressed out.

I’m going to go to the hospital today and get my report results. I am tired of waiting for my surgeon to call. Besides it will help take my mind off things by going out rather than just staying cooped up in my room all day. I’ll leave soon as I know the place is open. It’s still early so I can’t leave now. It’s dark out. I will take my laptop with me so I can view the results when I am at Starbucks. I really don’t want to take my laptop with me but sometimes it’s good. They usually give you a CD with the images on it. No one prints out films anymore. I can’t remember the last time I did get films.

It’s another cold day. I am going to have to dress warmly. I might just wear my long sleeved t-shirt and then my warm BoSox jacket. That jacket can really take the cold. I love it. I’ll also wear my beanie hat and I will stay warm. I hope there isn’t too much wind as that just brings the temp down more. I might take a shower today before I go out. It’s been a few days since my last shower. I used to be good at every other day but now I suck at it. It’s more like whenever I feel like it, which could be three days or more. Oh well. It’s not like I am going out every day anyways.

I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast. When I go to Starbucks later, I will have a breakfast sandwich. It’s been a while since I had one. I might be hungry later anyways as I had the cereal around 0530.

Still not good

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychosis

Still Not Good

I quickly took a PRN without the voices knowing about it and took an extra of the abilify that I take. Other than that, I don’t know what else to do. A couple of friends have suggested listening to music but the voices started their death chant with the beats of the music. I can’t stand loud music so I just turned it off. Sometimes listening to silence helps. My mother has gone to bed so I don’t have to hear the blare of the TV. I am glad she went to bed early. My shows are starting their new mid-season premieres and I am not recording them because I have nothing to record them on. I don’t have the heart to throw away the TiVo. I am still hoping for life one of these days with it. I will have to talk tech with the new TiVo guys because I have an old television set without an HDMI so if I need that it’s not going to be worth spending the money on the set.

My therapist never called me. My therapist is looking for a way for us to talk tomorrow. That will be good. I am just so stressed out but a little calmer than I was. I haven’t had many meltdowns but today was just the pits. My psychiatrist just got back to me. Wants to know when I do when I get report of my back. Nothing else was in the email. Guess she isn’t concerned about the damn voices or anything. I knew I should have paged her. But I always think of these things after hours. I wish she said something about the voices that would have comforted me somewhat. Sometimes I think she thinks I make them up or something.

I called my cousin who has bipolar to discuss the SSD stuff but he wasn’t interested. He never is. He just calls me when it’s convenient for him. Then has the nerve to say why don’t I call or where have I been like I have left the country without telling him or something. He is the lazy bastard that won’t take the groceries up the stairs when my mother goes shopping with him.

I hope I don’t have to see the SSD doctors. That will really stress me out. I know they won’t understand about CES or chronic pain. They may even not get PTSD and the like. They usually aren’t good doctors.

I just realized the PRNs I take for my psychosis are more than a year old. Crap. I still have like 15 pills. I don’t take them that often. Voices are worse at night, especially when I am tired and want to sleep. They want to have conversations with me. I woke up at a decent hour, after falling asleep at 0400. I had woken up at 0300. I hope that doesn’t happen again. I’d go to the ER tomorrow if I thought I could scrape by without a hospitalization. But they don’t like to hear when patients tell them the voices are telling you to do things, especially harmful things like take a bottle of pills and lots of them. They also don’t like it when you tell them you rather not wake up in the morning.

I never played the lottery so if my numbers come out, I only have myself to blame. But something is telling me that no one is going to win tonight. Jackpot will be 2 billion dollars and then someone will win.