Tag: Blogging

Pearl Jam, Coffee, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I woke up early and I haven’t been able to get back to sleep. So I made coffee. When I was done with my coffee, I had breakfast. I have been fighting a headache for the past half hour. I thought it was because I haven’t had lunch yet so I just made a cheeseburger. I am hoping that helps the headache.

I have been in a writing mood but nothing is coming to me. All I keep thinking about are owls and I don’t know what that means. I have been listening to Pearl Jam to drown out the voices in my head. They are just getting louder rather than softer. Having to deal with my father today hasn’t helped. I still got to call him back.

I don’t know why I am hearing voices. I know I am a little stressed out about some things that I can’t discuss on my blog. I have been writing in my journal but the voices are intrusive and want to know what I am writing all the time. It’s cold in my room and I don’t know if that has something to do with it. Just seems I am more vulnerable and I don’t know why. My psychiatrist cancelled our appointment for tomorrow so I have nothing to do. I might go to Starbucks, if I feel like it. I haven’t been feeling like doing much lately. I wanted to clean my ceiling fan today but said I would do it later and later hasn’t come yet. I am still feeling sick. My nose is still clogged up. I have been using Afrin as a decongestant but you can only use it for three days and I am approaching my third day. I know not sleeping isn’t helping this cold.

It’s a bit warmer outside than it is in my room. The heat system doesn’t work very well unless you turn the heat on 90. Then my room gets hot. So in the meantime, I got to wear layers. My feet are constantly cold now and I don’t know why. They feel frostbitten and I have them covered whenever I go downstairs. We have ceramic tile, which is always cold in the winter. This morning while drinking my coffee, I read “Explorations in Personality”. I wanted to get to page 100 but I bailed out at page 85. There was so much information that I needed a dictionary for some of the terms they were using so it was distracting me. I am still wondering where Shneidman got the list of 20 needs when the needs I read were not the same ones. That’s the only reason why I am reading this book. I always like to read first source information. I hope it’s later in the book.

I need to read “American Gods” later tonight. I haven’t touched that book in more than a week. I am charging the tablet as we speak. I have this book on Kindle. I am glad because I don’t think I can fit any more books in my room. It’s starting to become a library. I have bought so many books over the past several months and have no place to put them. One of these days I will clear my desk off and put them there so they are not on the floor.

I’m having a hard time focusing my eyes today for some reason. It’s probably because I am so damn tired. I wish I could nap but I am not sleepy. I hope I am not getting another migraine. That will suck. I had one the other day and it was not pleasant. Starting tomorrow, I got to try and increase my fluids. I figure if I drink at least 64 ounces of fluid for the next few days I should be hydrated enough for the tech to get vein for the contrast. I will be a peeing like crazy but I need to get my veins pumped up. I am really nervous about the MRI. I will need to take an Ativan and a pain pill because I can’t stand laying flat on my back for more than 45 minutes. The MRI tables are just not comfy. I also need to bring a face cloth as I am a little claustrophobic. Last time they didn’t have one and it was tough. I had to keep my eyes shut the whole time.

Just in a Bitchy Mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Just in a Bitchy Mood

I woke up early in the morning, like 0230 early. I was not happy. I only slept a few hours at that point. Then I go back to sleep about an hour later after I took some more Nyquil and Neurontin. I woke up around 1045 and I was hungover, most likely because of the Neurontin. All I wanted to do was sleep but I had my therapy appointment and I couldn’t blow it off. I got a call from my psychiatrist’s office. She had to reschedule my appointment for Friday. I don’t know why she didn’t call or email me. Now I am worried. I hope she didn’t have a setback. My only other explanation is the red tape the hospital has on coming back to work after being out for a while.

Because my sleep has been all fucked up, my tolerance has been extremely low. I was at Starbucks and the damn sun, which was reflecting off the building across the street, annoyed the crap out of me. It was just too damn bright. I wish the sun came with a dimmer switch sometimes. Then there was a girl that was talking silly to a boy in front of her. It just annoyed me. I just wanted her to shut up so I could listen to my music on my headphones. I really need to get noise cancelling headphones. I had a pair but they broke. I know Bose makes a pair of headsets that are noise cancelling but they are wicked expensive for my budget.

I had therapy today and we talked about things. I found out that she loves me sincerely but it’s not the kind of love like in a sexual relationship, which relieved my anxiety. I still don’t know why she loves me as I think I am unlovable. I asked her if she thought I was special and she goes into a tirade about stuff and I am like does that mean yes or no? She finally answered yes and then went on to explain that she doesn’t know where these questions come from. She still blames it on the trauma that I have been through. She brought up again the reason I don’t accept good feelings or reject good intentions is because of the complex PTSD that I have. I asked her if I have borderline traits and she said that I didn’t. I didn’t think that I did because I don’t have emotional dysregulation that borderline traits or borderline personality disorder have. I used to, but not anymore.

We also talked about my father and how narcissistic he is. I asked about narcissistic injury and she just didn’t explain it well. She basically told me to google it. I wanted to google it before writing this blog but I am not in the mood to google. I might do a separate blog about it. I also told her that I was nervous about the SSD review. I haven’t heard anything for a month now. And she hasn’t gotten any paperwork from them. Makes me think that my case is in limbo.

We talked briefly about my suicide thoughts. I told her I wanted to get some really lethal means and she was shocked about this. It was because of my crapping my pants last night that I have had enough of dealing with this. I haven’t told her about the voices telling me to do things. I’m hoping they will go away on their own. I just have a week until my MRI and then my stress level should level off. I haven’t been feeling paranoid or delusional. Just having voices talk to me all the time telling me to do things. And they are not my “normal voices”. If they were, then I wouldn’t be so worried. I hate hearing foreign voices. I know it’s because I am stressed. I have a lot on my mind. Having a fucked up sleep schedule is not helping either. Most of it has to do with having this stupid cold that I have. I wake up congested and not being able to breathe. It’s getting better but I am not quite well yet.

After therapy, I went to Starbucks. I used my cane because my leg has been bothering me. I am glad I did because on the way home, my thigh really started to hurt me. I haven’t done anything but walk, not too far though. I got my prescription from the pharmacy on the way home. One of them was stuck in limbo because of some computer glitch. My mother called to see where I was and when I told her, she said she wanted the paper. When I came home she said supper is what ever I want to make. I knew I should have ordered pizza and fries. Now I’ll probably have just a bowl of cereal.

Random 167

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I woke up early today around 0530. I didn’t stay up too long as I only got 5.5 hours of sleep. I had to use the bathroom and then I couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I checked messages on my phone before finally passing out again. I couldn’t believe that I only slept 5.5 hours with all the medication that I took, including Nyquil.

My therapist is back and we talked. Mostly we got caught up in things. She got my letters that I sent her so she has something to read. I told her the 26th might be a day that I see her. She starred it on her calendar. She is too funny. I didn’t ask her a question that I wanted to. It slipped my mind as we were talking about so many things. I will try and ask her tomorrow.

My father called today and wanted me to come over the house to do his meds because he was going to spend a few days with his girlfriend. I get there and the plans have changed. He wasn’t going. I filled the boxes just the same. I hope that by doing so I don’t make Tuesday a regular day to go over there. Tues and Wed are my days to go to Starbucks and have “me” time. I don’t want to give that up. It will just mess up my routine.

Because of the detour of my father’s impatience, I again didn’t shower today. I was planning on doing it in the afternoon, after therapy, as I wasn’t planning on going out. I thought it would be too cold out as the temp was in the teens. I was fooled or maybe because I had a heavy winter jacket. There was no wind so that helped. I had coffee at home, which was good. I am glad I made it because it made reading my book easier. I really wanted to finish the book today but now I am tired and I don’t think I will be able to get back to it. My father always stresses me out when I go over there. I should have brought my cane but he would just laugh at me so I didn’t. I am regretting that decision as my thigh is burning. I can’t wait till I get the MRI next week.

I’m back to paying for my medications. I had a feeling with the start of the new year copays would come back. Only thing that sucks is that the generic medications went up to $20 for a 30-day supply. I am going to see if my doc can give me a 90 day supply as the cost is the same. My doc isn’t going to be happy with this because she hates the new system. I just refuse to pay extra money when I can get more. Why pay $60 for 90 days retail when I can pay $20 for mail order. I am going to drive my doc nuts.

I just had a bowel accident so was forced to shower. I feel like a dumdum because I trusted a fart. I was doing so well too with going to the bathroom even though what I thought to be a fart turned out to be crap. My streak of no accidents has ended. I just feel awful and want to crawl into a hole. I am just glad my mother isn’t home. She went downstairs to my sister’s. Great new year I am having. Just hate this bullshit.

Venting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Venting

I vented to FB about a blogger that was bugging me. I had to get it off my chest because it really was bothering me. I got no responses to the vent but I wasn’t looking for one.

As mentioned previously, I am reading the book “The Outsiders”. I am remembering the movie as I am reading it, even though it has been more than 20 years since I saw the movie and read the book last. I am at the part where Johnny will soon kill someone and I am hesitant to read it. It’s not a pleasant scene.

It’s official, I have a cold of some sort though I don’t feel really sick from it. I just have a miserable nose and the congestion is causing my upper teeth to hurt really bad. I have been using Afrin to unclog my nostrils but the effect is temporary at best. Then I start sneezing and I am wondering how much of the stuff I am sneezing out. All discharge is clear so I don’t have an infection. I am still taking D and drinking tea with honey. I am finally hydrated as my pee is a normal clear yellow rather than a dark orange color. I hate being sick. My lips are cracked so bad that I can’t put any moisturizers on it because it hurts and I have a bloody lip. I am really terrified that a sneeze is going to knock my back out. That is not going to be good when I get the MRI next week.

I had to refill a few prescriptions and this time it’s costing me money. I guess my free copay expired at the beginning of the year. I got to find out why one of my generic medicines is fricken $20 and the other is less than ten. I hope it’s an error. I knew I would have to pay so I have been careful with my money since my birthday. I also have my mother’s birthday coming up so I plan on getting her a sub. She loves getting an Italian sub from one of her childhood hangouts. It’s the best that I can do for her as I need to watch what I spend before the end of the month.

I feel really nervous about talking with my therapist tomorrow. Normally, I am hoping for another week off but this time, I am looking forward to our time. I need to find out about something she wrote in my birthday card to me. It’s bugging me really bad and I hope it’s not true to the extent that I think it is. I don’t plan on seeing her until the end of the month when I get paid again.

I made my phone calls today. I was on hold for a good many minutes as I knew I would be. I also reserved the Zipcar so I would have it. I have to check and make sure I have the right garage/place so I can take it. I think it is, but it’s hard to know when I don’t know the name of the garage. I requested just three hours because it shouldn’t take that long and it gives me time to get gas should I need it. Sometimes the person before me doesn’t fill up and it drives me crazy. I hate leaving a vehicle with less than a half tank of gas.

I knew I was going to be up late. I hope to be sleeping by midnight. I need to have rest but with all the tea I drank, I have to use the bathroom. Plus I drank caffeinated tea so I am kind of wired from that. I just took some pain meds because my thigh is acting up. The temp dropped another ten degrees so I am hurting. I knew I was going to be anyway from all the walking but I wasn’t expecting the temp to be in the teens. I am glad I had my mother turn up the heat as it’s nice and warm in my room. I don’t have to be putting on layers of clothes to stay warm, which doesn’t help when you have a stupid cold.

I filled my pill box. I am thinking one of these days I should rearrange where the pill bottles are so it’s easier for me to go through them. I have them spaced out all over my bureau. I should just have them in a box so I know that is what I need. Job gets done but I feel like I am playing don’t knock down dominoes because I have so many pill bottles. I honestly don’t know how I got to be on so many meds. It’s crazy that I take so many pills. I know most people with chronic conditions like me do take a lot of pills, maybe even more than I do. It just sucks because I remember the days when I was just taking two or three pills a day and now I am on four times that amount. And I take meds twice a day now where before I just took them once. I know I have to be on them if I want to survive but sometimes I wonder if it is necessary. Like being on two BP meds. Maybe a higher dose of one med would be sufficient to keep my blood pressure in check. I know losing weight will be the easier answer but I don’t see that happening. The meds I take make me hungry. I eat late at night because for some reason, after I take my meds, I feel like I am starving. And I can’t sleep on an empty stomach. If I do, I usually dream about food and wake up hungrier than I did before I went to sleep. Then the docs wonder why I can’t lose weight. They think it’s easy to control your eating but when you have meds that make you hungry, it’s kind of a losing battle.

A story is percolating around my brain. I am hoping it comes out soon. I think I am ready to write about my childhood fantasy as my mental illness short story piece. I just hope that when I do, I don’t fall back into the delusional thinking and lose track of where I am and what year I am in. I want to discuss this with my therapist first as I will need her support around this or I will become dangerously psychotic.

I never showered today. I got too congested and didn’t feel like it. I seriously need to shave and that is part of what is holding me back. It just takes so much time and it is exhausting. Then you need to shower to rinse off the hair and stuff. It always takes so much out of me when I do it. It also sucks when you are sick because you just want to get in and out. But I have neglected shaving for some time now and it’s causing me to itch and I hate it.