Tag: Blogging

Random 123

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

So far my day had been ok. I read my Civil War book and wrote a little more on my short story. I had a nap that was good until I woke up with my good foot hurting. Soon as I repositioned it, it felt better so I am not sure what its problem was. I had lunch after my nap. I was going to have a cheeseburger but decided to make a peanut butter and jelly roll up. That was good. Think I will have my cheeseburger for dinner. My mother made awful chicken wings last night. She used ketchup as a sauce. I only like ketchup with fries and tater tots. She didn’t have any BBQ sauce. I think she should have checked this before defrosting a whole bag of wings. I would have gone to the store to get the sauce. My mother just doesn’t think sometimes.

What turned my day bad was my damn bowels. I again had to push like I was in labor to get the stool out. It hurt like hell. I have been taking fiber pills and senna as I haven’t gone in a few days. I think the hard stuff is out but I still feel uncomfortable. My ass is killing me with nerve pain so it’s very uncomfortable to sit. I go through this with every single bowel movement. It hurts but usually it goes away. But if I am straining to go, the more I hurt. Now I am in a bad mood because I am in pain in place that shouldn’t really be hurting. Every time it hurts, it just reminds me that I don’t have normal bowels anymore thanks to Cauda Equina Syndrome. It stresses me out. I just want to die right now just so I don’t have to deal with it anymore. I really was expecting the fiber pills to soften my stools to make it easier to go. I guess that plan didn’t work, least not yet. I can’t take too much because if I do make soft stools, I will lose control and crap my pants. I will lose it if that happens. I’ve already come close to crying once today.

Today is National Cookie Day so I had one of my molasses cookies that I bought. I have been craving them for some time now. But I was only able to stomach one. I am so backed up that food doesn’t interest me. I think about eating it, but when I actually get it, I am turned off by it. I hate feeling this way. I should have had coffee today but it’s too late now to have a cup. I had a cup of tea with breakfast and that just put me to sleep. I will have it tomorrow. Think I will make the Brazil coffee.

The temp is in the forties, but it feels colder in the house. Even my laptop is cold to the touch. We are supposed to go up to the 50s this week. I hope we do. I can’t take the cold because it’s bothering my hip/back. I wanted to vacuum today but my hip has been talking to me most of the day so it’s not happening. I would be hurting more if I attempted to do it. I wish my mother didn’t bring the big vacuum downstairs. It would have been easier for me to vacuum with it than the little dirt devil that I have. Oh well. If I felt like lugging it back upstairs I would. I am surprised my mother brought it down the stairs. I am always so fearful of her falling because of her knees giving her so much trouble.

Random 525

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

My day was longer than expected. After my father had his appointment, we had lunch, which was good and bad. I don’t know how many times he said he was a good cook and then he “playfully” was charging me for the meal. I hated being there. I should have just left but I wanted to make sure the jerk ate something and I knew the only way for that to happen was if I ate with him. I could go into detail about the torture he put me under but I won’t. I still am a good for nothing person and that is all that I will say. The only good thing was that I had lunch.

I am very annoyed this ass still gets me feeling like a jerk when I did nothing wrong. I put the dishes in the sink but apparently it wasn’t the “right way”. Meanwhile, he is running water like he owns the company. He turned it on and then sat down to watch TV. Unreal. If that were me, he would have chopped my head off. He is losing it. 83 years old and he acts like an idiot.

I didn’t carry my bag as I didn’t think I would be writing anything. I was right. I just didn’t have time. I knew the idiot would be there early for his appointment so I just grabbed my mocha and left. I didn’t order extra shots for fear of being dizzy. Now that I am home, I am going to have some gin. I think I have earned it after spending three fucking hours with an asshole.

I tried to make some space on my phone as my memory keeps sucking. I have a 64GB SD card and I have no memory?? Turns out, it’s my phone’s memory not the card. So now I got to find files I can transfer to the card. I tried while I was waiting for my father but it kept giving me a duplicate message error. I am going to have to hook up my phone to the laptop and sort it out. I think some songs that I bought are on the phone rather than the card, so there is a start. That will free up some MB of memory.

I might write a drunk blog, depending on how much gin I drink. And I don’t give a fuck. This week has been hell. I know this means I can’t take a pain pill but I really don’t care. You know what will be really funny? If I go out for my birthday and I get carded. I always get carded whenever I want to drink, which is not often. But my sisters won’t. It kills me because I am the fucking oldest. I don’t drink often but when I do, it’s in excess, usually.

I don’t care how much gin I drink tonight. I just wish my phone would fucking cooperate with me. It won’t transfer the files from my phone to my SD card nor my desktop. UGH. I might have to call Sprint and see what can be done about this. I have tried several different ways of transferring the files and it keeps giving me an error message like the damn files are burned to my phone and it won’t let go. I really want to transfer the files so I can reset my MP3 player as it is not working right. I am getting frustrated.

Mensch

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Mensch

My therapist and I were talking about my suicidality and she called me a mensch. At first, I thought she said wench and I was like wow, she is calling me a bad name for the first time. But when I asked her to repeat it, she said Mensch, with an “m”. She looked it up in her dictionary to find the meaning. I laughed because she had the book not an electronic one on her phone like most people now a days. I sometimes forget they still exist. Anyways, the word mensch means “person of integrity and honor”. I had to look up the spelling of the word (as I had no clue how to spell Jewish words. She said it was a Jewish word.) Leave it to her to call me that when I feel like crap. It does fit me, though I would always be expected to be called something other than that, given how I feel.

Time went slower today in session than it did yesterday. We were talking about how my father always gives me a hard time and just expects me to jump when he calls. He called today and wanted me to go over to his house for his meds as he was out. I couldn’t go because my ankle was a bitch. It was raining anyways, which didn’t help my pain levels at all. I asked my sister to go as she works down the street from him. I told her what he needed for tonight and I would fill the rest tomorrow. She texted back that he was running low on one of his meds. Great. I would either have to call the pharmacy or the doctor’s office tomorrow. I won’t know until I get there. He didn’t care that I was in pain. How typical. All this guy cares about is himself and his needs. Makes me sick.

So my therapist talked about this for a while. We also talked about me not wanting to be around for my birthday that is coming up in a couple weeks. She told me it is unlikely that I will be talking to her that day. Her daughter has a half day of school and she needs to be out of the office to pick her up. She has a short week that week so I don’t know if we can schedule another time. Not that it really matters. I really don’t want anyone making a fuss about it. My family included. They are planning this big party but they aren’t sure where they are going to have it. I don’t even know when or where it is going to be. I told them I would rather just have it with just my immediate family members (my nieces, nephew, mother, father, and sisters) than have it with extended family. But my sisters are not hearing me. It’s making me upset. I rather they do it at my youngest sister’s place when her kitchen is all finished. I’ll still be the same number so what is the big deal? And with me just not wanting to be here anyway, it’s just increasing my suicidality.

I finished off the SSD paperwork and will be mailing it in tomorrow. I wasn’t leaving the house today unless it was burning down. I just hurt too much. My therapist was happy with what I wrote. I just hope that the SSD people see that I am still disabled. I might not have been in the hospital for a year now, but that is the only improvement. I might have to be if this birthday thing gets worse. I was also telling my therapist that I don’t want to be here because of the increase in pain and would try something after I say goodbye to my PCP for the last time. He is leaving the practice and I will be seeing someone I don’t know. I just can’t deal with change and stress. My therapist pointed out that she is not going anywhere and that I can’t leave my pdoc hanging while she is recovering from surgery. Usually her saying these things makes me re-think things about my death but not this time. I think I am in deep constriction and I want a way out. Come to think of it, talking to her the same day as the day I see my PCP will be the last time I talk to her, too. Only thing is, I don’t really have a plan. Going to have to think of one between now and then.

After our session, I took some pain meds as my ankle was really hurting. I was waiting for the session to end to take them because I didn’t want to be loopy Lou while talking to her. I’m still feeling loopy Lou because I haven’t been able to sleep off the meds. I just can’t seem to fall asleep when I lie down. If I am sitting up, I am dozing off but soon as I lie down, forget it, I am awake. I have gotten so used to my pain waking me up and startling me that I think lying down just gives me flashbacks and I am unable to relax enough to sleep. That is why it takes me so damn long to actually fall asleep sometimes. Last night despite me telling Twitter world that I was passing out, it took me at least an hour to actually do so. It really sucks having PTSD.

Feeling better, physically at least

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling better, physically at least

I woke up with a start because I thought I was going to lose control of my bladder. It’s the hurry up and run situation. It was still dusk out so I didn’t have to turn on the lights, except my bedroom light so I could see where I was going. I am feeling better than I was yesterday but I am still feel nauseous. Post nasal drip is not helping me out any. I still don’t have any appetite. But I plan on making an egg burrito in a couple of hours. I should have juice with it but am afraid the acid might make me sick as I am not feeling 100%.

I didn’t sleep very well. I woke up at 0244 and then again a few hours later. But I don’t feel as sick as I did so that is good. I hope my appetite comes back because I am seeing my friend tonight for dinner. It will suck if he eats and I dabble. I am looking forward to meeting my friend more than just having dinner with him. I enjoy his company and our talks. He is a good friend.

Since cyber Monday, I have been getting a shit load of junk email. Prices have been marked down so buy this and that. I just got one from Vitamin Shoppe. I wish I could unsubscribe from them but there is no stupid link to do so. I must get at least 5 emails from them a day. It is so annoying. I would block them but I order from them occasionally so need to have them in my contacts.

I’m still depressed. I just can’t get away from the cloud of depression. It follows me everywhere. I wish there was something I could take for it to make it go away. But I think I have suffered too long with it that there is no recovering from it. Sometimes I am at peace with it but when it’s accompanied by pain, all bets are off. I cannot tolerate psychache, least not like I used to. I used to have a high tolerance for pain. I think I still do, but I grow weary of being in pain all the time. It’s annoying. And there is no relief in sight. It’s not like I can take two aspirins and be okay. Maybe for my general physical pain I can do that, but not with psychache. It’s all in the mind and there is nothing soothing when you feel it. It consumes you to no end.

I have to take a shower sometime today before I go out. That is going to be the greatest task today. I feel crummy mentally so I don’t really want to shower. I think I am going on three days of no showering. It’s so hard when you feel like crap. I think I will try to take one around 0900 today. Then I can go to the pharmacy and pick up my prescription. If I time it right, I might be able to squeeze in a nap before my therapist’s appointment. I know I will be tired around 1000 or so. I usually am when I wake up around dusk or earlier. I’m going to need rest today if I am going to make it to my friend’s dinner date.