Tag: books

A Rough and Boring Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A rough and boring day

I had a rough night sleeping. Seems I can only sleep in three hour spurts. I was again rudely waken up by a family member while dreaming so that added to my exhaustion. I don’t know why I can’t sleep. I emailed my psychiatrist but I haven’t heard back. I also told her about the trilafon situation and how the voices have become kind of commanding. I was going to page her today but never got around to it because of my sleepiness. I had set my alarm so I wouldn’t sleep all day as I bought a book yesterday and wanted to pick it up. It’s just being added to my “to read” pile I have going on in my room. There are 10 books right now in that pile, not including the books on my Kindle. I just finished one book so I am happy about that. Now if I can get through another book by the end of the month, I will be happy.

I got home and immediately felt paranoid for some reason. It was hard to shake but I think the feeling is gone now. I distracted myself with Twitter. One of my Twitter buddies was in the area where the local bookstore is and if his schedule permitted, we could have met up. Unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe another time. I seem to be getting books at least once a month from this bookstore so maybe next month we can meet up.

I went to the Square to have my coffee. I think the person making it used regular cream instead of sweet cream because it didn’t taste all that sweet. I drank it anyway. I wrote in my journal until half the coffee was gone and then took off for the local bookstore. I really didn’t do much else. It just feels like a boring day. Nothing interesting happened. I did have a new sandwich that I liked at the Au Bon Pain. It had avocados and their zesty Dijon mustard that I love. This one had turkey in it with some kind of cheese. It was really good. I might get it tomorrow if I go out. It depends on how my damn ankle/foot is. It started flaring up on the walk back to the station after leaving the bookstore. My right also acted up but the left was worse. I wish I brought my cane but I didn’t carry my regular bag with me today. I just brought a cloth bookbag because that is what I needed it for. My regular bag has my cane in it.

I was debating getting a haircut at a new barber shop in the Square but didn’t. I couldn’t decide how I wanted it cut. I really got used to the bald cut that I had a few weeks ago. Now that my hair has grown back, I look like a chia pet so I need it cut again. I think I will go tomorrow morning to the same barber’s shop I go to. My mother isn’t going to like it but oh well. It’s my head not hers.

I will be placing my grocery order tomorrow. I can’t wait because I am out of Oreos and I have been craving them. They cost too much at Walgreens, but then, everything is a little overpriced at Walgreens. I think you are just paying for the convenience rather than the value.

I’m not doing anything tonight except possibly read one of my many books. I have three that I am actively reading. Harry Potter, Common Struggle, and Dostoevsky. The other books listed on my GoodReads section of my blog are books that I read when I have the mental energy to. They are quite dense. One of the books I have no idea where I placed it last. I think it is in a hamper that I have junk instead of clothes. The “junk” is more papers and books than actual junk. I have to go through it one day to sort it out. I just need to find the motivation to do it. Maybe I should set up a reward system or something. If I do it, I can get some stuff on Amazon. Amazon is becoming my new addiction for buying things I need but don’t absolutely need. I bought two more books. One of the books is by JK Rowling’s pen name, which I can’t think of at the moment. It’s a fiction/mystery book I think. I think they are turning it into a movie in the UK so I want to read it. There are three books in the series so if I like it, I will get the other two. I do like Rowling’s writing so I know those books will be a good reward to clean out that hamper.

Post 1813

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Post 1813

I was going over my blogs. I found one that I wrote the day before my father died. I barely remember that day. I am glad I wrote it because I honestly couldn’t remember if I saw him that Sunday or not. I guess it’s good that I write these blogs because it’s like an online journal of my daily activities and thoughts and feelings. I do have a journal but to me, it’s more fun writing online than in a notebook.

Tomorrow is Father’s day. It is the first father’s day without him. I am having mixed feelings about it. I do miss my father’s crankiness. He was lonesome during the last few months of his life. I think he knew he was dying and didn’t want to be alone. He never said, least not that I know of, that he knew. His last hospitalization was his final one. I also read blogs from the beginning of April when he had pneumonia. I knew then he wasn’t going to make it home. In the end he did, but only to spend his last two hours of his life there. I never finished writing the story of that day. I have been putting it off because it hasn’t been so present in my mind.

My sister posted an old photograph of my father when he was younger on Facebook. The look that he gave was to me scary. It literally reminded me of how cruel he could be to us. Next Saturday it will be two months since his death. I still haven’t processed it. People have told me it could take as long as a year. I am like WTF, seriously? There hasn’t been a day that goes by that I don’t think about him since he died. While he was living, I could give two shits. I was always on edge for that private number to pop on my phone when the normal ringtone rang. Ready to say how high to jump when he called.

I haven’t been as psychotic or paranoid today, but then, I haven’t been outside. I have been in the house most of the day. The only time I went outside was to check the mail and get my package. I have been playing with my Fire most of the day and I finally read some of Dostoevsky as well as a new book. I don’t know why I started reading a new book but I did. This makes book six that I am reading. It’s an easy book. It’s about creating an online presence. I think I have one between the various social media that I have and my blog. I just wish I could find a way to promote my book better. I am hoping one of the ten books that I bought will show me how to do that. I know I just need to find the right audience.

I haven’t been working on my second book. I really don’t know what to write anymore or if I want a second book. I keep up with the blog hoping I will find a good writing space and write an excellent story. But that is too far and in between. So in the mean time, I am reading about books on writing and just reading in general. My father always said that it was important to read and write. I think he would be proud of the library that I have. It is very diverse, from history to psychology to mystery/crime. It was the one thing he would give me money for was books. I know I have them haphazard around my room and office, but I do take good care of them. I just need a room where I can have bookcases, like a real library. That is a dream of mine when I have my own apartment or house or in this modern world, a condo.

A Blog about Books

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

I finally finished “Rise to Greatness”. I think I am going to write a review about it as this book really had me going and then it didn’t because it was just reiterating stuff I already knew about Lincoln and his cabinet and the war. It was very well researched for just one year of the war. I enjoyed reading it overall.

Now that I have finished one book, I have like 7-8 books to choose from, all different genres. I still haven’t finished “American Gods”. I am about 200 pages away from that. If I keep reading it this week, I might finish by New Year’s. I still have the Dostoevsky’s collection of books to read. I always like to have at least two books that I am reading around the same time. This way when I get bored with one, I have another to keep my interest going. I am finding that “real” books are easier to read than those on the Kindle. I guess there is just some satisfaction in knowing you are nearing the end of the book whereas the Kindle you don’t know where you are in the book. They have put in the page number you are on but it’s not the same thing. I have found that turning the “page” doesn’t equate with the book page. I guess it’s just the way it is formatted.

I think I am going to bring up my book “Brilliant Blunders” so I can finish it. It has been on my “currently reading” list since I bought it three years ago. I bring it with me when I leave the house but I never seem to read it. I always journal or write when I am at Starbucks and I am usually too nervous to read when I am with my father or at a doctor’s appointment.

I have two John Grisham books that I haven’t read yet. I just bought his latest book, “Rogue Lawyer”. It had good reviews, but then doesn’t all of his books get good reviews? I wish I could write as well as he does. I also have one more Harry Potter book to read to finish the collection I bought.

I also plan on buying a Civil War book collection. It’s about the stories as told by those that lived it. It’s $100 for the 4 or 5 book collection. I have been waiting for Christmas so I can get it. I think I am going to hold off for now only because I might have to use my money for Zipcar use.

Into the Sauna

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Into the Sauna

It’s wicked hot and humid. I think it’s more humid than hot! The temp is only in the low 80s but it feels like it is 100. I went to the bank and got coffee. Then I went to Anna’s Taqueria to get a burrito. I like Chipotle’s better. The tortilla was not very flavorful, the meat was bland, and the guac had too much lime or lemon juice. I really didn’t like it as much as I was hoping to. It was the first time and last time I will be getting food there, even if they are cheaper than Chipotle’s. After that, I did a few errands and then waited in the hottest bus stop for the bus. If it was 100 outside, inside this waiting area was at least 120. It was pitiful. I was soaked by the time the bus came. I came home, dropped everything, and then took a much needed cold shower. It felt really good. My ankle doesn’t like me much right now. And I had emailed my doc about the pain giving me anxiety. Turns out, the body doesn’t like pain and so will shoot up the heart rate. I hate the anxiety more than I hate pain right now. I hate feeling nervous all the time, like I drank five cups of coffee kind of nervous. I just took a pain pill because I need to get the pain under control again.

We talked a lot about my pain in therapy today. My therapist had a better explanation than my psychiatrist, which I didn’t believe until my psych emailed me back. I didn’t think we were ever going to talk about anything else, but we did, thankfully. After fifteen minutes, I felt like talking about pain and anxiety was enough. I wish the session ended there but it didn’t. I still had another 35 minutes to kill. I had texted my therapist about the NYT’s opinion piece. She was curious as to how I did it and of course, why. I told her it was on a whim but I felt I had nothing to lose by submitting it. She was excited for me. I haven’t heard anything back from them. I don’t really expect a response. I will try emailing them again next week and see if that has any pull. Maybe if I bug them enough, it will get published? I don’t really want to do that but I will. I have taken the blog down so there is no copyright issue, if there is one.

I have been voting crazy for Xander Boegarts, our shortstop for the Sox. We are trying to get him voted in by Friday. It doesn’t look good as he is in fifth place. I have been texting and web voting using two accounts. One for my laptop and the other on my phone. So if you are a Sox fan VOTE for X! He needs help going to his first All Star Game. He deserves to go. He would be the youngest player for the Sox since 1946! That was a long time ago.

My therapist asked me about my psychache. I honestly don’t feel psychological pain. I am in too much physical pain to really feel anything else. And the anxiety that goes with it, well, that just drives up my agitation levels. Agitation and suicidality doesn’t mix too well. I do have Ativan to calm me down. I just wish I didn’t have to use it. I don’t know why suddenly I am having more anxiety with my pain, or vice versa. Granted it is when my pain jumps from a 3 to a 10 that I am in real agony and really anxious. My therapist wasn’t too much of a help in dealing with the anxiety. She was concerned and worried to be of help and I hate when she gets that way. Because what the hell am I seeing her for if she isn’t helpful?? Mentally, I can be calm and know it’s a physiological response, but that doesn’t help bring down my heart rate. It’s like telling someone with a panic attack to calm down. Not helpful! I have tried the deep breathing but I must be doing it wrong because after a while, I get lightheaded. I should buy a pulse ox machine to monitor my heart rate during the anxiety. Which also reminds me, I need to replace my blood pressure machine. Something is wrong with the inflator tube and it keeps giving me error messages. It’s more than five years old so it does need to be replaced. I have had hypertension (high blood pressure) since 2008. It was discovered during a psych admission. I had spent a week in the hospital and my bp was dangerously high. So high, that it prevented me from being discharged because they were afraid I would stroke out. I had to stay a few extra days to get on blood pressure meds to get stabilized. It sucked! But better safer than sorry.

I seriously need to find a hobby. I need something to occupy myself now that my game is gone. I have tried finding other games but it’s just not as fun. I know Pioneer Trail was annoying at times, but it helped pass the time away and it was a good distraction. I now have three Facebook accounts that I don’t use anymore. I haven’t deactivated them because I might need to use them for Farmville or a new game called Household. In the meantime, I am buying more and more books, either Kindle or paperbacks. I even downloaded the Kindle app on my phone so I can have my books with me. I really need to clear my “currently reading” list from Goodreads. I have six books there. One of them is “Uncle Tom’s Cabin”. I kind of got really sad when my favorite character died and I haven’t been able to get back into the book. I am at 75% read, so I just want to finish it. It is a good book, though the dialogue is kind of hard to understand because the author injected the old southern accent into it, especially when the slaves “talk”. I think that will be my summer goal. I can finish it by end of July. Then I can start on the new book I just bought that is written my Neil Gaiman.