Tag: Boston Red Sox

Long Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I woke up around 0630 today in pain, again. This is getting so old. I haven’t taken a nap all day because I have been on Lesterwatch. It is coming down to Jon Lester signing with the Cubs or the Sox. And looks like there will be another day of anxiety because he can’t come to a decision today. I am so annoyed and frustrated. I want a decision and I want one NOW. But it’s not for me to make. I really would like Lester to be back in a Sox uniform come spring training. I miss him. But if he chooses to be in another uniform, I will be crushed, again.

I had a good session with my therapist today. We didn’t get anywhere with her anxiety problem but we are working on maybe using a code word when I sense she is getting tense to let her know. She really like my last blog post about how I handled the blog commenter. I didn’t know if I made sense as I was writing it while I was sleep deprived. Seems my best writing happens when I am in a sleep deprived state. Go figure. We also talked briefly about my father and his surgery. Then we talked about my pain levels. Told her my back is still out of commission. I just brushed my teeth and by the time I was done in the few minutes it took, while standing, my back spazzed big time. I don’t know what I am going to do. I am supposed to “babysit” my father tomorrow but I don’t know how that is going to go down. This sucks so bad. I can’t be living off Ativan. Maybe I should go to the docs and see what they have to say. Though I KNOW they are just going to just send me to physical therapy, as if that is the cure all for everything. I just have to wait till my appointment on the 22nd. I just hope I can last that long. I am really surprised my back has been out for so long. It has been three weeks now. And I was seeing some improvement until this weekend when I woke up with right hip pain.

The thing about my back pain is that it isn’t radiating down my legs or anything to indicate that it is more than a muscle pull. I know those take time to heal. I have been doing little PT exercises but they have been tough to do with the amount of pain I have been experiencing. In the morning, I can barely turn over to take some meds but once I do, I am fine. I just wish the spasms would stop.

Tomorrow, I have to deal with my father and I am not looking forward to it. But I have to because both my sisters have to work. I just hope that I don’t have to do his fucking laundry or cook him a meal. I just am not up for that. I definitely will be saying to laundry as I can’t be lifting anything with my back being the way it is.

My crazy cousin called me tonight. We chatted about things and about our stresses in life. He says he is doing ok and he sounds ok. I think he wanted to know the scoop about my father more than talk with me. We talked about how our mothers are driving us crazy, though to be fair, his mother is a piece of work. Very needy and attention seeking all the time, and always has to made first. I remember one time I wore a Red Sox hat that had 1937 on it for whatever year the hat design was. She thought I was wearing it to commemorate her birth year. Yeah right. I could care less. I can’t stand that woman and go out of my way to avoid her as much as possible. I don’t need her negativity in my life.

It was and is a really shitty day today so I didn’t go out, again, to get my prescription. Luckily, I am not completely out of it yet. I will be soon, if I don’t get off my ass. I think I will get it tomorrow after I finish with my father. I shouldn’t be there all day. I will just be spending a few hours with him. I will bring my book with me so I can read while he watches TV or lies down or does whatever suits him.

No Rest for the Weary

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

No Rest for the weary

I woke up at 0400 yesterday (30-May) in severe pain. I took some meds and then tried to go back to sleep. I slept for a couple of hours and then my alarm went off. I had an appointment with my pdoc. The appointment went well, we decided to stay the course with the increase in the mood stabilizer and see if the Cymbalta is truly making me sick by not taking it tonight. It really doesn’t matter as I doubt I will continue taking it. My mood has improved over the last two weeks, well at least compared to last week where I was in bed every day. I couldn’t do a damn thing without sleeping all day.

I wanted to take a nap very badly as my sister had tickets to the Red Sox game and I wanted to go. But I never got a nap so was really cranky. The tickets were part of my youngest niece’s school group and I was around kids. BAD, very bad for me because I swear a lot during the game. I had to twitter my curses during the game rather than say them outloud but toward the end of the game, most of the kids went home so I could curse. And it was a hell of a game. Two brawls. Three ejections. And the Rays were “scot free”. I don’t know what the Sox did to piss off every umpire in the MLB but it’s getting obvious there is a conspiracy out there with their calls going against Boston. And the sad part is that for the next two days, we have the same umpiring crew so it will be the same bias.

I did a lot of stair climbing and my foot is now paying the price. My foot pain did not abate during the day. I have been dealing with it like I said before, since 0400. I have been taking my pain medication which brings the pain down a notch but during the end of the game, I wasn’t able to take an additional med for the ride home. And it was a ride. The trolley ride, in which I was standing, killed me as I was putting too much pressure on it to stand upright. My foot is thanking me so much by swelling and not being able to move my toes. I am beyond miserable and I can’t sleep. I have been up for almost 24 hours. I love my niece but she was such a whiny brat tonight. I know part of it was because it was past her bed time but I had no nerves left to deal with it because of my sleep deprivation and pain level. I didn’t let on but I really wanted to say something to her but I didn’t. I had a good time at the game, despite the kids and aggravation. I tried my best to zone out as much as I could. My sister was the cheering squad but she was doing that to keep from being bored. Baseball is not her thing. But she was a trooper staying until the end of the 9th inning, despite a tied score. I had to leave by this time because the pain had become intolerable. I don’t know how many stairs we went down to get to home but it was a lot and my ankle did not appreciate it.

So now I am home, I have my foot elevated. I am medicated. Yet I am not sleepy despite being overtired. I don’t have anything that I have to do today. I had wanted to get my haircut, go to the post office, and pick up my prescriptions but that is way too many spoons (energy) at this point. I don’t think I am going to do much other than veg out. If I am lucky, I will sleep past 0600. I am tempted to take an Ativan to sleep but having decided to take a stronger pain medication tonight, I don’t want to risk further side effects.

Despite being in severe pain, I am not suicidal like I thought I would be. This is the fourth or fifth day in a row that I have been dealing with my foot pain, the same kind of pain every single day. I just haven’t been able to get a break from it. I am hoping that taking the stronger pain medicine breaks the cycle and I get some relief but there is no guarantee that will happen. Right now, all I want is some pain free sleep. But it doesn’t look like I will be getting it. I still am waiting for my meds to kick in, and it has been over an hour since I took them.

It is strange not being suicidal when I am in so much pain. You would think that I would be, that I would want that escape. I guess part of it is that I am not feeling hopeless about it. And I am not severely depressed like I was. Pain changes the way you cope with things. Right now I am feeling the pain but also trying to block it out of mind. I guess when I can no longer do that, maybe then I become suicidal? I guess we will find out soon enough.

baseball and still being depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Interesting day in Baseball world…Manny Ramirez (former Red Sox) is a player/coach to AAA team for the Cubs organization. Josh Beckett (former Red Sox) pitched his first no hitter of the season. And the Sox lose their 10th game in a row, the worst since 1994. I am totally at a loss. There was a brawl in the game today, in the pounding by the Rays. I cannot stand their manager Joe Maddon. He just irks me in the worst way. The reason for the brawl was that there was stolen base that occurred after the Rays scored 5 runs. It was totally not necessary to steal the base but the jerk Escobar thought it was good and then taunted the Red Sox dug out. It was really stupid. Three players got ejected from the game, though I am uncertain why a third player got ejected when only two, that I saw, instigated the brawl. But oh well.

I had a somewhat productive day. I have been up since six. I started doing some reading and I think I am going to write out my highlighted sections of the book that I am reading. It will give me something to do and maybe understand this book better.

Weird that my mother called me and asked if I was still sick. I have no idea what she was talking about. If she meant sick as in depression, I denied it and said I was fine. If she meant sick as in sick, well, I don’t know what gave her that impression. The only person that I have been telling my troubles to is an online friend and I doubt she would have my mother’s number or the inclination to call my mother. It’s just weird.

I still have little appetite. Seems I can only eat one meal a day and anything more than that I get really bloated and sick, even if the meals are hours apart. Last night I had some pizza and it really gutted me. I felt so sick after eating it. Guess my system can’t handle food right now. I am fine with that if it means weight loss!

I got really cold today despite the temperature being in the 60’s. I never get cold unless I am sick, but then I have been feeling run down with the depression. I still have socks on my feet and a long sleeved t-shirt on. I still have not warmed up despite being in my comfort zone (aka my room). I went there to take a nap but my damn foot started up. First it was my right foot with zaps. Then my left ankle decided to act up and hurt really bad. I had to take pain medication because I didn’t want it to get worse. I am very tired and want a damn nap but it’s almost 7 pm (19:00). If I fall asleep now, chances are I will wake up in a couple of hours and then be up all night.

Because it is a holiday weekend in the US (Memorial day), I don’t think I will get paid on Tuesday like I thought I would. It might be Wednesday. Either way I am excited that it will be my first payment for my book sales. I just have to remember to save some money for taxes because they don’t take them out. Doing my taxes next year is going to be interesting.

World Series Champions…AGAIN!!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging

I am still not sure I can believe it. My beloved Red Sox have won the World Series…Sadly I did not watch all of the game as I was out with friends tonight. I had to recluse myself from social media (Twitter, mostly) and text messaging by turning off my phone. I didn’t turn it back on until I got home and made sure the game was recording first. If it didn’t I would have been beyond pissed.

This has been the third World Series win of my team since the dreaded 1918 curse. Today we kicked 1918 by the wayside again by winning the Series at home. To say that everyone in Boston is in BOSTON would be an understatement! The public transportation around Fenway Park have been closed due to heavy crowds. The place is not going to sleep anytime soon!

I did watch the game, from the beginning. I saw that Pedroia missed a home run in the first inning. Then I saw the lowly Drew step up to the plate and blast a homerun into the bullpen! He has struggled all postseason at the plate. He has some GREAT defensive plays and that is why he is in the lineup despite his offensive struggles. I then saw my buddy Jacoby Ellsbury miss a homerun by a foot. I am really going to miss him on this team. I don’t think he will be back in a Red Sox uniform next year and that will be too bad. I love his speed and his Centerfield glove. I will try and follow him where ever he goes but usually once someone leaves Red Sox Nation, I don’t keep track of them. Once the six runs were scored, I heard fireworks go off and knew that the game was over and a victory was secured. I cried tears of joy but not until I saw the last out by KOJI!! I think he should have shared the MVP with Ortiz.

I live near Boston, about 5 miles away. I wouldn’t be near the city even if you paid me. The crowds are unreal and I hope everyone stays safe. THREE WORLD SERIES CHAMPION RINGS IN 10 YEARS. There is nothing more I need to say.