Tag: cauda equina syndrome

random 432

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, writing

Seeing as I am up and will soon take a nap, I thought I would write a little bit. My day has been productive. I went to my niece’s school to drop off her violin and then went shopping for my powerade. I underestimated how heavy the load will be. I know I am going to be sore tomorrow. And I just realized, I never wrote a blog for yesterday. Guess I will have to write one later, if I feel up to it.

I had therapy yesterday morning. I was really sleepy for most of the day. I actually slept most of the afternoon as I wasn’t feeling well. Bozo was in rare form yesterday. She still wanted me to write an affirmation blog about myself. She should know by now that I never write about myself, least not in a positive way. I just am not comfortable with it. I had an anxiety attack while talking with her about it. I don’t know why I got nervous talking to her. She then said that it was because of “conflict” that I was having the anxiety. I don’t know what that means. We talked about how I felt like I was letting her down by not doing this assignment. I nearly almost always, do what ever her little brain thinks of. But I have a problem with this assignment because I don’t think I am a valued member of society anymore. I feel rotten. All I feel is down and depressed. Nothing really helps my mood. I thought the antidepressant was working but I think it stopped. I don’t even know if it is doing anything but keep the weight on me.

It is cold in my room and it is going to get colder. I still haven’t removed the AC in my room. It is probably still wet from all the rain yesterday so I really don’t want to bring it in until it dries. I hate feeling cold, even though I love it better than heat. I rather be cold than hot, but not freezing cold! I have to put on slipper socks because my feet are getting really cold and my ankle is already whining.

I watched the CMA awards today. I didn’t turn into a Miranda Lambert night as I thought it was going to be. Kasey Musgraves won and the entertainer of the year award was presented by Garth Brooks, won by Luke Bryan and I cried tears of joy, literally. I was so happy for him. And it was great seeing Garth again. I miss seeing him on stage. I hope he will come back to Boston soon. I would surely love to see his concert. I also love the fact that people actually counted how many dresses Carrie Underwood wore during the show. It is too funny. I am like who cares or she changed again, big deal!

I should have made coffee today. I am so tired that I can go to sleep. I don’t know why I have been so tired lately. Last night, I was all achy and felt like I was catching a cold or something. Today, I am just sleepy. Probably from hauling all that powerade home. But I am set for the week and I was glad it was on sale for less than a dollar. I got more for my money, though I really wanted to buy some oatmeal so I could make oatmeal pancakes. I used the last of it and my mother nor I have not replaced it. She did buy the individual packets of oatmeal but they are flavored so I can’t really cook with them. So frustrating because I love the pancakes. It is such and easy recipe, much like the one my mother makes. Actually if you take out the oatmeal and add another ½ cup of flour, you will have the original pancake recipe. But looks like my mother is making pasta with sauce tonight. Maybe I can get her to make pancakes tomorrow morning.

I sent my therapist my last blog post and she didn’t read it. I was going to ask her if she did, but I knew from our conversation that she didn’t. I don’t know why that bothers me but it does. I know she probably didn’t check her messages before we spoke, which is most likely the case. I wanted her to know how bad I was doing and my explanation of why I couldn’t do her assignment. I am not doing it out of deviance. I really think that I have no positive qualities worth writing about other than being smart. But being smart only gets you so far.

I have not been to Starbucks in almost three weeks now. I really need to get back to my routine of leaving the house and getting coffee every day. I knew buying coffee for home was going to make me more of a hermit than I was expecting. Some days I don’t even make coffee. I don’t really “need” it but it is nice to have at home. As long as I have cream, I am all set. I will try and go out tomorrow. I miss the atmosphere and the smell of coffee being grounded. Nothing beats that smell. My coffee still smells like being freshly grounded. It’s so hard going out because I no longer have a coffee that I like at Starbucks and my latte drinks are really expensive now that I can’t really stand paying nearly 5 bucks for one. But I know they are expensive because milk isn’t cheap anymore.

Idiot PT guy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Idiot PT guy

I went to physical therapy (PT) today. Guy did some strengthening exercises and they hurt like hell. I am icing my ankle as we speak to try and bring down the swelling and pain. We were talking after the torture and he thinks that he can strengthen my ankle. I just nodded in agreement knowing full well he was wasting his time. If I haven’t regained strength in my ankle after 13 years, I don’t think it’s going to come back. I did a whole lot of PT over the years and I just don’t see how this is going to help me. My foot becomes fatigued which leads to the weakness getting worse. I don’t know what he is feeling but even after all the exercises he did today, I was feeling fatigue and I could tell I couldn’t hold my foot up for very long. He kept telling me to lift my foot so I had to use other muscles to lift it. How is that helping?? I really think that he just doesn’t get what I am telling him. I am not hopeful that my strength is going to come back. We can continue to do the exercises but it’s only going to hurt me in the end.

I also had talk therapy today. I don’t know why I asked for another session tomorrow. I must be out of my head. She totally annoyed me today and I bet anything she is going to annoy me tomorrow. She gave me “homework”, which is to write a blog about how I value myself or something to that effect. She is wasting her time on me if she thinks that I am going to write some bullshit thing about me. I don’t know what she hopes I will gain from this exercise. I have no purpose or worth in my life. I am just a sack of chemicals. And I hurt physically more than I ever have in my life. I have no reason for living. Yet I still continue this existence. Why I don’t know. I am a coward. I would kill myself but I don’t have the energy to do it or plan it. I am just stuck and it sucks.

We talked about my book for a little while. I was telling her a high school friend of mine just bought a copy of it and thought my style was “nice”. I didn’t even know I had a style of writing. I also told her that my second book is troublesome. I don’t know what to write and I am such a condensed writer that for me to expand on something is painful. Just like the band that is around my foot right now. The PT suggested that I wear compression stockings and today I found the pair and am wearing it. It is hurting me so they are not going to last much longer. I am supposed to wear this knee to toe stocking to help decrease the swelling in my leg and ankle. I don’t know how this is supposed to help if the damn thing hurts me. Just doesn’t make any sense.

I have been trying to write about my experience over the past year that lead to my decrease in being suicidal. There are days I don’t think about it like I used to and then there are times I think about it all the time, but only for short periods of time. Not days on end like I used to think. And it is all because I became accountable to a person. She basically guilt tripped me into living. But now I have nothing to live for. My work is done. And I am supposed to write a book about it when I have no motivation. I am such a loser. I don’t know why I feel this way but I do. I guess the depression is overwhelming me and I can’t see nothing but gray skies. I feel so utterly useless.

Today as I was listening to Pearl Jam, I thought of writing a blog called “Don’t call me daughter”. Unfortunately, I didn’t have any writing pads with me so the thoughts kind of left me. They are there but I think I will have to listen to the song to write it out. I am too tired now to listen to music just to write. I just want to listen to my old country music on Pandora and relax. Going to PT really wore me out. And I hope that I don’t have mega pain tonight because of it.

I felt like this blog was too short so decided to add to it. I am feeling perplexed because I want to “please” my therapist but what she is asking of me is total bullshit and I don’t write bullshit. I have no value as a human being. I deserve to die. But things seem to keep me here. I have no responsibilities anymore, other than financial. But I am broke most of the time so who cares that I can’t pay a bill. I have 0.89 cents in my checking account right now. I am rich! NOT. And this is stressing me out. I hate November because there are a shit load of birthdays. My sisters, my godparents, my cousins. You name the person and they probably were born in November. I don’t even have money to buy these people a card let alone a gift. Every year is the same. I get gifts from these people on my birthday but I never give in return because I don’t have the money. It is a huge stressor on me.

Tonight, I was going through my blogs and found the post “when jupiter aligns with the crescent moon”. That was one of my psychotic phases. For weeks the voices were out of control and telling me what to do and kept repeating this phrase 24/7. It was driving me nuts. I don’t know if I eventually went in the hospital or not but I have never been that psychotic before. It got me thinking about how I am taking my abilify every other day because of side effects. I hope I don’t become delusional again. I don’t feel it coming on but the depression is driving me crazy. I am more irritable. My sister just told me my nephew wants to take his mother out for her birthday. I really don’t want to go. It’s like I want to stay trapped in my room all the time now. I haven’t left the house except for doctor’s appointments or PT. I don’t remember the last time I went to Starbucks. I think it was last week or the week before when I bought coffee. I hate being irritable and quick to anger.

Another thing the stupid PT guy said was that it has been a long while since I had foot drop. Well, damn, tell me something I don’t know. I still have scar tissue on my nerve root. He says that goes away in time. Really? Why does it still show up on my MRI? AFTER 8 years??? I also have bone spurs in my back. That is fun. Luckily they don’t cause me any discomfort. I really think that if I had another back issue right now, I will kill myself. There is no way I will be able to handle the pain.

Ankle Chronicles 8

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

Ankle Chronicles 8

I was in mega pain last night and still am today. My ankle is swollen and despite being off it most of the day, it has not gone down. I wish I could say that it was because I walked too much or stood too much, but that isn’t the case. It just hurts and I don’t know why.

I really, really, wanted to vote today but never got the chance. I woke up in the early morning and felt like shit the rest of the day. So I laid low and slept. I still am tired and feel like I could just doze right off. I just had dinner, nothing fancy, just scrambled eggs and toast with juice. I didn’t have lunch, unless you counted the handful of chips I had washed down with coffee. Not even the coffee woke me up enough to let me shower. And I really want to take a shower but I guess it will have to wait till tomorrow. I have physical therapy tomorrow afternoon. It should be fun when I tell him that I didn’t do the exercises because they just became more painful as I did them. I tried, I really did but I just couldn’t handle the pain.

I don’t know why I am so sleepy today, other than not really sleeping last night. I feel hung over, like took too many drugs or something but I didn’t. I didn’t even have any gabapentin. That usually gives me a big hangover. But I didn’t take any. I guess I am just dehydrated. Other than coffee and juice that I drank, I didn’t drink any other fluids today other than a few sips of water to wash down some pills. If I am not thirsty, I just don’t drink. I know I should drink more but I just don’t think about it. Especially when I feel like crap.

I feel bad that I didn’t vote today. I had every intention to but it just didn’t work out. Oh well, there is always next year. I really don’t care that much about politics anyway.

My foot is throbbing big time. I suppose I should take something for it. That will make me really sleepy. I had to take a strong pain pill last night to get relief. Now my bowels have stopped working. I am going to have to take something to get them going again. I hate that and with me not being hydrated, that is no fun. But I can’t hydrate myself now or I will be peeing all night and that will not be fun either.

Needless to say, I didn’t work on my writing today. I really wanted to go to Starbucks and write but I was too sleepy after my therapy session. I woke up just in time for it too. Luckily she doesn’t call exactly when she is supposed to so I had a few minutes to get myself together. She read my blog that I sent her about how I had to leave the SPSM chat the other night. I hardly remember what I wrote, I never do. Once the thoughts are out of my head, I usually don’t remember them. But she reminded me and we talked a little about it. Mostly we talked about my ankle pain and how it is driving me berserk. I don’t get any respite from it anymore. Every day I am in some level of pain. And it sucks. I still don’t think she gets it. I honestly don’t think she understands just how much my pain is controlling my life and that there is no more having a life. My life now just revolves around taking pain meds around the clock and sleeping them off at times. I don’t even think she gets the bowel issues that I get from my nerve injury. She says she does but I don’t really think she does. And I know she doesn’t get the level of shame it brings me every time I lose my bowel control. It just sucks and it got me wicked depressed. I don’t think any medication can help me this time. My mood was doing fine until my bowel accidents. Now it’s headed south and I think it is going to stay there for some time. I just hope I don’t become suicidal again. I really don’t want to be in the hospital again this year. I spent 3.5 weeks there in August and I don’t want to go back. They wouldn’t understand my disability anyways. All they cared about was if I was going to kill myself that day and if I wasn’t then so be it. Who cared about anything else going on in my life that was making me suicidal. But that is a subject for another blog post. I really don’t want to write about how crummy that hospitalization was.

Hate Feeling Like an Invalid

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hate feeling like an invalid

My mother needed something that required me to meet her half way down the street. I may walked not even two houses down when my ankle exploded in pain. I just had my flimsy slippers on, nothing supportive to say the least, and I paid the price. I fucking hate this. So much for wanting to go out today and work on my book. So much for wanting to move stuff around my room so that my brother in law can get my AC out of the window. I am stuck in bed with my leg up. This fucking sucks so bad. I hate when this happens. It feels like someone is stabbing me repeatedly, trying to take my malleolus bone out. It hurts very bad and now the pain has moved into my toes. I might have to put an NSAID gel on it to help decrease the pain a few notches.

I started writing in my book and then I got stumped on a word. The flow stopped. I couldn’t think of the name of the word I wanted to use for the life of me. I knew it began with an “A” but that was all my brain could produce. I had to search through emails to jog my brain of the word I wanted to use. After that, my thoughts left me. I wrote small paragraph and couldn’t go on. I planned on writing later but now that is not going to happen because I will be drugged up from my pain meds. I am so upset that this pain has ruined my life.

I am really hoping my therapist calls me today. But she hasn’t responded to any of my texts so I am not sure she will. We will be talking tomorrow so I hope I can hold on until then. I still am upset that I won’t be seeing my psychiatrist for a long time. She is out with a broken hip. I thought I might hear back from her today with the emails I sent her but I haven’t.

I feel so fucking useless. You would think that because I spend most of my time at home, I would get more writing done than I do but between the meds and the pain, I just can’t think sometimes. Most of my thoughts become clouded once I start taking my pain meds or my muscle relaxants. Even writing this blog is difficult and I am trying really hard to stay focused.

In case you are reading my blog for the first time, I have an ankle injury that was originally caused by cauda equina syndrome. I was left with foot drop because my nerves were compressed when a disc exploded in my back. Since then, I have sprained my ankle and stretched my tendons causing serious tendonitis going on. I don’t walk normally, but I compensate by using other muscles and such. I don’t walk with a limp because of this compensation. I have restarted physical therapy for the umpteenth time over the last 13 years since getting cauda equina. It has been a long road. The pain has made me disabled as I can’t walk too far and I can’t stand too long. It fucking sucks because my two feet are my made mode of transportation as I don’t own a car anymore. Which reminds me that I forgot to call the junk yard today. I have been meaning to call for months now and I have yet to do it. I keep saying tomorrow but that has been way too many tomorrows since August. I will try and call tomorrow. It’s the best that I can do. I keep telling myself that the incentive is getting at least $200 cash but that still doesn’t motivate me to call. I am such a loser.