Tag: cauda equina syndrome

a little of this and a whole lot of that

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I went to Starbucks. I don’t know what exactly I was doing but I left my house around 1130 and the next thing I knew it was almost one. I was busy editing and playing on my phone. I am getting closer to my goal of editing the first 100 pages of my book but I am still like 15 pages short. I am sure I will get it done by the end of the month. I so want this book to be edited and published. It just is the longest process I have encountered. But then this is my first book so I guess there will be some hiccups.

I am in a little better mood today than I was yesterday. I listened to Jason Aldean’s song Relentless and it made me feel like OMG that is my therapist!! I have to play the song for her on Tuesday. That might be our new theme song.

I got a little drunk last night. I had a few shots of whiskey and started texting her some stuff like we shouldn’t be together anymore, that I am a hopeless case, etc. I then had to have her text back saying she was alright because I felt bad with making her cry the night before. She said she was ok. She was probably laughing at my texts. I did emphasize that she should see a consult for herself. Maybe they can help her anxiety issues. I am still waiting for my insightfulness to kick in but it hasn’t yet. I wonder if I lost it because I haven’t used it in a long time.

I edited part of a chapter today that was about dealing with suicide attempts. I don’t know if it is going to stay in or not. It is a blog post that I just threw in there. I have noticed I have done that a lot. Some of the content is good but other stuff is just not pertinent to the book itself. But I might leave it in. I don’t know. It really makes a good read. I just have to work on the title of the chapter a little bit. If you want to read it, here it is.

I don’t think I can be apart of my support group anymore. Some of the newer people make me want to rip my hair out of my head. I don’t say anything to them because I don’t think telling them off is right. But seriously think they should get a fucking clue. This isn’t going to go away. You are never going to recover completely. There is ALWAYS going to be residual damage and you might not feel it today but you will feel it tomorrow. But I hold back my fingers typing a response to the person because I don’t want to hurt their already fragile feelings. That is what delete is for. Though it still pisses me off that I have had this condition for over twelve years now and I still have to deal with it. So if I have to, so do you! There! Well, not the majority of my readers because they do not have CES and if this offends you I am sorry. I am just spelling out the truth.

I don’t know why I still hang around. The group has been quiet lately. But you get the one person that ticks you off because they think this is a cancer or something and they can beat it if only they try hard enough. It’s just sad. The condition is humiliating enough and people need support for it. I try to be supportive but I have become jaded. People think that I am a wonderful person and a great contributor. I guess it is my honesty that gets people to think this way. All the while I just think I am being a smartass asshole.

Shouldn’t have gone out today

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, chronic physical pain, suicide attempt

Shouldn’t have gone out today

Today is a CES day that I should have listened to my body instead I gave into my coffee needs. What does a CES day entail, well, when it involves the bowels, you stay home so you don’t shit yourself. And today was one of those days. I thought after going twice already I would be ok. Wouldn’t you know that the third time was the trick?? I was not even a block from my house when my bowels erupted. I was hoping to make it and I failed. I feel humiliated and disgusted with myself. It’s not every day that this happens. And it was more than just sharting (farting and shitting at the same time). I didn’t even fart, which to me was the worse of it. Then I could say that it was more than a fart but not this time. I soiled myself and I felt degraded like I do every time this happens. I was having a good day and now I just want to die from the humiliation I feel. Worse part is that I can’t even share this with anyone but myself and therapist and maybe my support group.

As I was in the bathroom, I decided I needed a shower. I had to. So I asked my mother to bring me a towel. She saw that I didn’t have underwear and figured I had messed myself as I was crapping my bowels out. She didn’t say anything. I don’t know if I was relieved or angry. But at least I didn’t have to explain myself. I think that horror would have really brought out the cutting urges. I stood longer in the shower than I probably should but didn’t care. I know my ankle is going to thank me later for this indiscretion.

I am listening to David Nail because that is what kind of mood I am in. He sings sad songs and it resonates with me. I need that kind of soothing that his voice brings. I think he is the only male artist that touches me this way.

I’m waiting to hear back from my therapist. Hope she calls soon.

nerve pain sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, suicide

I woke up this morning and it felt like my little toe on my nerve damaged foot was cutting into my other toe next to it. It was really hurting but I just cut the nail so I knew it couldn’t be the cause. I was feeling kind of crummy and decided to shave my goatie off as it was annoying me and then take a shower. Whatever was causing my toe to hurt, was worse when my foot hit the water. As much as the shower felt good to the rest of my body, my toe hates me now. I asked my mother to look at the toe as I can’t bend down to see it nor have the agility to look at the stupid thing thanks to four back surgeries. She said that it looks like I have a blister forming or a corn. Great. Now I just have to wait and see what forms and what kind of pain I will be in over the next couple of days.

I hate having nerve damage. My toes are extremely sensitive because of the after effects due to Cauda Equina Syndrome. I got this syndrome more than ten years ago and I am still dealing with it. I hate waking up in pain or staying up in pain almost every single night. The doctors have nothing to do for me. I just take pain meds and hope for the best.

I really am tired of dealing with the nerve pain. Everything intensifies when I try to touch my toes. Cutting my toenails are the worse. I have to wait till the nerve pain is down to a minimum in order to get a hold of my foot to do the deed.

This leaves me very depressed. I miss my old self where I could do the things normal people take for granted. Like taking a long hot shower, taking a long walk, or just standing for more than ten minutes. I have since my original diagnosis have another painful diagnosis of CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. This is fun (said with severe sarcasm). My toes and foot become as cold as ice and then when they warm up, I am in such severe pain all I can do is think about death.
Not only is physical pain exhausting it drags you down mentally. You feel like you are a loser because you can no longer do the things you once were able to do.

I hope my pain is not going to be exhausting tonight. I am hoping to catch a nap now as I am overcome with exhaustion just from taking a shower. I hate when that happens.

ramble 56

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Tonight will be the first week without baseball. I already miss it. I know it will be back in 90 days or so. But how can you go from watching 170 or so games to none? The experience is depressing.

I tried my hand at editing again today. It made me depressed reading my life and what I wrote. So I deleted a lot. I know it was probably wrong but oh well. And then I came to a part that made no sense what so ever. It was like some blogs got smooched together or something and that is probably what happened. So more editing is in my future. But I am glad I got some of it done today. I am thinking of adding the blog I wrote the other day, hodgepodge of blogs, to the book. It has helped so many people in my blog and the AAS so I feel that it is necessary to get the word out. Think I will put it in where I emptied all the other junk.

I keep having dreams that my book is going to be super successful and then I have moments, like now, that feel that it is going to be a flop. I might be ok for the first few months but I don’t think it will after that. Oh author’s doubt is high today.

My suicidality is a little lower today. I am still angry at my therapist and appreciate the feedback I got back on it. Maybe on of these days I will stay on the national hotline long enough to see if they will help me. Samaritans doesn’t seem to keep you on the phone that long. Course the last time I called was years ago, though I have called the National Hotline (800-255-TALK) a couple of times. The hard part is waiting on the line when you want someone to pick up. I guess they are routing your call to the nearest call center or something but it still sucks. I found that texting is better. There is a text number 20121 and you just text 121help. I find that better than talking to someone sometimes. Most of the times I just talk to my blogger friend or another friend or blog. Blogging has been the most helpful to me because I get to express what ever I want to say without being judged by anyone. I might not get any likes or comments or both but least my thoughts are out there. Sometimes it helps someone because they are going through the same thing. There are days I don’t get a response to something but then I do and it validates what I feel. And I think that is the important thing.

My pain levels are scattered today. I woke up with my left calf muscle feeling tight. No matter how many times I tried to stretch it today it just won’t get lose. I should try a hot pack on it or something. I plan on kneading it later. Sometimes it is tight because I have little knots in it.