Tag: CES

interview meeting with 1st yrs

by Midnight Demon, posted in CES, depression, psychache, suicide, transgender

Started reading a book about sibling suicide survivor. I was apprehensive about reading it because I have siblings that would probably go through the same things if I should die and I didn’t want to know what they would go through. My pain is bad enough but knowing I would cause my sisters pain would be impossible for me to take. I guess that is one of the many reasons I am still here.

I had an interview meeting with some med students today and I don’t know why but I told them I was transgendered and told them what it was like being. The doctor was good about it and I had Dr. P behind me in case I got into trouble. Right now I am feeling like the biggest asshole on the planet because I shared my biggest fear and the main reason why I feel suicidal. I sent a text to my therapist because I just feel so awful and I don’t know what to do about it. She hasn’t called me back yet so I decided to blog.

A lot of feelings came up but it also felt like a relief because I rarely discuss this outside the confines of my relationship with dr. p and bozo. I started to get a little lightheaded and dizzy at the release of my personal feelings about this. I don’t know how it happened but I think I am getting more and more comfortable talking about being transgendered and what it is like to be this way. I hope that the students will benefit from this. I tried to emphasize the alliance between doctors that helps so much in the heath care process because without it, you are not really going to have a good relationship or report with your patients.

I’m still trying to process what happened and how I feel about it but I am soooo fatigued. I just can’t think about today without it exhausting me. I don’t know if what I said was a good thing or a bad thing. I was trying to be honest about what my experiences were and how I got CES x 2 and everything but somehow the transgendered thing took over the conversation. I know it is because it is such a hot topic. More transgendered tend to be more suicidal and probably end up killing themselves more than we think.  I know those that get help become free but I also wonder if it still a constant struggle to be accepted as the gender we say we are once we make the transition. My therapist used the assimilation word on me last week and I am wondering if that is ever going to be possible for me or will I die before that happens. I’d like to think that I can lead this life without going through the “change” but I want facial hair and a mastectomy so bad. I loathe myself for having a chest. It is not what I want. I remember when they were forming I was pissed because it was not who I thought I was. It still is a painful reminder of what I am not.

So “Michael” entered the room to give his little speech about what it was like to be transgender. I didn’t want to use my real name because I hate it so much. I think with Michael I can really relate because I always thought of myself as a “Mike”, more so than Alex. Hell for this blog I am Michael Crusher and I don’t think that is going to change. I think Michael will be making more appearances on the blog, as it is easier sometimes to write under his name than my own.

A Positive Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, depression, medical, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

I don’t know what to call these blogs that are just my random thoughts and think ramblings is better than just “random thoughts”. I tend to go off topic, if there is one or when I don’t think there is one so ramblings is more on target than another random.  But if it was just random, I would just call it random, wouldn’t I? But as the title suggests, I am rambling now as I am writing this…

today I get an email from a friend asking me to be part of an editorial board in the organization I am a member of. I am STOKED. This is my first attempt at this blog being a positive note as today was an extremely siked day. Not only did this person ask me to write for this column, soon to be named, but being part of the editorial board on suicide attempters is important to me on so many levels. I struggle on a daily basis with my suicidality, I would have what Maris would call a “suicide career” so to do some thing positive with my negative energy is HUGE. I just hope I don’t let people down with this opportunity. I have never edited any one’s work, just my own but I think I have the knack for grammar and the like. I am not an English major, never was as it is kind of boring, but I have picked up a few things with a creative writing course I took in college. I don’t remember if I finished it or had to withdraw. My college transcripts tend to be filled with more W’s than grades because depression would hit mid-semester and I had to choice which class of the 2 I could pass with a fairly decent grade. I was working full time and going to school part time and it was a struggle for me with my illness. It really killed me when I had to pull the plug in 2008 because my psychosis got so bad and the meds weren’t working plus going into the hospital because I was so delusional was not fun. The meds always made it hard to think so I ended up having to take an incomplete which is now an F because I never went back to school. Some genius I turned out to be.

the second positive thing today was that my psychiatrist asked me to be part of her 1st yr med student course. She has asked me to sit with a group of 1st year medical students and have them ask me questions about my medical condition. I find it fun. The first year I did this I told them about the chronic pain I was having and I think I made an impact on them with my honesty about chronic pain and depression that follows. These are going to be the doctors of tomorrow so it is cool to be a part of this learning process.

Then the nerve condition I had made my day suck! I had a little incontinence of the bowels that made all these positives go away in a heart beat. I just wanted to die with the indignity of it all. How could so many things go right and then this happen? Because I cannot feel myself go to the bathroom because of nerve damage to my cauda equina nerves, that is why. I have what is known as Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES), post. It really sucks because all the nerves that control bowel function and bladder function are affected. It sucked today because for some reason I had the runs and that is always *fun*.  I am literally afraid to fart for fear of Sharting myself. SO now all I can think about is ways of killing myself but then I re-read the emails from my doc and my friend and it kind of helped because if I do kill myself, I can’t be part of the learning process. I can’t be a part of the editorial board for this organization that means so much to me. And I would have let my friends down with my death and I am sure as hell sure that my friend in SA would be lost without me and take his life because I am not around to stop him. I really love you my friend and I can’t bear the thought of you ending your life because I ended mine. So maybe today is a new day where I have suicidal feelings but thinking of the positive helps me to see the light at the end of the tunnel despite desperately wanting to throw in the towel.

killer bees, 10-dec-10

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

The past three days I have been thinking about what to write on here.  My topic was going to be about the killer bees and how they always seem to come out when I want to go to sleep.  The bees aren’t real. It is just this buzzing sensation I get because of the nerve damaged caused by a disc fragment in my spinal nerves.  I have been living with this condition, called Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES for short), for the past 9 ½ years. I actually got it twice. The second time was in 2006. I had it easier the second time around because I knew what to look for and how to get the proper care as well as what I knew to expect.  That helps big time as the first go round didn’t go well.  I was only 25 yrs old when I got it. My leg gave way one night, 12 hrs after seeing my chiropractor and got worse in the next 72+ hrs since then.  I had seen a doc the Monday as I could barely put any weight on my left leg and all the doc did was give me pain meds and a pain shot. He didn’t tell me about warning signs or nothing.  A couple days later I was to have an appointment with my psychiatrist, but by then the damage had spread to my right leg and I could feel my toes on either foot. I had foot drop in both, but the worse was my left where most of the damage was. I couldn’t walk at all.  She wanted me to call an ambulance right away but because of the current detours, I couldn’t be 100% sure I would end up at MGH so I decided to wait for my friend to come home and take me.  I was at her house anyway and didn’t have the key to lock up, plus she had 2 dogs so I didn’t want to leave the house open to them or have an incident where they attacked the EMT’s.  I know I added more time to the clock, but I didn’t want to go to some rinky dink hospital and then be forced to go to MGH in worse condition.  All this time, I just thought I needed some good PT and pain meds and I would be good as new. I couldn’t be more wrong.  Soon after I had my MRI (after being in the ER 12+ hrs and being up for 24), the radiology tech’s face was ghastly.  He said that I shouldn’t move.  I wanted to tell him, “buddy, if I could walk, do you really think I would be in this wheelchair???”  3 hrs later I was in the OR. My L4-L5 disc had ruptured. It was the size of an almond compressing my cauda equina nerves.   It took me a week just to wiggle my toes a little bit.  I had to learn how to walk again, which is probably fine if you are a kid. You can fall easily and not worry about doing damage. If I fell, I was afraid I was u going to end up back in the OR.  I had to wear orthotics called AFO’s to keep my feet where they were supposed to be while walking.  I had a long recovery.  In 3 months I was using just a cane to get around. I still have the walker.  I hope it continues to collect dust but you never know.  I was still having back pain all throughout this.  It wasn’t until my doc put me on oxycontin that I really got better.  I am off it now for reasons I won’t go into, but it really saved my life. I doubt I would be able to work 40+ hrs a week now if I hadn’t been on it. It helped me heal and push through the pain so I could get well.

Six months into recovery, the nerve pain started.  My foot and left side of my leg from the outside burned something fierce. This lead to another wonderful med, Neurontin or gabapentin as its generic name is known.  Some people cannot tolerate this med and have had bad side effects. My system loved it and it has worked wonderfully.  With a high dose at night, I was almost pain free most of the day. Now, not so much.  I never thought much about the difference between brand name and generic, but with this med, there is a huge difference.  Once dose is usually all I need (on brand name). Generic I need a slightly higher dose to get me the same relief.  But the one thing it doesn’t change is my sleep.  This nerve pain is not something to mess with.  I have some nights where not even the bed sheets can touch me. Other nights, just before drifting off, the deep pins and stabbing begins, jolting me upright.  It drives me crazy because unless I take the gaba, I will be in pain. The side effect is that it takes me a long time to wake up after dosing. Sometimes I need at least 10-12 hrs of sleep to sleep it off or my brain is just foggy.  With my job, I need to be able to be places early in the morning so I can’t take it every night like I need to. Plus with me taking it with my other meds, it really knocks me out.

I have been having a lot of suicidal thoughts over the past few years. I have written so many wills and good bye letters that I know one day I will just end my life. Most of it is because of this pain I deal with every day and I’m not really talking about the physical pain. Mental pain is with me every day, every second. There is no escaping from it and there is no drug I can take to relieve it. I have a high pain tolerance. I just realized over the past few days that because I take ativan, I don’t seem to get the recurrent thoughts of suicide in my head as much. I think most of it is because of my physical pain caused by CES and the downfalls of having to keep track of things that no other “normal” person would think of, stressing me more than I realize.  How many people do think when the last time they urinated or had a bowel movement. If I don’t keep track it could be a week before I had a BM or significant long hrs since my last void that I am going to have an accident or a leak, well mostly a leak. I only had one accident and it was my fault as I should have gone to the bathroom before going home but I thought I would make it and I didn’t. Now I know that I can’t ignore those signals anymore and it stresses me out.

Working long hours and days does help with the depression. It keeps the thoughts out that lead to planning and contemplating when I will and how I will kill myself. I know that I will someday and have already begun to do so. Maybe this will be my last writing before I die to tell you what really goes through the suicidal mind up until death.

Ankle Chronicles

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Normally we think of ankle biters as little kids that cling to your legs as you go walking around the house. No, the one that I am talking about is something that is more painful than that. It is called nerve pain that keeps you up for hours on end. It is this physical, stabbing, crushing, jolting pain that tears at my ankle and foot each night. Sadly the only cure for it is rest as the reason for it is because of repetitive movement of my ankle. Yes, walking, standing, going upstairs is a torture for me. It started more than a year ago. I think it started with a simple sprain ankle but with cauda equina syndrome, it is anything but simple. I slipped on the ice walking to work on an icy January morning and a month later, I was in excruciating pain that made me think of suicide nearly every day. I don’t remember too much but I shudder every time I think of being in pain that was constant. I was in pain twenty-four hours a day. Boots, braces, and splints didn’t help. The only thing that did was narcotic medication. Without these pills you might as well write my death certificate.
Sometimes ice can help and it is the AHHHH feeling like I didn’t realize it was “hot” and the ice cools it down, making it feel really good. Today I did too much walking and I am hurting really bad as standing is really causing me problems. I have gone up and down the stairs numerous times since coming home at 3 o’clock and probably will have to go down another few more times as I know I will need to empty my bladder. My bedroom is on the top floor while the bathroom is on the second. Kind of makes things difficult when you have a disability. If I had the money I would invest in the chair lifter stair thing you see advertised on TV for old people. I realize I am no longer young even though I am only in my mid thirties. I think being in pain ages you. I know that I didn’t feel old until all this pain started happening and it is a chronic reminder that I am no longer a healthy person.
So this ankle, my left, which we will call Lefty, is the current source of my discomfort more than my aching back at times and is the reason why I stated above that I need pain medications. Every test that has been done from Xrays to MRI’s have been negative for anything physically wrong with it, except for the swelling which no doctor can explain. They know that I have inflammation as what else would cause this swelling/edema. Yet despite taking an anti-inflammatory, a pretty strong one (ketoprofen), the swelling remains and does not go down unless I ice and elevate it. It sucks being cooped up all the time because only when I am off it do I get relief.