I started the day off with a blog about my writing buddy but I wanted to write more about my day.
It has been a crazy day for me. My mood has been all over place. I have been up since early this morning and then had to watch my niece. It took a lot of energy to do this and my ankle is somewhat paying the price for it now.
I really wanted to take a nap but I don’t have any time as the Sox game is about to start.
Last night as I was taking some medication for my foot, I spilled some of my Gatorade on my sheets. It sent me into a tizzy of self-harm urges. I don’t know why that is. I know I was mad at myself for being clumsy. Maybe anger toward myself is the trigger for my self-harm.
I didn’t write anything for my book today. I am too tired, both physically and mentally. The hypergraphia that had yesterday seems to have dissipated.
I emailed the blog I am referenced in to a few friends and my psychiatrist. My psychiatrist is awesome and she wrote back asking me if I wanted to participate in her med student class again. It is basically an interview model where one doctor will ask me questions while the students observe. There are usually 8-10 students in the group. Usually that will bother me but they stay quiet and don’t ask me any type of questions. Now I just have to come up with some ailment to present to the class. I have so many to choose from. I think I will go with CRPS as the last time it wasn’t too clear a diagnosis. I still have trouble with understanding it but it is important for students to realize there are some neurological ailments that are not always textbook. Last year when I had the interview I mostly talked about my transgender issues and surprisingly, I was ok though I was a little shaken up afterwards. I couldn’t believe I told a roomful of strangers my inner most secret. It was tough to process afterwards but it is an important issue to bring up to med students.
I enjoy talking with the doctor. It usually is about forty-five minutes of talking and sometimes there are questions, sometimes there are not. I am usually guided along with my “ailment” of what brings me to the clinic. It usually is difficult in the beginning but then eases on out.
I am glad the mixed state I was feeling earlier today is gone. Now I just want to go to bed but I have to see if Buccholz is going to get his ass kicked or not and keep his 9-0 record, hopefully make it 10-0.
Started reading a book about sibling suicide survivor. I was apprehensive about reading it because I have siblings that would probably go through the same things if I should die and I didn’t want to know what they would go through. My pain is bad enough but knowing I would cause my sisters pain would be impossible for me to take. I guess that is one of the many reasons I am still here.
I had an interview meeting with some med students today and I don’t know why but I told them I was transgendered and told them what it was like being. The doctor was good about it and I had Dr. P behind me in case I got into trouble. Right now I am feeling like the biggest asshole on the planet because I shared my biggest fear and the main reason why I feel suicidal. I sent a text to my therapist because I just feel so awful and I don’t know what to do about it. She hasn’t called me back yet so I decided to blog.
A lot of feelings came up but it also felt like a relief because I rarely discuss this outside the confines of my relationship with dr. p and bozo. I started to get a little lightheaded and dizzy at the release of my personal feelings about this. I don’t know how it happened but I think I am getting more and more comfortable talking about being transgendered and what it is like to be this way. I hope that the students will benefit from this. I tried to emphasize the alliance between doctors that helps so much in the heath care process because without it, you are not really going to have a good relationship or report with your patients.
I’m still trying to process what happened and how I feel about it but I am soooo fatigued. I just can’t think about today without it exhausting me. I don’t know if what I said was a good thing or a bad thing. I was trying to be honest about what my experiences were and how I got CES x 2 and everything but somehow the transgendered thing took over the conversation. I know it is because it is such a hot topic. More transgendered tend to be more suicidal and probably end up killing themselves more than we think. I know those that get help become free but I also wonder if it still a constant struggle to be accepted as the gender we say we are once we make the transition. My therapist used the assimilation word on me last week and I am wondering if that is ever going to be possible for me or will I die before that happens. I’d like to think that I can lead this life without going through the “change” but I want facial hair and a mastectomy so bad. I loathe myself for having a chest. It is not what I want. I remember when they were forming I was pissed because it was not who I thought I was. It still is a painful reminder of what I am not.
So “Michael” entered the room to give his little speech about what it was like to be transgender. I didn’t want to use my real name because I hate it so much. I think with Michael I can really relate because I always thought of myself as a “Mike”, more so than Alex. Hell for this blog I am Michael Crusher and I don’t think that is going to change. I think Michael will be making more appearances on the blog, as it is easier sometimes to write under his name than my own.
I don’t know what to call these blogs that are just my random thoughts and think ramblings is better than just “random thoughts”. I tend to go off topic, if there is one or when I don’t think there is one so ramblings is more on target than another random. But if it was just random, I would just call it random, wouldn’t I? But as the title suggests, I am rambling now as I am writing this…
today I get an email from a friend asking me to be part of an editorial board in the organization I am a member of. I am STOKED. This is my first attempt at this blog being a positive note as today was an extremely siked day. Not only did this person ask me to write for this column, soon to be named, but being part of the editorial board on suicide attempters is important to me on so many levels. I struggle on a daily basis with my suicidality, I would have what Maris would call a “suicide career” so to do some thing positive with my negative energy is HUGE. I just hope I don’t let people down with this opportunity. I have never edited any one’s work, just my own but I think I have the knack for grammar and the like. I am not an English major, never was as it is kind of boring, but I have picked up a few things with a creative writing course I took in college. I don’t remember if I finished it or had to withdraw. My college transcripts tend to be filled with more W’s than grades because depression would hit mid-semester and I had to choice which class of the 2 I could pass with a fairly decent grade. I was working full time and going to school part time and it was a struggle for me with my illness. It really killed me when I had to pull the plug in 2008 because my psychosis got so bad and the meds weren’t working plus going into the hospital because I was so delusional was not fun. The meds always made it hard to think so I ended up having to take an incomplete which is now an F because I never went back to school. Some genius I turned out to be.
the second positive thing today was that my psychiatrist asked me to be part of her 1st yr med student course. She has asked me to sit with a group of 1st year medical students and have them ask me questions about my medical condition. I find it fun. The first year I did this I told them about the chronic pain I was having and I think I made an impact on them with my honesty about chronic pain and depression that follows. These are going to be the doctors of tomorrow so it is cool to be a part of this learning process.
Then the nerve condition I had made my day suck! I had a little incontinence of the bowels that made all these positives go away in a heart beat. I just wanted to die with the indignity of it all. How could so many things go right and then this happen? Because I cannot feel myself go to the bathroom because of nerve damage to my cauda equina nerves, that is why. I have what is known as Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES), post. It really sucks because all the nerves that control bowel function and bladder function are affected. It sucked today because for some reason I had the runs and that is always *fun*. I am literally afraid to fart for fear of Sharting myself. SO now all I can think about is ways of killing myself but then I re-read the emails from my doc and my friend and it kind of helped because if I do kill myself, I can’t be part of the learning process. I can’t be a part of the editorial board for this organization that means so much to me. And I would have let my friends down with my death and I am sure as hell sure that my friend in SA would be lost without me and take his life because I am not around to stop him. I really love you my friend and I can’t bear the thought of you ending your life because I ended mine. So maybe today is a new day where I have suicidal feelings but thinking of the positive helps me to see the light at the end of the tunnel despite desperately wanting to throw in the towel.