Tag: chronic illness

Broken Sleep Sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Broken Sleep Sucks

I woke up at 0300 today and it sucked. I didn’t have to go to the bathroom nor was I in pain. I just woke up. I didn’t even have a bad dream. I took an Ativan because I wanted to get back to sleep. Within a half hour, I did. It really sucks and then I woke up four hours later. I am going to need coffee soon. I got a fricken headache and it’s really bright outside. I hope I don’t get a migraine.

I am feeling really sad. I feel like I need to talk to someone. I thought about paging my psychiatrist but it’s really early and I don’t want to alarm her. Last night I went through my old address book and found the paging number that I didn’t have in my phone. It was driving me crazy because you get a person when you call rather than just punching numbers in with the other number that I have.

Facebook has this memory thing that shows pictures you posted a few years ago. Today it showed my swollen leg when I was in the hospital four years ago. Funny how things have not changed. My leg is still swollen and no one knows why. I have a lump on my leg. I really want to cut it open some times and let the fluid out. I feel this way when I am in a psychotic state. I guess you can say four years ago is when I started taking the abilify daily rather than PRN. And I can’t mess with the dose because I will become psychotic or delusional. If I miss a dose, I am in trouble. It’s so weird because I never was like this when I was younger. Seems that when I get older the worse my psychotic symptoms became. I am just glad I only need abilify to control the symptoms and an occasional trilafon when I have breakthrough psychosis. I really like trilafon. It is my go to when all else fails. They have changed it over the years. It used to be a gray sugar coated pill. Now it’s just a plain white pill. I used to call it candy so I could trick the voices into taking it. It’s a little bit more difficult to trick them now because there is no sugar coating on the pill.

I am feeling really sad. My sister hasn’t called me yet to ask if I am going to see my father. I really don’t want to see him but I feel that I should. It’s just so hard seeing him so frail. And knowing that it’s just going to get worse makes me even sadder. I think he will die in two weeks time but I could be wrong. He does eat breakfast but won’t eat lunch or dinner because he is full. We have tried to get him to drink Ensure but he is used to the bottle and what they have in the nursing home is a juice box type of container. My father is very particular about things. He won’t take something that is different from what he is used to. We might have to bring in a bottle so maybe he will drink it.

I feel so frustrated because there is nothing that I can do to help him. I really hope that the state health insurance kicks in soon or we are screwed. I am also pissed off because the damn social worker never returned my phone calls. In his voicemail message he says that he returns calls “promptly”. Yea right! I have only been waiting two days. How promptly is that? I hope he calls on Monday even though it is a holiday.

Yesterday was the third anniversary of the Boston bombings of the Boston Marathon. Hard to believe it has been three years since it has happened. There were 264 survivors. Most of them have lost a limb or two because of the injuries they had. I will never forget the people that died that day and the officer that died the following day when the pictures of the suspects were posted. The officer died a needless death. It is so sad. He was a cop in my town and every year a local bakery runs a charity event to honor him.

I am still torn about going to the hospital. I kind of want to get evaluated by the ER and see if they think I should be inpatient or not. I have some suicidal tendencies but they come and go. Last night, I had some urges to kill myself. I distracted and ignored them. I tried to think of other things. I think I watched three episodes of Friends. It helped make me laugh. I love Joey and Rachel. The show is really funny. It really helped to calm my urges. Music also helps. I think I just want someone to make the decision for me as I just can’t decide if I want to go in or not. I plan on bringing a bag of clothes with me just in case it doesn’t go in my favor. Like I think I won’t be admitted because I just want to talk. I will have to conceal my suicidality otherwise I am at risk for admission. I hate lying but sometimes you just have to. I won’t go to the hospital where my psych is. I will go to the local hospital where they know me.

I am preparing a bag but I haven’t put stuff in it yet. I have written out the medication that I take. It’s easier to give them the paper than trying to remember doses and names. I always seem to miss one when I try to recall from memory all that I take. I didn’t put Neurontin down because I only take it PRN. They think I take it three times a day but I don’t. I have been on it for years so I know that taking a dose here and there helps me more than taking it every day. I will write the story I plan on telling in another blog. I really have to be careful with what I say. If they decide to admit me, I am kind of screwed. My father could die and I won’t be there. That will just break my heart.

Depression Continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Depression continues

I saw both my therapist and psychiatrist, back to back. Both were a few minutes late. I told my psych about the depression and how hard it’s getting to blog or even take an interest in things. I didn’t tell her my appetite still is poor. It was difficult to talk to her as my thoughts were slow and I would start saying something and then forget what I was saying mid-sentence. She said the sadness was normal. I told her the Zoloft is helping me cope at this point. She wanted to increase it but I told her no. I think it’s starting to make me sick and I don’t want more. If anything I wanted to decrease it but I will stay at my current dose of 50 mg for the time being. I also told her I was also having post nasal drip so that could be contributing to the nausea as well. I haven’t sorted it out yet. I wasn’t nauseous this morning so I am thinking it’s just the post nasal drip that has me sick.

In therapy we talked about going to the hospital. I told her I don’t think I am depressed enough to be admitted because I am not suicidal. My therapist’s fear is that when I have energy back, I will become suicidal. She could tell how tired I was in my voice. She thinks my not eating is reason enough for admission. I told her I would email my psych and see what she thinks. Things were going fine until my sister texted me about my father wanting lozenges. I kind of lost it. Something in me snapped. I don’t get why she couldn’t call the floor if she could call him. I did call but of course you need a bloody doctor’s order for it. I told my sister to get him a bag of Halls for tonight when she sees him. I won’t be seeing him tonight. I am fricken exhausted and my leg is killing me. It’s swollen and my psychiatrist saw that it was swollen. I was scared she was going to send me to the ER but she didn’t. I just really need to stay off it so the swelling has a chance to go down.

My psych emailed me back. She is fine with me being admitted and I can be admitted if I go to the ER. So now I got a choice to make. I will feel guilty. I know this will put added stress on my sisters as I won’t be there, but I do need to get this depression under control. It’s been three and a half months now and no sign that things are going to get better. I think I will be going to the ER where my psych works. It will be difficult because my former coworkers will be running my tox screens and blood tests. Least now the labels don’t have a diagnosis on them anymore. I know they are going to ask “why now, what has changed”? I will just say I feel more hopeless about my future than I did before. Now the question is what the hell do I pack? I have been struggling with this for weeks now. I just don’t know what bag to pack, my suitcase or a backpack.

Sad and Hurting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sad and Hurting

I had a meeting with my father’s treatment team today. He is improving as well as a dying man can be. They think with time, he will be able to come home once his stamina and strength are back. I went to see him in the afternoon as I needed to sign some papers and give a copy of the health care proxy. When I went to his room and he was sleeping so I just let him be. I didn’t want to get him riled up. Walking to the place from Mass Ave was a doozy. It was a steeper hill than I thought it was. I was able to climb up it but it took a lot out of me. Then I stood for the hour for the bus. My ankle and calves are not happy with me. I know I am going to need extra medication tonight for pain. I already took an Ativan to calm the calf muscles down some. I know I am going to be sore tomorrow and I need to go out to see my psychiatrist. I have the rest of the week to rest. I now know a better way to get to the nursing home than the way I went. I am glad the place is T accessible or I would be screwed to get there. I would have to go with my sister every time and that is annoying.

I only had a cold cut sandwich today for breakfast. I am not hungry for anything except a pastrami sub. I have no idea why that is my comfort food right now but it is. And the thing is, I am running low on funds so I might only be able to get one more and that is it. Sucks living off a monthly check.

I had therapy today. We talked about the Zoloft. I think it’s starting to make me sick but I have Zofran to counteract the nausea. I just have to run it by my psych that it’s ok to take it. I think it’s helping me to cope with all this stress. I don’t want to increase it just yet because if it is making me sick, it will just get worse. I might have to lower the dose. The nausea is worse in the morning then gets better so we’ll just have to see how it plays out. Plus I have post nasal drip that is also worse in the morning so it could be a combination of medication and the PND making me sick.

We also talked about my father for most of the session and my mother’s latest spell. I am just sad that both are sick at the same time. But the good news is that being sad is normal and different than my depression. It’s kind of weird being sad when you are depressed. I am very stressed about my father’s illness and his cognitive decline. He was at the conference call with the treatment team but didn’t understand what was going on. That was part of the reason I didn’t want to wake him up because I knew he would want me to sign him out. And I didn’t want to be the bad guy.

My ankle is throbbing so bad right now and I can’t find my compression bandage wrap thing. You always find it when you aren’t looking for it. I know I need to get another one because the one I have is too tight due to the swelling of my ankle. I think I will need an XL. I need to go to Walgreens because trying to find it online is not as easy as it sounds. You only get a million choices and you really don’t know if it’s really what you are looking for. I already took two pain pills for the throbbing. I hope to sleep in a few hours from now. I really hope the throbbing doesn’t get worse or turn into severe pain. I know I did too much standing today and I am going to pay for it. I just hope I can walk tomorrow so I can see my psychiatrist.

My therapist asked about my writing. I told her about the difficulty of writing my blog some days. Like yesterday it took me an awful long time just to write a little more than 300 words. I had a lot to say but I just couldn’t get my brain to crank out the words with my fingers. I actually did better writing in my journal than typing. Maybe I will do that next time and then try and type what I write. She said to bring this up to my psychiatrist as it’s a symptom of the depression. I don’t know when this cognitive stuff is going to leave me. I thought being on an SSRI would help some of the physical symptoms but it hasn’t. I have low appetite, sleep is affected, energy is affected, I feel guilty most of the time for no reason, also feel worthless, and now the cognitive stuff. It just really sucks. I want to be able to be there for my family but I am declining. I am so tired all the time, even with getting at least 8 hours of sleep at night. I am surprised I had the energy to climb up the hill to the nursing home but now I am totally wiped out. I know tomorrow is going to be worse.

Random 909

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Random 909

I had therapy today and I told her the reason why I had to cancel last week was because of my episodes of psychache. We talked about it a little bit and about going to the hospital if I need to. She said that the hospital has always been the place where I recharge my batteries, despite how suicidal I am. I know it’s not a treatment place anymore. I have been burned more than it has helped. But it does give me some respite.

I was supposed to go to visit my father today but my bowels have been acting up so decided it was safer to be home than out. I was right because I took the trash out and had to go soon as I came back in. Guess no pastrami sub for me today. I am really exhausted, not saying I wasn’t before but the whole trips to the bathroom just wore me out.

I brought up a topic I really didn’t want to talk about but had to be discussed because it was bothering me. It had to do with my weight and how I feel about it. I hate myself for many reasons and being obese is one of them. Since my weight loss with the depression, I kind of feel like I don’t deserve to lose weight but I know that it’s better for me to be “lighter”. I just feel like I am losing a part of myself. Sure I can gain it back. But it’s not the same. I don’t want to be more than what I am right now. I know that since eating a little regularly I have gained back some pounds and I am sure eating those pastrami subs over the weekend didn’t help. But that is the thing with my eating, it’s all or nothing. I either eat a little, a lot, or nothing. Now that I don’t have a PCP after my weight issues, I have relaxed and sort of gradually watched what I eat and stuff. But it hasn’t been easy. I am not at my target weight and I don’t think I will get there as my appetite has come back. Not with a vengeance but enough that I don’t starve.

We talked briefly about my father. I just gave her an update about his current condition as she didn’t know that he is hospitalized, again. I also emailed my psych. We were talking about how the depression started before my father got really sick. The depression has been going on for months now and I am not sure it is going to get better. The medication I am on is not helping, least not yet. It’s very difficult dealing with severe depression when a parent is sick.