Tag: chronic pain

rough night of sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, psychosis

I am not feeling good today. I had a rough night of sleep. I really want to get to a Dunkin Donuts for their Roasted Dark coffee and a couple of donuts. But I am too lazy to walk there. Actually, I think that if I did, I would be hurting as my ankle is still tender and sore.

I still am feeling like going to the hospital would be best, if only for a few days. I just am feeling really anxious and stuff. The voices seem to have settled down some but I just can’t stand this depression. It is dragging me down like no tomorrow. I thought today I would be able to work on my editing but I am still overwhelmed with it that I don’t want to try. If I didn’t see the blue screen of death today, I might have tried but I can’t risk losing my files. I have to wait for the new laptop tomorrow before I work on it. I should be home all day tomorrow so there shouldn’t be any problems.

Once my laptop is safely in my possession and I know that there are no problems with it, I will make a decision to go into the hospital. I probably won’t go in till Tuesday. I was hoping for tomorrow but now that doesn’t seem likely as the delivery won’t be till after 2 pm. By the time I get to the hospital it will be kind of late and I might not get where I want to go.

I’m still feeling paranoid, just have the sensation of being watched all the time, and not in a good way.

moment in time

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide

I had an appointment with my father today. It went well though we were waiting a very long time to be seen. I hate it when docs run late. Just want to walk out.

I was able to get an appointment with my therapist today. I have mixed feelings about it. But seeing as last night things kind of got crazy, I think it is for the best. I don’t know where this depression is going. I know I have been writing more about it lately and that is helping me but it also is worrying me that I might end up back in the hospital.

Since I am working with my old laptop, I have decided that I not going to work on my manuscript until the newer laptop is fixed. I don’t have the brain power to work on it anyways. I thought I would be able to do a little bit today but I just can’t. Things are just not making sense to me. And the notes that I wrote up on the previous copy I had, I can’t read my fricken notes. It is in my handwriting, but it’s so scribbled that I can’t read it. MAN, I hate that.

Last night in the morning hours I apparently dissociated when I wrote “Tell Tale Heart”. I am not sure what happened. Last thing I remember is writing the title and everything after that is lost. I think I went to bed afterwards because I remember my mother waking me up because she went downstairs around 0330. I emailed my pdoc about it. Have not heard from her nor do I expect to. She can’t really do anything for me. I talked to my therapist about it because I totally had no recollection of writing this blog. Not even reading it over do I remember it. It is dark and something Mr. Hyde would write, my alter. I am kind of upset by this. I am going to bed early tonight. There is no baseball game that I really want to see as the Sox are off. I am feeling strangely disconnected. Maybe it is because I am tired. I don’t know. I am not in a lot of pain today even though I ran around taking my father to his doctor’s appointment. The coffee I drank did nothing to really wake me up. All noises annoyed me. I just wanted to be back home and in bed. Maybe tomorrow I will just hang out in bed and sleep all day as I have decided to put the manuscript off, for now.

My therapist thinks I am also dissociating with my pain as I am not really feeling it. But I think it is more compartmentalizing than actual dissociation. I don’t lose time like I do when I dissociate. I just put the pain off on the back burners. I have an extremely high pain tolerance so it takes me a while to get in touch with my pain. But if it is being a brat, then I am in trouble and can’t put it in a box so to speak. But me writing that blog…that was pure madness. I was seriously suicidal. It is a good thing I don’t act on it. I had to check my pill counts to make sure I didn’t take more than I thought I did, and I didn’t. I have no new cuts on me or other evidence of self-harm. I just have this blog that got written while I was sleep deprived and no memory of having written it. My therapist liked it. It described accurately how I was feeling at that moment in time. I am just sorry that I worried a friend.

still under black clouds

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, psychache

I slept for about six hours today. I picked up my niece and now I am totally spent. My ankle is really hurting me like I knew it would and it is getting less likely that I will be seeing my therapist in person this week. I really wanted to see her but I don’t think it is possible.

I sent my therapist the last blog post I wrote. She said it was eloquently put. I asked again if I could kill myself and she said no, of course. I asked her if she got how much pain I was in. She said I was going through grief and that it will pass. I don’t think it will this time. I think I have seen the last of my days.

I am cold and exhausted. The temp has dropped to the 40’s and I still have the AC in my window so my room is cold. I have extra clothing on and socks on my feet but then my feet are usually always cold to some degree. What really sucks is that the Sox game isn’t for another two hours or so and I know I am too tired to wait for it. I might go to bed early tonight, like around seven. I just am in a lot of pain and can’t stand to being around me right now.

My therapist asked about why I have been ignoring my pain. She called it dissociative something. Great another diagnosis. I have to ignore it or it just becomes unbearable and I get suicidal. It doesn’t always work but I try not to feel it all the time. It will drive me crazy all the time if I let it.

I’m back using my old laptop. The nice thing is that it keeps me warm as it heats up pretty quick. I got to save all my blogs now on my hard drive or in a folder that I can just copy everything. The box for my baby came today. I guess tomorrow I will call FedEx to come pick it up or will wait till my sister comes home tomorrow if I don’t get up early enough to take it to see my therapist. I really hope nothing is seriously wrong with my laptop because it will just suck. I am just lucky that it is still under warranty so might as well get it fixed. I would hate to keep hearing the high pitch whine and then it totally stop working.

I didn’t write anything for the project that I am working on. It’s kind of a secret project that I hope will pan out. But I don’t know when and if it will definitely will. So I rather just call it a project and not say what it is in case it doesn’t pan out the way I hope it does.

I still feel under black clouds, though the weight on my chest is a little better than it was last night. I was able to walk a little farther today to pick up my niece, even though it hurt to do so. But I got to keep using my feet. Just wish my mood will change.

broken inside

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I know I only posted a few hours ago but I am still feeling the need to write. The heaviness in my chest has not lifted and I am finding it hard to breathe. I just feel this tremendous weight on me and I don’t know why. I feel like my heart is going to pieces and I have no reason for it to be. Maybe I am going crazy? I just know that I hurt and I don’t like this hurt. I think I’d rather be in horrendous physical pain than deal with this heartache. Sadly, I already am in physical pain but I seem to be getting good at tuning it out. It only hurts when I try and move my foot so I try very hard to keep it as still as possible. That has what my life has become. Staying as still as possible. And I just feel broken and lost. My niece today really touched a nerve. She was just being honest. I just feel like I should be working at a “real” job, though my therapist tells me this is my “real” job. I can’t understand how my life went so badly in such a short amount of time. Four months is not even a season. Sure you have the middle of winter and the beginning of spring but neither were full seasons when I lost my jobs. granted I quit one at the end of Jan and then I was forced to leave the other the end of April. so technically it was three months of going from two jobs to none. All because of what? That is what is killing me. The doctors still aren’t sure what is causing my pain. They thought at first it was my back but that was ruled out with MRIs. Then they did MRIs of my leg, ankle, and foot. All negative except for some swelling. I say just cut the swelling out and see how I fair. I can’t go on living like this. I just can’t. I don’t think I will see the light of day again. These black clouds keep circling around me, day in and day out. I got to sleep with emptiness so vast it can fill the Grand Canyon. I am not on an antidepressant. None of them work for me. None provide relief. Yet my therapist thinks that I should be on one. I don’t see why. I will just become sick off them and will have to discontinue them after a month or so. My psychiatrist has nothing left in her arsenal to save me. My therapist is all out of ideas to help me. Yet I continue the course, hoping that there will be a light at the endless tunnel. They (my therapist and psychiatrist) see this light but I never do. It is too far away from me. But what they don’t see is my heart that is torn to pieces. I want to end my existence because the pain is too great. Yet these two tell me I can’t. One will be hurt and the other will hospitalize me. Why can’t they see how much I am pained? Maybe if they saw it, maybe if I describe it better, they will see that the only way to fix it is with my death.