Tag: chronic pain

early morning post

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

It’s almost five o’clock in the morning. I woke up to go to the bathroom and when I returned to my room, my foot didn’t like it. I am in so much pain right now it’s not funny. I don’t know why this happens. I was in pain before bed but nothing like this. It really kills me.

I took the day off yesterday. All I did was sleep. I was watching the baseball game but couldn’t stay awake for it so took a nap. I guess my activities on Saturday really wore me out. I am finding that if I do a lot for one day, the next day I need to recover from. It is typical of those suffering from CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome.

I got tweeted a post about a study on coffee and suicide. Turns out that if you drink more than 2 cups a day, you are at a 50% reduction rate for suicide. Now if only I can bring myself to have two cups of coffee a day, maybe the suicidal thoughts will decrease. The article can be found here.

I just realized that with my therapist on vacation, I have the ENTIRE week to myself. I have NO appointments. I don’t know if that means I will have a long week or not. But it frees me up to go for coffee earlier in the afternoon. Maybe I can work on my lyric book. This book is about songs that have meaning to me. I write down the lyrics and then write a few pages about what the song means to me. So far, all I have done is write down the lyrics. I haven’t done any interpretation of the song. I figure I will do that later. As far as my book is coming along, well it’s not. I haven’t written anything in it in weeks, with the exception of adding a blog story to it. I figure if I write a blog that has some meaning or tells my story, I would tack it on.

I had a weird experience last night. My niece was cuddling with me while we were watching a movie. I know she wasn’t going to molest me, but she kept on using my breast as a pillow and I got uncomfortable. I then almost panicked that she was going to start touching me. But she is eight years old so that is very unlikely. I have a history of sexual abuse from a cousin and it would start out that way. I just go very uncomfortable but tried to work it out. I guess I don’t like cuddling very much because of that incident. It was really difficult and I had to keep reminding myself that she was only eight and was not going to hurt me. I hate when I get sensory flashbacks. They are not fun!

Rambling 45

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I have been trying to collect my thoughts to write this blog while listening to my “mood” playlist and keep getting distracted by the songs.

Last night I wrote my therapist a letter. I think I will write one for each day that she is gone. It is some thing that we do. I can’t explain it but sometimes something good comes from it. I have some deep thoughts or something that I want to talk about. Sometimes it is just a bitch letter because I don’t have someone to talk to about something that is going on. I have notice in my old journals, I would write with the beginning of a letter. Each entry started with her name Dear A. and the later journal entries start with Dear Bozo. I started calling her Bozo to piss her off and maybe she would dump me. Six years later, she still has me so it didn’t work. I still call her Bozo. Her middle name starts with a B anyway so rather than call her that name, I call her Bozo. I am such a prankster. I once got a sticky and placed Bozo on her sign in her office where A should have been. She had no clue for three days!! That was and still is hysterical.

I found a clinical paper last night going through my files so I posted it as a blog. It’s about schizoaffective disorder and I think I wrote it for one of my psych classes.

I had the BEST homemade iced coffee today. I am so JACKED right now on it. I am really feeling hyper from it. My brain neurons are firing left and right. I like it when I feel this way. I am able to get a lot of writing done. I am sure that I will probably crash in an hour but this is kind of fun. I already did my shopping. Now I am just waiting for the mail to come to see if my doc sent out the prescription for my pain meds. I have only a few to get me through the next few days.

I have been up since 0800. I woke up and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I don’t know why. But it gave me enough energy this morning to go food shopping. Tonight I will have PF chang’s general Chang. I love their food. I wish I could have gotten some of their appetizers but I had only so much money. I still have some money left over for my meds that I will need in the middle of the month. I know I am going to be hurting tonight because I had to go up and down the stairs to bring up my groceries. It was only a few bags and a couple gallons of water but still. The trips are going to cause havoc on me later.

I am so happy I made my coffee. I also got my donuts like I wanted. I was so craving a jelly donut. I got a ½ dozen rather than a dozen like I was thinking. I was disappointed they didn’t have powdered donuts.

I know the coffee is making me feel hyper and feel good. I don’t trust it. I know the demons will be back tonight when the sun goes down. And I will be in pain. I wish I could feel like this forever. Then I wouldn’t be thinking of killing myself every night.

crappy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mood disorders

I am having a crappy day. I had to go see my pdoc today. We talked about my week and that I am considering stopping my meds. She said she wasn’t sure how that would help my blood pressure. Little does she know that I stopped taking it a few weeks ago. I am waiting till next month when I see my PCP to see if I need it or not. I don’t think I need it but then it’s not like I am checking my blood pressure regularly either. There are no signs of being hypertensive. I just hate taking the pill. It’s a thick round pill and sometimes I have trouble swallowing it.

Then to make my day that much better my ceiling fan is on the fritz. I turned it on when I got home and it’s making a grinding noise. I don’t know if it is a motor thing or a fan thing. I’ll have my brother in law look at it tonight. Don’t think there will be much he can do without taking it apart, which is going to suck. I took two of the non working lamps off and that seems to help with the noise but didn’t cure it. It is driving me nuts but I need air on this humid day. I would run the AC but it’s too cool for that. Just another annoyance for today. Least I have a smoke detector in my room in case it really goes.

I haven’t showered all week. I meant to take one today before going out but I slept too late and didn’t feel like it. I still don’t. My ankle is bitching at me and I wish I could yell back at it but it won’t do much good. It’s going to hurt anyways. I might take it later tonight when it isn’t so angry at me. For some reason the ceiling fan is causing me to have a “brain freeze” affect in my ankle. I think I will have to shut the fan off soon so I can take a shower. Maybe that will help the mood that I am in.

I hate the new update for my rocket player app. It is the app I mostly use to play my music on my phone. I have an android app but it doesn’t pop up on power up like rocket. The latest app shuffle sucks. I listen to a whole album of the same artist before it “shuffles” to the next artist. It then plays two songs and then plays an album. ANNOYING!! I have switched to the android player for now. It still suck shuffling but not as bad as the rocket app.

I told my pdoc what my therapist did about reading my blogs without my permission. She didn’t offer anything about it. But then there really isn’t much to say. My therapist can read my blog like a million other people. I wish I knew why it bothers me so much. I know I should let it go but I just can’t. My therapist is on vacation this week. I have one full week without her annoyances and nosiness.

My pdoc informed today she is on vacation the middle two weeks in August but she is still available via email if I need her. She also has not had a chance to read the paper I sent her for some input. It is a paper I already posted as a blog but I think needs some final touches to but don’t know about. My friend hasn’t gotten back to me about the suicide and relationship one that I started. I think I wrote a page about it and now have no idea where the ideas went.

I am having my own Taylor Swift concert in my room tonight rather than watch Lackey pitch. From the sounds of Red Sox Nation, it looks like they are not doing too well. I am passionate about my Sox but I love Taylor so don’t mind listening to her. It has been a while since I heard her songs. Other than the ones I have picked for my “mixed” playlist, I really don’t listen to her other songs. Just hope the Rocket app doesn’t mess with playing all the albums one by one. I would like some of the older songs mixed with the new. Wonder if I can tailor it to my satisfaction?

nobody knows

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, mood disorders, suicide, writing

Nobody knows…

Nobody knows how bad I hurt

Nobody knows how late I stay up

Nobody knows the pain that I feel

Nobody knows the hours I sleep and don’t sleep. They think that because it is night time, I sleep but I don’t. I usually have the best sleep between 6 am and 10 am. That is all I need. A four hour nap. Because it is the only thing that makes me feel good for a few hours. It is the only thing that takes my pain away when I am in the deepness of the unconsciousness.

Nobody knows the struggle in my chest.

Nobody knows the pain that I feel

nobody knows how bad I want the struggle to end

nobody knows how bad I just want to end my life