Tag: chronic pain

bitchy blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

peroneous tendon

I feel wicked agitated and angry right now and I don’t know why. Nothing has specifically set me off other than the Sox losing but I don’t have control over that. I just want to start a fight with someone and I tried that with a friend and it didn’t work. She wanted to just hear my voice and I refused to call her or have her call me. I can’t stand it when she gets into one of those moods. Because whatever I say goes in one ear and out the other. I don’t get listened to.

I know I am partly enraged because I am in pain and I don’t have an outlet for it. Plus I still have my stupid fucking menses and the feminine product is irritating me. There is nothing I can do about that but I can’t not wear underwear while bleeding. My sheets will get messed up and so will possibly my mattress. UGH I am so aggravated!!! If I could cut I would. All I could do is just ride out the storm and this storm is big. I can’t even find the right music to calm me down so I am just listening to my mix of country tracks. I finally got Brantley Gilber’s More than miles song. I have been playing it non stop on Youtube the past few days. I love this song. Right now Luke Bryan is playing. I love him too. Not in any way of a sexual sense just voice wise.

I also feel frustrated because no one got back to me on my papers that I sent out today. I know that I shouldn’t expect a quick response for a three page paper but an acknowledgement would have been nice. I sometimes think I send out emails and it just lands in cyber no where land when I don’t get a response. I should probably take an Ativan to calm the hell down but that is going to do nothing for my pain. Pain has moved up to my leg because like a fucking dummy I had to stand on my leg while my foot was asleep. My peroneous tendon didn’t like that one but so the WHOLE fucking tendon is inflamed. I guess I won’t be getting my hair cut tomorrow like I wanted to. I know I won’t be able to walk the distance. Not after a painful night like tonight. I am so fucking angry. Angry that I can’t do anything about my pain, Angry that I can’t stand for more than a few minutes at a time. That I just can’t do what I used to do. And the surprising thing is that I am fucking hungry but I know I can’t make it down the stairs to get something to eat. All I had to eat today was a coffee and a cold cut sandwich. NOTHING else. I just wasn’t hungry today. But now I am and there isn’t anything I can do about it. I have to sleep with one ear open tonight because my mother had a hypoglycemic episode and she tried to keep it from me. I could tell because she was slurring her speech as she was telling me why she was eating cereal. WTF. I hope I don’t have to call an ambulance. I really don’t need to be going up and down the damn stairs to let emergency personnel into my house. But if I have to, I have to. I should go check on her but my leg is still tender. So much for the fucking pain meds working tonight. I should take two and see if that helps. I just been taking one hoping that would be enough. WRONG.

I know my friend is going to ask me about why I was in a nasty mood tonight and why she didn’t call me like she wanted to. I fucking hate when people don’t get that I just don’t want to talk. I gave her a choice. Either don’t call or just text me. That was the only way I was communicating. Take it or leave it so she left it, and I hope she leaves it at that.

I just checked on my mother and she is sprawled out on her bed. Doesn’t appear to be in distress so maybe I can sleep tonight. But I doubt it because I just acted up my leg again. God forbid I should walk. All because of a stupid disc material. I know it is because I have scar tissue on my nerve root. That is the fun part of having Cauda Equina Syndrome, the emergency ends but the pain doesn’t. You still have to live with the repercussions of the after effects of surgery. So frustrating to live like this.

another depressing day, sort of

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, depression

Not having a great day. I had a crappy session with my therapist. We talked about the violations issue and she apologized. She had no idea that her nosiness was hurting me. We talked about having to set boundaries now where I only show her what I want her to read. I just hope that she can stick to them. I am so used to people trampling on me that you would think I am used to it by now. But when it is someone you trust, like a therapist, it kind of throws you out of whack. I still feel down about it and I hope that I get over it. But it’s so hard because I feel so hurt. I cried today for whatever reason, like sobbing hard. I can believe that my therapist would do this, it is just her nature to be nosey. But I told her we have to put a damper on what she reads. I know what I write can be seen by anyone on the internet and she should have the same rights as anyone else. But sometimes I just don’t want her to read what I write. If it something that she needs to read, I always send it to her via text message. Seeing as I no longer see her in person, I think this method has worked pretty well until now. I really think that just her excitement over finding my blog really is what caused her to go over the boundaries without her thinking through about what she was doing. Hell, one time she called me a fucker without thinking about it. We joked about it and she apologized about it. I could tell she felt bad about it. But this time I am not getting that same sense. Maybe I am just too hurt this time to feel her apology. And she knows what my life was like with intrusions left and right. As she put it, it was like she just charged her way into my room without knocking first, which essentially is what she did.

I think I am just down because I have not been able to leave my house since the Bon Jovi concert on Saturday. I did way too much standing and dancing but I had to because there were these two goons in front of me standing for most of the concert so when I sat down, all I saw were their backs. Then I had a marshal standing next to me who stood the whole time with his hand on his hip. It was so annoying. So when I did sit down, I had an elbow in my face. I had a good time. The music was awesome as usual but the sound sucked. I couldn’t make out the words to some songs, especially his new music, which I don’t have yet. I plan on getting it soon.

I have been in bed mostly all weekend and today and still my ankle/foot is acting up. I made it to my sister’s apartment on the first floor to make myself a cup of coffee. My first cup since Saturday. I hope I am able to go out tomorrow. I need to borrow my sister’s car to do some shopping before she goes away for camping. I was invited but I can’t do anything but sit and if I try to do a hike or something I am going to be laid up anyways. It just wouldn’t work for me.

I know I try to write every day so I am sorry for the few days I have not been able to write. I have been hit with the flare up and between sleeping off the pain meds and just being wonky from the meds, I had no inclination to write. Then I got hit with depression and it just killed my writing muse. But hopefully I am back now and won’t miss anymore days. I might make up some with posting twice a day with another paper or two. I have been thinking about it for a while now. I just published the one on therapists who panic when they hear suicide. My muse friend wants me to write one on relationships and suicide but I don’t think it would work. I have always told myself that I wouldn’t kill myself over someone. It just seems silly to me but people feel that they can’t go on unless someone is in their life and I get that. What they don’t know is that they can go on without them. Sure it hurts as hell in the beginning but as the song by Sara Evans says “you get a little but stronger” every day without them.

Today I got an email from a person that runs a Master’s degree in counseling program and she wanted to use my site as a resource for the program’s students. I feel so honored to have her choose my website. I hope that it helps future clinicians.

Today is my second day on my 4th week with the patch and guess what, I got my fucking menses. Though I don’t know how bad it is. I just had some bleeding. I needed this like a hole in the head. Now I know why I have been so down and listless the past few days. I also been getting wicked suicidal urges on and off the past day or so, which the damn menses causes. I don’t know why the bleeding always messes with me but I swear if I ever do attempt to kill myself it will be while bleeding. Just when I thought I could wear my boxers with confidence, this shit happens. I am beyond devastated but I told my doc I would stick it out for three months and at the end of the three months I will try something else. I can’t be having my menses while trying to transition. It just sets me back and makes me wish I was dead.

hospitalizations

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CES, chronic physical pain, depression

Feeling a little bit better today, not as gloomy. I still feel depressed however. I just can’t seem to get away from it. I wish the highs would return. I miss them.

I am the worst grilled cheese maker in the world. I tried, again to make one and burned one side while didn’t cook the other enough so it was soggy with butter. Or maybe I just put too much butter. I don’t know but I suck at making this meal. I even burned my gums because the cheese was hot. OUCH. I don’t think I will be making anymore grilled cheese any time soon. I’ll just have my mother make them! LOL

I am close to making a milestone with my blog. I got another 30 or so views to go before reaching 10K. If I do this before Thursday, I would be happy, least for a little bit. Thursday marks the one year anniversary for my blog. I am kind of excited that I will have 10K. I have been giving updates on my facebook page with the countdown and also with my Midnightdemons facebook page. I even got to reading my own blog because as I have said before, I don’t always remember what I write. Even when naming a blog I have to go through the search to see if I named a blog this already. I have over 300 blogs to far so it is hard to remember sometimes what I write.

Right now, I am working on another paper for Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES). I have noticed that a lot of people find my blog using search terms for CES. I think it would be a great idea if I had a fact sheet or something to tell beginners about this or those that have been newly diagnosed. It can be very terrifying to get this diagnosis and sometimes people just don’t get the care that they need or worse, don’t get diagnosed at all. I won’t go into specifics about the condition but if you are reading this and want to know more, go to http://www.caudaequina.org to learn more about this devastating condition. I have been living with this for twelve years and through my support group, have learned to live with it better.

Today I am supposed to go out with a friend to the movies. He is an eye doctor and works where as I am disabled and don’t work. The last few times he has paid for the movie tickets and I just got the popcorn (which can sometimes be as much as getting the tickets!) But this time I am short on funds. I have just enough just to get my Ativan prescription filled and then that is it for the next week and a half. I will be totally broke. I find it totally humiliating that I am again without cash funds for the third month in a row. I have tried budgeting this time and it didn’t work. When my check comes in, I have bills to pay and food to get. There usually isn’t a lot left over. I might have to cut my Starbucks fund but then I NEED my coffee and need to get out of the house so I can’t really cut my fix. The whole money thing is depressing me. I wish I was still collecting the long term disability but I owe them because I didn’t know you can’t collect SSD and LTD at the same time. So the money I was supposed to get, they are taking until my balance is cut off. Which will be in about twenty months from now, in which time, I probably will be off it. I don’t know what I am going to do then as there is no way I can afford to pay them with my SSD. I guess by then I can start working part time somewhere and have a little extra but I can’t do that now, especially when I am having splits and psychotic symptoms.

I have my meeting with my therapist tomorrow. I am kind of glad I do. I just am having a rough weekend. Thoughts of killing myself are still in the back of my mind and I so want to go through with it. I am just so tired of fighting with myself every day on trying to keep myself from going through with it, tired of putting on a “happy” face so my family doesn’t know I am depressed. Just so tired in general. I know I probably should be in the hospital but they will just kick me out in a few days if not two weeks. It’s really hard to stay past that length of time. The insurance just doesn’t want to pay. I get letters from my insurance (while in the hospital) that “Dr. so and so thinks you should be discharged but if you feel like this is wrong and need further care, talk to your attending doctor for an extension.” I’m like, really?? I am in the hospital and you send these to MY HOME. How am I supposed to refute what you are writing. Though my favorite is when these letters arrive AFTER discharge!! It is comical though not really. Not like I want to really stay in the hospital but I think some time there is beneficial. I don’t have to put up a façade every day like I do when I am home. I can sleep most of the day without it being too disruptive. But I would be lost if I didn’t have my games and my cell phone with me. I guess that is why I fear going in the hospital. I don’t want to lose access to my phone. I would hate not having music because I don’t have a separate MP3 player. It is my phone. I would be so lost without listening to music while in the hospital it wouldn’t be funny. And then trying to have a check in with my therapist would be impossible. I have had that happen to me one hospitalization where I couldn’t get a hold of my therapist and my therapist couldn’t get a hold of me because the floor phone was busy. I hated that. And the only reason they deny you using your phone is because it can take pictures. Like really? I am going to take picture of this place or a fellow inmate? For what? I am not the idiot that has to post 90 thousand pictures on Facebook or twitter or Instagram every single day. I use my phone for its use and for checking email. Sure I will be on twitter and Facebook but it will just be on MY status updates and not someone else’s. I won’t say that John smith is having a bad day and took a nutty and had to be restrained. That is not my place to. Though I did have one hospitalization that a patient actually kicked down the metal door of the unit. That was scary. He was a BIG dude. I was scared of him. He was kept mostly sedated for that reason after that. He was also psychotic. But now that I am thinking about it, so was I. He kept talking on his ipod thingy or maybe it was his phone, I don’t know. But only he was allowed to use it and the rest of us wasn’t. Totally not fair!!

So I guess that is why I am resistant to going in the hospital. I won’t have my cell phone to listen to music and make calls, check emails, and play my games. Seems right to me!

nothing as planned

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Well today didn’t go like I planned. I guess I needed sleep because I slept till almost three in the afternoon. I still haven’t showered yet or changed my bedding but I plan to tomorrow, but think I will take a shower today.

Though I feel kind of like my batteries have been recharged, I am still kind of pissed I didn’t do what I wanted to do today. And I didn’t have my coffee. I can’t have caffeine after 3 pm because I will be up most of the night. It was good when I was working second shift, but not when I am NOT working. Though, maybe I should have seeing as the sox have a late game again tonight.

I had the pains last night and I think I slipped into my other half because after taking my meds and listening to the game, I don’t remember what I did. I know that I went to sleep for about two hours and woke up around 0230. That is the last thing I remember. I think I read some because I have a few things on twitter about suicide, and I was quoting Dr. Shneidman. I don’t know but at least I had a good sleep.