Tag: chronic pain

midnight demon post

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mental disorders, mood disorders, suicide

I have been up since 0900. it is now 0300 as I write this. My foot started really hurting at 0200, just when I was about to really get into some sleep. I took my meds just now as it has been a while and a muscle relaxer to try and see if I can sleep. I am just miserable because I have not been able to get a good night’s sleep in two days now. I hope that when I do fall asleep I really sleep.

I emailed my psychiatrist. My therapist is on vacation and there is no way I can talk to her for a check in so I emailed my pdoc. She is good about my emails. I don’t get any responses usually. So I just write what I feel and ship it off to her. I told her my suicidal thoughts have increased because of the pain, having my menses, and lack of sleep. I am thinking of taking rat poison. It’s a good thing I don’t have any on hand. It will take me some time to get it though as I don’t think mice poison will work as well. I will have to do some calculations to get the dose right and I hate math. I used to be good in math until I met Calculus. I sucked at it until my last term in high school. Now I can’t even do basic algebra. I forgot how to do it. good thing there is Google…

I really was having a good day today. Now it is spoiled by pain. I wish I did something to cause the pain but I didn’t. I was just laying in bed for the past few hours trying to get to sleep and playing on my laptop or checking twitter on my phone. I find that I can do stuff on twitter with my phone better than using the web. The phone has features that you don’t have on the web, which is strange. But then, I don’t design these things.

On a sad note, I found out Eileen Brennan passed away and my rookie shortstop for the Sox has been traded to the Tigers. I am deeply saddened by this. I loved Eileen and Iggy. Tonight Iggy made a base running error that was comical. I wish I could post it here but it’s against WordPress and probably MLB policy rights. If you Youtube Jose Iglesias and base running, I am sure there is a clip of it. Or not. I just checked and it’s not there. 😦

I liked watching Iggy play. I think he is a superb player. He has quick hands and a good bat. I am definitely not looking forward to seeing him in a Tigers uniform.

Eileen Brennan I will always remember her in Private Benjamin. I loved watching her there. I know she has played in other shows since then but her performance in Benjamin was hysterical, to me anyways.

So my demons are out and I have to live with them tonight because I am getting not respite from my relief medication. This totally sucks donkey balls. It’s also freezing in my room because I have the AC on. I am covered with my sheet and comforter. I am too lazy to shut off the ac because I know I will have to turn it back on in a few hours when my room gets hot again. Nothing worse than being woken up because you are hot. Maybe that is why I didn’t get any good sleep. My room was too warm, even though I have the ceiling fan running at high.

So these are my thoughts when I am in a bad place. This is why I call them the midnight demons. Because they are demons. they are the dark thoughts that no one wants to hear ever. I was talking to my cousin tonight about my pain and he gave me credit for handling it. I didn’t tell him it makes me want to commit suicide. I did tell him that if my PCP ever stops giving me my pain medication, he might as well sign my death certificate. There is no way that I can live without my pain meds. I am not saying I am addicted to them, because there are days where all I will need is one pill or no pills for a day or so. Then there are days like tonight that I need 4-6 pills to control my pain. I don’t take all of the 4-6 at once. Just 2 every 4-6 hours. In my desperate hours, I have taken 3-4 at once, when I am in a FUCK it mode. I thought about taking that tonight but decided against it. I really am scared about how the new policy my doc’s office has it going to affect me. I am hoping there is no radical change. I won’t be able to handle it. According to this new policy, I will only get a 28 day supply of meds and will need to be seen every month to get it refilled. It’s a standard policy that I have come across from the pain management docs that I have seen. the thing that scares me is that there is a clause that states that if my provider doesn’t see that i am getting better or that there is no change, he might decide to discontinue the medication. I have a condition that is not likely to improve at ALL. If I don’t take this medication, I am screwed. I will be in pain and will likely commit suicide because it will be the only option I have left. I cannot go on suffering like this. I just can’t. I have exhausted all possibilities that this will get better, no amount of physical therapy or other treatments are available to me. I know losing weight is a big thing. And I am trying to work on that but it is not easy. I love to eat which is part of my problem. Even now I am fighting the urge to have a bowl of cereal. But that will mean going down stairs to my kitchen and I don’t think going down stairs will help my pain.

It’s been an hour and a half that I have had this flare up and it doesn’t seem to show any signs of calming down. How I wish I could see my doc right now and tell him how badly I hurt. But my doc is not available at this hour, except for emergency docs which will be the on call doc who might not be mine and won’t know me from Adam. And even if I do page him, there is no guarantee that he or she will provide me with adequate relief at this hour, other than telling me to go to the ER. I hate this bullshit where I am in pain and there is nothing I can do about it other than pray my pain meds work or at least knock me out.

This is what I go through on a daily basis. Why I have not attempted to kill myself is a mystery to me. I have thought about it a thousand and one times and still have not made any attempt to kill myself in the past year and a half. I want to so bad though. I think it will provide me some relief that I am seeking. But if I am successful, then I will be ok. My family might be destroyed but I will be in a better place, I hope, where there is no suffering like this.

Sound of a million dreams

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Sound of a million dreams

I’m listening to this song as I am typing this. I love David Nail and this song. It always makes me feel good. I had a pretty good day despite my ankle killing me right now. I had good luck today as I won $50 (USD) on a scratch ticket. I bought one, won $5 (USD), so bought another of the same ticket and won $50. I was happy because my cash flow was getting to be non-existent. I am hoping that one day, with this particular ticket I will win the big one and be set for life.

Other than that, I have nothing new to report. I still am not sleeping. I fell asleep around 04:30 only to wake up at 0900. I have been going all day and it’s almost midnight now. I am wicked tired but I am feeling kind of revved up. I just got off the phone with my cousin and we were talking about things. Guess those things got me kind of excited. But really I know I am going to be up because my foot is again doing it’s hot flash thing again. And I know what follows it. I didn’t take any Neurontin tonight. I don’t think it is helping me anymore. Only thing I have noticed is that I am eating more, which isn’t good as I am trying to control my weight. I lost a few pounds and so far I have managed to keep them off. I don’t want them back on. My honey nut cheerios came today. I order them on Amazon because it is cheaper to buy them in bulk online than it is getting them in the store. I know I pay a lot for shipping, but this time I was able to get free shipping because I bought some other things. I finally got a new battery for my phone and a new case to go with it. My other battery was getting to be no good. For an extended battery, it wouldn’t last more than a day, sometimes not more than 8 hrs off the charger. It was getting to be ridiculous so I got a new battery and I hope that it lasts longer than a few hours. And I guess it does because I was on the phone with my cousin for three hours before it beeped saying that it needed to be charged. Three hours is typical for my phone battery, but I usually don’t talk that long with my cousin. I usually don’t talk that long with anybody!

I am feeling really tired. I hope I get some sleep tonight despite my foot doing it’s stupid thing. I really don’t know how many more sleepless nights I can take. This will be the third night in a row that I have stayed up beyond midnight after waking up in the early morning. I usually sleep for at least 7 hours but lately I have been only getting about 5 hours of sleep. And I can’t stay asleep during the night. I wake up every couple of hours and then I will sleep solid for four hours and that will be it. I have to get up, only to feel like taking a nap a few hours later. I have not taken a nap though. I find that if I do, it only makes things worse.

I have had to put a password on one of my blog entries. I really didn’t want to do it but I just kept on getting spam comments for drugs and online pharmacies every single day and more than 10 messages a day. I couldn’t take it anymore and it was always for the same post. I have the post as a page now and it hasn’t had the same kind of traffic. I hope it doesn’t anyway.

I had a funny thing happen tonight. My sister called me saying that my little niece wanted me to come downstairs. So I came down and I had dinner with them. I then asked my niece why she wanted me. She said just to sit with her. I thought it was cute. Then the brat leaves me to visit another neighbor! I then asked myself why I am at my sister’s and went back upstairs to my cave (room).

I have to give people credit…they are very creative when they create twitter or email accounts. I just got a message that “better off blonde” is now following me on twitter. I have no idea who this person is. But one thing about twitter is that you don’t have control over who follows you. The most you can do is that if they are trouble, you block them. I had to block someone today because they sent me a link. Anytime anyone on twitter sends me a link, I block them. I then find out that the account is gone the next day. So who knows what they were trying to do. I don’t trust them because I don’t want a virus on my computer or get hacked. Not that I have anything on my new laptop. I just have my documents, which is mostly my blogs and my book. If I were to lose them, it would be like losing my life. I should back up my documents soon. I have not done it in a while, though I did upload some documents to dropbox. Dropbox is an online storage space meant for just that reason. In case your computer crashes you have them stored online. I don’t know how secure it is or anything of that nature but I know a few people that use it and think it is great. So I have some of my PDF’s and other documents stored in cyber space.

Night blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, mental disorders, mood disorders, suicide attempt, writing

this is the first time that I am writing a third blog in a day. I am sorry for the posts but I am in so much pain I don’t know what else to do. I can’t say that I did too much because I didn’t. I just know that my foot is on fire and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I have taken meds to quiet things down and I am hoping with the Ativan I can get some sleep in a little while.

I actually am afraid of sleeping for fear of having that weird dream again. Or another one. I also don’t know why I had an anxiety attack on the bus again. I guess it is getting to be paranoia that I won’t be able to get off the bus at my stop because I don’t want to fall down. My balance on my right foot has been off the past several months, especially when I am turning. I seem to lose my footing because I don’t know where my foot is. It is so frustrating that when I am seen by people it looks like I am drunk.

I got so upset about my menses after my last bathroom break I needed to talk to someone. I just can’t handle this menses situation anymore. I am now bleeding more than I did last week, which technically, I should be bleeding less not more at this stage of the game. I am not a reproductive expert but I know when a period should end. and after seven fucking days, it should be OVER. I should not be continuing to bleed dammit. I am sorry if this sounds gross or disgusting but it is how I feel. I am so upset by this. I am supposed to wear boxers not pads all the time. I am supposed to be a male and because I am not in the right body, this shit happens and I am distressed about it. I was texting to a friend tonight and as I was, I was also writing to my therapist about hanging myself. that is me, I am splitting tonight. In one instant I am texting about marinara sauce and in my writing I am writing about the length of rope I should use.

I should be sleeping because I took some neurontin. But the stuff has not kicked in yet. I also just took my pain meds and some ativan but I am still fucking hyper and in pain. I bet the pain is going to go away first and then the ativan will kick in to put me to sleep. I just hope I don’t wake up at four in the morning again. that is what has caused all this bullshit. I am not sleeping at all through the night. I can’t remember a night where I slept past eight in the morning. It pisses me off. I think I should be up all night and then just sleep during the day. But then my mother thinks that I sleep too much. How can I sleep too much if I am not sleeping during “normal” sleeping hours??

I finished my Lincoln book that I was reading. I just have to read the Epilogue. but I really kind of don’t want to. I like the book because at the end it gives the same speech in the end as in the Lincoln movie. Maybe I should watch that tomorrow. I have not watched it in a while.

God this pain is unreal. It feels like someone is trying to shove a hot poker through my foot. I know it is nerve pain but I usually don’t get the hot poker feeling so I am not sure what that is about. I hope that my CRPS is not getting worse than what it is. I have been getting “hot flashes” in my foot the past several days now. My foot just feels really hot but when you touch it is cool. I don’t know what is going on. I am scared that the nerve damage is spreading or that I somehow twisted my good part of my ankle and now it is sore. I won’t know for a few weeks because that is when I see my PCP. By then, the pain could be gone and I would look like a fool. Either that or the pain will change to something else. I have had so much different types of pain in my foot I think my doc thinks I am making it up just so that I can get pain meds. I swear I am not. It’s just that the worse part of the pain happens at night and not during the day. Though this type of pain, the hot poker, seems to be happening more during the day and then gets worse at night.

Because of this I am constantly thinking of ways to end my life. The problem is that I don’t want my nieces to find my body. And so I can’t kill myself at home. I wish I could just chop my foot off right now. It is so killing me. I know I am not alone with my thinking of killing myself because I am depressed and in pain. That some how comforts me but at the same time it doesn’t. I know that I can’t beat this diagnosis. the pain changes too much for anyone to really believe me. how can they when one day I say that it is a hot poker and another time I say that it is like a barbed wire going though my ankle? or that my foot explodes in pain and I can’t move my last three toes. This doesn’t happen during the day. it only happens at night so when my doc examines me, I am not hurting. I don’t get the exploding pain, the hot poker, the barbed wire. It is SOOOOOO frustrating!!!! I don’t know if my doc believes me. I know my psychiatrist does and my physiatrist does. but I don’t know if my PCP does.

This is what I think about at night, when I can’t sleep. This is why my blog is called the midnight demons because that is truly when the demons come out, either mentally or physically. it truly sucks!

week 2 of hell has commenced

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Week 2 of hell has commenced

I have to say it has been an interesting week. I have had my menses and I didn’t go crazy like I usually do. I still have the fucker though and now it is getting annoying. I have cramps from hell that are not responding to any anti-inflammatories so today because my joints have been acting up, I took some ketoprofen. It is a higher end form of ibuprofen (Advil) and I find that it works well for my arthritis. I am hoping it works for these menstrual cramps that I have. I have enough pain in my life. I do not need abdominal cramps to add to it.

Because I woke up at the nice morning hour of four in the morning, I slept till about noon. I woke up from a bad dream that doesn’t make any sense. It was about a car that was running and my friend was holding onto something to prevent it from leaking oil. She was holding pressure on the leak like you would a vein laceration. I then put oil in the car to replace what it has lost and a few minute later the damn hood explodes. Don’t know what the hell that means.

I wish I felt refreshed when I woke up but I didn’t. I didn’t feel like getting out of bed or taking a shower and getting to my Starbucks. But I did. Now that I have my coffee I am wondering what to eat. I am thinking of getting a pastry but I don’t know. I need something with more substance. Maybe a breakfast sandwich or something. I could have their turkey sandwich which has Dijon mustard on it. But I am not feeling that hungry. I am trying to save my appetite for the PF Chang General Chang for tonight. I haven’t had it in so long.

I am glad the kids that were running around Starbucks have left. They were starting to get annoying. They were cute and everything but I was just afraid they would get hurt if they fell or something.

I’m still feeling depressed. I think I just have a depressive personality. I don’t know what it is like to feel pleasure or be happy for more than a few moments. I have some things that give me joy like Starbucks but soon as the coffee is done I am sad again. I just can’t sustain joyful experiences or feel content. I know right now it is because I am hurting with cramps and my foot is bothering me. It never stops. But even if I didn’t feel pain, I still would be miserable. It is not a choice like many believe. I just am unhappy with my life. I feel stuck and it is difficult to feel unstuck. So I have this routine where I go to Starbucks and I write, either on my laptop or in my journal. I read, if my concentration allows it. And I rest because that is what is needed after an excursion into town. I really would love to take a trip to George’s Island this summer but other than exploring the fort which I have done a few times, there really isn’t much on the island. I don’t know if the fort is still explorable. There were parts of the Fort, built at the time of the Civil War (US) that were blocked off because they were deemed dangerous as it was falling apart. But it’s nice and quiet there. I have never been to Thompson’s Island in Boston Harbor. There is more activity to do there. Maybe one day I will go there if I can get my funds together.

I decided to get a bacon Artisan breakfast sandwich. It was good but I forgot I don’t care for the cheese much. I think it’s Gouda. I’m not a fan. The treat receipts are back at Starbucks. If you buy a drink before 2 pm you get your drink after 2 PM for $2 (USD). I might get a refresher drink before leaving. Depends on how thirsty I get.

I just added some stuff to my book. I felt that I should work on it for a little bit as it has been weeks since I last did so. I swear I am in love with the Kati Kati coffee that I have been drinking the past few weeks. It is so good. But as with other coffees, it perks me up for a little bit and then I crash. I hate the crash feeling. I usually end up taking a nap.

New blog today from the AAS as it is every Monday. I have yet to be asked to write for it again. I still have a paper that I am dying to have post. It’s about suicide attempt survivor reaction. I think it will be fitting for a suicide attempt blog. But I know that there is one person ahead of me for writing. Anyways, this week’s post really resonated with me. I have had a long hospital stay once and I don’t remember it going so well. The only reason they kept me so long was because they knew that if they let me out, I would try again, which I would have. I spent hours talking to staff but it did nothing to change how I felt. I was put on another antidepressant that did help my mood some but caused me to gain a lot of weight. Course my diet of eating cheeseburgers and fries for lunch didn’t help. It was one of the lowest points in my life. I know my mood has not been as low as it was back then but it has been close. I have not had a long hospital stay since, and by long I mean two months. But that was when things were different for psych hospital admissions. Now if I had attempted, I doubt I would stay longer than two weeks. Soon as I started to be “less” suicidal, I would be discharged. I would just have more therapy sessions. I think that if I didn’t have so many sessions with my therapist, I probably would be hospitalized more. Meeting just once a week just isn’t enough for me. Even though my therapist drives me crazy, if I didn’t have her support of meeting a few times a week, I know I would be in the hospital or worse, I would attempt to do something. But then I meet by phone, which is easier than meeting in person. She is on vacation this week and I already sort of miss her, and it is only Monday. I hope that with her being gone, I will be ok, especially as my menses are causing havoc with my mood right now. I really have been having some dark thoughts today. I keep hoping that I won’t wake up one day, that my autonomic system will realize that I am dead inside and just stop functioning and let me die by stopping my heart and lungs so I won’t have to.