Tag: chronic physical pain

King of Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

King of Pain

I was listening to my MP3 player and this song came on. I thought it was perfect for today. I have had it on repeat because I like the melody and lyrics. It describes how I feel today. The song is by the Police. It is one of my favorite songs on their album Synchronicity.

I woke up early and was fidgety. I went to the Square to get my coffee and do a couple of errands. Now my bowels seem to have woken up since I came home. This sucks but I am glad that I am home and not out and about. The cramps are what is killing me. I don’t know if it’s air or crap. With CES, you never know so it’s always best to be on a toilet when you let loose. Otherwise, you might be sorry.

I might go out again after my therapy appointment. I won’t get another coffee, but I might get an iced tea. I really would like to read the psych book that I bought and have been neglecting to take with me. The only reason I don’t usually take it with me is because I don’t have my journal in the bag. But the thing is, I will either write or read. I usually won’t do both. We’ll see how therapy goes. If it’s favorable, I will go out. My psych got back to me. She wants me to page her this evening. I am glad I got a response from her.

I didn’t take my abilify last night and the voices are rampant. I don’t care. I trust them more than real people right now. I should have trusted them all along but the “real” people persuaded me otherwise. I can’t believe how stupid I have been. I texted Bozo telling her I am no longer taking the abilify and I am canceling next week’s sessions. I really don’t want to talk to her anymore. There is no point. She hurt me and I don’t think there is any reconciliation. Besides, I have the voices to talk to, who needs therapy. They understand me better than anyone. They can read my thoughts where as no one else can. Sometimes I don’t even have to talk to answer their questions.

I wanted to get my haircut today but I forgot the money to get it. Maybe I will get it before going to Starbucks to read, if I go back out. My foot is acting up so I am not sure if I will go out. I kind of had to put pressure on it today while on the bus so I didn’t go flying off my seat. I was on the new bus and it’s not made for short people. My feet dangle off the seat so I have to stretch to stay on the seat.

I hope three is the charm. My rear is killing me from going to the bathroom so many times. It’s not just irritation, but also nerve pain that I feel. It really sucks to have a bowel movement when you have cauda equina syndrome.

If I don’t make it back out today, I will read some Dostoevsky. I charged up my tablet last night. I found that the battery does last longer if you don’t have notifications going off. I disabled most of them. There really is no need as I have my phone and laptop and I hardly will use my tablet for messaging or sending email. I primarily use it only for the Kindle app. As long as the tablet doesn’t die on me or run out of memory for the books I buy, I will keep it. No point in getting another one. If it ain’t broke why fix it?

A Terribly Upsetting Therapy Session

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

A Terribly Upsetting Therapy Session

I spoke my ideas about the Orlando shooting today and my therapist did something she never did before. She didn’t believe me. I got very upset, started crying I was so upset. It’s one thing to not believe things. I get that she doesn’t have to believe in aliens like I do, but to not believe what I was saying just killed me. I wrote to my psychiatrist about it. I told her she was a Bozo and a half. I was very upset, I didn’t know what I was saying in the email.

We still had time during session to talk, which I refused to. I just cried as silently as I could. The one person I thought I could talk to about anything just shut me down and I don’t want to talk to her anymore. We have a session tomorrow that is too late to cancel. I won’t talk during that one either. Fuck her. I don’t think she understands psychosis or delusional thinking. I am not taking my meds tonight. Screw the abilify. I am out of trilafon so it doesn’t matter. I’m doing what the voices want to do. I should have trusted them more than ‘real’ people.

The dentist appointment went okay. I was still numb while trying to talk to Bozo the therapist. My jaw is still hurting from being open so long. I have been eating soft foods because I don’t want to try the hard ones. My neck is killing me. It was a big cavity. I tried to get some sleep after therapy but it was impossible. I was too upset. When I finally did settle down, my mother called me to help fix dinner. There went the nap. Then my mother had a laugh when she turned the TV on and it scared the crap out of me. I must have jumped three feet. Just what my PTSD needed.

HA, A psychologist just posted an article about how you are using too much toothpaste. I don’t use that much, just a dab because any more than that and I will gag. I have been doing this for years.

I don’t feel so good, physically or mentally. I am just so tired because I didn’t get much sleep last night. I was so worried I was going to oversleep. Then my ankle started bothering me so I took some pain meds for it after session. I wanted to go out but my mouth was still numb and I didn’t want to drool. The numbness didn’t wear off till around 1530 or so. I will go out tomorrow. I have a thing to mail. I am going to cancel sessions for next week. No point in talking to someone who doesn’t understand. I am going to page my psych tomorrow. Maybe she will understand. If she doesn’t, I am screwed. I just don’t understand why they can’t understand that there are alien parasites in the brains of these radical extremists that are making them do the things that they are doing. The voices agree with me. They warned me no one would understand. I took a chance and it backfired terribly. Now I have no one to talk to. Voices have been telling me for years that the meds are poison. Now I believe them so I am not going to take them anymore. I don’t know why I have been so stupid.

Disoriented

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Disoriented

I thought I had a dentist appointment this morning at 0930 for a filling. Damn secretary had switched the time and day on me so now I have to go tomorrow morning at the same time. I just hope the numbness wears off by the time I see my therapist in the afternoon. I came home, made myself something to eat and then took a nap. I slept almost five hours and woke disoriented. I thought today was Tuesday and it was after 1400, so not only did I miss my dentist appointment, I missed my therapy appointment as well. I checked to see if I had missed calls and I didn’t. I thought that was odd because I know my therapist would be freaking out if I didn’t answer the phone. Then I checked the date and realized it was still Monday. Whew! Crisis averted.

I am wicked nervous about the filling for the cavity I have. I am scared of the needle for the numbing medicine. Normally needles don’t bother me but when they have my name on it, they bother me. My biggest worry is that I’ll have to have a root canal after the filling because it is deep. I only had one tooth that needed a root canal. Granted it was because the filling in it had gone bad and they had to dig it out and replace it. It was not pleasant or cheap, even with insurance.

I sent my previous blog to my psychiatrist. I haven’t heard back from her. I still haven’t received the refill that I need. I knew I should have told her when I talked to her on Saturday. I hope I don’t have to wait till Friday to get it refilled. That will just suck.

Despite my naps this afternoon, I am still tired. I think I am going to go to bed early tonight. I am going to read another chapter of Harry Potter before I do go to bed. I will take my meds and then read so that I am relaxed. My mother finally made chicken cutlets for supper. She also made stuffing, which is my favorite side dish in the world. Nothing beats Stove Top, other than her homemade stuffing she makes for Thanksgiving. I didn’t eat too much because I wasn’t that hungry. Being tired destroys hunger.

I have a lot of stuff on my mind. I am getting delusional and I think no one is taking me seriously. I really want to call the investigators and see if they checked the gunmen’s brains for the alien parasites. If it is not there, then it went into someone else. This won’t be good. There will be another attack somewhere else. The alien parasite will influence them to do this. I am scared to call the investigators though for fear of being ridiculed. I haven’t told my therapist about all this. Maybe I will send her the blog.

I wanted to go to the post office today but I was too sleepy. Then when I thought about it, as usual, the place was closed. I should have went after I woke up from my nap. I still can’t believe how disoriented I was. I didn’t know what day it was. I really thought I slept till the next day.

Despicable

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Despicable

Last night before bed, I found out there was a shooting at an Orlando night club. At that time, there were 20 dead. Now I hear that the number has risen to 50, with 50 more injured. The news is calling it a Radical Islamic attack. Just what I need for my psychosis to get worse. I feel sad and sickened at the same time. People are calling for more gun control while the NRA does nothing. I don’t know when a group of idiots can’t see the bigger picture. Using an assault rifle for killing people other than what it was intended for (hunting and protecting the home, is what I heard). In my opinion, people do not need an assault rifle to protect themselves. They shouldn’t need one in the home when a handgun can do the same damage. I am not for or against guns. Yes, people have the right to bear arms and I understand that. It is written in the constitution. But what did all those people in the night club do to deserve their deaths? In truth they were the hunted because of hate. My thoughts go out to the families of the victims and the first responders. That is all I am going to say on the matter.

I have been sleeping since I finished breakfast this morning. I didn’t have anything to do today so I decided to sleep. I wish I was still sleeping because then maybe I wouldn’t wake up to the awful news.

I am being sieged by voices again. The delusions have crept up too. I think I am going to take an extra abilify tonight to gain some control. I need something as the trilafon is not doing anything.

I went to BPD chat. It helped being around others that were struggling with stuff just like me, well not the psychosis part but the depression part. Tonight’s topic was strengths and I had a hard time trying to find what mine were. I would say writing but I always say that. It seem like I have nothing else. I think I am going to bring this up with my therapist on Tuesday. Maybe she can bring some light on the situation.

I still haven’t made any attempt to contact the grief counselor. I think I am going to try emailing her and seeing if that will work. It’s just that this has become so complicated because of the psychosis, I think she might just say stick it out with my therapist and psychiatrist. I know that this is my fears talking. I really didn’t think I would need to speak to a grief counselor as I have a therapist but things are not getting better in therapy and I am so tired of talking about my father with her. I feel like it’s been going on for months and months. I want to stop talking about it yet everything in my life was centered around him as well. We were at his beck and call. It was always how high to jump. It was always about him. I am tired of talking about him.

Moving on…The Red Sox lost, again. They were tied for first but I don’t know what the score of the O’s game is to see if they are still tied. My Jays Twitter fan hasn’t posted things today. My timeline has been filled with stuff from the Orlando shooting so he might have posted and I just missed it because it was buried. I will check the scores later. I am not in the mood to find out right this second.

I filled my pill box and in doing so, I took an Abilify to quiet the noise in my head. My psych would flip if she knew so she is not getting this blog. I usually share one or two blogs with her per week. Last week I sent a lot of blogs/emails to her as I was having a hard time and things were going on. I need to shower today. I helped my mother put away the groceries today as she wasn’t feeling well. She bought a lot of stuff and I got sweaty as the temp and humidity went up. It’s a little cooler now that the wind has picked up. I really just need to change to men’s underwear as my menses have stopped, finally. I noted when I stopped the pill this time so I would know how long in between packs I will get my menses. I hope I am good for at least the next four months.