Tag: chronic physical pain

How Far

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

“How Far”

There’s a boat, I could sail away
There’s the sky, I could catch a plane
There’s a train, there’s the tracks
I could leave and I could choose to not come back
Oh never come back

There you are, giving up the fight
Here I am begging you to try
Talk to me, let me in
But you just put your wall back up again
Oh when’s it gonna end

[Chorus:]
How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can’t
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I’m gonna walk away
And it’s up to you to say how far

There’s a chance I could change my mind
But I won’t, not till you decide
What you want, what you need
Do you even care if I stay or leave
Oh, what’s it gonna be

[Chorus]

Out of this chair, or just across the room
Halfway down the block or halfway to the moon

How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can’t
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I’m gonna walk away
And it’s up to you to say
YeahI’m gonna walk away
And it’s up to you to say how far

by Martina McBride

Just Depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache

Just depressed

For some reason the cough that I thought had gone away has returned with a vengeance. It is not helping my back pain at all. I feel horribly depressed that I can’t move without pain. To make matters worse, I don’t think I will be seeing my therapist on my birthday because there is a storm on its way to Boston and it will hit then. Just great. Mother nature hates me.

I really am dreading my birthday this year. I really just want to take my sister’s car and just leave town for the day. But I know my sister will need her car back. I probably would have left months ago if I had a car.

I keep thinking I don’t have anything to do tomorrow but I have two appointments. I have my dreaded PCP appointment and then I have PT. I am dreading the PCP appointment because I know he is going to say something about my weight. I plan on wearing light pants so I can weight less on his stupid scale. Maybe then he will be happy. Last time I didn’t care and wore heavy jeans and kept things in my pocket. I weighed 8 pounds heavier than my last appointment. He flipped out on me. But this time I will be seeing him not only for my med refill, but also because I have this cough and back pain. My prediction is that he not only is going to tell me to lose weight, but also that I have a viral infection. He’ll give me a script for my pain meds and then its see you next month.

I hope the bastard is on time because my appointment with PT is two hours from his and I need to catch a shuttle bus to get there. I was looking forward to this appointment but now I just don’t care. After the possible poking and prodding of my PCP, I know the PT is going to do the same thing, if not more prodding to assess my ankle. I will be lucky to walk out of there. I won’t be wearing my AFO. I have given up on wearing it. At this point (2 years later), I don’t think it is doing me any favors.

I just am really down today. I watch the Pats game and that made me feel worse. They played like shit but somehow got the win. It was a very ugly game. Brady (quarterback) got sacked like 4 times. I think if he had better protection, the game would have been different.

I really am not looking forward to my birthday in a few days. I wish it was today just to get it over with. I just want the hoo-hah to be done with. I am not looking forward to having my family give me gifts when I didn’t get them anything for their birthday. And I know my cousins and aunts are just going to give me the “this is your birthday and Christmas gift” like they do every year. I always get stiffed. When I was a kid, I always got birthday AND Christmas presents. But I don’t give a fuck this year. Let them say this and I will just be thankful to have something. It’s better than nothing, right?

Saturday Blog 16

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression

Saturday Blog 16

I have not felt good all day. But I have been thinking about my cousin all week since he left me a message saying he was getting married today. I wanted to call earlier but I am bad at returning calls during normal business hours. I always remember after 2100. I called my cousin back today and spoke to him. He told me about his wedding and the parties he went to. My cousin married his partner, finally, after being together for more than 25 years. I am so happy to officially see his partner in the family. His partner got on the phone and he told me he sent me lyrics to a song he wrote in the early morning. He was telling me the process of the song and I had to read it. I LOVED it. It was so cool. I hope he records it and sends me the recorded version. Would love to hear the melody of the song.

Last night I had a scare. After I had my difficult BM, I started having increased back pain and my saddle/genital area were throbbing, something that has never happened to me before. It was awful. I had to take two strong pain pills and at least two ativans to calm down. I finally dozed off around 0200. All that time I was freaking out and was so damn tempted to go to the ER. I woke up in the morning and things were better. I still had back pain but it was the normal pain that I have been dealing with all along and not the pain I was dealing with last night. I swore to myself that if it was CES (Cauda Equina Syndrome), I was going to kill myself. There is no way I can handle being a cripple or be fused. I have heard many people who have been fused have so many problems. I have yet to hear of one success story of the many bad ones I have heard. My brother in law has told me that his coworker has received a fusion and is doing well. But I am sure that he didn’t have nerve damage before he got his fusion.

I don’t know why I was in horrendous pain last night. I know I had a difficult movement where I really had to push to get the crap out of me. I had been backed up for a few days as the last time I went was Monday. It is just another reminder of what living post CES is like. You can’t have normal bowels. I still am waiting to go again but it has not happened. I would take another senna but I took one earlier and I really don’t want to take two in one day for fear of bowel cramping.

I was so scared last night that I emailed my psychiatrist around 2300. I told her I was freaking out and that things were weird. I didn’t know if things were going to be better in the morning or not. I would have to go to the ER if things were not good. I feel like I am living with a time bomb in my back and I don’t know what will be the detonator. I have severely herniated discs in my L5/S1 that I am most worried about. I see my doc on Monday so I will ask him if having another MRI will be worthwhile at this point or not. I really don’t want to have another MRI as I need to have contrast and the last time I had one, they couldn’t find a vein so they skipped it. But with my back surgeries, you need contrast to show differentiation between new and old stuff.

I think my plans of seeing my therapist on Tuesday might be foiled as snow and ice are supposed to hit that day. Just great! I really want to see my therapist but I can’t because of the stinking weather. Normally, I wouldn’t care but I know going west of where I live is going to be more treacherous than where I live. I hope that it is nothing and I wake up with nothing on the ground. But some places are already having snow right now so there is still the chance that I won’t be seeing her Tuesday. Things could change as Tuesday is a few days away.

Sad day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Today has been a bad day. I found out one of my former coworkers lost her father this morning. Then one of my favorite baseball players got traded to San Diego, which probably means my favorite catcher is not going to be signed with the Sox this offseason. It’s just been a depressing day. Since finding out about my friend’s father passing, I just have been crying. It just sucks that my friend now has to deal with a wake and funeral for her beloved father instead of celebrating Christmas. It is just rotten and I feel so bad for her. Her father was a dad, true and true.

I woke up again in pain. Been able to sleep for a little bit before my damn app went off telling me to take my day meds. I could barely get out of bed to take them. My sister wanted me to pick up my niece but there is no way I can walk that far as I am in a lot of pain. Just going down the stairs is painful. I don’t know what to do anymore as all traditional methods of treating this pain have failed me. I have rested, taken anti-inflammatories, stretched to the best of my ability and nothing seems to help. My pain medication does relieve some pain but not enough for me to do anything. And having a cough is not helping me. Last night I had a coughing fit and I think it didn’t do me any favors, which is probably why I am hurting really bad today.

I just checked my Starbucks account. I have two free drinks, one for my birthday and one that I earned. That makes me happy, a little bit, because now I can go to Starbucks and get out of the house. Other than doctors appointments this week, I have not left the house for anything. And tomorrow I need to go to my father’s house to prepare is medication for him. It’s the only way to know that he is taking all of his pills. We found out yesterday that he lost more weight. When he first was diagnosed with his liver problem he was a 150 lbs. Now he is 124 lbs. He says that he is eating, but I don’t really think that he is. I think he has been drinking his ensure instead of eating a meal. My sister thinks so, too. We are not with him 24/7 and he can still make himself a meal. Trouble is, if he isn’t hungry, he just doesn’t eat, at all. We have tried to get him to eat three meals but that is impossible. He doesn’t have breakfast and will have a little lunch. Then gets bloated for his dinner, whatever that maybe. We see the containers of food in his fridge as he saves his meals. I don’t know what we are going to do with him. Just another hassle with the old guy.

My therapist is off today. She has been having Fridays off since the birth of her daughter. Sometimes I wish she was in the office as it is hard, sometimes, to wait till Tuesday. I will be able to get my sister’s car that day so I can see her for our appointment. It will be the first time seeing her in months! I am really looking forward to it. I just hope all the poking and prodding from my doc and PT on Monday doesn’t cause a flare up in my ankle. That will suck so bad! And I really don’t want my back to be caput on my birthday. So this pain better be gone by then!

I need to take a shower and brush my teeth some time today. I have been really bad in doing those things. I am surprised my teeth haven’t fallen out. I really should have better hygiene habits but its so hard with the depression and back pain. I can only stand for so long before I am in horrendous pain. This just sucks.