Tag: chronic physical pain

hope this makes sense

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I have been sleeping on and off most of the day. My father rudely woke me up because he is a bastard. He was bullshit I forgot to ask my sister for the car and she had plans to take it with her. WTH. Everything is my fault and if his needs don’t come first, he gets nasty.

My ankle pain has been through the roof today. I mostly have been in bed, not wanting to leave the comforts of my room unless I have to. My editor came back with the final edits. I have been going through them the last two hours and needed a break. I might finish tomorrow afternoon, after I deal with my father. Gin will need to be in order by then. It is less edits than the first go round. Small changes. But the girl still doesn’t understand the difference between suicidal and suicidality. So for those edits, I just am not doing. They can be used in the same sentence as they mean different things, even though the realm of it is in suicide. I have no idea if I am making sense.

Speaking of suicide, yes, I still am. I posted the link to my book as it is on Kindle. Got a crap load of congrats and it still made me wish I had a gun to shoot my head off. I don’t know why that is. I should be happy now that my book is published and my sister has it. There will only be small changes to the book, the paperback, once I finish with the edits from the editor. I didn’t like how everything was smooched. They had chapters after chapters with no pages in between. That is fine for a kindle, but not for a paperback.

I haven’t been able to figure out if anyone has bought my book. Nothing has been deposited into my checking account. No tally has been made. I feel depressed not knowing the stats of my book sales.

Meds are kicking in so I guess this is another short blog. I just feel so crummy.

a longer blog: breathing hurts

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Longer Blog

I have been trying to nap the last few hours. I got the review approval from Amazon but then I realized I forgot to put in my references so had to go through the entire process again. Now I am waiting for another approval to get a proof. I am surprised the editor didn’t pick up on that, but then maybe she isn’t too academic like I thought. This book isn’t academic in the least but I still reference a few books to stress my point.

I told my therapist the other night that I planned on taking some medication tonight. I am struggling with resistance on doing so. Taking the meds might kill me or give me a heart attack as I am very sensitive to this drug. Just 0.25 mg will cause my heart to race. I told her I wouldn’t do it but didn’t promise I wouldn’t. I just feel so awful. I know, my book is about to be published. I should be feeling the opposite but I am not. I feel like I am never going to get out of this rut that I am in.

One thing that I have learned about the book “Writing The Breakout Novel” is that people read books through word of mouth more than reviews. So I just need a thousand people to spread the word on my book so I can be a millionaire. LOL Doubt that will happen but, you never know. I hate feeling nervous. It is not helping with the feelings of suicidality. I have tried everything today to try and chill. Music, Ativan, TV, and reading. I started reading “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” and finally got back to it. It’s a weird book. I have trouble reading old novels and let’s face it, “Uncle Tom” is not new. It was written before the Civil War by a female which is unheard of in those days and sold more than 100,000 copies. I just have a problem with the language of the book as sometimes I have no idea what the author is trying to say. It’s southern Afro-American dialect and that can be tough. I had a friend that used to clown around speaking that way and I could never understand what she was trying to say. She was from Georgia.
But the good news is that I can still use my tablet even though it is not hooked up to the Sprint network. Course I never used it on the network. I always used the wifi settings.

I took my night meds early tonight because I didn’t take them last night. I just hope I don’t have breakthrough bleeding because I took my pill late. I woke up at 1:15 am from a nap because yesterday was such a crazy day. I didn’t think I was going to sleep that late, but then I started working on formatting my book and I didn’t go back to sleep till six this morning. I was literally burning the midnight oil. But that what the demons do to me. They keep me up most of the night.

The hardest thing that I had to write was the description of the book. But I am proud of it. I don’t know why I still want to kill myself. I guess it never really goes away no matter what success you have in your life. If you feel like ending your life, it doesn’t matter what people think of you. Sometimes, family will hold you back but they can only do that for so long before you start feeling like a burden to them. I just can’t seem to get out of this rut that I am in and I am trying. I haven’t felt hopeful in weeks. I don’t feel depressed. I just don’t want to live. Breathing hurts and I want it to stop.

The invisible weakness

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, writing

I spent most of the day wondering what to write today. I thought I would play with my dragon software that has been laying idle now for a month but had a yearning to listen to Garth Brooks so nixed that idea.

I have been reading the book “writing the breakout novel” by David Maass. Though I never attempted to write a novel, he is giving me ideas for my next book. I am thinking of writing about the most traumatic point in my life but fictionalizing it. I think I can do it. I don’t know if I can write a book about it, maybe a short story, but who knows. I will outline the chapters and such. This book helps with all of that. I could have a breakout novel or novelette.

On another note, been stewing on this all week and I finally can’t hold it in anymore. I have had trouble with my left ankle since 2009/2010. I can no longer stand for long period nor walk long distances like i used to. The reasons for this is not clear as every single test (xray/mri) has come back normal. The only thing that my doc still refuses to believe to this day (and I brought it up to him on Monday) is that I have nerve damage that flares up when I do too much because my ankle becomes fatigued. Because of this, I have gotten an AFO in 2011, took 2 bloody years to figure out that when I am fatigued, my ankle goes from a scale of 1-5, a 4 to a 3/2. AND HE STILL REFUSES TO BELIEVE THAT NERVE DAMAGE IS CAUSING MY PAIN. He thinks I haven’t found the right doctor yet. I have seen 10 of them over the course of 2010 to 2012, specialists from orthopedists, podiatrists, physiatrists, you name the specialty and I have seen them. But because NOTHING shows on the xray/MRI, they don’t want to treat me. Frankly, I know what is causing my pain as long as I don’t exert myself but that is hard to do. Just doing normal activities, standing to make an egg for example, will tire me out or standing to take a shower. I finally got disability but my doc thinks I could be more functional! Yea, if I could go back in time and fix my CES and not see the damn chiropractor! I am just so frustrated, actually beyond frustrated.

So when I bring up the fact that I have nerve damage in my foot and weakness, he brushes it aside as if it is nothing to think about. HUH??? But he still writes out my pain medication script and for that I am grateful because otherwise, the day he doesn’t do that is the day he signs my death certificate, far as I am concerned. My therapist and psychiatrist know this. Actually, I think my psychiatrist knows what is causing my pain but psychs don’t prescribe narcotic meds. It is a shame. Because if she could, and I wouldn’t have to deal with my PCP idiot, I would be a lot happier. I wouldn’t have to go through the rigmarole every month. There isn’t a doctor out there that wants to help me anymore that knows about nerve damage and weakness. If there was, I am sure I would have found them by now. I have seen at least five ankle specialists alone but because nothing shows up on the Xray, they just think I am fine. Well, I am fine. The damage is not in my tendons or bones per se. It is with the muscles that support my tendons and bones. When those muscles weakens, I start getting fatigued. The more fatigued I get, the more I try to walk improperly and that in turn causes me pain. I just wish my doc could understand this formula but nope. It has to be a PHYSICAL structure that is causing this. I am starting to think that if he were a psychiatrist, he wouldn’t believe I have depression because he wouldn’t be able to see it. Same thing. How I wish weakness (physical or mental) could show up on an X-ray. Maybe more people could be helped.

Right now, after all the little walking I did to get my mocha and a half gallon of milk, I am hurting. I have therapy in two hours and I am contemplating taking a pain med. But I am in a messed up mood anyways, so what difference does it make if I take it or not. Pain will only get worse and I rather deal with this level of pain than see it get worse.

ranting blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Having a pissa of day, literally and figuratively. Sox lost their opening day game. It was a pitchers duel throughout the game. Hard one to lose but unfortunately, Lester left a pitch up in the zone and Cruz blasted it. Costly mistake but it happens.

Then I find out my cousin told my mother where I was today. Normally I wouldn’t friggin mind but I hate it when she asks me fifty million questions about my doc appointment that took forever. I told her I just want to be on medication and as long as it took care of the pain, I was fine with that. She said I had the wrong mentality and then got pissed off at me when I said it was a realist mentality. If she only knew how much medication I take, she would shit a brick, and that doesn’t include the supplements I take. I take more than she does. But she is on insulin so that is ok to take. WTF I don’t get it.

I called my cousin and cussed him out because he told my mother. All because I wouldn’t answer the damn phone. He called me four fricken times while I was waiting for the doc, I shit you not. Sorry if my profanity is getting to you, there will be more swears and if that offends you, I suggest you move on to another blog for today. I am in a pissed off mood and I swear like a sailor when pissed. My cousin apologized. I know he is anxious about his concerns and stuff that I won’t get into here but still, why the hell should he call me four fricken times?? Pisses me off. Then to tell my mother. That just blows it.

The doctor didn’t have anything new to say except see a ankle specialist. Fuck that. I have seen a ton of them and they all said the same thing. Nothing is wrong with me but they can’t find out what is causing my pain. So the hell with them. I told him my pain is less so he cut my medication. I don’t need more than what I have already and we went longer than 30 days in seeing him. I should be fine but today I did too much and I know I will need some meds. Ain’t no doubt about it. We went through the whole speel about my mental health and how my family was and shit. The appointment took forever. My blood pressure was high and so was my pulse (again). But they always seem to catch me just as I walk through the door so I am still hoofing it to the office. Plus I have to walk down the hall to his exam room so that extra blood flowing. He thinks the high pulse rate is because of my pain. Whatever. Long as I got a normal hearth rhythm, I really don’t care. AFib or Atrial Fibrillation runs on my father’s side of the family. Nearly all his family members that I know have it. None on my mother’s side. But then, her side has the mental illness. Afib is an abnormal rhythm disorder in which the heart beats faster than it should. Medication is used to control it and sometimes a pacemaker is needed.

My father just called me. Looks like he doesn’t have an appointment with his doctor like he thought he did because his doc is not going to be in the office tomorrow. Just wonderful. I get to reschedule his appointment but I still got to take him for his blood draw. He was supposed to go today but I figured since he had the appointment it could wait. Fucking A, just to make my life that more difficult. As if I don’t have my own health issues to worry about, I got my father’s to keep track of, too.

Still no word from the editor. Every time my phone goes off for an email notification, I get excited but it’s not her. Guess editing is taking longer than I thought it would. But the night is still young. She could email me later. I like that she also reviews the changes I make after she sends the edits. So I have that going for me. If I ever hear from her. Fuck, this isn’t a long fricken book, just about 52,000 words. She has edited books way longer than that, or so she has written about. Hurry the hell up already!! OK rant over, for today at least.