Figured I would start writing and see where it leads me. My mood is still awful, though not really suicidally awful. It has tampered down from the other night. I am in pain tonight, which is clouding my judgment on things. I want to attempt but I am afraid that I will bail. I see my psychiatrist in two days, well, one day now that it is almost Thursday. My therapist is full so I won’t be talking to her, unless she has a cancelation. I don’t know why I am having these thoughts and they always seem to happen at this hour. It is so peculiar. During the day, I have fleeting thoughts of self-destruction but at night, the feelings intensify. I know I am tired and most likely vulnerable, but I also want to sleep and cannot.
I just finished a chapter in the “Idiot” and am so confused. I know someone is going to die soon. I just don’t know who it is going to be. I also know that the main character Myshkin is going to have another fit. I just don’t remember when it will be.
I am listening to Taylor Swift. I find that listening to her when I am in this kind of mood temporarily lifts my spirits. Her music is my saving grace. I started off the playlist with “Love Story”, which is my #1 favorite song of hers. I don’t know why her music lifts me up. Most of her song are definitely upbeat, especially her latest album, 1989. But I love her as a person. I can’t love her more than that because, well, it would be weird with the age difference and all. I am more than a decade older than her. And she is straight, so it wouldn’t work even if it could.
I know since she has left country and went pop, there seems to be less woman on country radio. There is a huge populace of male artists/groups. Where are the women of country?? Sara Evans, Jo Dee Messina, Mary Chapin Carpenter (long gone I know), even Carrie Underwood. For every male song out there, there seems to be less female songs. It’s just sad that the men have overtaken the radio waves.
I still have been thinking about sending my sister a message about the TG stuff. I just need to get out of this funk of depression. Otherwise, I might try to take my life before anyone knows what for. I just really am vulnerable right now. The slightest thing that goes wrong, I fear I might do what I have been thinking about. I don’t need to be in the hospital. It would be pointless and besides, I would get discharged without any treatment. The most they would do is drug me up and then send me home. That is not what I need. I tried to extend my stay the last time I was in, and it was not a good experience. I really don’t want to repeat it. It has been almost a year since I have been in the hospital. And besides, with me having to pick up my niece the next week and half, I really can’t be in the hospital. I hate being in the hospital because it always messes up my med schedule. You have to take them when THEY say you do, not when I want to take them. So it I take my meds at 2100, I can’t take them at that time. It has to be before that time. Or if I want to take them at 1900, I can’t take them until 2000. It just sucks. And the amount of pills they give you is way more than what I take I home. For example, they break up my BP meds so I am taking four pills instead of one. It drives me nuts!! I am at the med counter for at least twenty minutes because I am throwing back like 20 pills when I take half that at home. That is one of the reasons I don’t want to go back to the hospital.
I read an interesting blog today. It was a letter to a “friend” and it was signed “nervous wreck”. Here is the blog: https://talkingthisandthat.wordpress.com/2015/06/02/a-letter-of-regret-from-your-anxious-and-depressed-friend/ . it is an interesting letter and I like it a lot. It is kind of like the spoons blog but this is for mentally disabled people.
I am sort of glad I have an appointment with a NP next week. I think I have a lump under my armpit. I don’t know what that means. But I know it can’t be good. I probably won’t do anything about it if it is a lump. Free cancer, I will take it if it gets me to the grave faster.