Tag: CRPS (formerly RSD)

My worth

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I woke up today dreading the day, wishing I were dead. I tried consoling myself by saying it is only one day but I felt miserable. I had therapy and my therapist didn’t seem concerned with my apathy and despair. We talked about what to get out of therapy more. She suggested EMDR. I told her I would look into it. She said it is an approved therapy. I was shocked to hear this as it was still experimental when I first learned of it. Course, that was nearly thirty years ago.

After therapy, I pondered what to do. I still need to bring the books I bought to my pcp’s office. I also need to pick up my meds. I just couldn’t get going so I did nothing. Until I realized I am out of mirtazepine. I forgot to pick it up yesterday. So I walked to the pharmacy around the block. My right ankle has been bothering me the last couple of days. It was ok until I hit the cement sidewalk. It got better as I walked down the street that I swear turns into a mile when I walk it. I had to walk uphill for about 200 feet and it killed me. There were people along the sitting areas so I couldn’t stop. I rested at the entrance. I looked at my phone as my cousin texted me. I was out of breath and I still had to go in the back of the store to get my meds. My calves were building up with lactic acid by the time I left. The guy that was on the bench had left so I sat for a while before turning onto the street that becomes too long. I finally got to my house and a tuxedo cat was on my porch. It startled me. I sat and collected myself while the cat ate.

I came across this meme and it is so me. I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Either my physical pain will flare or my mental pain will and when both do, I am in trouble. I could have asked my niece to pick up my meds but I wanted to go out. It was a nice day. Wasn’t too warm. Summer is almost over. Baseball season has a month left of games. I needed to go out to prove my worth. I may hurt later tonight but that is ok. It isn’t but what’s done is done.

Pic/meme

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CRPS, depression, disability

I got my haircut today. I’ve been up since 4am. I had a hard time sleeping. Then I just decided to stay up. I asked my psychiatrist about increasing the mirtazepine and he agreed. I’ll put the increase in tomorrow’s box when I do the meds for the week.

My ankle still hurts but not as bad as last night. I am tired. I made the steak for dinner. I cooked it too much. It was a thick piece and well I am still learning. It’s not often I make steak. If it wasn’t raining I would have grilled it. My knees have been aching most of the day. It is cool but the rain is making things muggy.

I read a chapter in the Critical Suicidology book and wrote a message to my therapist. Problem was it was too long for the stupid web message so I had to take a pic of it and send it. I don’t know if it will be readable. I have the document saved in case she wants to read it for Monday’s appt.

I miss my mother. I’ve been wanting to call her the past couple of hours. It has been tough. I never thought I would miss her phone calls asking what I was doing or where I was. I came straight home after seeing my barber. I had no plans today. I might go south of Boston tomorrow to visit my cousin. It’s been a long time since we last saw each other. I hope I don’t get a migraine because of the rain. I told my cousin it will depend on how I feel. I am glad they are understanding. I hate canceling at last minute because I don’t feel well. But that is life with chronic illness.

Got no gas so here is a giraffe pic

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CRPS, depression
Giraffe winking

I got no brain cells today as I was up most of the night. I just couldn’t sleep. Ankle was hurting most of the night and most of today. Stupid crps. Gonna have a cup of coffee soon so I can listen to the game tonight. Not planning on sleeping so I’ll probably be tired 🤪

bad night of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging, depression, FTM, gender dysphoria, grief

Bad night of pain

I was listening to the game and it was tied so I decided to shower as I smelled. After the shower, as usual, I was exhausted and then my foot/ankle flared up on me. It is still hurting. The Sox lost and I am upset about it because they had so many chances to win. It was an up and down game so really hurt to lose.

I had therapy yesterday and my therapist really upset me. She said that I don’t need to be in the hospital and said I could go to the ED but they won’t do anything for me. I know this isn’t true. She didn’t evaluate me on my suicidal risk so she really doesn’t know how bad I just don’t want to be here. I think if she knew that, she might change her mind. She thinks I need partial but I don’t want to go to skill groups. I think they are a waste of time for me because I can’t really grasp things like I used to and besides, these things take practice. I can learn it from a book more than a group setting. The book I am reading now on CBT and suicidal thinking is helping more than anything else that I have read on the subject. Book is called choosing to live. It is an excellent book. I was in a mood yesterday so didn’t bring it up like I wanted to. There was a section I read that I wanted to share with her. She makes me so angry. I don’t know why she doesn’t trust me that I know better of what can help me when I need help. I think being in the hospital will help me because it has in the past. It kind of resets me. Right now I am not doing good. I am not eating or sleeping right. I am tired all the time. I wish I were dead. I also know that maybe spending a few nights away from home will help me with my PTSD of listening out for my mother so that maybe my sleep will get back on track. I know my mother is gone but I still listen out for her every time I am awake during the middle of the night. I’ve tried to calm myself by saying it is ok and that she is gone so no more looking out for her but that just makes me sad and I miss her even more. Grief is a hard thing.

I am so tired and wish I could sleep. My sister left her room so I am waiting for her to go back to it. It is so stupid that I am listening to this shit.

I made a bacon sandwich when I got up but it didn’t taste good. My taste buds are off. Even my coffee didn’t taste good. I had a pop tart, too. It was okay. That was the only thing that tasted right today. I haven’t eaten anything else today. I really want pasta but I don’t feel like cooking. I had an Ensure that I take with my meds as I need 350 calories to take for it.

Tomorrow I have three appointments. I have PT, then my pcp appointment, then the bereavement group. My therapist thinks I should have some time with the group before I go in the hospital as I said I would give it another two weeks time. She thinks grief is going to take longer. She might be right. I don’t know I just feel so damn lost.

I have been having nerve pain in my chest on the left side and it is freaking me out. I know it isn’t cardiac because I am not having any other symptoms but damn, the pain is so intense. It is like a stabbing pain. The swelling on my right hasn’t gone down and now I am wondering if maybe I should be massaging it or something. I sent a message to the NP to see if that will help. It just looks like I have breast tissue again and it is bothering me. I hope that what I feel isn’t fat as that will take more than massage to get rid of.

I haven’t had the time to think more about my personal statement for UMB. I got the letter from my psychiatrist which doesn’t say much other than that he cleared me for attending classes. I wish my psych was still my psych so she could write something for me that would help me other than just clearing me for classes. I guess they need detailed information. Just lovely. Ugh. I can do this. I wrote a damn memoir for crying out loud. Why is this so hard? I am currently working on another memoir. I have gotten so good at being concise in my writing, I find it hard to expand on things. Some story teller I am.

One of the groups I am in on Facebook posted about a trans book. I plan on getting it next week when I get paid. I am also planning on getting a t-shirt that says Baseball Isn’t Boring. I think that will be cool to get. I am a hard lover of baseball.