Tag: depression

Rotten Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rotten Monday

I have been having a bad day. I was able to take a shower, which aggravated my ankle/leg. I thought it was okay until I started watching TV for a little bit. My leg does not like to be down while sitting. I decided to make some potatoes for a potato salad and that further aggravated my pain. Now I am listening to the game on the radio as I can’t sit and watch TV. I am annoyed because they have Rob Bradford in for Dave O’brien. I don’t like Rob too much. He just sounds like he is full of himself all the time.

My mood sucks right now because my boys are losing, big time, thank to Joe Kelly. I really dislike Kelly. His last few starts have sucked. I thought he would make it to the 3rd inning but he barely made it to the 2nd when the Twins exploded on him. They got six runs off him. So disappointing. And what is funny, like ha ha funny, is that he, Kelly, thought he would win the Cy Young Award this year. That is a joke. His ERA has to be in the 700s. Well, maybe not. I just checked and his ERA is 5.13, still pretty bad. You don’t get the Cy Young award with an ERA of 5 and a losing record.

I didn’t sleep too well, again. I woke up around 0530 and then went back to sleep around 7ish after I made some pancakes. I have been craving pancakes every time I see tweets from IHOP. I love their pancakes. I have yet to make them fluffy. I don’t know how to make them fluffy. I mostly make them flat. They were still yummy. I have to get more Buttermilk mix and regular syrup. My mother bought a lite cheapo brand and it is kind of gross, leaving a bitter aftertaste.

I have been playing poker the past few days but for every hand I win, I lose 20. It’s terrible. I have tried playing Farmville again and that is a mind numbing game. You just plant and plant, then harvest and harvest. Not much challenge but it keeps me busy, when I need a distraction. I really miss my Pioneer Trail. I was hoping that there would be a Pioneer Trail 2 but I heard that Zynga laid off the programmers. So I am stuck playing Farmville and poker. I have tried playing the game that other players have gone to, Household, but it just doesn’t appeal to me.

My mood has been very irritable because I haven’t been sleeping and in pain. My mother has been cleaning out the front porch so our living room is a disaster area. It has been pissing me off because I can’t watch TV as there are stuff in the way. I really wanted to watch some Bones episodes but because of the stuff, I can’t. I am really annoyed. I am depressed because I just can’t get out of the house because of pain. I was lucky to get a shower in today but now I am paying for it. I just can’t win. My thoughts haven’t gone to the suicide caliber, yet. I still am thinking about the date I have set aside for my death date. I am waxing and waning on going through with it. I hate ambivalence. It really keeps you here. It is just annoying me because if I didn’t have the ambivalence, I probably would just go ahead with my plans.

Another Day in the Life of Midnight Demon

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide attempt

Another Day in the Life of Midnight Demon

I participated in the weekly BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, chat on Twitter. This week’s topic was about social media. I gave a few thoughts and shared my friend’s blog. She has BPD and writes about the struggles quite frequently. I will also be participating tonight on the SPSM chat later this evening. I just hope that I will be up.

My boys won today, 6-1. I am very happy they did. We needed a win and now fall within 2.5 games of the Rays, who are currently in first place. I am glad it was a day game today. I don’t know if I could handle a night game and then a chat. Or chat while the game was going on. I don’t particularly like SPSM because I feel it doesn’t validate my statements most of the time and I get talked down to a lot. I know it’s probably not the case but it feels that way.

I plan on making pancakes for supper. I just don’t know what kind to make. I am leaning toward oatmeal because I do love them more than buttermilk or original. The last time I made them, they came out kind of sucky so I am going to play with the ingredients a little bit to make them better. I only once made them perfect and that was a while ago.

Sometime in the last few hours, I re-read the article I am writing a review on. I wanted to get back to it but I have been lazy today. My brain just isn’t there. I didn’t sleep too well again last night as I went to bed around 0230. It seems if I am up past 2300, I get hyper and have a hard time falling asleep. I get my second wind, so to speak.

My mother needed a box for the cleaning that she is doing. I was happy to oblige and gave her two that were in my room. Now I just need to figure out what to do with the clothes that are in its place. I am slowly making my way to the closet but I am just not there yet. It is a struggle and maybe before the chat and after I had some food, I will be able to clean a little more or at least go through some of the stuff that is there. It’s so hard for me to make decisions on what to do with the stuff that I just get overwhelmed and don’t do anything. I keep telling myself just one thing but sometimes, that one thing leads to another that leads to another that leads to another. Then you have several things and you start feeling overwhelmed by it all and just say fuck it. At this point it will become my summer project. If I can clean out that part of my room, I can then hang my jeans and clothes that can be hung and not be on the floor or on top of boxes.

I still have my menses, much to my disappointment. I thought it was going away as I had less stuff coming out of me but my last trip to the bathroom proved me wrong. I hate it so much and was so looking forward to wearing boxers. Now I just want to take a shower and do nothing. I am so disgruntled. And what kills me is that I have no one to really talk about it with. I have my therapist, but I don’t talk with her till Tuesday and by then it will most likely be gone. It just kills me that I have to put up with this every few months. I know I should be grateful it isn’t every month but I am a man and shouldn’t have to put up with it period (no pun intended). It just kills my ego and how I view myself. It’s like it takes a little part of me every time it comes around. It definitely makes the suicidal part of me grow. I really rather be dead than to deal with this shit. And the trouble is no one understands. They just think that I have to endure it because I am a “woman” and that is what women do. God, it hurts me so much. No matter how much I try to be a man, I just can never be enough of one.

I am sad to report that one of my friends just told me she tried to attempt suicide twice in as many weeks. That makes three attempts, maybe four, since I have known her. I really don’t know what to do. She is having a hard time getting services where she lives. And I just feel helpless. We used to talk every day and now it’s spotty. She feels like she is a burden to me and no matter how many times I have told her otherwise, it hasn’t clicked in her brain. It is just upsetting to me that she uses my illness as a way of not reaching out for help. I know I am just one person, and she obviously has the right not to seek my help, but to tell me she attempted after the fact just strikes me as painful. I want to help her, I really do, but I can’t if she doesn’t talk to me. I haven’t responded to her message and I don’t think I am going to, least not right away. I need to regroup and think about this and how to approach her.

Saturday Blog 21

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 21

I didn’t go to sleep until 0430 in the morning. I thought I was going to pull an all nighter, and I partly did. I just couldn’t sleep to save my life. I started journaling around 2ish, thinking that would settle me down but it didn’t. I was already drugged up so I didn’t want to take more stuff because I knew that wouldn’t be good. I think that if I didn’t fall asleep, I would have taken some more Ativan. I didn’t have a good sleep. I woke up every three hours or so. I didn’t wake up but I did manage to go back to sleep after being woken up. I would basically look at the time and then go back to sleep. I finally woke up around 1130, feeling somewhat rested. I had some breakfast, well, lunch really. Then I went to Walgreens to get my cookies. Except they didn’t have my cookies. I was so sad. They had every other type of Oreo but the one I was looking for. So I decided to get some mailers and a coke. I needed to mail out some stuff for a friend that would not fit in an envelope. I also needed to mail out one of my books for a “winner”. I had put out on Twitter that if you responded by direct messaging me with your address, you would get my book for free. Trouble is, the person I wanted to respond, didn’t. So I will be sending this person my book next week. I have to get a different mailer because the one I bought was too small. Who knew that a 6×9 mailer was too small for a 6×9 book! Pissed me off, I tell ya.

I started the review that I was thinking of writing. I got half a page done before I lost interest and didn’t know what else to say. I am going to have to read the article to get more ideas, and try not to put stuff that isn’t in the article in the review. I was writing and had the inspiration to add stuff about another article but stopped myself.

My boys are winning at the moment. It’s good because they have lost their last string of games. Last night was just terrible. 12-5 loss. I stopped listening to the game when the score was 11-2. It took 39 minutes for the Angels to score 9 runs. It was so pitiful and painful. I just tuned in and the Angels have changed three pitchers. I hate pitching changes because they take so long to get ready and pitch to the batter.

Sleep is really affecting my mood, well, lack thereof. I am getting really short tempered and my mood is so bad that I don’t want to do anything. It was good that I left the house today to go to Walgreens as I felt up to it. I don’t think I would have left the house otherwise. I have been spending so much time in my room doing nothing. I have been really bored and I keep looking at the mound of shit I have in front of my closet. I keep thinking of doing something about it but I get overwhelmed and don’t do anything. I keep trying to tell myself to do one thing, like remove a box or sweatshirt. If I keep doing at least one thing a day, maybe then it won’t be so overwhelming. But I don’t. I just keep staring at the mess and that is all I do.

My mood has taken a hit with the sleep loss. I feel more depressed than I usually do. It fortunately, has not affected my reading as I have been reading my Dostoevsky book. It is the one thing that is giving me pleasure at the moment. But it is hard to read at times because the author writes about nothing and then hits you with a left curveball. Last night I was reading stuff about cannibalism, something I never thought I would read. They were discussing it at Myshkin’s birthday party, which is an odd conversation considering the topic. The author just brought it up casually, talking about how people survived famines. It got me thinking, did this happen during the Irish famine, too? Just chilling talk.

I was invited to a chat last night by one of my Twitter buddies. Talk is about Borderline Personality Disorder. I hope that I can stay up late enough to participate. I don’t particularly like this chat because I tend to feel like my opinions get slashed down. But hopefully, that will change with this chat as I have my experience to go on.

bored to tears

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Tonight my mother will be making fish. I saw the heads and tails were still on them. I won’t be eating that tonight, because ewww. I know that is how they come but her having to dissect them just freaks me out. And it is tilapia, which I don’t particularly like anyways. It’s a very thin fish that just doesn’t taste very good after it’s been thawed out. I’d rather have cod or haddock.

I have been pretty bored today. And my foot is a jerk. Just when I wanted to take a shower to go out, it starts hurting really bad. All I did was move it a little bit and it explodes in pain. I had to wait for pain meds to calm it down some so I could shower. By the time I was done showering, my hip went on strike. I give up. I guess I am not going to go to Walgreens to see if they have the new Oreos S’Mores cookies. I will try again tomorrow.

I was looking for a photo mailer to mail a pic for a friend. I have been meaning to send it to him and I just came across it. I failed to find it, which is why I wanted to go to Walgreens, too. I need a couple of mailers as I have some stuff to send out. Why must pain always dictate what I do? It totally sucks. And seeing that I am incapacitated, I decided to write a review for a research article I came across while looking for the mailer. I must have at least three copies, if not more, of this article. I thought it was a good idea but then the pain meds turned my brain to mush. Now I can barely write this blog. I am kind of blunted in my thinking patterns. It also doesn’t help that my vision seems to be impaired. I have been having a hard time focusing today for some reason. I really think it is because I have been solely using single vision lenses for the past month and not my progressive glasses. I can’t wait till next week when I can order them. I really hope that they can make the lenses out of the existing frames that I have. I really don’t want to buy another set of frames. I have too many old pairs of glasses laying around my room. I am also hoping that if the glasses don’t cost me that much, I can get a new phone. My phone keeps acting up and it’s pissing me off. Yesterday my therapist was calling and it took four rings for the stupid call answer button to come on. I am just glad it didn’t go to voicemail by then. Usually the call answer button comes on before the number even registers but this time it was the reverse. I am so done with this phone. And if I can’t use it as a fricken phone, what is the point of it?? My therapist was kind of in distress last night. She doesn’t know what she did, but she erased all my text messages that I sent her. She was literally panicking when we were talking about it. I kept telling her it was ok, that I am sure it’s there but hidden some how. After we talked, I sent her a text of my latest short story. She said it was the only text from me. OOPS. I think she needs another phone, too, but that will give her super anxiety. I find it funny and I do laugh. She is just so anti-technology, I just don’t get it. I mean, I use my phone for emails, texts, Twitter, Facebook, and the main thing, a phone. She just uses it for texts and phone.

I am going to write the review for that article. It will be another blog post and I will share it with my therapist friends on Twitter. I haven’t written a review in some time and it will give me something to do. I have written about this article in other papers that I have written, but never solely on this material.

I thought about editing the blog I wrote the other day but didn’t. It just seems like I don’t have the brain power to get my thoughts coherent enough to put on paper. And it’s very hard to write when you have a foot that explodes just because it feels like it. Also sucks when you stand up and your hip decides to go wonky. I hate being in pain all the time, every single fucking day. It just takes so much out of me and I end up doing nothing. Then I am bored to tears. I just want to give up. Just take my life and end things so that I won’t be suffering anymore. Because me not even being able to write because my brain turns to mush due to the medications I have to take to control my pain, just sucks.