Tag: depression

Ohio State Wins Sugar Bowl!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Ohio State Wins Sugar Bowl!!

I didn’t write yesterday because I was so sleepy. I was only to up enough to watch part of the 3rd and 4th quarter of the OSU game. I saw the INT Bama threw that lead to a touchdown. I knew they were going to win then. This team is unbelievable. They beat the #1 seed in college football. I love them! I will be getting an OSU hat next month when my check comes in. I need it.

I don’t know if I will be going out today. I woke up with pain, not horrendous but enough to wake me up. And now my stomach is playing rolly polly. I feel so sick. I hardly ate anything yesterday, just a ham sandwich. Then I ate around midnight when I was watching the game. I had a bowl of cereal and then a bagel. I also had some chocolate. I think the chocolate is what is upsetting my stomach. I had some the other morning and for some reason, I got really sick after I ate it. It’s German chocolate, from Germany, that my friend gave me for Christmas when I saw her the other night. Chocolate has never caused me to feel sick, ever! I hope I am not getting a stomach bug. That would be terrible.

Four days till I talk to my therapist. I can’t wait. We have much to discuss and catch up on. I feel like it has been ages since we last talked but it has only been a week. I have been writing her letters which I hope to send out today. I just hope my stomach settles down. I also want to work on the blog thingy about the SSF and CAMS. I wrote to my therapist about the difficulties I have been having with this blog. I think I am putting too much pressure on myself because I want it to be liked by the mental health professionals that follow me on Twitter. I value their opinion very seriously. I think that is why I have been having a hard time writing. It’s because I don’t know what they are going to think that is bothering me. But I haven’t written anything so what is there to judge!? I think I am just stressing myself out for no reason. Once I have the paper written, then I can freak out. I just wish I could have the first sentence written so I can start the damn thing.

I need to take a shower today. I don’t know when it will be but I do need one. I can’t remember the last time I showered, which is a good reason to take one! I brushed my teeth yesterday. I changed my toothbrushes but even though they say “soft”, they feel hard. I might have to buy new ones.

It’s cold out, like 33 degrees but it feels like 28. I hate the cold, only because it can cause cramps in my back. I will be waiting for the bus for at least twenty minutes. That is a long time in the cold. I guess I will wear my Georgetown hoodie with my jacket. If I knew where I put my OSU hoodie, I would wear that, especially since they won last night. I don’t remember when I last wore it so it could be anywhere, in my office or in my room. Those are the only two places it could be. I haven’t seen it in my room so most likely it is in a pile of clothes in my office. One of these days, I will organize my clothes and hang them up and put it in the closet.

Today is a regular business day so the buses should be running on weekday schedule. I really don’t feel like having a latte though. Maybe I will make some chamomile tea before I leave the house. It is still early to be going to Starbucks. I have been up for two hours, playing my game and writing this blog.

I think I am depressed because I slept all day yesterday. I was just so damn sleepy. But then, I really didn’t sleep well the night before. I kept having to go to the bathroom every couple of hours, either to do #1 or #2. I didn’t even take anything so I don’t know why I was going at the wee hours of the morning. But when you got to go, you got to go!

I am so happy OSU won. I think there is one more championship game next week they will play. I don’t know if it is a bowl game or not. But I will find out soon enough.

Happy New Year’s Eve 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Happy New Year’s Eve 2015

If I said that I was going to work on my blog thingy today, that would be a mistake. I woke up really early because of pain and couldn’t go back to sleep until the afternoon. When I woke up, it was time for my sister’s party. I feel like I am getting no where with this. So I am just going to read about the civil war until something comes to me. I asked my writing partner about this and she told me to “marinate” so that is what I am going to do. If it doesn’t get done this week, it doesn’t get done.

I made a brief appearance at the party. I had some food, some alcohol, and then my ankle said goodnight. I had been standing on it for almost three hours. I couldn’t sit because there was really no place to sit. It was a full house to say the least. I talked with my various cousins about different things. Talked with my uncle and aunt about my pain issues and PT. Then the crown that I was drinking and my ankle had enough. It was also a million degrees in the house. My crazy sister was wearing a sleeveless shirt or dress then put on a fleece jacket as I am sweating bullets. I was like, you got to be kidding me! She was cold! In the HOT house! I couldn’t believe it. She is whacked. Now I am in my room and it is chilly. But I am still very tired and my pillow is calling me. I wish I could say that it was the alcohol, and it probably is, but I think being up at 0530 has something to do with it too. I hate that my sleep is still fucked up.

It’s still some time before midnight. I still haven’t taken my meds, but then I haven’t finished my crown either. I haven’t had that much. Just a little over a shot, so far. I have about half a shot left in my glass. I miss drinking crown. I used to drink it all the time. But I drank the last of it quite some time ago and just haven’t been to the liquor store to buy more. But then, I also haven’t had the extra cash to get it either. I do have gin, though.

I was talking with one of my cousins tonight about my book. He was more interested in the marketing of the book than the subject matter. He didn’t seem impressed that I published a book. Oh well, can’t please everyone. I have been surprised that I have been able to keep this from my father all this time. If he does know, he hasn’t mentioned it to me. But then he is so self absorbed that I doubt I am on his radar.

Hope you all have a Happy New Year and that 2015 is better than this one.

Cold Day, Visiting Friends

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Cold day visiting friends

I went out today to visit some friends I hadn’t seen in a while. I thought the visit went well. We shared some laughs, some good food. But when I came home, my ankle was swollen then the pain started and I haven’t been able to hold it back. I just took my pain meds with my night meds so hopefully that will work. It is really cold in my room for some reason, but warm in the rest of the house. I don’t know why this is. It is about only twenty degrees out. I froze my butt off waiting for the bus ride home. I just put on a sweatshirt and flannel pajamas for warmth. I really want to go to bed but thought I would write a little bit before turning in.

Despite going to two places to try and write, I got nothing written. I am so disappointed. I have the ideas circling but they just won’t come out. It is so frustrating. I think I am putting pressure on myself in trying to write this “thing”, but I know once I start working on it, I will feel better. My brain feels cooped up and if I don’t let it out, I might go crazy. I’m going to try tomorrow to write in my comfort zone, my bed, and see how that goes. I don’t know what else to do. Every time I close my eyes, words are there waiting to get plucked out. But soon as I see a blank page of paper or screen, poof, they are gone! My writing partner would say work on something else and then it will come to me. But I have tried that and it hasn’t helped me. I am getting frustrated and wish my therapist was here so we can talk about it. More so, I wish my psychiatrist was back in the office so I can SEE her. I emailed her yesterday but have not heard back. I am so frustrated with her too but there is nothing I can do about it. She has a broken hip and broken bones take time to heal.

I don’t talk with my therapist until next week. She is on vacation. I hate it when therapists are on vacations! I just need someone to talk to about my writing. My psychiatrist was always good in listening to me when I was writing a paper. She is always interested in what I write.

Promoting is hard work

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I remember this time last year, I was filled with anxiety about my book. I had done all I could do with the editing piece before my editor would actually read it. I had to wait almost four months before she would work on it and the waiting was filling me with doubts. This year, I am working hard on “selling” my book. It hasn’t been easy as I have no idea how to promote. I don’t have nor can afford an agent. I tried in September to get one and got no response. It has been a hard few months just selling two copies of my book a month, either via Kindle or paperback. Last month I had a promotion and sold 3 books on Kindle. It was the most I have sold since my book came out. In total, I think I have sold something like 70 books between the two formats. My goal was to reach 100 copies sold by year’s end. I still have a few months to go and I hope that it comes easily. I am hashtagging the crap out of it on Twitter, the only social media that I know of. I also use my blog but it doesn’t get more than twenty views a day and most of the time, it is not on the blog link. Even if people read my book page, they don’t click on the link to get it. It is very frustrating. I am glad I have other income or I would be screwed.

My physical therapy appointment got cancelled early this morning. They called before eight to say that my therapist was sick! Talk about courtesy. So I went to Starbucks even though it killed my back. I really wanted to work on a new blog for CAMS/SSF. I got overwhelmed with the first chapter alone so only wrote so much. It’s a lot of information and I know that I will be writing at least 1500 words for this. I want to make it count as there are at least 5 therapists that follow my blog and Twitter account. So I want to write a good blog. I know my perfectionism is what is getting in the way.

I have decided that in the new year, I am getting 90 day supply of my medication because dishing out $70 for 1 month supply every month is getting to me. Hopefully my doc will allow it. I know that my pain meds and Ativan can’t be 90 day supply but that is just two of the twelve meds that I take. I have a new prescription carrier for the new year so hopefully it will actually save me money, in the end. I am spending more on my meds than groceries or food. Luckily, I got Starbucks money for Christmas and my birthday so I don’t have to dish out $25/mth for a while. I am glad my mother gave me cash for Christmas because I am short on getting my blood pressure med this month. There are some meds I can sacrifice, but I can’t do that with my blood pressure. Last thing I need is a stroke.

I really need to take a shower today. I leaked on the way home and I smell. Fucking hate when I leak and I don’t realize it until I go to the bathroom. On the other hand, I haven’t gone to do #2 in a few days so I am not looking forward to going. I took a laxative a couple of hours ago so I go sometime tonight I hope. Just another pill I have to take. And with me taking increased pain meds, I need to be regular. I can’t believe I was so stupid in forgetting to take the senna. But I have been playing the “what I feel like taking, I’m taking” game because I didn’t fill my pill box for the week. I filled it about an hour ago so I don’t have to play that game this week. Some how last night I forgot to take my hormone pill. I don’t even remember if I took my pills last night so it’s good I filled the box. I hope I don’t have my menses because I missed a pill. I will be so bullshit!

My mood kind of sucks today. It took me forever to get organized for the blog that I am writing. I should really call it a paper or review, as that is mostly what I am doing. I can’t believe that I haven’t written, in detail, about the SSF or CAMS before now. I tried to find it in my book but I just gave a brief overview of what they are. I want this paper to be more detailed. But it’s exhausting me because there is so much information, and Jobes had the same ideas that I did, though not exactly at the same time. He was able to come up with something brilliant and useful. I just am promoting his ideas. And promoting as I have learned with my book, is hard work!