Tag: depression

Hip is on Fire

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Hip on fire

I woke up in pain again this morning. My hip just felt like it was on fire. I am so tired of being in pain every morning. Just when I think I am getting better, I take two steps back. I managed to get to the pharmacy to get my pain medication refilled. I desperately needed it as I took my last two this morning. Then it took forever for me to wake up. I planned on going soon as it opened at 10 am but I didn’t get out of bed until around 1330. I just couldn’t move. I also have been taking Ativan to calm down the damn spasms I have been having too. I just can’t win and I am tired of losing.

Tonight, I participated in the BPDChat on Twitter. I was using Tweetchat to participate but something was wrong with it as only my tweets were posting and no one else’s. I had to go to the main Twitter page to see everyone’s responses and comments. I should have just left and laid down and rest. I plan on doing that after I write this blog. I need to lie down. Sitting is getting almost impossible and despite taking pain meds, I am still hurting. I wish I could say that it is because I did X that caused this but I didn’t do anything. I didn’t lift anything. I just sneezed and threw my back out. Plus with this cough, I think I made things worse.

My mood sucks right now. I really am feeling like a piece of shit. I know my not sleeping right is also contributing to my sour mood. Tomorrow I have physical therapy and I don’t care if I don’t go. I really don’t feel like it. But I will go because it will get me out of the house. I just hope that I will be able to walk to get there. Lately, my hip/back has been giving me trouble walking. And going down the stairs is like I am tearing something. This really sucks.

I wrote my therapist a letter this morning. It was long as I was really tired and I was falling asleep as I was writing it. I just gave her a brief update to what was happening. I write her a letter every time she goes on vacation. Hopefully this time I will have it in the mail so she gets it when she is back in the office. I really miss her. I still don’t know when my pdoc is going to be back in the office. I hope it is soon. Guess I will find out after the holidays.

I really want to write a blog about the SSF and CAMS model. I realized that I don’t really talk in detail about them. I mention them in my blog but don’t go into great detail about them. I think it will be a good blog for therapists to have. And I have a few therapists that follow my blog.

I am really tired. Meds are working and I should be toast right now but I am fighting the fatigue like I always do. I have to take a shower sometime between now and tomorrow morning. I hate showering lately. But it’s something that has to happen. It just sucks when you are in pain with a bad back. Any standing motion just triggers more pain and spasms. It just really sucks. I should be getting better by now but for some reason, I am not. I don’t know why. It is really stressing me out. I am going to put a heating pad sticky on tonight to see if that helps. I figure it can’t hurt me. I would put my heating pad on but I really don’t want another thing on my bed. My bed is becoming more my office than a sleeping place. I have notepads, my laptop, journal, pens, a notebook, and a box of tissues. I also have my therapist’s card that I read to remind myself of what she said to me that means so much. I really value her words. I just wish they would sink in. But they don’t so, I have to keep reading them, if that makes sense. I can’t sit any longer so I am going to stop here.

Just Another Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Just Another Saturday

I didn’t think I was going to leave my bed today. My back pain was horrible. Even despite taking my pain meds, I was in agony. But once I started moving, I felt a little bit better. I got dressed without too much pain and trekked to my father’s to do his medication for the week. Seems I am the only one that knows how to do it. He drove me crazy today. I still have a cough and he wanted me to take some “aspirins” (which were really Tylenol). I told him I didn’t need them as I wasn’t running a fever or feeling sick. He is a dumb bastard when it comes to illnesses. I really started getting pissed off when he got the bottle and kept shaking them in my face. God, he is so fucking annoying. I can’t take them because I already took the pills before leaving my house. Last thing I need is a damn Tylenol overdose.

I finally left after an hour when my sister was done with his laundry. When I came home, I ordered Chinese food as I was starving and played my game. I am really getting annoyed with my players. They are so whiny. They bitch about not getting stuff, or the have to tell their whereabouts all the time as to why they can’t play the game. Who gives a fuck! We all need stuff for this game that needs 100 things for one mission. We all are struggling to keep up and not get behind. I have decided that if one more person complains about not getting stuff, I am going to block them. I am so tired of hearing it. It’s one thing to get frustrated with the game and “legit” complain, it is quite another to constantly complain you aren’t getting your crops. If you get 20, be grateful you got the 20, and shut up about it. Request it tomorrow so you can get another 20. The game only allows so much giving anyways, which makes it so difficult to get the stuff we need. So if you have 100 neighbors, you are lucky to get half that amount a day. I know not every neighbor returns the favor but that is their problem. Karma will get them.

I still am having a bad back and I don’t like it. I don’t know why it has gotten worse the last couple of days. The weather has been fair, no rain or really cold weather. It has been quite warm so I have been wearing shorts around the house because my mother refuses to turn down the heat. Going out to my father’s really exhausted me. It’s so damn hard doing things when you are in severe pain. I have been fighting the urge to go take a nap since finishing my dinner. I just want to lie down and sleep but I know that if I do, I will be up sometime in the wee hours of the morning and then my sleep cycle will get fucked. It’s bad enough that I am waking up between 0345 and 0445 every morning in pain. I don’t know how, but I have been waking up on my back instead of on my side and my back doesn’t like it one bit. And then to turn over, OMG. It is just torture. I still don’t understand why I am in so much pain. Doc says it’s just a pulled muscle. Great. I want to be better NOW. I can’t take being in pain every damn day. It just drives the suicide demons. And the last thing I want is another dumb hospitalization. Because face it, they don’t help you with dealing with stuff. I wish I could say that they help give you skills to deal with your physical illness but they don’t. They just give you stupid coping skills dealing with your mental stuff, if you can decipher it from the papers they give you. And most of the work is based on YOU doing the work. When you are already passed your limits, it is extremely difficult to work on you. You just want to rest. Like I do, right now. But I keep this blog going because it keeps me going. I really wasn’t going to write a blog today. I just wanted to shut the light off and go under the covers to sleep.

Sometime in the next week, I have to go to the post office and get some Wilt Chamberlain stamps. I had asked my sister to get them for me for either my birthday or Christmas and she didn’t comply. She thought it was dumb to give stamps. Whatever. I will get them either way.

One Great Mystery

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

One Great Mystery

“One Great Mystery” is a new song off Lady Antebellum’s new album, 747. It’s lyrics has struck a cord with me as I don’t know what I did to make my therapist “fall for me”. Tonight I am reminded of the time, many years ago, that I first encountered her stubbornness. I was in another suicidal depression and I so wanted to get rid of her. I felt like therapy was worthless because I was feeling such things. I was so into my suicidal mind that I was planning for my death and yet I wanted to make sure she was taken cared of. So the journal that I subscribed to had an article in it on therapists survivor group. She wouldn’t even accept the paper I was handing her, she couldn’t accept my eminent death, much less going to see a therapist for her grief. She really didn’t want me to die. Yet with every fiber of my being, I wanted to. I just couldn’t face life. It hurt too much. I was tired, extremely tired of fighting the battle of depression month after month, day in and day out. It is exhausting just putting a smile on your face when all you want to do is hide from the world. Yet somehow, some way, she got me through that episode. It was difficult work. I was almost as stubborn as she is. I had to consistently keep in contact with her via text message about how I was doing. I would write her the most awful of text messages. But it was a way to let her know I was still around. Long as I sent her a text, it meant I was still fighting this battle I so wanted to end.

During one horrific suicidal place that lasted for about three long weeks, I asked her if she would tell me that she loved me. I needed to hear that if I was to survive. So toward the end of session she would say it, and it would always surprise me. I was taken aback that she complied. Who does that?? And I could tell in her voice she was sincere. I knew that I had to keep on doing this thing called living. It’s like the song by Garth Brooks, “learning to live again”. One of the lines is “learning to live again is killing me”. And it was. I can’t describe the battle of death vs life that was going inside of me. I so wanted to die but I had my goofy therapist wanting me to live. My “kids” that needed me for their various things. And my sisters who need a person to vent to. When I was working, it was always responsibility to my job, though I planned on killing myself at work because I hated the place. Even though they tried to promote they were for taking care of your pain, they really didn’t. If I didn’t have a caring PCP, I would be screwed. I know that I would have ended my life years ago had my PCP turn me down for opioid therapy.

My therapist knew this. She and my psychiatrist know that my physical pain drives my suicidal tendencies to the limit. And when I don’t have a break, I get into a very depressive state that is hard to get out. Luckily, with my last hospitalization I was put on an antidepressant. If I wasn’t on it, I doubt it would have lifted my depression and suicidal thoughts.

But my therapist is great, as much as I call her a bozo and a PITA (pain in the ass). I know I wouldn’t be here without her persistent nature.

Christmas 2014

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Christmas 2014

Hope every one has a safe and happy Merry Christmas.

I spent the morning with my nieces and nephew. My sweet tooth was raving and my niece gave me some of her lemon yogurt cookies. They were the bomb! Went so nice with my tea. I am still sick, with a damn cough that is making me feel miserable and when I went back upstairs, I got a migraine. Lovely thing to wake up to. I have been up since 0445. Woke up to back pain. So my day isn’t going like I wanted it to. But I am looking forward to my Christmas meal.

I didn’t write a blog yesterday. I had a case of the sleepies. I just have been so tired lately all I want to do is sleep. For some reason, I have been waking up before 0600 the past few days and I guess the sleep deprivation has caught up with me.

I need to call my cousin and thank her for my birthday and Christmas card gifts. I also need to go to Walgreens sometime today and get more Nyquil and Advil. I forgot to get those items when I went to CVS yesterday.

Think I will take a shower and then go to the store. It is warm out. The first time in a long time it is 60 degrees for Christmas. It is going to be warm the next few days, which is really odd for December. But I will take it, better than snow.

My sister gave me Lady Antebellum’s latest CD. I love it. And it has a song that clicks with my therapist and I. I can’t wait to give her the lyrics. I plan on writing her a letter while she is away. I do this every vacation. It helps to write while she is away because I miss her so much. I still haven’t heard any word on when my pdoc will be back in the office. I really, really miss her. This is the longest absence we have had since her maternity leave, and that was 20 years ago! We have been communicating via email but it isn’t the same. I wish I could talk to her. I miss her so very much.

There was a gentleman on the train last week that was reading a book on the Civil War. The print was too small for me to get the author but I memorized the cover, and tried in vain, to find it on Amazon. After using different title searches and looking through more than ten pages of books, I found it. It belongs in a volume and costs like $100. I so want this. I am going to try and save some money over the next few months to get it. It is funny because the day before, I swore I wasn’t going to buy anymore books as I have several that are waiting to be read, in addition to those that I have started. There is a Civil War book that I am reading now but it is so damn slow. It took me 276 pages just to get to the year 1860 and another hundred pages to get to the start of the war and the start of Lincoln’s presidency. Just for the year 1861 was about 150 pages. I am going crazy with this book. If I had known they were going to draw out the time, I probably would not have purchased it. I bought it because I thought it detailed the Civil War battles, which it does, though the North and South called the same battle different names, so it can be a little confusing.

I still need to do my review of the book, “Managing Suicidal Risk”. I plan on doing that next week as the only appointment I have is for PT and then I am free to do whatever I want. I got my Starbucks money again, and that should last me a while. I can’t wait to sit in Starbucks for a couple of hours again. I miss being out.