Tag: depression

Pens and Coffee

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicidality

Pens and Coffee

I waited almost an hour for the bus to the square today. It was snowing and freezing cold. Luckily, it wasn’t windy or it would have been more cold. I don’t know why the bus was late. I didn’t get the text alert for it being late until I got to my destination. If I didn’t have to put in some paperwork for my student loans, I wouldn’t have ventured out today.

Starbucks had a new latte, which I had today. It was different than a normal latte. I added hazelnut syrup to it so it had some taste. The barista that made it has not tried it yet and wanted my opinion. Once you got past the overwhelming espresso taste on the first sip, it was pretty good. It is called a Flat White latte. It was expensive though, so I don’t think I will order it again. It cost about a dollar more than a regular latte. I am still waiting for them to come out with a good Clover coffee. They have new ones and I want my java back! I hope the spring time coffees bring it back. I miss having a Clover coffee.

There was hardly any seats available at the place when I got in. An old man was hogging up three seats across from him. He got very rude and indignant when I tried to sit down in from of him. I told him he was wrong and walked away. Luckily, a person was leaving so I took her seat, at the end of the long table. I couldn’t believe the nerve of that guy. He made me very angry. He could have been more polite and I think that is what made me angry, his rudeness.

After I settled in my new spot, I got out my reading material and notebook for the blog post. I then realized I forgot to bring a pen with me. I can’t believe I left the house without a pen. It’s like the AMEX card, I never leave home without one. But this time I did because I changed jeans and didn’t check the pockets before leaving my room. Luckily, my bag had my favorite pen. It had actually several, which was good. The first pen I chose however was blue ink and I can’t stand writing in blue when the rest of my notebook is in black ink. Yes, I am particular about the inks and pens I use. The second choice was the one kind that I have been using the past several years. I use Uniball Jetstream pens, black ink, for the past several years. I love them so much, I that it is the only type of pens I buy. I used to buy different kinds, from gel inks, ball point pens, etc. but now have settle on the Jetstream brand. I was browsing through Amazon and found that they came out with a BLX kind that I am hoping to get my next paycheck. These have different color tops but are the same black ink. They look really cool! But I digress…

I did some work on my blog post. It is so hard trying to write about this stuff because it means so much to me. I hope the Mental Health Professionals (MHPs) that read this blog take some information from it and use it in their practice. I have realized today, that it’s not going to be a short blog. There is no way it can be. There is just too much information to share. I love working on this as it is refreshing my memory on what it’s like being in research. And I am learning more about the SSF’s inner workings than ever before.

Today, while I was sitting at Starbucks, I had a pang of suicidality. I can’t help but think why am I still here. I don’t want to be here, at all. Yet I continue to be alive for whatever reason. My writing partner said that I am here because I have things that keep me here. I will also be fighting my suicidality, which is the main reason I found the SSF and Jobes’ work. I really don’t think I will be here if I didn’t find that article by Dr. Shneidman. I would have fell into despair and given into the statistics of all the reasons why I should be dead. Because, after all, everyone is a statistic in one shape or form. But as my writing partner and therapist have stated, I am the outlier. I still haven’t figured out where that point of data lies though..

Email Problems

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Email problems

So apparently I am no longer getting notifications of my MSN account to my phone and Google Chrome doesn’t notify me either of new messages. I sometimes get a message when I sign in my laptop, but that doesn’t happen all the time. My psych emailed me back and I think she was pissed that I was frustrated with her. Now I am miffed. Prior to me sending her my last email, I sent her 2 and had no response. So yes, I am frustrated with her and feel like she isn’t answering my emails. I told her I miss her and something to the effect like email contact just sucks. It has been almost three months since I last saw her. We used to have biweekly contact so not hearing from her kind of stinks. (For those that are new reading my blog, she broke her hip before Halloween.)

I haven’t done anything today except play my annoying game, which just sent out a new timed mission. I haven’t clicked on it to see what it is about. I might forgo it.

I just got a migraine from hell. I think I used too much pepper in my eggs that I had for lunch. My head is killing me. I really want to nap but I already slept till 2 today, after being up at 545 am. I fear that if I sleep, I will wake up around 2100 and then I won’t sleep till who knows what hour. Maybe I should have some coffee. I haven’t had any caffeine today so maybe that is why I got the migraine from hell.

Once the migraine goes away, I think I will type up my notes for the blog post that I am working on. Funny, I had a dream that there was a CAMS chat on Twitter in a few days time and I was like I have to do this blog before then, in like two days time. I was with a high school friend and she got annoyed that I was ignoring her when I got the tweet about the chat. We were in my house that I grew up in. I don’t know why I keep dreaming about this house. Seems like every dream lately has this house in it. I am either in the kitchen or living room in these dreams. So strange. Got to ask my therapist what it means when I talk with her tomorrow. I hope we have time for everything I need to talk with her about. We also have a session on Wednesday in case we do run out of time. Seems like every time she goes away, things build. I try writing her letters and mailing them when she is back in the office. It really stinks not seeing her, too. But I got to see her on my birthday so that was good. For those new reading my blog, my therapist is 30 miles away from me and I don’t have a car. She used to have an office in the town next to mine, which is where we first started seeing each other. But then she had a child and it was difficult commuting back and forth, especially during the harsh winters we have been having. She doesn’t have email so I snail mail her letters. I just got her to start texting me back, so that is some progress, technologically at least. I know she has an iPhone but doesn’t know how to use it. I think it is a 3 and as long as it works, she is not going to upgrade. I really wish she would someday get email but she barely has time to read my blog post some days.

Fuck it, I think I am going to take a nap.

Sunday with no (Pats) football

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, chronic physical pain

My Pats aren’t playing today. I have to wait till Saturday. Boo. So I went to my father’s to do his medication for the week. I still don’t think he is taking his meds, and I yelled at him today for not taking his water pill every day. It’s one thing to miss one pill, but a whole week? That is just not acceptable! I know I am not 100% compliant with my meds, there are days that I don’t take all my 12 pills a day but that is ONE day, not 6! I know the consequences of not taking my medication. Unfortunately, my father doesn’t.

I have been slowly blocking people on Facebook that are my gamer friends because they are annoying as all hell. They play the game religiously and if you “cheat” they tell on you, like you did something dreadfully wrong. Personally, I don’t know how you can “cheat” with this game, unless you buy horseshoes to advance in the missions. But then, it’s their money and who am I to say what to do with it. So this person I just blocked because he kept on divulging the “cheaters”. I also blocked people that said they played the game but haven’t in more than a month. I play this game when I can. And now they have a timed mission that you have to plant crops that are 12 hours to harvest. The game gives you two weeks to complete the mission. In addition to the crops, there are some other things you have to complete that I know is going to take longer than 2 weeks. But I play because I like the challenge. I am not working, nor do I have to worry about short timed crops because for the next two weeks I will just have longer timed crops.

Which should leave me plenty of time to work on this blog that I am slowly picking away at. Right now I don’t think it makes much sense. I got the bibliography done the other night. Now I just need to write up my notes and I think I will have a paper. The hardest thing about this is that there is so much information that I am trying to condense into a smaller portion of so people can look at the book for more information. I have started with the history and moved to the theory and then the assessment tool. It is a little overwhelming to me as I have not done something like this in quite some time. I feel like I am writing an essay for a group of professors that might reject it (my Twitter audience).

My mood has been up and down since coming home from my father’s. I really want to drink but I know that won’t solve anything. My ankle just exploded after I cooked my dinner. I think I stood too long between waiting for the bus and then cooking just pushed it to the limits. I fucking hate not being able to stand for any length of time. I don’t see how physical therapy is going to help me. I am just so pissed off that the therapist canceled and I didn’t get a rescheduled appointment. I was just told to wait two weeks. GGRRRR. I just had enough of being in pain, every single day. It’s really wearing me out. I have no energy to fight it anymore. I just pop some pills and continue doing whatever I am doing until the side effects knock me out. You would think that after being on the same medication for years you would be immune to side effects but nope. Not happening. Drives me fucking nuts.

CAMS preview

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychology, psychosis, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt, suicide attempt survivor

Jobes

For those wondering, here is what a future blog post of CAMS is about. I will be writing more about this and the SSF in greater detail.