Tag: depression

serious pain 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, chronic physical pain

Back still out

I have been waiting patiently for my back to be normal but I don’t think it is going to happen quickly. It is not hurting me more but it’s not hurting less. I can move a little more, albeit gingerly, but I am moving. I think a few more days rest and I will be okay. I know once I get my pain medication on Friday, things will be much better. Right now I am rationing what I have left because I have so few. If the pain kicks up a bit, I might have to take the stronger pain medication. I hate to do that because I haven’t been moving my bowels the way that I should. Taking this medication basically puts my bowels in a bind, literally. And it is painful to get things moving again.

It is difficult to sit right now, so I didn’t write a blog yesterday. I was in too much pain to sit long enough to type up something. Nothing unusual happened yesterday, except that I couldn’t move without pain, which is similar to today. I did order my burger, which was excellent. I really am glad I had something sustaining as my appetite has been awful the last few days. My mother made cherry tarts today. I hope that I will be able to have one later. I love my sweets. I brought up some skittles to munch on while I am recuperating but they are far from my reach.

I have so much to do yet I don’t want to do anything but lay in bed. Course being in pain isn’t helping matters. I haven’t been in the mood to read, though I have put my books on my bed in case I get inclined to do so. My therapist was shocked to hear that I haven’t had any caffeinated drinks in about a week now. I haven’t made it to Starbucks and I don’t have any cream to make coffee at home. Plus, I really haven’t been craving coffee products. Right now, I just been concentrating on how to get well so I can move around better.

I thought I lost my phone in my sheets but it was downstairs. The trip downstairs caused me to lose some spoons. I can no longer move upright. So I am going to stop here and rest. Till tomorrow.

Serious Pain 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Serious Pain 2

Going on day 2 of not being able to move. Back has seized up making it difficult for any movement. This sucks so bad. I did okay going to my appointment until the last bus I was on stopped short and set off a pain attack. That was fun as I could hardly move to get off the bus. Then walking home from the bus stop took me forever because I was walking short strides, hunched back. I felt like an old crooked man walking down the street.

Well, I didn’t think it was going to be possible, but I am finally tired of listening to 1989 after listening to it straight for a week. I am listening to “Springsteen” by Eric Church right now. It is refreshing to listen to some old music.

This cold still won’t let me be. My throat is still sore and I am congested. Luckily, I haven’t moved to the cough phase of the cold and I hope I don’t as that will surely delay my back getting well.

I had a quick appointment with the NP today. I just told her I needed a refill on my pain meds and she briefly looked at my ankle and wrote up the script. Then she asked for a urine sample. Shit. I couldn’t go so I will have to give one on my next visit. If I had the time to get my coffee, I probably could have gone but there was no way I was going to waste spoons getting it while my back is out of commission.

I heard the verdict for the Ferguson case. I hope that people there stay safe.

I have therapy tomorrow and for once, I am glad that I don’t have to get out of bed to have it. I could barely get undressed when I came home this afternoon. I still am in a lot of pain as I am writing this. What is worse is that I cracked my back when I was getting in bed after I had my dinner. I don’t know how I did it. But man did it hurt. I haven’t been in this much pain since my before my surgery in 2006. I hope I didn’t do anything to my discs. I hope it is just a muscle spasm that will go away with rest and medication. But even though I don’t really do anything all day, it still is hard just to lay down and do nothing. Sitting while playing with my laptop brings me some pain but nothing like standing and walking does.

It was in the 60s today. I am really hot in my flannel PJs and want to change but that will require spoons that I don’t have anymore. So I am just going to stay in them with the covers off. I have to get my wedge to put my feet up. I know that will relieve the pressure on my back and take some off so I can feel a little better. But I don’t know if I can stand up again to grab it. I wish I had someone to get it for me, even though it is just a foot and half from my bed. I was able to reach it with my grabber!! Whoohoo!! I love this thing! It is the best invention ever!! Now I just hope that I can lay on my back with my feet up for the rest of the night. I doubt it because I am such a side sleeper but even if I rest with my feet up for a few hours, that should give me enough relief.

It’s getting late and I think I should be getting to bed. I don’t think I can sit any longer. So thank you for reading.

Serious Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

Serious pain

Yesterday, I sneezed and threw out my back. Today my back is still out and I am unable to stand straight without severe pain. Having this bloody cold is not helping my case. I only get relief from pain if I am lying down or sitting without moving any lower extremity muscles. I have taken my pain killers and muscle relaxants but they have not provided me with any real relief. And I am worried that I won’t be able to make my doctor’s appointment tomorrow with the dumb NP. I need to make this appointment because I need to get a refill on my pain meds. I am trying not to worry about it, thinking tomorrow is another day and I might be able to move better than I can right now. I hope so anyway. I haven’t been in this much pain since before my last surgery. It sucks not being able to move. I have tried to do the normal back exercises to ease some of the tension but they just cause me more pain. I really hope I didn’t move a disc out of whack. Last night, I got really paranoid that I was getting CES again because my left leg kept going numb on me. It is okay now and the pain is lessening, but I just need a few more days of rest before going out again. I don’t think I have that much time as I have just about 16 hours before my appointment. I don’t know what this dumb NP is going to do when I tell her I am in pain because I pulled my back out. I hope she doesn’t do the leg lifts because that will just aggravate my nerves like it always does. I am always paranoid when I hurt my back and they want to raise my legs. It aggravates my sciatic nerve and then I really won’t be able to walk out of the office. For now I am just going to relax the rest of the night and hope my bladder doesn’t get too full again that I need to use the bathroom. I just want to rest for a couple of hours straight and hope it helps me.

I missed the BPD chat tonight. I really wanted to attend but this damn pain is limiting my sitting time. Plus my dinner was ready around half way through the chat anyways. It took me a long time to get down the stairs and to eat. I didn’t even finish it all because I just wasn’t that hungry. My appetite with this cold and pain has limited my eating. I had to force myself to finish the scrambled eggs I made for lunch.

I wish I had a ride to the hospital tomorrow. That would help me greatly but I don’t. (My outpatient appointment is at the local hospital.) And I don’t have money for a cab. This just sucks. I hope I am better tomorrow. I hate being in this much pain.

Last night I came across something I wrote a while ago. I don’t know when I wrote it as I didn’t put a date on it. I hate when I don’t do that. But the content was something Hyde might have written. I got one comment on it, it said that I should “live”. Obviously, this person doesn’t know that I struggle with wanting to die on a consistent basis. The blog was called “don’t call me daughter”. I felt that was fitting as I know my mother is never going to call me her son. And that hurts me to no end. It just makes me want to die all the more because I know I will never be seen as a boy to her. She will never understand me. It hurts knowing this. She can tolerate my tomboyish features but won’t tolerate my facial hair or short boy hair cuts. My cousin has stopped cutting my hair because he doesn’t want to deal with the backlash from my mother. He still styles my hair in a “female” fashion and won’t go below a 2 on the clippers. Drives me nuts.

What drives my suicidality up lately has been pain and no sleep. I think taking the baclofen has helped my sleep. I just wish it helped my pain as well. Once my pain is under control, my suicidality decreases. But right now, with my back being out of sorts, I am kind of wishing I was dead. I hate being in this much pain and nothing helping me. It is making me feel hopeless. And feeling hopeless and suicidal is not a good mix. I hope that I can go to my appointment tomorrow and not be in horrific pain like I am in now. It will really suck because the office is a ways from the T stop.

Just found out one of my high school friends lost her mother last night. She had been battling cancer for sometime now and I guess her time was up. I feel bad for her. My friend is my sister’s age. I can’t imagine losing my mother, even though I can’t stand her at times. Sending out good thoughts and prayers to her family tonight.

Back Pain Be Damned

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Back Pain Be Damned

My back went out today after a couple of sneezes. I decided that despite the pain and limited movement, I was going to get my latte anyway. I took a pain pill and an anti-spasm med and got dressed gingerly. I still have this cold that refuses to let me go. I am getting better but every morning, I awake with severe congestion. If my college football game was on national TV, I probably would have stayed home and watched it than go out with a sore back. Luckily, there was no jerking on the bus rides to and from my home to cause me more discomfort. Walking is really difficult but sitting is ok, least for now.

I brought my prompt questions with me to write for my book but I’m not in the mood to answer them. The pain is too great. I am handwriting this blog to type up later while I drink my toffee nut latte. So back pain be damned! I’m tired of pain limiting my routine and taking away the one joy in my life–Starbucks. I need my coffee/latte to bring me happiness at least for a little while.

I am home now and my back pain has worsened to the point that I can’t stand up straight. Tonight is my 20th year reunion. I won’t be attending. I am in too much pain. It is one thing to go to Starbucks in agony, quite another to spend the night with friends and pretend to have a good time when you are hurting so much. And standing just about kills me so I really cannot attend. This will be the first reunion that I will be skipping.

Funny how when you hurt your back, people come up with the usual questions on how did you hurt it, what you should do for it, etc. I have thrown my back out many times over the years. I know that rest and pain meds are the best solution to it, besides putting my feet up on my wedge while lying down. It helps relieve the pressure on my discs and relaxes the muscles. A heating pad is also helpful, though I can’t really reach mine right now because it is in my third drawer in my bureau. I just can stoop that low to grab it so maybe after the pain pills work, I can get it. Heat can just relax away the stiffness that I feel.

My blog numbers are getting higher and I just realized that I am no closer to my “managing suicidal risk” book review than I was before my 900th blog. I have to start re-reading the book so I can tell you how awesome it is. Then I can post the review on Amazon and send it to Dr. Jobes. I am sure he will love that.

Aside from my back hurting me, my mood is somewhat low. I feel really depressed that I can’t move without pain. My back pain is actually worse than my ankle pain is right now. So I am listening to 1989 to try and cheer myself up, but it doesn’t seem to be working. I hate when I get like this. A friend from Virginia called me tonight to check in on me and I was happy to hear from him. He said my name popped into his head as the sun was going down. I thought that was sweet of him to call me. I miss him. I don’t know if I could ever live in Virginia, maybe temporarily, say for grad school. But I really want to get my PhD from University of Illinois, Urbana/Champagne. I love their campus, but at this point, where ever I get accepted, I will go, provided I have the funds. I basically have to win the lottery to go to grad school at this point. It is very expensive and I can’t get loans because I totally fucked up my student loans. I don’t think I will ever be able to get out from under. And it depresses me more because I am just stuck. That is the worst part of dealing with depression is feeling stuck and knowing you can’t do anything about it. I can’t even finish my Bachelor’s degree because I just can’t afford it. I should try and see if I can get a grant or something, especially as now I am on disability. Maybe I will do that on Monday.