Tag: depression

horrible feeling

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, psychosis

I was supposed to type up a blog tonight about things but never got to so I will post it another time.

I got a little crazy last night, actually, more impatient because I wasn’t falling asleep fast enough. I was really tired and took my meds but my damn brain just wouldn’t shut off. Then I got really paranoid. I still believe a fellow blogger is after me though I know that is highly unlikely. I just can’t help feel that this person is out to get me, and is watching what I say I do through the web. I know part of this is because I missed taking my meds the beginning of the week. Not taking the pink pill really does a number on me when I don’t take it. My therapist wants me in the hospital. Pisses me off because other than babysitting me, what the hell are they going to do?? I have to give the meds time to work. Sure they can drug me up good like the last time I was there but I don’t want that. They had me on almost 12 mg of trilafon at one point because I was paranoid WHILE in the hospital. I thought the staff was going to harm me and wanted to barricade myself in my room. But I thought if I did that, how would my roommates get to their stuff and bed so I didn’t. I told the contact person, who made me get some PRNs and I got drugged up some more. I hated it. The regular voices that I had went bye-bye and I was all alone. I hated it.

I told myself that if I became psychotic again, I wouldn’t let my therapist or psychiatrist talk me into going in the hospital. I will do whatever it takes to avoid another hospitalization. Right now, I am trying not to obsess about my stats too much. I don’t know why I have to be such a nerd. I check my blog stats, I check my sales stats, it’s always stats. And I did poorly in the class that I took. I never understood, and still don’t, know what the numbers really mean. It took me hours to get it. Now, I understand a little more but I really just look at sample size and the P value of things rather than percentages and graphs. I hate graphs. I always had a hard time making them in college. I could never get the Y and X values right. I always mixed them up so my graph looked stupid.

I had therapy today. My therapist is worried about me. A few bloggers are too. I just hate feeling this way. I just want to end it and I don’t have a real good explanation on why I want to die. Is that terrible? I just published my book and now I want to die. What does that say? No one knows how I feel. I just feel fucking crazy right now. The voices keep telling me I am being watched. It’s a horrible feeling. Hope that it only takes a few PRNs to make them go away.

human barometer

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Had a long day. Woke up early, didn’t eat anything most of the day and then got a migraine. Been on and off gagging so should have known to take my migraine pill with me but sometimes it just turns out to be post nasal drip. I never know when I am going to have a migraine.

I feel a little bit better now that I had something to eat and taken my meds. But I feel wicked wiped out. Guess I will be going to bed early tonight as there is no way I can stay up late after being up at fricken six.

I feel really poorly. Like someone popped the balloon I was in. I don’t know why I feel this way. Maybe it is just because I am over tired. I am so glad I no longer work. Because if I had to do a shift, I think I would cry. I am hurting in all kinds of ways. I almost started bawling while watching the old TV show Emergency. I don’t know why. But I caught myself.

I got my second proof today and I do NOT like it. I should have kept things the way they were with proof one. But it’s ok, long as some jerk doesn’t criticize me for my formatting faults. Course, I am my own worse critic.

I sold my first ten copies today. Four more came in and I am very happy about that so I don’t understand why I am so blue. I am glad I have therapy tomorrow. I also tried getting an appt with my pdoc. But she hasn’t answered my email. I will give her till tomorrow to answer and then I will send another. She is bound to answer one of them. Though, if she is in email jail, it might take her a while to get back to me. I am so glad I don’t have to worry about email jail anymore. I used to be in it so often, it would drive me crazy. At least once a week, usually on a Saturday when we had downtime, I would clean out my inbox to make room for new stuff.

But that was when I was working. Now, with my private email, I don’t have to worry about being in jail.

I completed the paperwork that my long term disability required, sealed the envelope, and then realized I skipped a section I was supposed to fill out. FUCK. I wanted to go back to it but I really just wanted to stuff the envelope and be done with it. It has been sitting in my “inbox” for at least a week already. Luckily, because I have not gotten paid anything from my book sales, I don’t have to declare it. And it’s not a salary with a W2 form so I don’t think I do have to declare it. Not that it is much right now. I have made less than hundred dollars. LOL My book is a hit! NOT. I hope one day it will be, but maybe the first one doesn’t sell well and the second will.

I already started working on my second book. Yea, I know I said I wasn’t ready for it but I am BORED. I have NOTHING to do with my time, except for going to Starbucks to journal. And that takes only three to four hours out of my day. I need something to do other than scroll through Facebook every ten minutes.

It’s really windy today. I nearly lost my baseball cap at least once today. But the weather was beautiful, otherwise. My back is aching because it was like 40 yesterday and now it’s 70. I HATE these extremes because it just causes me so much pain. But I am the human barometer when it comes to the weather. And it sucks.

An Accomplishment

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, depression

Today was a somewhat good day. I did something that I haven’t done in almost five years. I took a shower, then got dressed, and went out. Normally, the shower alone takes a lot out of me and I need a nap. But not today. I feel a sense of accomplishment in doing these three things. I wasn’t out long. I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. I wanted ice cream but they didn’t have the flavor I wanted. Bummer. So I got a bag of chips and a Pepsi instead. Not what I wanted but still satisfied my junk food urge.

I have been in a down mood the last few days. Yesterday, all I did was sleep. The high of my book being out has come down. I know it has only been a few days but people aren’t buying, or maybe they are and the stupid stats thing is wrong. It can take up to a month to get the stats sales. So in the meantime, I am trying not to obsess about it, but it gives me something to do as nothing else seems to interest me. I just feel really down. And my brain is like “excited” in a hallucinogenic way. I have been taking my meds but there were a few days I skipped my dose. I wonder if it is catching up to me know. I just feel really paranoid, like I am constantly being watched. I hope it goes away and voices don’t spring up.

The book I am reading about breakout novels is not helping me calm down. It is making me want to write more on my Darkness story but I don’t know what to write. I feel like it is done and it is time to move to my other stories. But I feel like it is too soon to get another book going. I want to relish on my first one for a while before starting the formatting for my new book. The other stuff has been written, I just need to fine tooth comb it to make it perfect. Who knows, maybe it will do better than my first. I just did a Google search and I am on page three. Granted my blog is the majority under the search terms “midnight demon cauda equina). But like anything on Google, you need to type specifics in order for it to be on the first page.

I haven’t had any overseas sales, yet. I am hoping to get them soon as I just posted to my support group again. I also have my writer friend that I am hoping to help spread to her survivor networks. She tried to post on FB and failed because most of the people were at the AAS conference. She said she will try again after Easter.

I am hoping this book does well. I have gotten two good reviews but they are my editor and my cousin. I am thankful they wrote but not sure they really count, but I will take them. It took a lot of me to put this book out there. My second proof has not come yet. The first did and it is crap, of course. I am so glad I looked at the formatted template where they had the copyright page because I totally didn’t put one in. I just worry that someone from somewhere is going to say that I plagiarized the CAMS and Aeschi work that I wrote. I tried really hard to write in my own words as possible but things like the SSF being what it is, I have to explain it in detail. I just can’t say Suicide Status Form and leave it at that. No writer can do that.

Chronic Pain is No Joke

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Chronic pain is no joke

It has been a while since my left foot has been acting up. The last two days have been really bad. I think it is because of the weather changes, temps going from 30 to 60 always wreck havoc on me.

Though I have had a rough day, my thoughts right now are focused on my foot and its throbbing. I seriously want it to stop but there is nothing I can take to calm it down. I already took my pain meds two hours ago and can’t take another dose for another two to four hours. I am in such agony that I want to cut my foot off. I don’t have any power tools in my room so that is a good thing. And I can’t bear weight on my foot so I can’t get to the basement where there are the tools that I need. I hate being in so much pain.

I didn’t do much today, in the way of walking or standing. I did stand a lot yesterday, which is probably why my foot is killing me. There were a bunch of kids at the bus stop yesterday and I couldn’t sit down like I normally could. And it wasn’t like the kids were going to let me sit down. They were running and jumping all over the place. One little kid was actually looking at me like I had ten heads when I decided to move to another spot while waiting for the bus. It was like I wasn’t supposed to move. Now I am paying the price in increased nerve pain and physical pain. Plus my foot is swollen so that is NOT helping my case at all.

I am so tired but I can’t sleep because of the pain. My foot needs to settle down to at least a 5 on a scale of 1-10. Right now it’s a 9. I am glad I already took my night time meds because to get up again will be torture. I just hope I don’t have to go to the bathroom any time soon. Going down the stairs will kill me.

Why does my foot hurt? Because it is an asshole. But seriously, no one knows why. I have nerve damage in my foot and a little of what is known as Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS). I got the nerve damage from a ruptured disc thirteen years ago. Then I got another ruptured disc five years later but at a different level. I have had many problems with my left leg, mostly stemming from my back. I have herniated discs throughout my lumbar spine. I just hope that me lifting and carrying three cases of sprite didn’t hurt me in anyway. I will find out tomorrow. I know my arms are going to be sore.

THROB THROB THROB. That is all my foot does to aggravate me and put me in a bad mood. And there is nothing I can take for the throbbing. I just have to wait for it to settle on its own. Sometimes, if I feel like it, an NSAID gel will calm it down. But right now, I can’t touch my foot. Just the sheets on my bed are bothering it. It is that sensitive. I also love how all the veins in my foot are popping out like no tomorrow. Another sign that it is CRPS. And my foot is so hot, like it is on fire. I wish I had a fire extinguisher for it but none exists. That is what kills me all the time, the burning sensation in my foot. So I have the throbbing, burning, stabbing, bone-crushing pain going on. I really want to lob off my foot. I could cry but I am not a crying guy.