Tag: depression

wallowing in my suicidal mind

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicidality, suicide

Today has been a sucky day. I didn’t want to do anything. I just wanted to stay in bed all day. But my sister asked me to pick up my niece and so I went only to find out, I didn’t. She had already picked her up. I would say that was a waste but at least I got some exercise in that I was planning on doing anyway. Now I can take my meds and just chill out.

My mother pissed me off this morning and this afternoon. This morning her alarm clock went off because she forgot to shut it off. Then she called me while I was trying to nap asking me if I was going to make her supper. WTH. I am a cook now? I don’t think so, not unless she wants scrambled eggs, which is what I plan on making for supper. Just because I had energy to make dinner last night doesn’t mean I can do it every night.

Therapy went horrible. We talked but we didn’t. I didn’t bring up the reasons why I felt so suicidal. I did tell her I was and she asked if it was because of the TG stuff. I just couldn’t bear to bring up the stuff again. Then she asked me toward the end of session if she could read my blog. I said no at first, but I sent it to her anyway. I don’t know what I am going to do this weekend to take my mind off feeling suicidal. I might go out tomorrow for Starbucks. I don’t know though. All I want to do is just sleep, and never wake up. I really just don’t see the point of me living anymore. I wish the pain medication that I have didn’t have Tylenol in it. It’s the only thing stopping me from taking the bottle. I would hate to survive the OD and end up with liver failure. But I have other stuff I can take. I just don’t want to do it at my home. I rather go to a hotel or someplace and OD there. I could always hang myself but I am not good with knots. My luck it won’t be tight enough and I will slip through. Sure I have other thoughts but nothing that I can concretely complete. I feel so small. I just want to hide away from everyone. I have another stinking session with my therapist tomorrow and it’s too late to cancel, not that it would work. She has the policy that I can’t cancel, ever, unless there is a good reason for it. And her knowing that I am suicidal is not a good reason for canceling. I feel like I should call my pdoc and let her know what is going on but at the same time, I don’t want to call her because she might hospitalize me. I don’t think I am there yet. I could be in a week or two, but not now.

My blog has crappy stats today. I only have 6 views today. I have been spoiled with recent views of 40 or more per day the past week. Yes, I am a number nerd. But I love the way WordPress compiles the data. One of my blogs has done extremely well and I keep track of it daily. But today it hasn’t had a hit. First time in a few weeks this has happened but the night is still young. The blog is also a chapter in my book.

Funny how I feel suicidal but I don’t feel Hyde’s presence. Hyde is the dark side of me that likes to come out and write suicide notes. I really think I need to be in a special zone to have Hyde come out. Right now I am just suicidal in my own realm. I want to die but I don’t have a plan of action. I just am wallowing in my suicidal mind. I like it there. I can come up with a million scenarios on how I can kill myself and maybe one of them I will go through. But right now I am just planning, or thinking about planning. it is what I do best.

ranting blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Having a pissa of day, literally and figuratively. Sox lost their opening day game. It was a pitchers duel throughout the game. Hard one to lose but unfortunately, Lester left a pitch up in the zone and Cruz blasted it. Costly mistake but it happens.

Then I find out my cousin told my mother where I was today. Normally I wouldn’t friggin mind but I hate it when she asks me fifty million questions about my doc appointment that took forever. I told her I just want to be on medication and as long as it took care of the pain, I was fine with that. She said I had the wrong mentality and then got pissed off at me when I said it was a realist mentality. If she only knew how much medication I take, she would shit a brick, and that doesn’t include the supplements I take. I take more than she does. But she is on insulin so that is ok to take. WTF I don’t get it.

I called my cousin and cussed him out because he told my mother. All because I wouldn’t answer the damn phone. He called me four fricken times while I was waiting for the doc, I shit you not. Sorry if my profanity is getting to you, there will be more swears and if that offends you, I suggest you move on to another blog for today. I am in a pissed off mood and I swear like a sailor when pissed. My cousin apologized. I know he is anxious about his concerns and stuff that I won’t get into here but still, why the hell should he call me four fricken times?? Pisses me off. Then to tell my mother. That just blows it.

The doctor didn’t have anything new to say except see a ankle specialist. Fuck that. I have seen a ton of them and they all said the same thing. Nothing is wrong with me but they can’t find out what is causing my pain. So the hell with them. I told him my pain is less so he cut my medication. I don’t need more than what I have already and we went longer than 30 days in seeing him. I should be fine but today I did too much and I know I will need some meds. Ain’t no doubt about it. We went through the whole speel about my mental health and how my family was and shit. The appointment took forever. My blood pressure was high and so was my pulse (again). But they always seem to catch me just as I walk through the door so I am still hoofing it to the office. Plus I have to walk down the hall to his exam room so that extra blood flowing. He thinks the high pulse rate is because of my pain. Whatever. Long as I got a normal hearth rhythm, I really don’t care. AFib or Atrial Fibrillation runs on my father’s side of the family. Nearly all his family members that I know have it. None on my mother’s side. But then, her side has the mental illness. Afib is an abnormal rhythm disorder in which the heart beats faster than it should. Medication is used to control it and sometimes a pacemaker is needed.

My father just called me. Looks like he doesn’t have an appointment with his doctor like he thought he did because his doc is not going to be in the office tomorrow. Just wonderful. I get to reschedule his appointment but I still got to take him for his blood draw. He was supposed to go today but I figured since he had the appointment it could wait. Fucking A, just to make my life that more difficult. As if I don’t have my own health issues to worry about, I got my father’s to keep track of, too.

Still no word from the editor. Every time my phone goes off for an email notification, I get excited but it’s not her. Guess editing is taking longer than I thought it would. But the night is still young. She could email me later. I like that she also reviews the changes I make after she sends the edits. So I have that going for me. If I ever hear from her. Fuck, this isn’t a long fricken book, just about 52,000 words. She has edited books way longer than that, or so she has written about. Hurry the hell up already!! OK rant over, for today at least.

total incapacitation

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I have been sleeping most of the day. My ankle has been hurting really bad and the only time I left my room was to have something to eat or go to the bathroom. I know I am super dehydrated because I haven’t really had anything to drink most of the day. I had a glass of juice with my supper and that is all I can really recall drinking. It’s late now so I don’t want to drink anything because I will be up all night peeing.

Today was my brother in law’s birthday. I didn’t go to it because I just couldn’t make the stairs. When my mother called to see where I was, she was shocked to know I was in pain because “it didn’t look like it when I got up this morning”. Pain can flare at any time. I don’t have to justify it to anyone. I swear they don’t believe me sometimes, but that is their problem not mine. And even though I spent the day in bed, I am still hurting.

I have not heard anything from the author yet. It’s been almost 24 hrs. I hope I hear from her tomorrow. I better hear from her tomorrow! I have a busy week. Tomorrow I have my pcp appointment, Tuesday I have my father’s appointment and Wed/Thursday is my therapy appointment. I really don’t want to see my PCP tomorrow. I gained some weight back because I wasn’t careful. Plus my mother made cookies, my kryptonite. I have been eating them almost all day even though it killed me to go down the stairs.

I am not taking my meds tonight. Only pill I will take is my birth control. I forgot to count out my meds for the week but that is kind of hard to do when you can’t stand for longer than ten minutes. I should have done it last night when I couldn’t sleep but I didn’t think of it. I usually do it on Sunday mornings when I wake up but today was an off day for me. I woke up late and was in pain and the day kind of got away from me. I read my Lawrence Block books that I bought yesterday and then slept most of the day. Not like it did any good for me. I know it has to do with the weather changes. It’s no longer twenty degrees out so my pain has to increase with the temp increase. I was never like this before my back surgery. Sure, rain hurt my knee whenever it rained but nothing like this. This is total incapacitation. I hate it because there is nothing I can do but rest. If I try to do something, I am rewarded with pain. So I just lay low until the weather equalizes and stays the same for a few days. Tomorrow is going to be interesting.

Saturday Blog 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Saturday Blog 2

It has been a roller coaster day. I am still patiently waiting for the editor to send me back my manuscript. I am excited and anxious at the same time.

I didn’t do much today. I had coffee this morning with my sister that ended up with me taking my niece to my cousin’s house. I had the car for a little while. I took the long way home. It was nice. I got to listen to my country music station.

I started working on my Darkness short story as I got inspiration for it yesterday before the whole appointment fiasco. I thought I could write more today as I have been feeling depressed but wasn’t able to write more than what I had written. I feel like I am repeating myself and maybe I am. Darkness is always the same, it never changes. It fills you with bad thoughts and you always have a dark cloud following you that prevents light from shining through. The bad thoughts come back and you feel hopeless.

I am not sure how I feel right now. I just want to go to sleep. The weird dreams that I have been having seem to have left me. I am not getting them as often so my sleep has improved, though I still wake up at three in the morning. I woke up at this hour this morning because I had to go to the bathroom. When I came back to my room, I was awake. I stayed up till about six. I wasn’t in pain, I just couldn’t sleep. I think that is the nice thing about my game is that you can play it anytime of day.

I am getting better at reading, though I still get restless. I am reading at least ten pages or so before I get the restless feeling. I got a book from the library about writing novels. I don’t think the book is for me because I don’t really want to write fiction. I can write short stories but I don’t want something bigger than that. And I think the collection of small writings is a good idea for my next book. Today I bought one of my favorite author’s new short story book on Amazon. I miss reading his short stories. They almost always end in a cliffhanger. I hope to write like that some day. So maybe this book that I got from the library might help with that.

My crazy cousin called me again to check in on me. I didn’t have the chance to yell at him for calling my phone then calling my mother’s phone last night. WTF. If I don’t want to talk to you, don’t call my mother! I am glad my mother didn’t pick up. I don’t know why he does this. He is just annoying. I know he has issues, but come on. Have some decency.

I think I will take a shower tonight. I haven’t had one since Thursday. I try to go every other day, but sometimes that doesn’t work out too well. I just get lazy or too depressed. I can’t believe that it will be a week till I see my therapist again. Meeting three times this week isn’t possible because I have my PCP appointment Monday and then have my father’s appointment Tuesday. It sucks. But I am determined to keep my Wednesday appointment with her. I am canceling my neuro appointment. Screw them. I will call and cancel Monday. I don’t need to see my neuro anyways. Nothing has changed. Granted I would have liked her input on whether I need a nerve conduction test but I think the answer is no. My foot doctor thinks it might be useful but I am not going to be stuck with needles to find out what I already know: I have nerve damage. And with my pain medication and Neurontin, I can manage my pain. I just got to email her, anyways, to get a refill on it.