Tag: disability

Pissed off

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pissed off

I have a friend that is being treated like a bad person by her son. There are issues that I won’t get into but it’s got me thinking about my own mother. And frankly, she is a bad mother. She has never accepted me. Sure she will gladly accept my money but that is the only thing she accepts. The other day I was cold in my room so was wearing my beanie hat. She made a comment that if I wore long hair, I wouldn’t be cold. I ignored it like I usually do because she doesn’t know that I am transgender. I don’t even think she knows what being transgender is about. Today she called me “miss” and I flew off the fucking handle. It was the way she said it that really ticked me off. I wanted so badly to tell her to call me sir but I kept biting my tongue.

Tonight, she called me to tell me what she was making for dinner. It was cauliflower with pasta. I already had a bunch of carbs with the oatmeal pancakes I made for breakfast and wanted something else. She hung up on me when I declined. I am so pissed off when she hangs up on me. I did nothing to deserve this and I know we have been getting in a tiff all fucking day because we have been cooped up in the house because of the fucking weather. But I don’t think I deserve to be treated this way.

I am so damn angry at her because she never validates what I go through. She doesn’t accept my short men hair cuts. But I can’t be her “daughter”. I just can’t. It’s not in me. I don’t know why she hates me so damn much. And don’t anyone tell me different. A mother should accept their child unconditionally. She has conditions and I don’t fit in them. It fuels my suicidality because I never will have the mother that I should have. It pisses me off because there are mothers, like my friend, who will do anything for their child and doesn’t expect anything in return except maybe a little gratitude.

My mother has been against me seeing a therapist from the get-go. She thinks she should be my therapist. How can I talk with her when she doesn’t even accept that depression is an illness? I have tried to talk with her and her response is always to “let it go” and don’t think about it. Would a therapist tell their client this? Hell no. That is why I don’t talk to her about my problems. I might vent that about the disability paperwork might rescind my claim and no longer call me disabled. Her response was she needs the money for the mortgage. I should cut the cable bill by totally disconnecting it. That will save me a hundred bucks a month. Just to piss her off. She is just so damn callous. She isn’t like this with my sisters.

I am in pain all the damn time yet she thinks, I am willing to bet, that I should be working despite this. She just has no respect for me at all. And it hurts.

Fridge Fiasco 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fridge Fiasco 2

Today was the day we were supposed to get the non-damaged new fridge. Except we didn’t. The new fridge was slightly larger height wise so wouldn’t fit in our space. Great. All the work that we did emptying out the fridge, again, was wasted. Because it is still freezing out, we have the freezer stuff on the back porch still. My mother nor I, didn’t want to bring them in the house just yet. My mother didn’t measure the fridge before she bought it. She thought all fridges came the same size. Now because we don’t have a fridge, I am going to have to wait to place my grocery order. I had bought freezer stuff so it will have to wait. UGH.

Finally my SSD came through. I am determined to be disabled. My sister thinks I will be on a 3 year review schedule. It’s weird that they declared me disabled when they didn’t get any information from my psych team. I guess I was declared on my physical stuff rather than mental. I am just glad I don’t have to see their doctors. I was really nervous about that. Now that I have this information I can hopefully relax and the voices can pipe down.

I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up around 0400 in severe pain. It was the first time in a long time that this has happened. Since this morning when I woke up, the pain levels have been minimum, which I find odd because I have been moving stuff back and forth throughout the house and going up and down stairs. I want to take a shower, which I will do once the frozen stuff is in the freezer. I even made pancakes without too much pain. I’m still waiting for my ankle or foot to explode. It’s at a 4 right now, which is my baseline. I promised myself that if the pain got severe again, I would take the stronger pain meds today. I need a fricken break. Four days straight this pain has been going on. I can’t take much more.

The manic stuff I was experiencing yesterday went away. I wish I could have it back. I only want it back because I am exhausted from this afternoon’s activities. It’s supposed to snow today but they still haven’t pinpointed a time. The hardest hit will be the Cape. I think when it starts snowing, I will bring in the freezer stuff on the porch. They don’t need to be buried in the snow.

Fridge Fiasco

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fridge Fiasco

I helped my mother this morning emptying the fridge and putting them either outside or on the porch where it is cold. I then went upstairs to my room and slept as I wasn’t feeling good. My ankle still hurts and the pain pills were kicking in. When I woke up a few hours later, the delivery guy was here but our new fridge wasn’t. It was damaged. My mother was beyond bullshit. How could they load a damaged unit and not know it until they reached a customer’s house?? It doesn’t make any sense. So all our work this morning was wasted and now we had to put everything back. It did wonders for my ankle.

I still am in a shitty mood. I hate being in pain and I have been for more than 24 hours now. I know it is because I did too much. Two straight days of being at the hospital and traveling by T just killed me. I don’t know how I am going to handle going there 3 days a week for two weeks. I am just glad it is in the afternoon and not the morning. I am not a morning person. Only thing that sucks about this is that I can’t go to the square to get my coffee. I will have to make it at home.

I am also in a bad mood because SSD lied to me or at least got the wrong information. Yesterday they told me they didn’t receive any information from my therapist and today it miraculously appeared. My therapist didn’t receive anything. So I am not sure who is the faulty party. And I don’t know what information they want/needed that they have. Pisses me off that I am jumping through hoops here. She said that I would get a notification in a few weeks. Great. Just fucking great. Meanwhile the voices are running rampant saying that I am not going to get awarded because I am a lazy ass. That I am not disabled enough and other horrible things. I really can’t take it. I feel like I am losing it. Maybe I have lost it. I really just want to die. That will solve everything, least in my mind.

While we were going through the freezer stuff, I found the PF Chang food that I forgot that I bought. I think I will have that tonight for dinner. It will go nicely with some Jasmine rice. Least that is what I want to do. It might not happen because of my pain. Between putting the food back in the fridge and then making a hamburger for lunch, my ankle is toast. Today is gearing up to be just a pain med day. I am really sleepy, too. I do hope that my therapist has an opening today but it’s already 1330 and she hasn’t called me so I am thinking it’s not going to happen.

I’m debating on making coffee. I haven’t had it and I am really sleepy. But then, pain meds will do that to you. I need to take another dose soon as my ankle is screaming at me. I wish it would pipe down. I might need to pull out the big guns (stronger pain med). I hate taking this med because of constipation. It really backs me up. I am going to try taking some Neurontin to try and see if that helps me sleep some. I doubt it but it might ease some of my pain, too.

Nerve wracking day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Nerve Wracking Day

Just got off the phone with the SSD and my claim is still under review. They are waiting for my therapist to input their paperwork. So I just texted my therapist to check her mail. Now I got a nervous butterfly in my stomach. Only because I don’t know which address they may have sent it. I hope they sent it to the address I gave them and not on the web because those addresses are no longer current!

I spent the morning with my father for his appointment. We arrived 45 minutes early and we couldn’t enter the place until 0830. Every 5-10 minutes my father was looking at his watch. He was such a fink. The appointment went longer than expected. I just really wanted to get out of there. I didn’t have a book or my headphones with me so it was like time dragged on and on. Then I went to his apartment to fix his pills because I wasn’t going to go out again tomorrow. I am hurting really bad because I over exerted myself today.

My mother ordered a new refrigerator because our current one is not working properly. It is coming tomorrow and I need to empty the freezer and transfer the stuff to the basement freezer. I am not looking forward to this ordeal. I am glad it’s not overstocked but the basement freezer is not exactly empty either. I just hope that I can find room for everything. I am waiting for the pain meds to kick in before I start moving stuff. I also need a nap because I have been going since 0500 and haven’t really had a little downtime. I just had lunch a little while ago as I haven’t had anything to eat since 0530.

I really am annoyed that the person I spoke to from SSA didn’t really care what I was telling her. I just hope she sent my therapist’s paperwork to the right place. They got my other records from the hospital I go to, so I am happy about that. The only hold up is my therapist. Fuck. And I won’t find out till next Tuesday if she got the paperwork. I should have called before my appointment with her but I didn’t want to as I came home close to my time with her. At least I know I am getting somewhere with my claim, though it’s not really a claim but a review.

I decided to go back to reading “Evidenced-based practices in suicidology”. I was reading it this morning while I had my coffee. I must have read ten pages and was wondering where suicide fell in what they were talking about. They just gave a history of where evidence based practice came from and it just goes on. This is the worst book and it is so misleading. You really can’t judge a book by its cover!

I had therapy and we spent most of the time talking about how annoying my father was. We also talked about how annoying the voices are becoming. They are encroaching on everything lately. It is so frustrating. I can’t do anything without some commentary going on. I know it’s only going to get worse in the upcoming weeks as I have to spend more time with my “lovely” father. I told her that I had to put off my physical therapy because of his stuff that is going on. I probably won’t be able to go through the course until the middle of February. Until then, I just have to muddle through like I have been doing. I did forget to tell her about my bladder accident yesterday and how it affected me. Oh well. I am kind of over it anyways.

About half way through our session, the pain meds kicked in. I really don’t remember what we talked about after. She wants me to get something to eat and rest. So I guess me going up and down stairs to the basement freezer is out. I am too tired to do that anyway. If I have energy later, I might do it. Course it is so cold out, I don’t understand why we can’t just put the stuff on the porch. Just wrap them up good in plastic bags and they should be ok.

Our mail is either really late or really early. Lately, we have been the latter and it is annoying because I am waiting for stuff to complete my loans stuff. I am getting more anxious about it as more time passes. My feet are bloody cold. Back to wearing thermal socks. I should just glue them to my feet because my feet have been so damn cold lately, even under blankets. It’s like no matter what I do, they are just cold and won’t warm up unless I have these socks on.