Tag: disability

Brazil Coffee, Cauda Equina Syndrome, and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Brazil Coffee, Cauda Equina Syndrome, and Other Things

I had a rotten night of sleep. I really wanted to go out today but I hadn’t shower in days. There was no way I could shower when I couldn’t stand for more than ten minutes, much less walking to the bus stop and then stand waiting for it. So I nixed the idea and made coffee at home. I am glad I did. I am loving my Brazil coffee. Sadly, I have just one bag left of this nectar of the Gods. Starbucks doesn’t sell it anymore. But I am glad to have it either way as it tastes so damn good.

The reason for my back being a bitch is because the temp shot up 20 degrees. It’s nearly 56 degrees. Yesterday, it was in the thirties. The temp is supposed to be stable over the next day or so. I am hoping that I can sneak a shower in and not have my back go crazy on me. Just making coffee I was hurting. I kept having to sit down soon as I got up. This is no way to live.

I posted on Facebook that no one understands and two of my closest friends responded. They know what it is like living in chronic pain as they live with it themselves. It really takes someone to know and understand what you go through if they go through it themselves. One of my CES members of my group is having a hard time with this. He is having backlash from family members about his taking medication and not being himself anymore. It’s hard being the person you were when your life gets torn upside down with Cauda Equina Syndrome. It doesn’t help when you have no support other than members of the same condition. I went on a rant on Twitter. If he had diabetes, I bet they wouldn’t tell him he needed to be off his insulin or what ever he was taking to control his sugar. I don’t get why some people just don’t get that a medical condition is just that no matter what the cause of it is. It drives me up the wall. And if there is the stigma with CES, you can only imagine the stigma attached if you are depressed because you are no longer the person you once was.

It makes me sad because I have a good friend that will be getting a divorce soon because her husband said that she isn’t the person he married anymore. WTF. It pisses me off because what happened to the vow, for better or worse, and in sickness and health? People just don’t take their marriage vows seriously anymore. Not all people are like that. I have known some people who keep their vows and are still together despite the disability CES brings. I am glad I am single and I don’t have to deal with relationship stuff. It would be such a strain because I wouldn’t be able to be there financially to my partner nor physically. I have become such a loner that I hate being away from my room more than a couple of hours. It’s fine if I am have a doctor’s appointment or something. But for the most part, I rather just stay home and in my room.

Since my back pain has been really bad, my ankle has been behaving. Last night I thought there was going to be competition between the two but I headed it off by taking my pain meds. Seems I have been taking them around the clock to avoid being in pain. The downside of this is that I am tired all the time. Even with drinking coffee, I feel sleepy. I must have woken up three times last night between 0100 and 0600. I really can’t wait for the temps to level off because I really don’t want to move with pain. It’s one thing for my ankle to hurt. Sure it drives me up a wall, too. But not being able to move my trunk, to not being able to bend down, or to just put on a pair of slippers is difficult.

I didn’t make pancakes today. I just couldn’t stand long enough to make them. I keep trying. Maybe I will mix all the dry ingredients together and then tomorrow add the wet ingredients so there will be less work for me. There really isn’t that many ingredients to making pancakes from scratch. With oatmeal, there are seven, regular six. I have been making pancakes from scratch since I was young and I have a good memory (for now). While I was up early this morning, I had breakfast of pop tarts. It’s my last one so I will need to make a grocery order next week. I was hoping to avoid it but it seems I need one. I need my cereal and other items. I was going to go to the store but why do that when I can go online? Much faster and easier. And no lines, no waiting.

Talking about Anger

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Talking about Anger

I had therapy today and all we did was talk about my father and the stress of dealing with him. She read my blog I wrote about him the other day. She thought it was good that I was able to write about the anger of dealing with him because if I didn’t feel a sense of responsibility, I would just leave him. I could care less about what he going on. I don’t feel a connection to him. That connection has been severed a long time ago and never got reestablished.

We talked about how my ankle got messed up while walking with the wheelchair and how using my cane helps take the pressure off. She was annoyed that he needed a wheelchair instead of walking. It annoys me too but he wants the attention. She said that I should be in the chair instead of him. The guy only cares about himself.

We also talked briefly about my mother’s health issues and how it’s stressing my sisters and I out. My mother just has her own way of doing things in regard to her health. I know she thinks she is a burden to us but that isn’t the truth. She is just sick of being sick and in pain all the time. But she doesn’t do anything to help herself either. It’s just annoying and it’s only going to get worse as she gets older.

My therapist just wants me basically to stay in bed to rest my ankle. She encouraged me to write about my anger but I fear that it will be taken the wrong way so you may see more password protected posts. She also wants me to read and do stuff that doesn’t involve me walking around. I haven’t had lunch yet. I haven’t decided what I want. I have a few choices and that is the problem.

My therapist was vocal throughout the session, though she did listen when I was telling the story of how Thursday night went. I told her I was so aggravated with him that I didn’t get something to eat like I wanted to. She wasn’t happy about this. I don’t even remember if I bitched to my mother about him that night.

What really got me really pissed off and still does is the “concern” my aunt has for my father. She would rather piss on his grave than think more of him. Now that he is sick, she is “concerned”. It’s bullshit. She just wants to be in the loop to she can talk about him behind his back. I hate this aunt because she is just two faced. I don’t see her often and rarely see her at her house. The only time I will be at her house is if my mother is there and she needs something or I need something from her. It just pisses me off.

My therapist did talk about the safety planning thing that I wrote about. And she said that we didn’t have one in a long time. I told her I would bring the sheet the next time I saw her, which probably won’t be until the end of the month. She asked me when I was seeing my psychiatrist and I said I don’t have a time. This is the problem I have when I cancel a time with her. Trying to get another appointment takes several emails. I emailed her last night but haven’t heard back from her, yet. I said in the email that by the time the 15th rolled around I would need refills so I would like to see her by then. After the 15th is when things go back to normal for me. I am not spending all my time with my bastard father.

I need to see my father earlier than usual tomorrow before his appointment as my sister is taking us to the appointment. I figure I do his meds before we leave so that I didn’t have to do it after. I can just go home after the appointment.

I will have another rest day on Thursday. I also have therapy because I can’t have it tomorrow. I told my therapist about my panic attack that I had yesterday. I told her I took my pain pill soon as I got home and she asked if I took some Ativan as well. I told her I did because my chest was hurting and I was still having palpitations. I just get nervous when I am on the bus and the entrance or exit is crowded. More so if the entrance is blocked because I usually exit the bus that way. But it was the last straw for me having to deal with. My foot swelled up twice the size of my other foot last night and it was hurting like a SOB. CRPS in action. This is why my doctors don’t think I have CRPS because they don’t see me at night when these things happen. It took a while for me to get comfy and to get to sleep last night because of pain. I still woke up around 0400. I stayed up for a little bit went back to sleep and then woke up two hours later. I had breakfast at 0800 and then went back to sleep. I woke up around 1130 and made coffee. Now I am just going to make lunch and then read some Harry Potter so I can dissociate.

So Tired I Can’t Sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

So Tired I can’t Sleep

I have been taking pain meds for most of the day because my ankle is killing me. I was hoping for a nap but I never got one. Even now I feel like I could lie down but sleep will elude me. I think I need to take an Ativan. I just feel sort of restless. I am nervous that my pain will keep me from going out tomorrow night. I haven’t seen my friends in at least two months. We were supposed to go out last month but my friend got sick and we had to postpone. I will be upset with myself if I cancel the last minute. I want to go out but that is going to be hard for me to walk. I will take my cane, anyways, just in case the pain becomes bad again.

I can’t wait to talk to my therapist. We have a lot to discuss. I really want to talk to her about the last chapter I read in the Suicidology book. It was interesting to me because it stated that by law, mental health professionals are under no obligation to provide decent care. Yet for suicidal care, the standards are lower. I find this interesting and infuriating. The author redeemed himself by stating that “no Harm” contracts are rubbish toward the end of the chapter and may be more harmful than anything. I find it interesting that the author didn’t cite a psychologist that wrote an article about “no harm” contracts. I am starting to think this book is biased toward psychiatry than the mental health profession as a whole.

I am finding it difficult to write still. I haven’t worked on my book in so long. I should organize some of the documents that I want in the book in a folder so I know which ones I am thinking of publishing. I have it in my mind but I can’t trust it lately. I forget after a while and if I don’t do this, I am screwed when it comes time to put things together. I am still working on my root story. Maybe tomorrow morning I will have a look at it and see if I can write some more. The owl stuff that I was thinking about never materialized. Though, I could put it in the root story somehow. I am percolating a story about narcissism. I just need to do a little more research before I can write it. I’m trying to justify buying a $90 messenger bag with a Pearl Jam logo on it. I think if I can do some writing for the month of February, it can be my writing reward.

I had a cup of tea to settle the queasy feeling in my stomach. I haven’t had anything to eat since this morning. When I got up from not being able to nap, I had some pop tarts. That is all that I ate today. An egg burrito and a couple of pop tarts. I just have no appetite today. I hope it returns tomorrow because I will be going out to eat with my friends. It drives me crazy that I am either really hungry or not at all some days. Either way, it is not a good habit for trying to losing weight.

I was writing in my journal tonight. I started at 0125 this morning so I have had a very bad day trying to sleep. I hope I am not becoming manic again. I don’t see how as I have been taking my meds. I haven’t been taking my blood pressure pills but that is because I am out of them and my doctor’s office hasn’t called it in yet. If I don’t get them tomorrow, I will call the office and see what the hold up is. I should have gotten them last week when I saw the NP but she was running late and I had things on my mind that weren’t medication related so I forgot. I should have written it down or at least put it in my phone to remind myself. I always forget the phone has a memo thing on it. I guess you can say I am old school and haven’t caught up to technology yet.

I feel like watching a movie. Lincoln is a good movie to watch when you are tired. I know the movie by heart so I know when to snooze but I don’t remember where I put the DVD. I know it’s in the Gone with the Wind DVD but I don’t know where that is right now. I would have to get up and look for it but that risks aggravating my ankle. Not going to happen. I will look for it tomorrow.

Put on some of this or that, maybe I won’t feel so bad

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Put on Some of This or That, Maybe I Won’t Feel So Bad

I was going to say the hell with my plans and drop off the prescription at the pharmacy to be picked up tomorrow or Wednesday when I will get paid. But my ankle is saying “don’t you dare”. Just going down the stairs started a flare up and I give up. I am not going out today like I planned. I really wanted to have Starbucks and a breakfast sandwich but I need to restrict my activities if I am going to go out tomorrow night with friends. I honestly don’t know how I am going to manage this, with my ankle being so sore. I will bring my cane as I will need it for support. I haven’t left the house since Wednesday. And this week was supposed to be a big week. I have doctors appointments for myself and my father. If I can’t get the Zipcar for my father, I will be screwed. I will have to reschedule the appointment. I would like an earlier time anyway other than 1730.

I feel like crying, not because I didn’t get my check but because I am in a lot of fucking pain. This is like a week now that I have been in severe pain and it doesn’t seem to let up. Soon as I start walking around or even moving it to flex it, it hurts. I am so damn sad. All I can think about is the Eric Church song that is running through my head. The title of this blog is the second verse of the song.

I made breakfast. My ankle didn’t like that. It doesn’t like anything that I do. But I can’t just lay in bed all day. I have been doing that for the past four to five days. I am getting a little stir crazy. I was thinking about a story to write about having a narcissistic father but it’s still floating around in my head. I got a comment on my CAMS blog this morning by some clinician who was looking for a later version of the SSF. I told him I don’t know if there is one. There is an electronic version coming out in the spring of this year, CAMS 2. I don’t know if that will be DSM5. I will revise the blog once I get the new information.

Mentally I just can’t handle being in pain anymore. It’s dragging me down a deep hole and I am not sure I can get out of it. I am really pissed off that my ankle hurts so damn bad. It should have recovered after two days of staying in the house but it didn’t. It just got worse and worse. Not even the strong pain meds helped. I might have to take another dose. But I just took my regular meds so we’ll see if that helps. I don’t want to take them together because I will be really loopy. I was talking to a friend the other night via FB chat and I almost passed out on her. I told her I had to go lie down. She didn’t like it but I had to lie down before I passed out.

I think I finally figured out why my nose is all clogged up: the Heat! It’s the only variable that makes sense. I live, almost, in my room so it makes sense that the heat would cause my nasal passages to swell for whatever reason. I should dust it, but I don’t have access to it because there is a lot of stuff in front of it.

My hormone pill is ready to be picked up. I need to get that sometime today. I hope the pain meds do their magic so I can go out and get it. I will drop off the pain med script. I don’t have to go to Starbucks today. I can make coffee. The cream I have is still good until the 27th. Then I will be screwed. I might have to get some from my sister.

I didn’t sleep too good last night. I did wake up around 2300 but I wrote in my journal rather than write another blog. I didn’t go to sleep until around 0200 or so. Then I woke up every few hours until I said the hell with it and got up. I am really tired and feel like going back to sleep. I have no energy to do anything. Hopefully I will nap and then feel better. Because I feel like shit right now. And that isn’t just because my nose is clogged up.