Tag: disability

Afternoon Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychosis

Afternoon Blog

I’m having a rough day. I woke up early in the morning. Went back to sleep around 0600 and then woke up around 1000. Was able to make breakfast without too much difficulty and then made coffee. The coffee energized me so I decided to read the psychology book, “Explorations in Personality”. I had to stop reading it in the middle of a page last night because there were no breaks and I was too tired to read the 5-6 pages to get to one. I read it to my despair. I tried to understand the language they were using but this book is over my fricken head. So I am just going with the flow of it. When I did come to a break, I decided to get dressed and pick up my prescriptions. I was feeling okay. Until I walked half a block and then the pain started. I continued my walk but it was too much. By the time I reached Walgreens, I was in so much discomfort it wasn’t funny. And why do they have the pharmacy always in the back of the store?? The extra walking really tired me out.

I walked home with ease but I was still hurting. Despite it being cold out, I was a sweaty mess by the time I walked back into my room. I thought I was fine once things settled down and I was comfortably in my bed with my feet up. Now my toes are smarting really bad. It feels like I hammered them all day long and the bones, 3 metatarsals under my last 3 toes are killing me to no end. I must have pulled on the pereoneal tendon while walking home and didn’t realize it because that is where it smarts. I just took a pain pill to quiet things down. I went downstairs to watch the pathetic Caroline/Seattle game and eat some pizza. Wrong move. What was worse was going down to my sister’s apartment to talk to her about my disability and about my student loan paperwork. She said that I had nothing to worry about, that I am still seeing doctors and such that can prove that I am disabled. We were talking about my MRI and possible surgery. Well, that brought my anxiety through the roof, which activated the damn voices. They are once again calling me every name in the book as well as saying I am just a lazy ass and not disabled. And that I am a fake. Meanwhile my foot is flaring up to no end, which is causing my PTSD symptoms to flare. Yea, I am a faker alright. I texted my therapist saying that if I can’t get the voices under control by next week, I am going in the hospital. I am getting so damn exhausted struggling all the damn time with this. It’s gone on for too long. I know it’s my fault, I should have taken the PRNs to nip it in the bud when it first started. But I have a hard time knowing when I am in a psychotic break and when I am not. My first clue should have been when the voices weren’t my normal ones. You ever see the Charmed episode where Leo is haunted by the others (can’t think of their name right now). How they were just swirling around him as they were talking to him? That is what these voices are like, swirling around me so that even my normal voices can’t break through. But everything is in hindsight now. I don’t think my psychiatrist thinks I should be in the hospital but I am getting more and more terrified as these voices continue. I might just do what they want just to shut them up.

I did take a trilafon last night, too. But they only work for so long. It’s not a long acting form. I think they last 6 hours top, but I would have to look it up as it’s been so long since I have been on it. I just hope I don’t need more of the trilafon because my psychiatrist will flip out. I don’t think she has mastered how to do prescriptions with the new system. I have 7 pills left. I hope I don’t have to use many to get the voices under control.

I filled my pill box when I got home from the pharmacy. I figured why not as it needed to be done and with my psychosis semi-out of hand, I needed to be sure to take the abilify. It didn’t help a couple of weeks ago when I missed a few days. I probably wouldn’t be as psychotic if I took it continuously. I really messed up and can’t help blaming myself for my predicament. Getting the SSD paperwork really messed me up. But my sister said that it’s because of the false claims in New York where there were fraudulent cases that everyone is being reviewed. Didn’t help my stress levels to hear this. As much as she tried to reassure me that it were people who hasn’t seen a doctor since their disability was claimed, I am still nervous about being rejected. And the voices telling me I am going to be rejected is just screwing with me. It did help that my psychiatrist said that I have a good case because I had CES twice. But what bothers me is that my psychiatrist nor my therapist have received paperwork from SSD to support my claim. They will gladly sign off on it, but they need the paperwork to do so. Maybe when they get the general release from my hospital the paperwork from my psychiatrist is in there. I don’t know. Both my PCP and psychiatrist are in the same facility, though obviously in different departments/locations. I will just feel better once I get an answer.

hygiene and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I feel like I should get a medal. I showered and brushed my teeth, with pain and discomfort between my back and my damn foot. While I was drying off, my foot started cramping. It always does this and I don’t know why. It takes me at least 10 mins to recover to continue drying off. It fucking sucks.

It just started snowing so I won’t be going out. I wasn’t planning on it but sometimes I think a Starbucks reward for showering is in order. I’ll just make my Hawaiian coffee. Did I tell you about this nectar of the gods? My therapist gave me it for my birthday, not really as she bought it when she went to Hawaii in July. But when I saw her on my birthday, she finally was able to give it to me. I had it last week and it was very good coffee. I never had Kona before and I could tell the bag was just enough for a regular pot of coffee. I make coffee by the cup so I just used what I needed and it came out awesome. It has a very distinctive taste. Too bad it was just a small coffee bag. But I think I will be able to get at least three cups out of it. I only use 4 tablespoons.

I started reading “The Brothers Karamazov”. It is very interesting and very boring. No action occurs. Just writing, writing, and more writing. Sometimes he stays on point. Other times he varies off. But that is the Dostoevsky way. I just finished the first book and am working on the second. There are I believe five books in this novel. It’s going to take a long time to read this book.

I woke up early, around 0600 and I couldn’t not get back to sleep so I decided to get up and make some hot cocoa. I had a cereal bar and that has been it. I am planning on making an egg burrito for my lunch and breakfast. I might make some tater tots as well. It all depends on if my pain levels settle down. Taking a shower just takes so much out of me that it takes some time to recover. That is why it happens when I can’t stand myself anymore. I have tried to take it every other day or every three days but that hasn’t been working out for me.

I feel so sleepy. I really want to nap but the football game is going to start in a couple of hours and I don’t want to miss it. I want to make coffee but it’s really cold in the kitchen. The heat there sucks almost as bad as my room as there is no insulation in the walls and the radiator decides to work only when it wants to. My feet are cold and I know that if I go in the kitchen, even with my slippers, they are going to turn to ice. I don’t know why the house is so cold. It’s in the mid thirties so the heat should be cooking, unless my mother turned it down. It was really warm in my room earlier. I just put on thermal socks on my feet and a sweatshirt. I hope I start to feel warm before the game starts.

Disability and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I met with my psychiatrist today. She is doing good. She had a crutch with her but she did the last time she came back so I know it isn’t permanent. She assured me she was on her way to recovery. We did talk about the struggle of getting dressed and such and now she understands what I go through. We talked about all the stressors that have lead up to my psychosis, most of which was my back problems and not knowing the results of my MRI. She looked them up and it doesn’t sound too scary but she isn’t a neurosurgeon so doesn’t know what the impressions mean. The good news is I don’t have CES, which is my main relief. Whether or not I need surgery or just go back to PT is at the surgeon’s discretion. He still hasn’t called and I called the office today and of course there was an emergency. He knows I am looking forward to his call so it’s just a matter of him getting back to me.

We also talked about disability and she is convinced that with my back issues, I have total disability but I would be pushing it for mental. The woman that handles my case that wanted to know of changes, still hasn’t called me back. She might be on vacation so I will call Tuesday as Monday is a holiday.

The whole afternoon left me wiped out. I am so tired and in pain. My ankle did not want to walk on the way to the T stop to go home. I wish I brought my cane. I never had this happen before, usually it happens when I am in the vicinity of my house. But I had to collect my CD with my images and that cost me some steps. I just can’t walk around the hospital like I used to do. It kills me that I can’t do that anymore. I used to be able to without a problem. Now it’s a problem. My thigh is killing me now. I will just take some pain meds after I write this as I have nothing else I need to do today. I am just waiting to hear back from the surgeon.

I am feeling a little bit better that I don’t have emergency surgery in the foreseeable future. I did look at the images and they don’t look too bad. I have a bulge at L3-L4 and again at L4-L5 that likes to touch my L5 nerve root. But that has stayed the same. I just wish the voices would stop hounding me and go away. It will take a while for them to go away though. It’s been more than 5 weeks they have been active. I need to take more trilafon to really knock them out, but don’t tell them I said this. They won’t be happy.

I woke up early again today. I guess sleeping past 0700 is a myth. No matter what time I go to bed, I always wake up well before that time. I either have to go pee or I am in pain. Most of the time I am in pain then I have to pee after I take my pain meds. I still haven’t showered. I was going to this morning but said the hell with it and went back to sleep. I am glad that I set my alarm or who knows what time I would have woken up. I had to leave the house before 0949 so I can catch the bus to the Square and train stop so I could go to my appointment. If I overslept, I would have been screwed. My doc was running behind because of the new system. It was torture for her. She tried to enter trilafon as it wasn’t listed and couldn’t do it. It frustrated her to no end. I told her I haven’t been showering lately. She didn’t have much to say on the matter. I will shower eventually, but not today. I just am too depressed.

I sold another book. It’s in the UK so I won’t be getting the royalties. I have like 12GBP that is in my account but I can’t collect because the stupid bank doesn’t accept anything but USD. It is so frustrating. I still need to work on my book. But I have kind of given up on it because I think it will sell like my first book did. And self-promotion really sucks.

I wish we could just skip next week and go right to the week of the 24th. I am not looking forward to my father’s upcoming appointment and my appointment with the NP for my pain management. It’s the first time going to the office without my PCP there. It’s going to be strange. I know that I have seen the NP but I am not sure she is going to want to continue with my management so I don’t have to see the MD. I hear the MD is nice and all but I still don’t know her. My fears about this are what fueling the voices still. That is why meds haven’t taken care of them all. I know taking the meds would help tremendously but it’s a battle because they want me to take more than what I am supposed to.

Still not good

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychosis

Still Not Good

I quickly took a PRN without the voices knowing about it and took an extra of the abilify that I take. Other than that, I don’t know what else to do. A couple of friends have suggested listening to music but the voices started their death chant with the beats of the music. I can’t stand loud music so I just turned it off. Sometimes listening to silence helps. My mother has gone to bed so I don’t have to hear the blare of the TV. I am glad she went to bed early. My shows are starting their new mid-season premieres and I am not recording them because I have nothing to record them on. I don’t have the heart to throw away the TiVo. I am still hoping for life one of these days with it. I will have to talk tech with the new TiVo guys because I have an old television set without an HDMI so if I need that it’s not going to be worth spending the money on the set.

My therapist never called me. My therapist is looking for a way for us to talk tomorrow. That will be good. I am just so stressed out but a little calmer than I was. I haven’t had many meltdowns but today was just the pits. My psychiatrist just got back to me. Wants to know when I do when I get report of my back. Nothing else was in the email. Guess she isn’t concerned about the damn voices or anything. I knew I should have paged her. But I always think of these things after hours. I wish she said something about the voices that would have comforted me somewhat. Sometimes I think she thinks I make them up or something.

I called my cousin who has bipolar to discuss the SSD stuff but he wasn’t interested. He never is. He just calls me when it’s convenient for him. Then has the nerve to say why don’t I call or where have I been like I have left the country without telling him or something. He is the lazy bastard that won’t take the groceries up the stairs when my mother goes shopping with him.

I hope I don’t have to see the SSD doctors. That will really stress me out. I know they won’t understand about CES or chronic pain. They may even not get PTSD and the like. They usually aren’t good doctors.

I just realized the PRNs I take for my psychosis are more than a year old. Crap. I still have like 15 pills. I don’t take them that often. Voices are worse at night, especially when I am tired and want to sleep. They want to have conversations with me. I woke up at a decent hour, after falling asleep at 0400. I had woken up at 0300. I hope that doesn’t happen again. I’d go to the ER tomorrow if I thought I could scrape by without a hospitalization. But they don’t like to hear when patients tell them the voices are telling you to do things, especially harmful things like take a bottle of pills and lots of them. They also don’t like it when you tell them you rather not wake up in the morning.

I never played the lottery so if my numbers come out, I only have myself to blame. But something is telling me that no one is going to win tonight. Jackpot will be 2 billion dollars and then someone will win.