Tag: disability

Really Struggling

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Really Struggling

I got mail today that just put fuel to the fire of the voices. They have increased ten-fold since I got more paperwork for my disability claim. I am scared that I might lose my SSD because I am “fit to work”. I will fight it as my therapist and psychiatrist knows that I am not. The voices have been telling me that I am a lazy ass and other criticizing stuff. They all just say that I should just end it all by taking all my meds. I am freaking out. I took some trilafon finally because I thought I could handle them without medication. Not today. Today I am too vulnerable because I am stressing about my MRI results. The neurosurgeon still hasn’t called me with results and I am getting worried that either something is wrong or no new is good news. I know he might be too busy to call and if he doesn’t call today, I will call his office again tomorrow. Or I might just go to the hospital and request my damn records.

I am sort of scared for my sanity right now more than my safety. If I didn’t have things to do next week, I would be in the ER right now. This new paperwork has thrown me over the edge. I haven’t done anything today. I was supposed to go to the store to get my PowerBall tickets but I haven’t. I am scared that I will have to talk to someone. I really don’t feel like getting dressed and the money isn’t even motivating me to get dressed so I can play. I have a get well card that I bought last week that I still haven’t mailed. My friend is probably well now but want to let him know I am thinking about him.

I had a good friend call me today as I was so upset. It didn’t do anything for the voices but helped to talk about my stresses. I had therapy today and my therapist was encouraging me to take my PRN meds. I sent her the blog I wrote so she knows I have been having the voices for a while now. I have asked her to call me but she hasn’t yet. I am wicked scared that she will suggest going to the ER. I really don’t want to be hospitalized only because I need to get my pain meds refilled next week and if I am in the hospital, I won’t get it. It will be a pain in the ass to figure out how to get it because I am in flux with new providers. And if I have to wait to be seen, I will run out. Last thing I need is to be out of my pain meds when I have been having so much more pain lately because of the weather.

The new paperwork that I got said that I need to call if things have changed. I called because things have changed. I am psychotic, I am awaiting my MRI results for new pain that I have, and I have seen a new doctor (well one that is new to them, not me). I wish my phone would fucking ring. I emailed my psychiatrist about all the stressors that I have, well that I have stressors, I didn’t specify which ones are triggering me right now. I think that she will find them silly or not important. Voices have confirmed this. Course they are also telling not to trust my psychiatrist of 20+ years. I just feel really out of it and my head hurts. The voices are so damn loud and they are murmuring to one another. I find this annoying because I rather know what they are saying. When they do talk to me, they are telling me to do stuff. I feel really anxious but I don’t think an Ativan will do anything for me.

Everything is Pissing Me Off

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Everything is pissing me off

I have been on a tight cooker all day with the MRI. And now the pressure has finally been ticked off. I didn’t have contrast like I was supposed to. I don’t know why this is. I will find out Friday when I get the report. I will call the doc’s office tomorrow to get results, if they have them, but I want the report in my hand and to see the films with my own eyes.

I get another thing from Medicare enrolling me in a prescription drug plan. I don’t need one as I already have one through my disability from work. Why should I pay more for it? I got annoyed because I was on the phone for at least fifteen minutes for them to tell me again and again that I was disenrolled. It was like a damn recording but with a live person. ARGH!! Just do what you have to do and be done with it, dammit! Now I have to call the company they enrolled me in to unenroll in the plan. I am pissed. It didn’t say this on the paperwork, otherwise I would have called them in the first fucking place.

I am back to listening to Eric Church. I need some music that will calm me down. I took 900 mg of Neurontin. I really wanted to take that much in Ativan but I think that amount would be a) dangerous and b) I don’t think I have that much. Voices are winning tonight. Or maybe it’s just my impulsiveness and my aggravation to do something because I want to yell at someone right now and I don’t know who to yell at.

The MRI was weird. I have never, in 15 years, got wicked hot while the machine was running. I literally thought I was going to catch fire or something. And then when the tech said I didn’t need contrast, I knew something was up. Either the doc’s orders got messed up or my back is so messed up that they can see the damage without the contrast. I am more of a nervous wreck now than I was before. I swear if I wasn’t seeing/talking with my therapist tomorrow, I would seriously take the bottle of Neurontin. I have to see my father tomorrow so that is kind of stopping me too. I really don’t want to see him because I am afraid he didn’t take his pills like he was supposed to. And that is my fault because I didn’t explain it clearly. I just assumed he would have a clue but you know what happens when you assume. I can kick myself for this. I’m also pissed because I filled his pills on Tuesday instead of Thursday. I will have to fill his new pill thing because I am not changing my routine for him. No fucking way. Tuesdays and Wednesdays are days when I go to Starbucks for my time. I am not going to change that for this arrogant bastard that doesn’t fucking give a damn except for himself.

I made a phone call today to find out why I couldn’t have access to my account online and found out I was blocked. Now I have to go to the office with my ID to clear it up. Fuck. The office is a pain in the ass to get to. I will have to take the Zipcar one day, if I can’t get the paperwork I need over the phone tomorrow by calling the office directly. I hope it works or I am fucking screwed.

To top my day off, I got a call from a scam artist saying that I have to call this 866 number or I will be taken to court and a lawsuit will be filed against me. They didn’t tell me what company they were calling from, who the people were that I was supposed to call. For all I know this company is Aruba and they just want to siphon money from my cellphone account. I looked up the number and it’s from some place in Texas. So let them take me to court. I am tired of playing games. I haven’t received anything in the mail in months saying that I need to call someone ASAP to avoid a court date and my address hasn’t changed in more than 10 years so fuck you and your 48 hours.

When I came home from the hospital, I was pretty dizzy. I guess the pain meds and an empty stomach will do that. Plus I was sweating like a pig. It was freezing out but I was just so damn hot. I had to change my T-shirt because it was soaked with sweat. Now I am in my room, all changed and I am freezing. Go figure that one out. I want pizza. I think I will get some tomorrow.

Random 321

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I have been sleeping most of the day. I just feel so tired after I took just two of my pain pills and a baclofen. My foot/ankle have been doing this reflex thing that is so painful. I woke up with my ankle screaming at me and decided the hell with it, I will sleep all day if I have to. Of course, my mother decided she was going to call me every few hours to disrupt my sleep. She doesn’t understand that when someone is sleeping they don’t want to answer the phone.

I just took my night meds and was shocked to find that today isn’t Saturday like I thought it was. I am glad I noticed that or this would have been a Saturday blog on a Friday. I didn’t go out today, though I wanted to. I really have to go out tomorrow and get my powerball tickets. I think the only reason there hasn’t been a jackpot winner is because I haven’t played. I will get two quick picks and hope for the best. I had a dream I was at work, in the lab, and I found out I won the 700 million dollars. I just went about my business, collecting tubes that have been logged in and putting them away or where they needed to go next. I miss working in the lab. It gave me something to do.

I am feeling a little bit better as far as my depression/suicidal feelings go. They come and go like the wind but sometimes stay around to cause a big storm. I think that is why I was so sleepy today. It just takes a lot out of you to deal with such strong emotions.

A blogger friend and my Twitter friends have been posting their dislike of Amazon’s new T-shirts that are for suicide like it’s a joke. I am also against it though I haven’t voiced my opinion on the matter. One shirt has a guy that is about to hang himself and another guy sitting down eating popcorn. The shirt is themed “Suicide Watch”. It totally is NOT funny and only further stigmatizes the struggle of suicide. No wonder people don’t take it seriously when they have these jackasses portraying it as a joke. The other shirt that they have is “got suicide”? I don’t find it funny at all.

My ex is trying to get in touch with me again. She created a new Facebook account just so she could message me. I haven’t read the message. We are always on and off again but she lives 90 miles away from me so I don’t really have to worry about her. The thing is, she is married and has a disabled child. She has her own issues and I just can’t deal because she doesn’t take care of herself. I can go on about it but I won’t because it is just too personal. Despite all this, we still love each other and we have this weird connection. Like we can go for years without talking and then pick up the phone and just start talking like there was no time elapse. We were penpals before we became lovers. But it’s difficult to be friends when we have such strong emotions for one another.

I still got this cold though I think I am getting better. I am not sneezing as much as I have been. I also need to try and drink as much fluid as possible over the next few days to pump up my veins. It will really suck if they can’t get a vein on Monday for the contrast. It will make the whole MRI useless.

Recovery…what does it mean?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Recovery…what does it mean?

I keep hearing people talk about recovery and I am at a loss. Can someone enlighten me on what the hell it is? And what exactly are you recovering from?

I hear from suicide attempt survivors all the time this word. Do people who think about suicide really recover after they attempt? Because I keep wanting to try again and again. I haven’t made an attempt in years but I think about suicide constantly. Or is recovery just something that happens after you learn different coping mechanisms?

The reason I do a lot of suicide research is because I want to find something to help me. If I never looked for it, I wouldn’t have found CAMS and the SSF so useful. I have also found other assessment tools but nothing else worked. Traditional therapy didn’t work for me. I had to find a therapist that treated me as an equal and collaborate with me on what works and what doesn’t. It’s still an ongoing process as my suicidality gets worse during certain times of the year than others.

I don’t think I will ever recover from my mental illness. I think it will wax and wane, just like my suicidality, but it will never get better. I might find symptom relief through medication but even with medication, my depressions get the better of me. They are too severe and too frequent to really get relief from them. Medication has been proven useless with treating them. I am just left to suffer through them until they pass.

Then I have the physical pain that I deal with. I don’t think I will ever recover from that. It just seems to get worse during the temps of New England. My former PCP thought that I can just do something to make me feel better and things would be better. Wishful thinking. As much as I don’t want to be on meds, I know it’s my new way of life. It’s the only way I can survive. Otherwise, I think I would entertain the thoughts of killing myself, and by entertain, I mean attempt.