Tag: mental illness

I appear too normal to be crazy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, psychosis

I talked with my psychiatrist yesterday about all that was going down. I didn’t give her specific details about what I was doing just on how I was feeling. She just wanted to make sure she knew that I knew that if something was up, I was to let her know. This was all via email and again today I tried to set up an appointment with her. Still no dice.

I have been thinking about what to write about next in my book and got nothing. A little bit about what I wrote in yesterday’s blog might make it’s way in. I don’t know. I am still mulling over writing the stupid constriction blog my therapist wants me to do only because it will give me something to do but the thing is, it has been so long since I talked about it, I have to research the terms so I am writing correctly. I would hate to have this piece and it just be an idea of what I think it is when in reality it has nothing to do with the actual definition. And other than defining what constriction is, I don’t know I can go beyond that. I might turn it into a psychache paper of sorts. But I don’t have the idea yet in my head. That is the toughest part about writing.

I started writing in my journal again. Since I have been blogging, I have gone away with the paper writing, except in my day journal when I bring it with me. I used to write in my night journal nearly every night and then it just got away from me. I figured my online blog would be sufficient. But there are some things that I don’t like to post online so I guess it is good that I still have the journal. I don’t know when exactly I started keeping two journals, one I carry around with me when I am out and the other at my bedside. I guess when I was sharing my journals with my therapist it started. But seeing as I rarely see my therapist anymore, I don’t share with her what I write. It’s tough just trying to get her to read one of my blogs that might be good for us. She says she just doesn’t have time, but I think it’s that she forgets. Then I have to read my blog entry to her to discuss it. It kind of sucks because I hate reading what I write. But it also is a good way of editing sometimes. I like to think that what I write makes sense when I type it but sometimes it doesn’t because I miss a word or combine two ideas in the same sentence.

It’s Friday and I have nothing planned today. I want to get some sun in my back yard and maybe fill the kiddie pool to soak my feet and splash around for a little bit. But it will be boring with no one else around. I can’t read outside as the glare just bothers my eyes. Speaking of reading, I am hating the Team of Rivals book that I am reading. The author is dragging out every minute detail of how Lincoln got elected, how he chose his cabinet, everything. No wonder this book is over 800 pages!! I get interested in it but after reading the back and forth of how Seward got to be the Secretary of State, I got pissed off and have not gone back to it. You already knew that he was the SOS so why draw it out?? Three pages of it!! If it wasn’t such a heavy book, I would have thrown it across the room.

On the same kind of note, my review for the pen pal book got a “helpful” rating. I am glad that it did. I never got one of those before. I hope it helps my friend out.

The voices were rampant last night. I couldn’t sleep despite taking my meds and I had to take the heavy guns to stop my thoughts from thinking. They just kept on wanting to talk or have conversations with them just to keep me up. I couldn’t stand it. Then soon as I would get nice and settled, a voice would start all over again. It’s a miracle I fell asleep last night. I really thought I would pull an all nighter. Then I had to keep my hands off my laptop for fear of writing another blog or just keep checking statuses on Facebook or play my games. I almost had to shut down the laptop so I wouldn’t go on as it was nearing 0200. But I finally fell asleep and didn’t wake up till 0830. I had some breakfast and then went back to sleep. So far the voices are settled but they can come back at any time. The worse part is that I have no one to talk to about this. It’s not like I can tell my sisters or even my mother about this as they don’t know I hear voices. I have kept it under wraps all my life. I made the mistake of telling a cousin about my voices and now she uses it as a punchline. I have not told anyone since. I appear too “normal” to be crazy. Sometimes I tell my cousin Joe but I don’t think he gets it sometimes. Hearing voices is difficult to explain to people. The best way to describe it is to say that the conversations that you hear in a lunchroom or at a Starbucks are in your head rather than out. Sometimes it’s just one conversation, sometimes it is just one voice that is above the others and they tell you what to do. Mostly I have three main voices and each one is different. All female, mostly but the mean ones are male. One will constantly criticize what I am doing. Why I am eating that, going this particular way, or just be annoying by asking me questions the whole time I am going some where. Then I have the voices that ask questions until I pass out. I have a full fledged conversation in my room or while I am walking. Over the years I have learned to tune them out so they are not distracting me. But sometimes when I am stressing out about something, they will come out and I will talk out loud to shut them up. Because I have just the three voices, usually, I can handle them. But when I get agitated, sometimes more voices will pop out, like they have the past few days. Usually medication keeps them at bay but sometimes they get commanding. And that is when I have to go to the hospital because I want to do what they say. This coupled with delusions that I am a messenger of god or something is bad. I once had Allah talking to me and he was telling me that I had to sacrifice myself so that the war in Afghan would end. I really believed him so was making plans to end my life so not to disappoint him. It was crazy thinking now but it wasn’t then.

sleeplessness and mania

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders

I have been up since 0130. I have tried going back to sleep but it has been a useless battle. My throat is still hurting but I don’t see my primary until next week. I feel silly making an appointment a week apart.

I emailed my psychiatrist about the symptoms I have been having. I told her about the euphoria last week and now me not sleeping. I feel manic but I don’t have the euphoria to go with it. I also have been feeling under the weather still with this cold or allergies that I have. I am congested all in my head and my throat still hurts. I had therapy today and it was quite a treat. I couldn’t speak at normal volume because I still am hurting. I also told my psychiatrist I missed two days of meds because I couldn’t swallow. I still can’t swallow too good but it is better. Every thing doesn’t go down like rocks. So far I have not heard back from her and I am kind of worried when she doesn’t respond. I want to know what to do or if I should just do things on my own. I am really shocked that I only slept for about four hours with taking 1200 mg of Neurontin. That shit usually knocks me out for at least twelve hours.

I had my buffalo wings for lunch. I was so looking forward to them. I should have put them on broil for a few minutes to have them crispy but I was so hungry I said the hell with it. I have not eaten since yesterday. And I have been up for thirteen hours now. After I write this blog, I am going to try and take a nap. The Ativan I took a couple of hours ago has helped with the racing thoughts. I feel much calmer now but I still don’t see a sleep time in my future.

I had therapy today. That was fun. We mostly talked about me being sick and me being up for so long. I should have gone back to sleep this morning but I never did. I have been on my laptop and I finished watching “Lincoln” the movie. I started watching it last night but I fell asleep. This must have been around 9 or so. Then I wake up 0130 in pain. I texted my therapist most of the night giving her updates. I texted her at 0530 saying I was up and then again at 0630 the same thing. I gave up trying to go back I really did because it was morning anyways. But around 0930 I started to lose some gas so thought I would be able to snooze. Problem was my mother was not home and people were calling her non-stop. The phone just rang and rang, pissing me off. I finally got up to tell the idiot that she wasn’t home but they had stopped calling by the time I made it to my mother’s bedroom.

I have no idea what the hell is going on with my phone. Last week I was unable to make any calls going out. So had the sprint customer service guy go over my plan. I thought it was because I owed them money but I actually had a credit on the account. The guy asked if I got a new phone. I said no. I have had the same phone for over a year. He tells me to power it off and then power it on. I was grateful that he didn’t tell me to take the battery out because it is a bitch to take the cover off and put it back on. Once the phone was turned on, it says that it is connecting to the network activation like a new phone. I was like WTF. Just now I had a voicemail and it says that I have to customize my voicemail. HUH??? I got through the process like I have a new phone. So fucking weird I tell you. So I hope that now I don’t have any problems with my phone after all the updates and such. I still have all my apps and text messages, though I don’t remember hearing my old voicemail messages. Oh well. I don’t remember who called anyways.

The guy from the group psychotherapy called me. He wants to know if I am coming back or if this is it. I am going to tell him it is over. I can’t go back to the group because it just isn’t for me. I was getting wicked suicidal after each session so I know that it wasn’t working out like I had planned. I never felt that way with my other groups.

My throat is still hurting me. It hurts when I swallow, it hurts when I try to clear it, and it hurts just doing nothing. My pain meds help take the pain away so I am happy about that. I just want it to go away NOW. I hate having a cold. And if that is what I have I will be overdosing on vitamin D until this goes away. Vitamin D boosts the immune system with a cytokine that actually helps respiratory infections. I did a lot of research with vitamin D when I was working with researchers so I know a little something about this awesome vitamin. I know that part of the reason I got sick was because I had stopped taking it. I didn’t mean to stop, I just forgot to add it to my pill pack.

I was going to work on my book today but I think I will work on my other project, my Lyrics. It is a compilation of songs that have meaning for me so I write the lyrics down and then I will write what they mean to me. I think it is a good exercise in writing, one that has not been done before, least to my current knowledge. I doubt that I will get it published because of copyrights and such but I can always keep the notebook I am writing in. the copyright people don’t have to know. I often wonder how artists and writers are able to go to the publishers and get the copyrights for their books. Kay Redfield Jamison is one of those authors that uses other people’s work in her books. I wonder if her editor helps her with that or if they contact the publishing company, because most of what she writes the people are dead. For example, she wrote about a letter that Edgar Allan Poe wrote. Pretty difficult to get his permission to publish in her book as he has been dead for over a hundred years.

Poe is one of my favorite authors. I have not read all his works. When I saw the Movie the raven, I revisited his works on the topics they were covering and they were quite strange and creepy. I couldn’t finish reading it. Rats eating a man because he was there with them. Gross! The rats didn’t kill him but the thought of them feasting on him because they were looking for food just freaked me out and I couldn’t read anymore because the man went insane. I forget the rest of the story but it wasn’t good. No my favorite Poe story is the tell-tale heart. I read that in my freshman year of high school and was a Poe lover from then on. I never got to read murder in the Rue morgue but maybe someday I will. I have a lot of time on my hands these days because I don’t work. But reading can be difficult to do at times especially when the depression is bad and you can’t think. I started a book, several actually, and have not finished one except for the books that I had to write reviews for. Even though I have the time, I just don’t manage it wisely. I rather be on Facebook playing my games than read. Though there have been times that I have been bored with Facebook and decided to read any ways. My mother thinks that because I am in my room all the time I am sleeping. She doesn’t know that I am working on my writing or reading or just being on the computer. She tells me that I sleep too much. HA! If only I truly did!! It’s now been almost fourteen hours that I have been up on four hours sleep. But even though I am tired, I know that I won’t be able to sleep. I am just too restless. My brain is not racing but it is over tired like I am. But I am going to try sleeping anyway so that maybe this cold that I have has a chance of spending less time with me.

Until the next time…

May is National Mental Health Awareness Month

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

May is National Mental Health Month by Presidential Proclamation. I know I should feel happy that steps are being made to make mental health issues more aware to people but at the same time, I can help but feel resentful that I cannot find a therapist within a five mile radius of my house because of the severity of my illness. When my therapist and I knew that I couldn’t see her anymore because distance was a factor, I tried finding another therapist. I didn’t try once or twice. I tried ten fricken times. The last therapist that I saw locally was at a mental health clinic I used to go to as a teen but he was too scared of me. He was too afraid I might kill myself so that made it difficult for me to trust him. How could I work with some one that was scared of me? I am sure my current therapist gets scared when I tell her I am suicidal. Her anxiety goes up because she like to talk stupid things. I get that me being suicidal is not easy for mental health clinicians. It’s a clinician’s worse nightmare to hear that their client is suicidal or thinking about ending their life. But I know there are going to be a lot of people who have had past attempted suicides that are going to be in the same boat I am. No one wants to deal with this population. It is a crying shame. And no wonder Suicide is a leading killer of the United States.

In addition to me having mental health issues, I also have physical issues that prevent me from walking long distances. It makes me crazy that I have this problem and my mental health team does so much to help me deal with it. I was once working two jobs, but that proved to be too much for me and now I am collecting social security benefits and wondering if I will ever be able to hold down a job again. I don’t know. I really want to go back to school but I cannot afford it financially. I have defaulted on my student loans so there is no hope of me ever going back to school on my income. I know it is my fault and it pains me so severely that I want to kill myself because I know I have wrecked whatever credit I ever had. It physically and emotionally hurts knowing that my credit is fucked. I can never own another credit card for as a long as I live and I cannot begin to think of what lies ahead. I always hear that some jobs require a credit history check. If that is the case for me, I know I will not be able to get back to work.
I hate the idea of not being able to support myself. I know that I have made mistakes in my life and if I could do it over again, I would not make the same one. I would be further along in my degree and I would be on my way of being the kind of therapist I want to be. I know that there will always be risks with working with suicidal clients. I know because I am one of them. But mental health awareness campaigns do help screen for depression. But it doesn’t help those that want to kill themselves. Very rarely do you see the question on questionnaires, do you or have you thought of killing yourself in the past week.

So I wonder now that May is mental health awareness month, will I be able to find a therapist within a five mile radius from my house?

feeling scared still

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Watched the baseball game today. It was a good game. Red Sox won 6-1 and swept the Astros. Now they head up to Toronto to face the Blue Jays.

I stayed in most of the day. I didn’t feel like going out. I have been in pain. It is beautiful out and I am hurting. I can’t stand it. But today is Sunday and I can’t really go out unless I have a car. The buses are running but they don’t go to Davis Square. I really wish they would. But I don’t make the rules.

I had bad dreams last night, Well more like weird dreams. I wish I could remember them now but I have forgotten them. I know my psychiatrist was in one of them and I think we were talking about the bombings. As much as I am trying to move on from the bombings, seems everywhere has the Boston Strong logo. Even the MBTA buses.

I still seem to be in a down mood. I just can’t get out of the funk. I wish I could. But it is not easy. I have been in pain the past few days since going to the ball game on Thursday night. What usually is a fun time turn ugly as that night I couldn’t sleep and then had to wake up early the next day to go to my appointments. I have been playing catch up ever since and the pain is winning. I just can’t seem to get it under control. I thought I had it today but then around nine it flared its ugly head and back to sleep I went for a couple of hours. I should have taken a pain pill then, but I forgot to refill my pill box the night before. Right now my foot is cold despite it being under blankets. And my last toe on my left foot is throbbing like a SOB. It feels like I stubbed it but I didn’t so I don’t know where this pain is from. I know it is nerve pain because it is a stabbing, kind of throbbing. I just want to cut my toe off. I took a pain pill so hopefully it will calm down before I make it hurt.

My cousins from Virginia have been calling. I have been meaning to return their calls but I just don’t feel like talking. I just want to be left alone. I am just not in a talking mood. I know I might feel better if I do talk with them but I know I won’t be able to handle it if they start talking about the bombings. I just can’t talk about it without crying my eyes out. Even as I am writing this I am getting anxious just thinking about it.

I just can’t get over this fear that something more is going to happen. I don’t know if this is rational or not. I just want the fear to go away but I guess it is always there. We always know there are bad people out there that want to hurt other people for no reason. You got the mentally ill that think of these plots to kill people with automatic rifles like those used for the school shooting in Newtown. How can you be safe. I can’t stay home all the time. I have to go out some of the time. But it’s hard. It used to be my depression kept me in because I just didn’t feel like going out. Now it is more than that. I hope that with therapy I can get past it but I am not sure. I have not moved to the anger phase of the PTSD yet. I don’t know if I ever will. I am frightened. Sounds of motorcycles are like gunfire to me. I try not to let anyone know that I am scared. I have to appear to be strong. But my mother is noticing a change in me that I have not noticed before. I know part of the reason for my fears is because of my finances and how I am going to get on with just the few bucks I have in my pocket right now. I need to go grocery shopping but I don’t have enough to get all that I need. I can ask my mother for the money I gave her to save for me but then that will be last of my saved money and once it is gone, it is gone. I still have not paid the cable bill. But I think eating is more important. Oh and my doctor wants me to lose weight through all this. Wants me to lose just one pound. I told him I would try. But I have been eating junk food all day. I did good this morning. Had my bowl of cereal but then it all went to crap after I woke up from my nap to watch the game. How am I supposed to lose weight when I am stressed out and all I want to eat is a bag of chips??