Tag: mood disorders

Three Mississippi

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I’m feeling really depressed right now. All the events of this afternoon’s session has hit me. I don’t want to fucking live anymore. I should do what Hyde wants and just end things. I just can’t handle being in pain every single day/night anymore and my mental bar keeps fluctuation toward good and bad. I am sick of it. Sick of it all.

I am so pissed off. I don’t know why I let my therapist talk about Hyde. I knew it wasn’t a good idea but what the hell, she is the professional, what do I know. I am stuck in this suicidal mindset. Time is ticking. I have already chosen a date and this time I am not telling my therapist the date. I am hurting too much and I want to end things. I would do it tonight but I have to settle things with my damn father first.

I have been listening to Terri Clark for most of the evening. I heard “Three Mississippi” and it reminded me that I am past the number 3. I have given myself a lot of Mississippis and I haven’t gotten anywhere. I have tried to get help but it doesn’t matter. Year after year I still fight the urge to kill myself and I am so damn tired of fighting it so I am giving up. My life is just not worth living anymore.

I know my therapist will be devastated. I have tried to warn her to drop me but she still holds on. She should have dropped me years ago. I don’t know why she didn’t. I will see her one last time the week that I die. I have tried everything I could think of to keep the demons at bay but they are just too powerful for me. She has tried, too. I just can’t be fixed. I am too broken.

Difficult therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Difficult therapy session

I had sent my therapist the “Hyde here” blog that I wrote the other night. We ended up talking a lot about my “parts”, mainly Jack and Hyde. She wanted to know more about what brought Hyde out and I told her I was exhausted but felt the need to write. Hyde always comes out when I am in that state. Jack has been elusive. He only seems to come out if I am angry at my therapist or something she says triggers him. I don’t know too much about him but I think today I figured out that he has been a part of me longer than I thought. I think he has been a part of me since my teen years when I was cutting. There was a dissociative episode I had when I was 17. I had started cutting and spaced out. As I was telling her this, I could feel Jack saying it was him. It is possible. A lot of anger and pain was expressed in all the cuts I was doing over the years.

She was trying to engage the parts but I can’t call them up on command. She said that it was important to talk about this. I had texted her before our session I didn’t want to talk about my father at all. I felt like we had spent enough time talking about him on Tuesday. But she brought him up anyways. I was vulnerable and something triggered me crying. So I spent the last few minutes of session crying because I couldn’t stop. I had gotten angry at one point and that almost always leads to a crying spell. But I was crying tears of sadness because I know my father isn’t going to be around much longer, if things progress the way they do. I never had a good relationship with him because he is a liar and an abusive one at that.

We also talked about my suicidality a little bit. Hyde is tied to my suicidality. He wants to die and so do I. But I have been failing at it because of my therapist. She wanted to know when he was formed and I have no idea. He is a part of me that comes out when I am extremely exhausted, usually doped up on meds, and am fighting sleep yet have the urge to write. I also feel slightly suicidal when he makes an appearance. He has been quiet a lot lately because I haven’t been so suicidal for whatever reason. The psychache has been relieved. I don’t feel as much psychological pain lately as I did in the past. I think it’s due to increasing my mood stabilizer. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel sad and depressed at times.

My therapist stirred a bunch of stuff up for me today. I found it very exhausting. I am glad I don’t have to talk to her till Tuesday. I was thinking about writing my recovery from self harm but I don’t think I will do that today. It’s just too triggering for me and I don’t want Jack to come out. My therapist called him like a bodyguard. Maybe he is. I don’t know. He is elusive and only came out at least twice since “finding” him. My therapist brought up the woman I can’t stand as she had told her that my “parts” need a voice or they will kill me. As whacky as this woman is, I think she might be right about this one. It makes sense. But I won’t tell my therapist that.

“Humans”

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Humans

We were at my father’s appointment and they were running 45 minutes behind. When we asked for an explanation, the nurse said “humans”. I kid you not. Like what the fuck aren’t we all? I was more pissed than I already was. So a ½ hour appointment took three damn hours. I hadn’t had lunch and was starving by the time I got home. The last time I ate something was around 0630.

Other than this appointment from hell, my day went okay. Next time I will be bringing a book because I am not going to stare at the ceiling for two hours. Waiting for three hours, killed my ankle. I am hurting but I can dope up on meds and not deal with my father until Friday, though I expect him to call me because the doc changed his meds around. I had to count them to see if I put in all of them in the box. I was tired as the bus ride to his house gave me anxiety again because another monster stroller came on. There was already a wheelchair person on the bus so the front was congested and I headed to the back to get some air.

My blood pressure pills finally came today. They took a trip around the US, going from New Jersey to Connecticut to Illinois to Boston. I am glad they got delivered because I had one more morning dose and then I would be out. I would have had to take from my night meds and that was something I wanted to avoid because my brain can only hold so much information these days. I also got my allergy pills today, something I was not expecting until next week. I just hope tomorrow my Pearl Jam bag gets delivered. I feel I deserve this expensive bag for dealing with an imbecile bastard father. The bag cost $90 and is the most expensive bag that I will own. It’s made by Patagonia, which is why it is so expensive. Tack on the Pearl Jam label and well they have to get their royalties too.

I should have brought my Roots story with me to edit it. I meant to print it out but it was raining and I didn’t want soggy papers so ditched it at the last minute. I didn’t bring my tablet for the same reason. I will bring both on Friday when we have yet another appointment.

I haven’t heard back from my psychiatrist about getting an appointment from her. I am tempted to call her office and demand one. But I don’t think that will fly. I am sure she reads the email, plans on responding and then gets distracted, never responding. Least that is what I hope happens. I will need a refill on two of my medications by the time my father is done with all his appointments. I have explained this to her in the last email I sent her. I just have anxiety when she doesn’t respond because I don’t know if she is mad at me and that is why she is not responding or if she is just in email jail and can’t respond. Or she had a brain fart and forgot about responding.

I got therapy tomorrow and I think I am going to go to Starbucks in the morning so I can have some me time. I really want a soy latte and their breakfast sandwich that I love. I will print off the roots story and see if I can play with it. I want to get this baby up to 2000 words and I am falling short.

Oh, and hold the presses! Mary Chapin Carpenter, my favorite artist of all time, is coming out with a new CD in May! I cannot fricken wait. I think I can get it in vinyl but a CD will suffice. My mother hogs the TV room where the turntable is so I would only be able to listen to it late at night or when she is out of the house. I rather listen to it in my room. New music from her is going to be heaven. She has such a calming voice on me. I always listen to her when I am in need to calming or need to relax. She has an orchestral album that is very relaxing. That came out I think two years ago. I would LOVE to hear that album at the Boston Symphony. It would be epic!

Hyde here

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hyde here

I am feeling really suicidal. I am in pain and I just can’t take it anymore. I almost sat on my glasses and that set things off. Now Hyde is out and I can’t get him back in. He has been quiet for a long time but he wants to talk so I am going to let him. I am safe. This is just his words…

My heart is broken and I don’t know how to fix it. I have tried to with therapy and medication but it seems that no matter what I do, I can’t fix myself. So why can’t I just kill myself? I have no meaning here. I have no purpose. Sure I take care of my bastard father but he doesn’t care if I live or die. I don’t think many people will care if I die.

Tonight my feet were cold so I put on some thermal socks. They were on for a couple of hours and then my feet got really hot. I now have an indentation on my bad foot were the sock dug into me. My foot is still swollen from yesterday and it hurts really bad. I don’t know why I have to live like this. I thought I was a good person but I guess I am not.

I don’t want to be a writer like my psych team wants me to be. I can’t write for shit. Sure I can blog, but that isn’t the same as writing a book. I added owls to my story and it sucks. I don’t know what I was thinking. I am such a bad writer.

I am very tired of trying to stay alive. I should kill myself. It makes no sense to go on. My heart always hurts worse than my foot. Least my foot can get relief with medication. But nothing helps my heartache. I am trying to stay awake to write this. I haven’t been out in so long. I just want to die and push up daisies. Or not even that. Just spread my ashes behind the City Yards near the water. That is my favorite place in the world. I wish I could go there often but I don’t have a car anymore and it’s too far to walk. I didn’t want to live past 40 years. I had every intention to die but my stupid fucking loser of a therapist wanted me to live. She is such an idiot and Jack agrees with me. He hates her really bad. I don’t know why.

I got to go. Meds are knocking me out. Just know that I really want to kill the host and I hope I will succeed one day. Soon as I figure it out, I will do it.