Tag: psych hospital

overwhelmed 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, psychosis

Having a really rough day. Talked to my therapist this afternoon and she really thinks I should be inpatient with the psychosis being active. I am torn now because I think I do need some stabilization but I am so afraid that things might not go as I think it might. I was having little dreams last night where I went in and because they wouldn’t give me my pain meds, I flipped out, which is never a good thing on a psych unit. I demanded to be discharged AMA (against medical advise) but there is always a three day waiting period for you to be evaluated and such before they grant you discharge or not. Plus I am hoping I will have access to my tablet so I can listen to music or I will go nuts while I am there. I have a blue tooth headset that I can use so I don’t have to worry about them taking away my wired headphones.

Today I am still overwhelmed. I didn’t have a good night last night because of pain. It kept jolting me into panic mode so I had to take another Ativan to calm down. Eventually I fell asleep. But now I just feel on edge and like I am being watched. I guess you can say I am paranoid. I don’t like being paranoid. But I am in the safety of my room so I know that nothing will really hurt me while I am here.

I had to copy the music that is on my phone to my laptop so I can then copy it onto my tablet. I don’t remember the last time I updated the music folder on my tablet so it will be good to have my current playlist and stuff.

I got a call from Dell saying they received my laptop and are working on it. I am glad. I was getting worried about it as it has been almost a week since I sent it out FedEx. I hope my baby is still in one piece. I also had a worry that I might not be able to get my laptop back as my mother is deaf and can’t hear the stupid doorbell. If I am in the hospital, it might not get back to me right away. There is no one else that can sign for it as everyone else has work or school. Great. Just when I think I can go in, I think of something to prevent it from happening. I know that I shouldn’t care and take care of myself and all that but you don’t know what is going to happen when you are inpatient. You might be there a few days or a few weeks. You might have cell phone privileges or you might not. Either way, I can risk my baby sitting in storage while I am in the hospital. If I don’t pick it up by the time they specify, they might return it back to Dell and that would soooo suck!! I wish I knew why it took so friggen long to get it to Dell. Last time it only took 3 days! I am just wicked anxious right now. I probably am just rambling over nothing.

I just feel so overwhelmed and I don’t know why. I really am thinking of going to the psych ER. Sometimes just sitting in the waiting room calms me down enough that I tell them I don’t need to be admitted, that I am having a hard time and stuff but I don’t need to be in the hospital. I had that happen to me when one time when I was psychotic. I ended up going in the hospital a few days later but still it saved me a weekend trip in the hospital. I still haven’t packed a bag yet. I have no idea what to bring or wear. I mostly just pack a pair of jammies, underwear, socks, t-shirts, and sweatpants. I usually wear a pair of jeans when I go in. I figure I don’t need much because I can always wash my clothes if I have a long stay. But deciding what book to bring and stuff always gets me. I usually try and bring a good book that is light, even if I don’t read it. My last admission I brought a Cognitive therapy suicide book. It helped me to do the exercises and stuff, got me thinking on how to get better. I was half way through it when I got discharged and have not touched the book since then.

It’s so hard going into the hospital. I have been inpatient more times than I like to admit. Before the age of 25, I had almost 20 admissions. Since then I have had almost ten admissions. I think this time will be my 31st or 32nd, so I know what to expect, how long the wait will be, what to bring, what not to bring. I do know I have to make a medication list and bring my hormone pills just in case they don’t have the brand I am using. And I have to stress to the admitting doc that I take all my meds at night, which is not an easy task as things get lost in the shuffle. It’s easier when it’s a day admission and you actually meet the psychiatrist you are going to be seeing. But it’s rare that this happens. My only fear is a body search, where you have to undress in front of a staff member. Those things are so humiliating. But I understand them as patients try to sneak in contraband or worse drugs to shoot up or snort while in the hospital. The worst part are the smokers. They no longer let people who smoke out for a break as most hospitals have a strict no smoking policy. The worst is being around them jones-ing for a butt. They are provided nicotine patches but I don’t think they work for some them. Also what I find silly is that you are allowed to charge your cell phone but you can’t use it on some units. I hope I get admitted to the hospital I was at before. It will be a pain in the ass to get home from if I don’t get a ride but at least I know I can use my cell phone and tablet without a problem.

psychosis and pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I wasn’t going to blog today but seeing as I can’t sleep because of pain, I thought I would at least give an update.

I am not doing well. My foot has so many different types of pain going on right now at varying levels that I just want to scream. I am waiting for pain meds to kick in so I can go to sleep. I am fricken exhausted. I did a lot today. I picked up my niece from her after school program and went to Walgreens a few times because even though I got an email saying my prescription was ready, it wasn’t. The doctor’s order didn’t go through yet. But no matter. I got some donuts and my pop tarts that I have been craving. I will NEVER buy “Nice” products again!! Their donuts suck! Actually, I have yet to find a “Nice” product that didn’t suck.

I called my pdoc today to give her an update on the psychosis. She wanted me to go into the hospital. I don’t feel like it. I think that maybe I should but I got to get through this pain flare up. I know they aren’t going to readily give me my pain meds on the unit. I had hell the last time I was on the psych unit to get them. And especially how the stupid script is written, I probably won’t be able to take two at a time like I do when I am home. Sometimes one does suffice, sometimes it doesn’t. I also have to be wary about my birth control pill as I don’t want fucking break through bleeding again. The idiot admitting doc always puts meds at the morning and I take all my meds at night, right before bed. I will have to stress that to the docs and admitting nurses because if I get a call at 8 in the morning to take my meds I am going to be more than pissed off.

I still have the song on loop in my head. And the lyrics are still talking to me about death and dying. I haven’t told anyone. I was going to tell my sister tonight but she was wicked stressed from work I didn’t want to burden her more. I will eventually because it looks like I will be going in. I just want this flare up a little bit under control before I do go in.

It’s really going to suck being inpatient because I won’t be able to blog. I might be able to if I have access to my phone but there is no guarantees that I will. I still am planning on what to pack for clothes and stuff. I have no idea what I am going to read, if anything. I find it hard to read anyways while in the hospital but I might be able to finish the Lincoln book I am reading if I take it with me. Only thing is, it’s a heavy book and I am not sure I want the extra load as I might have to take the T home if my sister is unable to pick me up. I want to pack light but I usually over pack or take too much. I usually end up taking the T to the hospital anyways. This time I am thinking I might go to where I used to work as I am afraid I will end up somewhere else. Only trouble is that I don’t know where I will end up. I hope that I will go where I was before but am afraid the ambulance ride will cost me too much like when I went to the city hospital near my town. Since going on a new insurance, I don’t have 100% coverage like I used to have. I think I have like 80% coverage or something like that. I know I want to bring just one bag with me. And maybe a backpack. I usually pack a bag of clothes and then my backpack has my reading stuff and journal. I usually also carry my pillow as the hospital pillows suck!

I hope the extra trilafon that I am taking helps. I really don’t want to go in the hospital if I can avoid it. But a part of me knows what is probably not going to be possible with the level of psychosis that I have been having.

stuck in misery

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

It’s after midnight and I am still in a lot of pain. I can’t sleep. My foot is throbbing like there is no tomorrow but alas tomorrow is here. I don’t know if I will fall asleep. I just took some more pain meds. That is four pills within two hours. I don’t care. My pain is a ten and I can’t stand it any longer. I feel like my foot is not even mine, that it belongs to someone else. This is the second time that my foot has been through the roof and I have dissociated my body part. I know this isn’t a good thing. I am meeting with my pdoc tomorrow and will discuss this with her. Maybe she can give me some tips to deal with this crap. But I doubt it. She will just reassure me that I am not going crazy, refill my prescription for my antipsychotic that I need, and set up another appointment with her in two weeks. I don’t know why I am going on continuing to suffer like this. I should just end it all. I just need to place a plastic bag over my head. But I don’t want my family finding me like that. I swear that is the only thing that is stopping me. If I had some other method that was less painful for them I might try it. Or if I could get a hotel room that would be better. Ah Ha, the midnight demons have surfaced and I am talking about death again. Funny, I don’t feel like Mr. Hyde. I don’t have the dread feeling I usually do when Hyde takes over. Maybe I am just feeling so badly because I want this pain to stop and it has been hours and it still has not ceased. I came home around four this afternoon. My ankle gave out on me around three. I remember the time because I wanted to catch the dreaded 15:13 bus. But I missed it when I was off trying to figure out what to get for dinner at the meat market.

I haven’t felt this way in over two weeks. I know last week I felt like taking the bottle of pain killers but this week, the pain has been so bad I can’t think straight to kill myself. thing is I don’t want to die, I just want the pain to stop. But I don’t want to live either, so what am I going to do? I have been writing in my journal for the past hour and filled it up. Now I have to move on to another journal. I started that journal in May. I am hoping the new Journal lasts until the end of December. God I hate feeling like this. I feel so useless and hopeless. I really feel like everything is just so dark and gray. I don’t see any colors except black. It is terrible to feel this way. Part of me knows this will pass but another part of me is unsure. I am tempted to call my pdoc. I know that I will see her tomorrow but I am worried about my safety. I took two ativans to try and calm me down and they have not kicked in yet. My foot is so bad that I can’t move my toes and every time I can’t move my toes on my left foot, I panic. I think that CES, cauda equina syndrome is back. I have to keep telling myself that I am not in severe back pain, that I still have control over my leg even though I can’t move my toes, that I am not numb like I should be if I was getting CES again. I am not saying that this is in my head. I know it is not. It’s just that the pain is making me crazy and thinking all this stupid shit. That is why I take the ativan, to help calm me down and stop the endless thought process. But tonight it just doesn’t seem to help me. I am stuck in misery. I can’t get unstuck.

I bought some pens tonight. I got a temporary “high” from my buying powers. I love buying pens. I don’t need them but I just have to have them. I got different colors this time. I usually just buy black pens but they had these cool looking colored pens so I had to get them. I can’t wait till they come in.

I bought a book that my psychiatrist wrote. I haven’t started reading it yet. It is about child mental illness so I am not sure I want to read it. I feel bad for kids that have mental problems, and I don’t mean just ADHD. When I was in college my psych professor had us read about a kid named Gus. He went through many hospitalizations and foster homes because he was depressed and suicidal. he was also a very abused kid. It was tough reading it. I think child abusers should be shot torturously before finally putting a bullet through their head or they should be fed to hogs alive. I have been abused and would so want my abuser to go through the kind of pain that he put me through.

I have been debating going into the hospital for a few weeks now. I am thinking that I might have to and that now is a “good” time to go. I always get really depressed and suicidal around this time of year and it lasts until February usually. It never fails that the middle of September I fall into the pit of depression and I can’t get out of it. It has been this way since 2005. Thing is, I am too lazy this time to actually pack my things like I usually do. I keep putting it off, saying I don’t need to. But I have my menses right now and I hate having to wear female underwear and then having to change pads while in the hospital. You don’t get a bin to throw the pads away and have to use the main bucket in the bathroom so it is really gross to have to do your business then carry the trash with you. Maybe I will go when the menses stop, whenever they do. But I am hoping I will feel better afterwards and I won’t have to do. I have not been in the hospital for over a year. But I know I need to go in. I need my batteries recharged, so to speak. I can’t quite explain the relief I feel when I am in a locked unit in the hospital. Sure it will suck not having my laptop with me but I am hoping I will have my tablet at least. I also hope I will have my headphones with me. that is all that I want. And of course my journal and writing pad. The only thing that will suck is that I will have a shit load of blogs to type up when I get out. I might be able to type up in the hospital on the tablet but I am not sure about internet connection. Course it all depends what kind of unit I get placed into.

out of spoons, again

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Today I am supposed to meet up with a childhood friend. I have known this person since middle school, we lost touch after high school, then worked together in the lab at the local hospital. We became better friends while working together.

I got up earlier than I usually do today. My niece had some excitement this morning and startled me awake and I couldn’t go back to sleep. So I showered and got dressed, brushed my teeth. Now I feel like I could go back to sleep. Most of my spoons have been used up. I am hungry but I don’t know what I really want for breakfast yet. I still am debating going back to sleep to recharge myself.

I am feeling out of sorts today and not sure I know why. I had a good sleep before I was rudely awakened. I found a composition book for my therapist to write in while she is gone. I thought of writing in there before here but I don’t really feel like writing twice. I am feeling kind of depressed. My Sox lost last night and the stinking Rays won. Now they are three games behind us instead of four.

I really need to do something with my time. I am failing at cleaning my car to get some money for it. I don’t know why it is so difficult for me. I guess I just can’t do it because that will mean losing the car for good. And I don’t like it. I kind of fell in love with the car but I didn’t take good care of it. I should have replaced the struts when I was supposed to but it cost a lot of money. And it was either pay off this bill or fix the car. I never have been good at budgeting money. In fact, I down right SUCK at it. But I guess with me just getting paid one time a month, I am learning. As long as I have money for my Starbucks (which is the highest priority), I don’t really care for much else. I have been living off cereal this week. I wanted to make some eggs but it seems too much of an effort. I guess I am too lazy to make an egg sandwich. But there are a lot of effort to go through to make the sandwich. Stuff that usually came easy for me are now difficult because the depression is rearing its ugly head. I find that making the egg, though seemingly easy is hard for me to do. I can’t stand long enough to watch it on the stove and then to prepare the round thingy to make the egg round for an English muffin, to use a spatula to turn it over. I just get overwhelmed. I don’t know why that is. I have like anxiety or something all of a sudden. I don’t like scrambled eggs any more. I haven’t been successful in making them in a long time. I can easily make an egg sunny side up but it gets boring after a while. I rather just stick with cereal. Pour the cereal, pour milk, and you are done. And one dish and spoon to wash.

Just came home from meeting with my former lab mates. It was a good outing and though I had a LOT of coffee, I am tired now. I am completely out of spoons. I don’t think I will be catching the Sox game tonight. I might listen to it on the radio in a little bit but right now I just want to chill on my bed and listen to some music. I know part of the reason I am so wiped out is because of the dreaded menses. I swear they have taken away any energy out of me that I have had over the last few days. I think I might be anemic. I am glad I am seeing my doc on Monday. I’ll see if he will do a blood count and to see what my uric acid level is. I was discussing my foot problem to a friend and he said it could be gout. I doubt it is but maybe it could be a slight case of it. I just know that the bones behind my metatarsals hurt me in the morning and night now and it’s not fun! I don’t know if it is a bone thing or a tendon thing that is going on in my foot. They just say I have swelling and every other structure is fine. So what is causing the swelling?? No one knows. FRUSTRATING!

I also for some reason have no appetite the past few days. I have been eating but I don’t think I am nearly hitting the 1000 calorie mark that the body needs. That could be another reason why I am so pooped. But I don’t feel like eating and I am not hungry. I should maybe have a protein bar for my supper tonight. All I had today was a piece of cornbread and half a pound cake loaf. And did I mention I had a lot of coffee??? Despite the coffee I am still exhausted. I just hope I don’t get my second wind because it might be another all nighter. I don’t have anything to do tomorrow so I could stay up all night but that just is inviting trouble to happen. I really don’t want Mr. Hyde to show his head again. My psychiatrist has been on my mind lately and I DON’T want to send her off one of my good bye letters. I will be involuntarily committed. And that is not something you can just say “My psychiatrist is nuts and is lying about what she is saying”. Been there, done that, didn’t work! Fricken spent two weeks in the hospital until THEY thought I was fit to go. I hated it.