Tag: psychosis

Random 230

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I am feeling sad and relieved at the moment. A little girl was found on the beach, dead, nearly three months ago. The lab people came up with a computer generated picture of her but no one stepped forward. Finally a lead came through and today the baby was identified. DNA testing is happening to make sure it is the baby. She was just 2.5 years old. I don’t know how the mother can live with herself knowing her baby was dead and that she didn’t do anything to come forward with answers. There were no active cases against the mother in the child protective services, so she didn’t fall through the cracks. The full report of how she died is not going to be made public until Monday, but they are saying murder. Just really sad. I hope we can give rest to this innocent child now.

I slept most of the day. I was really tired as I woke up at 0230 and then again at 4. I took some pain pills and then went back to sleep. My ankle doesn’t want to move, at all. It started when my mother asked me to make dinner. I can’t believe I have rested it all day and it didn’t want to move to make dinner. Pissed me off. My mother is not feeling good for some reason. I think the heat is finally getting to her.

Sox are playing tonight in Toronto. Should be an interesting game. We took the series from them last time. Got word that the OSU game is on at 1530 tomorrow. Trouble is, I don’t know which station. I hope it’s on ABC as I don’t like ESPN. My luck it will be on ESPN. Only two weeks left of regular season baseball. I am going to miss it and then go into a baseball depression. Happens every year. My mood doesn’t get better until spring training.

My aunt is doing better but still not out of the woods. I talked with my cousin last night and she gave me an update. She is going to be in the hospital for a little while until they can get her stabilized. I don’t know if this means going to a nursing home afterwards or what. She is 92. I hope she gets well soon.

Last night I had to take some trilafon because I kept on hearing music even when it wasn’t playing. Songs were just loud inside my head. If I played my MP3 player, it stopped for a little while but soon as I turned it off, the music would start playing again. Then the voices would start, telling me to turn on the music. I emailed my psych but haven’t heard back. I had a feeling I was going to become psychotic after the crazy two weeks that I have had. It was just a matter of time. I just hope I have caught it early enough not to disrupt things. It is making me question the dose I am on for the abilify and if it is still useful to me. Because if it isn’t helping with these kind of psychotic symptoms, why am I taking it? Maybe I need to be on a higher dose of the medication. I see my pdoc in two weeks and if I am not better then, I will bring it up. Or I might end up in the hospital. Who knows?

Suicidal vs Suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Suicidal vs. Suicide

I got this from a fellow blogger. I somewhat corrected it so it wasn’t a run on sentence. But it’s mostly the author’s words. Original had “committed suicide” instead of “dying by suicide” which is important to recognize. That is the only words I changed.

“When someone ends up dying by suicide, everyone is there, they feel bad, they say they didn’t “see the signs”. They talk about how amazing you were and so forth. But if you tell someone you’re suicidal, everything is different. No one wants to solve the problem, matter of fact, half the time they act like it isn’t a problem, that you won’t ever “do it”, that it will just “go away”/ They treat it like a joke, well let me tell you something, being suicidal isn’t a joke. People do consider it as an only option, and treating the problem like it doesn’t matter will not get you anywhere. The only place it’s going to get you is a funeral. If someone tells you they’re suicidal, don’t push them away. Instead try to be the one to keep them here.”—realadvicebro.tumblr.com

Random 699: Hypos Continue

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, mood disorders

Yesterday I was borderline manic. Today I am feeling the same way because I only got around four hours of sleep. I took my meds which included my mood stabilizer for the morning dose. I am trying to get out of this hypomanic bullshit but it’s difficult. Last night I took sixteen milligrams of trilafon and was still up till 0200. I just could not calm the hell down. I tried taking a Neurontin and my pain meds but it didn’t do anything for me. I am watching my niece so I can’t take anything to make me go back to Morpheus. Nor do I want to. I really want to go out. My groceries came so I have dinner for tonight. I think I am going to make Manwich so I will have it for the week. I will save some burger for my mother so she can have a hamburger or something. She doesn’t like Manwich. No one in my house does. They don’t know what they are missing out on!!

Tomorrow is going to be tricky because my niece’s grandmother is supposed to pick her up but I have a 1030 appointment with my therapist around the time she is supposed to be here. I don’t know what I am going to do. I don’t want to miss out on our time and it’s too late to cancel the appointment. I then have to go to my father’s to do his meds.

I was able to sneak in a nap after we had lunch. My other older niece was home so I took advantage of sleeping. I feel rested and not as racy as I was. Maybe this is the end of the mania streak. I hope so because this is getting tiring. I want to have my old mood back. I mean, it’s nice feeling like you are on top of the world but you also know it’s not going to last. The crash might kill me. My little niece is sleeping now. She read her book and conked out. She must like reading this book because she hasn’t really complained when the time comes to end. She won’t read more than her allotted time but she will read and not ask is time up like her other books.

I need to try and take a shower today. I have been trying to stick with an every other day schedule. So far it is working but showering takes a lot of energy. It wears me out for some reason. By the time I start washing my hair, I am wicked tired but I haven’t washed my body. I rush through and then I hurt. My foot acts up, my back hip. It’s awful. Sometimes when I am wiping my feet, my left foot will start cramping on me. Then I can’t stand on it for a few minutes. I hate taking a shower. With my hip, I have to sit down for a few minutes before I can actually get dressed. Putting clothes on takes more spoons than you can imagine. I brought this up with my PCP yesterday but he didn’t say too much other than to lose weight as I was carrying a 50 lb stone around. Whatever that means. He explained it to me but I was so “high” yesterday things really didn’t sink in.

My therapist was glad I told my PCP that I was transgender. She wished she could have been a fly on the wall. I still can’t believe it. I can’t really say that he was supportive or not supportive because I wasn’t exactly in a right state of mind. I was extremely talkative because of the mania. Even last night I was talking to the voices about things that could have waited until morning. But there was such a pressure to get the words out that I was having full fledged conversations with them. My internet kicked out. I am glad I write this in word doc before I send it to WordPress.

I got my stupid menses today. It should be really bumming me out but because of the hypomania, it’s not. I have been eating a lot today. I had cereal and ordered a pizza for my niece. She had one slice, I had three. I know she is going to be hungry when she wakes from her nap. I don’t know if she will want pizza or some other thing. I am not hungry so whatever I make, it will be for her. I don’t think I will make Manwich tonight.

And the hypos continue

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

And the Hypos Continue

Today has been an up and down day. I didn’t get the payment I was expecting. I think I have been cut off, which I hope to mean I can look for PT work. But it’s still early to know for sure. So I won’t be paying for my groceries like I thought I would. This sucks. I also need to finagle how I am going to get my allergy pills. I guess one of my bills will have to be paid in half and the rest next month. Oh well. I am still racy and I am so scared that I might overspend my SSD check. After everything is paid, I will have around $120 to spend but $30 goes to my T-Pass so I can get around. So I really have $90 for the month. I haven’t decided how much I will be putting on my Starbucks card. I need to have money on it so I can get out of the house as well as have coffee/mochas. I will need to go to the grocery store to get my half and half but that doesn’t cost much. I just hope it lasts. I am really bummed but it’s hard to stay this way because the hypos are making me feel really good.

I had therapy and we talked about the hypos. My therapist is kind of worried as I never have had hypos last more than a few days tops and this episode has lasted a week now, maybe more. I wish I could contribute it to something but nothing out of the ordinary has happened. We were trying to figure it out and we couldn’t come up with anything. She was asking me about my psychotic symptoms and I was afraid to tell her what was running through my head. Weird things have been happening when I read a book or when I am reading from my phone. Words seem to “dance”. It is very entertaining and seems to make reading fun. It doesn’t happen all the time though. I am afraid to tell my pdoc about this symptom because the last time this happened, I was hospitalized. Granted I was in a greater psychotic state than I am right now, but still I am afraid this might happen. I don’t want to be hospitalized because it won’t do me any good. I will just be doped up and then sent home. I am not suicidal like I was before. I feel too good to want to hurt myself. I have been really irritable lately. Little things have made me feel angry, really angry. I am not usually angry without a real reason. I had stopped following a good friend of mine because of the stupid shit she posts that upsets me. I have decided if they post more than 2 memes in succession, I am unfollowing them. It is that simple. Then I am not aggravated when I try and read my FB feed. I am tempted to unfollow “Not right in the head” stuff because lately their stuff has been downright offensive. And then these memes and pictures get stuck in my head and the float around. I know it’s because of these damn hypos. I am more prone to psychosis and irritability than when I am depressed. But stop this shit already. I hate to give up feeling good to feeling depressed again but that is my normal. I just don’t know what to do. I am still nervous about my doctor’s appointment tomorrow. My blood work came back all normal except for my LDL. It’s slightly elevated by 4 points. My cholesterol went down to below 200 which I was thrilled about. It was 217 last time I had it checked. So other than my fricken weight, that is the only thing my doc is going to harass me about. I really wanted to lose a few more pounds but it just wasn’t going to happen. I have been eating fruit most of the day to try and keep my weight where it is. I have no idea what I will have for dinner. Might have raviolis that were left over from last night.

Like I was expecting, my therapist didn’t get through the pile of letters she said she was going to. I was laughing. I still wanted to know if she read the one about “Do I” but I was too afraid of the answer. She hasn’t read my latest blog about the language of suicidology. I wrote that while I was hypo and I still think it’s a pretty good piece of writing. It’s probably the first piece of writing that I like and think is not a piece of crap. A few people have said they really like it. I wish it got more likes but it didn’t. I keep posting it on Twitter when I remember as I think it’s important to put it out there.

I reluctantly emailed my pdoc and told her about my symptoms. I don’t think she is going to suggest hospital and I didn’t tell her my words were dancing when I read. I think that will alarm her and I will be put in the hospital. And whoever heard of being hospitalized because of being hypo? I have never been in the hospital because I am in a good mood. I wish it could last forever but I don’t think it’s going to. It never does. It is curious that I am having more episodes though. I am not doing anything with them. I am not spending like crazy nor am I being promiscuous. I just am in a good mood and if my pdoc thinks I need to be hospitalized for it, forget it. It’s not going to happen. Maybe I am being paranoid.

I changed my music selection on my MP3 to Pearl Jam and Linkin Park. I was tired of listening to country the last few days. Shoot. I just realized that because of my money issues, I can’t get Luke Bryan’s new album. I am really bummed now. Least the Sox are playing tonight so I have something to bitch about on Twitter. They are playing the White Sox tonight. Last time they played, White dominated us. Course, we still have crappy pitching but we have better hitting lately with the addition of JBJ. He is a swell guy.