Tag: reading

A Rough and Boring Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A rough and boring day

I had a rough night sleeping. Seems I can only sleep in three hour spurts. I was again rudely waken up by a family member while dreaming so that added to my exhaustion. I don’t know why I can’t sleep. I emailed my psychiatrist but I haven’t heard back. I also told her about the trilafon situation and how the voices have become kind of commanding. I was going to page her today but never got around to it because of my sleepiness. I had set my alarm so I wouldn’t sleep all day as I bought a book yesterday and wanted to pick it up. It’s just being added to my “to read” pile I have going on in my room. There are 10 books right now in that pile, not including the books on my Kindle. I just finished one book so I am happy about that. Now if I can get through another book by the end of the month, I will be happy.

I got home and immediately felt paranoid for some reason. It was hard to shake but I think the feeling is gone now. I distracted myself with Twitter. One of my Twitter buddies was in the area where the local bookstore is and if his schedule permitted, we could have met up. Unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe another time. I seem to be getting books at least once a month from this bookstore so maybe next month we can meet up.

I went to the Square to have my coffee. I think the person making it used regular cream instead of sweet cream because it didn’t taste all that sweet. I drank it anyway. I wrote in my journal until half the coffee was gone and then took off for the local bookstore. I really didn’t do much else. It just feels like a boring day. Nothing interesting happened. I did have a new sandwich that I liked at the Au Bon Pain. It had avocados and their zesty Dijon mustard that I love. This one had turkey in it with some kind of cheese. It was really good. I might get it tomorrow if I go out. It depends on how my damn ankle/foot is. It started flaring up on the walk back to the station after leaving the bookstore. My right also acted up but the left was worse. I wish I brought my cane but I didn’t carry my regular bag with me today. I just brought a cloth bookbag because that is what I needed it for. My regular bag has my cane in it.

I was debating getting a haircut at a new barber shop in the Square but didn’t. I couldn’t decide how I wanted it cut. I really got used to the bald cut that I had a few weeks ago. Now that my hair has grown back, I look like a chia pet so I need it cut again. I think I will go tomorrow morning to the same barber’s shop I go to. My mother isn’t going to like it but oh well. It’s my head not hers.

I will be placing my grocery order tomorrow. I can’t wait because I am out of Oreos and I have been craving them. They cost too much at Walgreens, but then, everything is a little overpriced at Walgreens. I think you are just paying for the convenience rather than the value.

I’m not doing anything tonight except possibly read one of my many books. I have three that I am actively reading. Harry Potter, Common Struggle, and Dostoevsky. The other books listed on my GoodReads section of my blog are books that I read when I have the mental energy to. They are quite dense. One of the books I have no idea where I placed it last. I think it is in a hamper that I have junk instead of clothes. The “junk” is more papers and books than actual junk. I have to go through it one day to sort it out. I just need to find the motivation to do it. Maybe I should set up a reward system or something. If I do it, I can get some stuff on Amazon. Amazon is becoming my new addiction for buying things I need but don’t absolutely need. I bought two more books. One of the books is by JK Rowling’s pen name, which I can’t think of at the moment. It’s a fiction/mystery book I think. I think they are turning it into a movie in the UK so I want to read it. There are three books in the series so if I like it, I will get the other two. I do like Rowling’s writing so I know those books will be a good reward to clean out that hamper.

Post 1813

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Post 1813

I was going over my blogs. I found one that I wrote the day before my father died. I barely remember that day. I am glad I wrote it because I honestly couldn’t remember if I saw him that Sunday or not. I guess it’s good that I write these blogs because it’s like an online journal of my daily activities and thoughts and feelings. I do have a journal but to me, it’s more fun writing online than in a notebook.

Tomorrow is Father’s day. It is the first father’s day without him. I am having mixed feelings about it. I do miss my father’s crankiness. He was lonesome during the last few months of his life. I think he knew he was dying and didn’t want to be alone. He never said, least not that I know of, that he knew. His last hospitalization was his final one. I also read blogs from the beginning of April when he had pneumonia. I knew then he wasn’t going to make it home. In the end he did, but only to spend his last two hours of his life there. I never finished writing the story of that day. I have been putting it off because it hasn’t been so present in my mind.

My sister posted an old photograph of my father when he was younger on Facebook. The look that he gave was to me scary. It literally reminded me of how cruel he could be to us. Next Saturday it will be two months since his death. I still haven’t processed it. People have told me it could take as long as a year. I am like WTF, seriously? There hasn’t been a day that goes by that I don’t think about him since he died. While he was living, I could give two shits. I was always on edge for that private number to pop on my phone when the normal ringtone rang. Ready to say how high to jump when he called.

I haven’t been as psychotic or paranoid today, but then, I haven’t been outside. I have been in the house most of the day. The only time I went outside was to check the mail and get my package. I have been playing with my Fire most of the day and I finally read some of Dostoevsky as well as a new book. I don’t know why I started reading a new book but I did. This makes book six that I am reading. It’s an easy book. It’s about creating an online presence. I think I have one between the various social media that I have and my blog. I just wish I could find a way to promote my book better. I am hoping one of the ten books that I bought will show me how to do that. I know I just need to find the right audience.

I haven’t been working on my second book. I really don’t know what to write anymore or if I want a second book. I keep up with the blog hoping I will find a good writing space and write an excellent story. But that is too far and in between. So in the mean time, I am reading about books on writing and just reading in general. My father always said that it was important to read and write. I think he would be proud of the library that I have. It is very diverse, from history to psychology to mystery/crime. It was the one thing he would give me money for was books. I know I have them haphazard around my room and office, but I do take good care of them. I just need a room where I can have bookcases, like a real library. That is a dream of mine when I have my own apartment or house or in this modern world, a condo.

Dentist and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Dentist and other things

I finally went to the dentist after a two year hiatus. I have a cavity that I kind of knew I did while he was cleaning my teeth. It was very painful when he was scraping that particular tooth. I have to go back Monday for the filling. I will need to take an Ativan before hand as I don’t like needles when they are pointed at me. It will just freak me out like it did the last time I had a cavity, which thankfully has been years. I had the dentist look at the corner of my mouth to see if it was a canker or a cold sore. It was a canker. So now I need to get some medicine to help it heal as it is painful every time I open my mouth. It was killing me while getting my teeth cleaned. I hope it’s gone by Monday.

After the dentist, I went to get a coffee. I tried writing in my journal but kept on getting distracted by a kid that was sitting opposite from me. He was so damn jittery. He kept on kicking the chair next to me. I was getting so damn annoyed. Then I decided maybe I would write the letter to the hospice place to thank the nurse and social worker. Nothing came to me. I hated the chair I was sitting at because it wasn’t the chair I usually sit in. I was facing the door and kept on getting distracted by all the customers coming in and out of the store. Today was a very distracting day. I couldn’t focus on anything. So I caught the next bus home.

While I was home, I was thinking about what to write for the hospice place and I finally was able to write something. Now I just need to show it to my sisters and get their signatures so I can mail it. I am glad it got done. One less worry off my plate. Now I just need to get in touch with the social worker so I can talk with her. I think it will be helpful so I am not taking up time with my therapist about my father all the time. I wish I was seeing my therapist next week. I’d really like to have a session where we talk about this face to face so I can get her impressions. See therapy goes both ways. She does her thing and I do mine and we call it a therapeutic exchange.

I had time today to call for a PT appointment but I wasn’t in the mood to deal with morons or to really talk to people. My case is very specific and I probably will need to talk to the director of the place to see if I can get the care I need. I don’t want the run of the mill therapist that just throws exercises at you. I need someone willing to work with me because I am injured in my other ankle. If that is too much, then I will just get exercises from the internet and do PT that way. I found 3 exercises that are made for the Achilles. Two seem doable to me. The third will be kind of hard because I will have to bear weight on my left ankle/foot (bad one). I read the prescription and it’s eccentric exercises that I need to do. I will google those later.

When I came home, I was wicked agitated. I sort of calmed down with the writing and talking to the voices. Some new ones have been added but they aren’t harmful. They just ask a lot of fucking questions and criticize what I say most of the time. They also are nosey and want to know what I am doing, what I am writing, what I am reading, why I am reading and not writing, etc. It’s tiresome. Tonight we were talking about going back to college, which is still a sore spot for me. If I had stayed at my job and didn’t move on to the research one, I probably would have got my degree by now. All the what ifs started playing over. The major thing was having a psychotic break in 2008 and not being able to return to college afterwards because the meds made my cognition so difficult. It interfered with my thinking. I couldn’t get off my meds so I had to take an incomplete for the class I was taking. Because I then dropped out, I got an F for the class. My GPA is probably in the negative or zero now, not like it was high to begin with. But now that I am not working, the voices want me to go back to school, probably so they can fuck me over again. I am not convinced I can go to school and still collect my Long Term Disability (LTD). I don’t even know what the stress of going to school is going to do with me. I am kind of scared but I don’t have the money for college so I am not too worried about it now. Unless I hit the lottery, then I will worry about it. But then, I wouldn’t have to worry about the financial things like that anyways. I need to play the PowerBall. It’s 140 million, last I checked anyways.

I canceled my Netflix subscription. I haven’t watched an episode of Friends in at least two weeks. I don’t know why I should pay for something if I am not using it every day. Or at least, every other day. I knew this would happen. I just am not a person to watch TV shows. I rather read books. And I got a lot to read because the pile keeps getting higher instead of lower. I just bought 10 books on Kindle. I have no idea why but I did. It was a once in a lifetime deal though. I got it all for $15. One of the books I have the hardcopy of so now I can read it either way. That is if I can get through the stuff I am currently reading. I have two books I am actively reading and one that is my “whenever I feel like it”. The 4th and 5th books are my leisure books. I read those when I want a break from the other stuff I am reading. I don’t know how I got to 5 books that I am reading but I did. It’s working out and hopefully I will finish all five by the end of the year.

Friday Ramble 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I went to the barbers today for a touch up. He couldn’t believe how much my hair grew overnight. I have been telling him for the past two years my hair grows fast and he didn’t believe me until now. If I still have cash in two weeks, I will go for another cut. I just won’t get the top buzzed because I miss having some hair on my head. Right now my head feels like a steel course brush. I love the feeling.

After the barbers, I went to the Square for a coffee. There weren’t any seats so I just got my coffee and left for the next bus home. I had some time so I bought my T-pass for the month. I don’t know if it is worth it anymore as I am not visiting my father anymore nor going into town for his appointments. I still have my appointments but I am mostly on the phone with my therapist. My psychiatrist I see every two weeks or so. Maybe I won’t get a pass for the month of July and save myself some money. I kind of like the pass because then I don’t have to keep track of how much money I use per trip.

I am pissed my expedited shipping is media mail and I won’t receive my book until next week. Media mail is the cheapest way to send a package. I feel like I have been duped because I paid extra to have it shipped immediately. The seller is not going to get a good review, if they ask for one. I am glad I don’t need this book for a class or something important. I’d be behind the other classmates.

I am feeling really sad today and I am not going to shake it. I think my fighting the feeling is just making the grief worse. I have no appetite today. I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast and now the thought of food is making me sick. I was going to make a Bolognese sauce today but I don’t have the energy to. I just feel so down. I feel like I want to cry but the tears aren’t coming. My sister texted me to see if I wanted to go with them to drop off the urns to the funeral home. My sister got a big urn and two smaller ones. I don’t know why. She still plans on getting a tree for the backyard. My brother-in-law is nuts if he thinks he is going to place it in the front of the yard. I am just afraid the roots of the tree will not have room to grow and the tree will die.

I woke up early this morning in pain. My ankles are still hurting me. I don’t know which one hurts more. It sucks because I don’t know which leg to limp on. Dammit, I forgot to go to Walgreens on the way home to get disposable Tupperware for my sauce. I guess I will go tomorrow because I am too tired and in too much pain to go back out. I hope tomorrow I feel better because I really don’t want the meat to go bad. I should have bought Manwich and then I could have sandwiches. My mother is going to make chicken pot pie for dinner. Sounds good to me because I don’t think tomato sauce would agree with me tonight.

I had every intention to read before going to sleep last night but it never happened. I feel like with each passing day I don’t read, I am getting further behind for some reason. It’s been almost three months since I finished a book. I was on a good pace to read 40 books this year. Now I am not so sure it’s doable. I will feel defeated if I don’t complete this challenge. I have 33 books I need to read by Dec 31st.