Tag: reading

Saturday Blog 42

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 42

I have been listening to all my songs rather than a particular artist the past two days. I have heard music I have forgotten about, music that has lifted my spirits, and music that makes me think of better times. Yesterday, I was thinking of changing the selection to just Bon Jovi as I wanted to listen to their music but every other song was a BJ song so I just left it. The fun part of listening to this selection of songs is that I don’t know what song will be next. It could be a BJ song, Garth Brooks, Reba, Taylor, or Bruce Springsteen. My tastes vary and I like listening to old stuff and new, though I don’t really have new rock stuff. I have the latest Pearl Jam and Linkin Park albums, but that is all.

I realized five years ago today my Godfather passed away. I didn’t have this blog then although I did have a blog. I think it was on blogspot but I don’t really remember. It only had about 10 blogs on it. I had to stop it because I had a person that was annoying me following it. Then they found my new blog (this one) and it was really creepy.

I miss my Godfather. I think about him often. We were somewhat close. I didn’t call him every day because he had Alzheimer’s and I would have to explain who I was every time I called. He always asked the same questions when we talked. What I would give to talk to him just one more time, for him to ask me those questions. He left his wife of only 3-4 years. I still keep in touch with her because she was an important part of his life. They were together more than twenty years but he wasn’t the marrying type. I think they got married only because his health was declining and he had no one to make decisions for him. His brother had died some years ago and he never had any children. He was a good man, funny, kind. I miss his laugh and the way his face would light up when he did.

I remember at the wake, my cousins got around and were laughing at something. I went over to investigate and they told me that now that Leo has passed, that would make my father the patriarch of the family. It was a joke, and what a joke that was. My father is not someone who would lead. He would be the first one out of a burning building, to hell with everyone else.

I wanted to take a shower today but it never happened. I took a nap around 1700 and woke up around 2130. Now I don’t think I will sleep for another couple of hours. I took my night meds. I am hoping it will knock me out in an hour or two but I doubt it. I just don’t feel sleepy. I hope I am not up all night. That will suck.

I started reading a writing book called “Writing Tools”. It’s not a very in-depth book but it does make me think about my writing. The chapter are short, the most four pages long. One chapter I think was only two pages. The author doesn’t call it chapters. He calls them “tools”. It is an interesting book and I am learning a lot. He recommended another writing book, which I am thinking about getting. It’s expensive, like $70 but I think it will be worth it because it has a good section on punctuation. I really would like a book to learn about this. Sure I use periods and commas, but I hardly ever use the colon or semi-colon because I don’t know how to. It’s a craft and I am interested in it.

I have been trying to read the 6th book of Harry Potter, again, but it’s difficult because I always dissociate while reading. It’s like the book transports me to England and I am there for hours when in reality, I have only been there for a half hour or so. I always feel disoriented when I stop reading. It’s an uncomfortable feeling and I don’t like it. I just read it chapter by chapter or as long as my attention span permits me to read. Sometimes a long chapter will have to be split up because I just can’t read it in one sitting. Then I feel bad when it’s only a half hour has passed. I used to be able to read these books like I breathe air. I don’t know why things have changed. My therapist has no understanding of why this happens. I haven’t talked about it with my psychiatrist. I thought this was just a one time thing with these books, but it’s been happening every time I read a chapter. I am fine with other books but Harry has something over me and I don’t know what it is.

Turn on the Neon Light

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Turn on the Neon Light

I’m back to listening to Eric Church’s new album. I am stuck on “Mixed Drinks about Feelings”. This song just gets me. I don’t know what it is about the song that gets me going.

Today is the final match up between Tom Brady and Pey-a-ton Manning. Least I hope it will be. Manning deserves to get his ass whooped and severely at that. But I know this is going to be a nail biter of a game. Both teams want the Super Bowl badly. It’s going to be nerve racking. I just hope I have the house to myself. I plan on having a margarita, just a small one. It’s premixed so I don’t have to do anything. No mixing of alcohol, just pour and serve. But something tells me that my mother is not going out and I will have to watch the game on my small kitchen TV.

I spent the morning calling Sears to get a new fridge for my mother. It was a no go. Every time I got a human they told me to call some other number. It was so damn frustrating. Then because the phone rang and rang for so long it got hung up. So now my mother has to go to the store to order it. She doesn’t believe in online orders, though I am kind of with her on that front. Spending over $500 is a big purchase and you should see it before buying it. Only thing that I will buy online for that amount of money would be a laptop because I know what I am getting. All my laptops have been Dells so I am partial to that company.

I woke up again in pain. I made some lunch after I took a reasonably longer shower than I am used to. My ankle didn’t like that. I was still hungry after the cheeseburger so made some popcorn. We have an air-popper and it makes really good homemade popcorn. Now my ankle really hates me but I really want a drink so I am not going to take anymore pain meds.

Last night I realized that it would be convenient and cost effective if I got my blood pressure meds via mail than retail pharmacy. So I put the request in. I hope tomorrow they do what I ask. I was very clear in my email. But I was clear the last time I requested a 90 day supply and I got a 30 day supply. I hope they send it to the right place because I am running low and I don’t want to spend $20 if I don’t have to. Tomorrow I need to refill my pain meds. I hope the sidewalks are clear as we got a few inches of snow last night. Last thing I need is to twist my ankle in the snow because someone didn’t shovel.

I haven’t read anything in the last few days. I keep meaning to but I’m stuck. The last chapter I read for the EBP in Suicidology was a tough but short chapter. It was kind of rag time and I hated reading it. But I started the book and I am going to finish it. I am on chapter 4 now. There are like 15 chapters I think, so I am almost 1/3 way through the book. I haven’t gone back to Explorations in Personality. I will do that when I am desperate for something to read or when I need to be bored to hell. It is so tough reading this book because you need a dictionary to help you read it. You also need to make mental notes as you go along because the author like to abbreviate common words as he is going along. It is annoying. The third book I am reading is Dostoevsky. I really need to read that book when I have patience or want to get lost into nothingness.

Can’t Breathe

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Can’t breathe

I am all clogged up with my nose. I would still be sleeping if I wasn’t breathing through my mouth and it got dry. But it’s good that I woke up because I had to take my night meds. I am feeling a little bit better mentally. I just wish I could breathe.

I checked my mail. All I did was go down and then up the stairs and now my ankle hates me. WTF. I got a benefit statement form from SSD. I hope that will be enough to send to the loan people that I am disabled. I still haven’t received my award letter. I also got the stupid Humana stuff. I cancelled it last week and they send me something every day for the past week. Holy moly what a waste of paper. I can’t believe that an agency would enroll someone without telling them first and giving them the option of enrolling. It’s just so stupid.

I will be having a third dose of pain meds tonight. I have been taking them around the clock today because the pain has been so bad. I still haven’t moved my bowels despite taking senna. I am hoping coffee tomorrow morning gets things moving. I am starting to feel uncomfortable.

I am debating on using Afrin to clear my nasal passages so I can fricken breathe. Thing is, it always makes me sneeze after I use it so I think I am wasting the medicine because I just sneeze it out. I have to get a different kind of Afrin as the menthol one is just too strong. I think that is why I sneeze after I use it. I am going to go for a moisturizing one.

I’m also debating whether or not to read another boring chapter in the “Evidence-Based Practice in Suicidology”. I want to get through the book so I can complete it as part of my reading challenge I set up for the year through GoodReads. I want to read at least 20 books this year. So far I have read two. One friend wants to read a 150 books. That requires some skill. I am also keeping a database of the books I have read this year. I like to keep my excel skills up. I haven’t made an formulas or anything, just a basic sheet that tells me what I have read and the time it took to read it. GoodReads doesn’t give me that kind of information.

I like this book, it’s an “easy” read meaning that it’s not technical with a lot of jargon but there are a lot of references throughout the chapters that I read. My therapist just wants me to read a chapter out of sync rather than reading it chapter to chapter. I can’t do that as it messes with my OCD quirks. I have to read from beginning to end. I can’t hop around. Only time I have done that is if I am researching something and need a specific chapter to know what I am looking for. Like I bought a book about suicidal risk management and I totally forgot why I bought it. It was a follow up to an article I read that I couldn’t get online so I bought the book that it was in but I forgot the reference. It is frustrating because I have this book now and it’s just sitting there. I might read it after I finish every book that is on my list. It’s a small book, about 250 pages, so I should have no problems reading it.

The other book that I am reading (I always read two or three books at the same time) is on the “Explorations in Personality”. That book is hard to read because it has a lot of technical talk and sometimes it has Latin words that I don’t understand or even words that I think are made up like “infavoidance”. It lists this word but they don’t define it and it gets frustrating after a while because you read and then need a dictionary to understand what you are fucking reading. It just takes time and effort with this book and my patience is low. I have to take it in small steps. It’s going to take a long time to read this book. It’s about 400 pages. I am up to page 105 so I have 300 to go. I’m only reading it to find out more about needs but I am afraid this book is way over my head and I am just not understanding it like Shneidman has. It’s like they make up words and you are left with a “huh” type of feeling. And they haven’t even gotten to the study part yet. It’s just a real bore but I find it interesting only because I feel it’s a part of history reading stuff from that era.

I’m hungry and I can’t decide if I want cereal or a breakfast bar. I am leaning toward a breakfast bar. I find it more filling than cereal. I never had my Chinese food tonight. My mother wanted hot dogs and beans. I will have it for lunch tomorrow.

Saturday Blog 40

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I was going to order pizza but now I don’t have to because my mother is making it. She makes good pizza, though I love the dough more than the sauce and cheese. I got a calendar but it isn’t the one I wanted. They were out of them. I thought about ordering it on Amazon but I didn’t want to spend another $35 just for free shipping. I got a calendar at the Coop for $7 and I will make it work. Right now it’s too long and needs to be moved over so I can have access to my light switch. I really didn’t want to put another hole in the wall but seems I have no choice. While I was at the Coop, I saw a nice leather pouch with the Harvard logo on it. I so wanted to get it. I also wanted to get a knitted hat but refrained. I kept my hands in my pocket and just kept walking.

I got my Starbucks soy latte. Today was not the day for specialty drinks. I have been having the gags most of the day. They will come on suddenly and without reason so I think I am getting a migraine. My head doesn’t hurt yet, but I am sure it will later this evening.

I plan on watching a movie tonight. Last night I watched the Goonies. Ridiculous movie if I ever saw one. I really don’t get the appeal of the movie. I will watch Pretty Woman tonight. I love Richard Gere and Julia Roberts. It’s one of my favorite movies.

I almost didn’t go into Harvard today. I saw the bus home and almost decided to take it and go home with just my latte. But I pushed through the tiredness and trudged on. I went to my favorite stationary store and realized I forgot the pen I needed a refill on. So I bought some more V-Ball pens and another notebook. They didn’t have my calendar I wanted. They had every other calendar but the one I was looking for. A lot of pretty ones, too. But they were too big for the space that I needed it. Doesn’t matter now as I need to move up the nail and make another hole in the wall.

All I had to eat today was a pop tart. I couldn’t finish the second one. I have no appetite today. I am trying to drink more fluids so on the way home I bought some mineral water and a coke. I know I will drink the water. I can’t drink that much soda like I used to. I usually have a few sips a day until it’s gone. I plan on making a cup of tea when I am done with this blog. I need something warm to drink. I still am sick. I still have pain in my ankle as well. It didn’t help that while putting on my PJs my ankle turned. Luckily, I was standing by my bed or I think I would have fallen.

I entered a reading challenge this year through the website GoodReads. I finally finished the book Far From the Tree but for some reason it didn’t register in my challenge. Maybe it takes a day or so to do it. One of my friends suggested that I read “Game of Thrones”. I told her I already tried and failed to read it. I am just glad I didn’t buy the book set. It was just a weird book. I am going to try and read “Explorations in Personality” by Murray. I started it a few weeks ago. It is very dry reading but interesting. I keep calling the biases of the experiment but back then, you didn’t have diverse populations. It was mostly white people and middle class. The study that I am reading is about white undergraduates. Harvard wasn’t that diverse in the thirties. Book reminds me of the book George Apley. I never finished that book either because it was wicked dry reading and kind of boring. I hope to read Murray’s book as a tribute to Shneidman. That is my goal for 2016.