Tag: suicidality

essay written in 2004

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

It all depends on the individual. The person has to admit they have a problem before treatment is going to sink in. It’s one of the hardest things to do is admit that you have a problem and are powerless to not give in to your impulse. I have done this many times when I feel suicidal. I know it’s not the same as narcotics, ETOH, or even nicotine, but there was a time that it was just as bad as any drug could be. AA helped to deal with it, I can’t explain how; it just did once I admitted to myself that one day I would die by my own hand. No amount of therapy or hospitalizations was going to help if I really wanted to die and no one could stop me if I absolutely wanted to. It’s a choice that I have struggled with for years and will continue to, but once I decided that I have to be here for my kids, it was either commit suicide or have them bear the pain of hurting them or to be there for them when they really need me. I chose to be there for them and even though at times it kills me to struggle through another depressive episode, I have to remind myself that the love that I have for them and them for me is greater than any pain the suicidal impulse has. I was read that it only takes ten minutes to kill yourself and if you wait those minutes out, chances are you will survive. It’s not easy, but once you make up your mind to do it or not, the choice is still yours. I have taken this approach to many things and it’s always work for me.
1-Feb-04
Depression wise, I can’t even begin to think about it. I have been working with my therapist about my past relationships. Until I got slammed with insomnia, pain, and another bout of depression. I told her Thursday that each episode is like the first time, you forget that you got past the last one. You know you did, don’t know how but you did and then you get stuck with another one and you think that you can’t go through it again or why bother. Yet I fucking do and I have no idea why. Actually that is not true. My nephew and my nieces are my reason. Sometimes I don’t think it’s enough and they would be better off. God, I have no idea when this nightmare will ever end. I was doing some research and there is a suicidal place in NY that studies post mortem suicides. Hell, if it would help, I would donate some brain samples today if it would end this feeling of wanting to end my life forever. Twenty years I have been struggling with this bullshit. Wasn’t easy coming up for air and it wasn’t easy asking for help but some how I beat the odds. There was a time that I thought there was a day that I knew I was going to end my life by my own hand. I no longer think I can do that, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like wanting to. Human behavior is a funny thing. If it’s one thing that I learned is that no matter how much you study something, something unexpected happens.

February 4, 2004
I am again thinking that this is a struggle that I don’t think I can do again. Right now I feel so hopeless and worthless. I am thinking of going to the ER and talk with someone but what would be the point of that.

music and birthdays

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide

Today I started out editing my book. Boo. By the time I got to the end of some paragraph on page 100 and something, I was toast. I did edit the end of the blog so now I am down to 148 pages. Now I just have to work on the ending to make it more than a paragraph. OI.

My Brother in law’s mother came over today and wanted some country music so I made her some CDs that I had collected over the years. Just some mixed CDs of country artists. It took longer than I was expecting as my CD burner took forever. Three hours later I had about a dozen CDs put together from Taylor Swift to Luke Bryan. I also found a CD I haven’t listened to since I made it in 2002! I think I made it for work to listen to as it has some of Martina McBride to Mongomery Gentry to Coldplay. My taste in music is always varying. I can go to listening to Pearl Jam to listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter (country folk music for those that have not heard her in a long while!) It also brought back memories of the CDs I made to my therapist before she had a child. I would share the music I was listening to at the time because music has such a deep impact on my mood. I would share the music to let her know how the lyrics moved me. I would spend hours setting up the playlist just right before burning the music onto a CD. Some times the music went deeper than my moods. I felt like it had a relationship component to my therapist and I. Like the song “You had me at hello” by Kenny Chesney is the perfect song of our relationship. I would have the video in this blog but I don’t know how to do that. I am not that technologically advanced!

My mood has been all over the place the last few days. I still want to be dead. I am dreading tomorrow visiting my Godmother. It is her birthday and I always feel funny visiting. Tomorrow is her 90th birthday. I know that she doesn’t have that many birthdays left so I want to share as many of them as I possibly can. It’s hard going over there because I miss her husband so much. He was my favorite uncle. And I don’t want to say something stupid like, “where is Uncle Sam”? He was always very good to me.
November is birthday month for me. I have so many birthday I swear my family picked every day just to mess with me. My sister starts on the 3rd. My Godparents are the 11th and 13th, and my other sister is the 15th. I also have friends and more family members but I always mess up the dates. I am usually a day early or a day late.

My godfather is no longer with us and it is still painful. I miss him so much it hurts. He passed away almost two years ago, suddenly from I believe a pulmonary embolism (blood clot in the lung). Since his death, I have hated November. We used to celebrate my godparents’ birthday’s together because their dates were so close. It just makes me sad remembering him. He too was a good guy that had more trust in me that I know what to day with. He always thought about me and even as he was losing his memory and it was harder to have conversations, I knew he knew who I was. He also suffered from Alzheimer’s. It runs on both sides of my family. Another reason to put a nail in my coffin. I know that by the time I get it they might have better treatments available but I doubt they will have better treatments for depression by then. Like my friend was telling me, they can put a man on the moon but they can’t find a treatment for treatment resistant depression. It sucks.

ramble 56

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Tonight will be the first week without baseball. I already miss it. I know it will be back in 90 days or so. But how can you go from watching 170 or so games to none? The experience is depressing.

I tried my hand at editing again today. It made me depressed reading my life and what I wrote. So I deleted a lot. I know it was probably wrong but oh well. And then I came to a part that made no sense what so ever. It was like some blogs got smooched together or something and that is probably what happened. So more editing is in my future. But I am glad I got some of it done today. I am thinking of adding the blog I wrote the other day, hodgepodge of blogs, to the book. It has helped so many people in my blog and the AAS so I feel that it is necessary to get the word out. Think I will put it in where I emptied all the other junk.

I keep having dreams that my book is going to be super successful and then I have moments, like now, that feel that it is going to be a flop. I might be ok for the first few months but I don’t think it will after that. Oh author’s doubt is high today.

My suicidality is a little lower today. I am still angry at my therapist and appreciate the feedback I got back on it. Maybe on of these days I will stay on the national hotline long enough to see if they will help me. Samaritans doesn’t seem to keep you on the phone that long. Course the last time I called was years ago, though I have called the National Hotline (800-255-TALK) a couple of times. The hard part is waiting on the line when you want someone to pick up. I guess they are routing your call to the nearest call center or something but it still sucks. I found that texting is better. There is a text number 20121 and you just text 121help. I find that better than talking to someone sometimes. Most of the times I just talk to my blogger friend or another friend or blog. Blogging has been the most helpful to me because I get to express what ever I want to say without being judged by anyone. I might not get any likes or comments or both but least my thoughts are out there. Sometimes it helps someone because they are going through the same thing. There are days I don’t get a response to something but then I do and it validates what I feel. And I think that is the important thing.

My pain levels are scattered today. I woke up with my left calf muscle feeling tight. No matter how many times I tried to stretch it today it just won’t get lose. I should try a hot pack on it or something. I plan on kneading it later. Sometimes it is tight because I have little knots in it.

it doesn’t take too much to be overwhelmed

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

****WARNING MIGHT BE TRIGGERING****

I didn’t mean to start off the day like this, I don’t think anyone does. But I am feeling miserable and when I am miserable I write. This darkness has invaded my soul. I am no longer a good person but just an empty shell off what was, if that makes sense. I haven’t had coffee and wouldn’t you know it, I forgot to order cream with my groceries? Figures. Guess no coffee today, unless I go to Walgreens and buy it when I pick up my prescription. I also need a case of water. I need to try and keep myself hydrated which I have not been too successful at, if my lips are any indication. My lips are wicked dry and chapped, like a desert. I never made my chamomile tea last night. I got too sleepy and wanted to stay in my nice cozy bed. I will have to change the sheets after I take a shower. It is going to suck as I hate changing sheets but if I smell, I know my sheets do, too. I don’t know why everything has to be a struggle. I am struggling to stay alive. Struggling to do normal living activities. It is just so overwhelming. I hate being overwhelmed. But then, it doesn’t take much to become overwhelmed.

I had my therapy session tonight with my pain in the ass therapist. It’s funny but today I was reminded that even though we have been working together for years and years she still fricken panics whenever I get into a suicidal state. It’s like the blog I wrote a few months ago, Mentioning of suicide, therapist panics. Instead of asking me what my story was that went behind my suicidal reasoning, she didn’t want to hear it. She just wanted to listen to my reasons for living, my reasons for dying, and what I was going to do to get me through the next four days until we talked again. It is the SAME THING every single time. Nothing changes. I can hear the panic in her voice soon as I divulge my plan. It’s like she cannot tolerate listening to it. I don’t know why it is. It makes me feel better talking about it. But she doesn’t want to hear it so I don’t speak of it. I keep it inside and I think that is where Mr. Hyde is born. Mr. Hyde is my suicidal part that like to come out and write suicidal notes.

Tonight I was reminded that my therapist is not Aeschi in the least because I scare her. I don’t mean to scare her. That is not my intention. But my suicidality freaks her out. I only have a voice here on my blog to talk about my suicidal plans and thoughts and feelings. You would think, that a therapist office would be the place to divulge this information but it is not. It freaks them out too much. Maybe that is why there are so many suicides. The talking about suicide doesn’t get talked about so the client feels more alone than they already feel. I think that if I was a therapist, I would want to know my client’s thinking about suicide and why he wanted to throw himself out the window. Maybe in talking about it, there would be some underlying thought process that could be explored and then, maybe the feelings wouldn’t be so intense. But my therapist doesn’t want to hear about it. She wants to know where it hurts but not really. It is too scary for her. Where it hurts is where I want to put the rope around my neck. Where it hurts is where I am hopefully dangling out my bedroom window. I want to know what it feels like to lose the oxygen to my brain and lose consciousness permanently. But no one wants to hear that part. She just wants to know that if I want to act, I will call her first or someone else or go to the ER. Those places will not help me. They do not want to hear my story. They do not want to hear my plan or know of my pain. They will just hear that I am suicidal and should be in a safe place for a few days and hopefully in those few days I won’t be suicidal anymore, like it’s a magic cure. They do not want to know the depth of my sadness, the depth of my pain, the depth of my intolerable despair that has come upon me with its unrelenting hold around my throat. I am being suffocated. And no one can see it. No one can bare it. So I say what is expected of me and move on to another session where the same things go on. I am not saying my therapist is a failure. She is not. She is just a person who panics with the mention of suicide like the rest of the world.