Tag: suicidality

feeling uneasy

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, psychosis

Been having a rough few days. Psychosis has not let up but I have so far avoided going in the hospital. I just can’t go in for material reasons. My baby (laptop) is on its way back to me and today because my mother is deaf, missed the doorbell. Now I have to wait till Monday to get it back. If I got my laptop today, I would have made a plan to go in the hospital on Monday. Now, no such luck. I really need the break. I am having command auditory hallucinations (AH) and those are really difficult to deal with in an outpatient setting. But my psychiatrist didn’t seem too concerned, though I really downplayed the severity of the AH. I still am wicked paranoid and can’t shake the feeling that I am being watched.

The day did not bode well for me because I woke up in severe ankle pain. I was close to cancelling my appointment with my psych today but I knew that if I did, I would have a hard time getting another appointment. And if I did go in the hospital, I would have a hard time getting discharged if I don’t have an appointment. Sometimes you need to have the follow up appointment with your therapist and psychiatrist before they can consider discharge. I am not hoping to stay too long in the hospital but I can be there up to fourteen days. I also stressed to my psychiatrist that I wanted to watch the Sox game today so I couldn’t go in. She joked but she knew I was serious. She knows that if I was really feeling bad, a baseball game wouldn’t matter to me.

Other than trying to write and keep up with this blog, I am having a wicked hard time with my other writing. I have been journaling because I am watched less and don’t feel that the voices can read my thoughts as much. I feel like I am getting behind though there is no official deadline or something to do my writing. I haven’t tried editing since last Saturday when I got overwhelmed. I can’t really think straight with the additional meds and have been getting agitated easily so I have been staying away from my book. I really thought editing would be easy but it is not. I gave myself a goal of publishing it by Oct 15th but now it is looking more like the end of Oct/early November. I really need to decide the order of my chapters but I need to wait till this psychotic episode passes. I got an email from my friend in Scotland who says he will be purchasing many copies so he and his family can read it. I know that I will be successful the first month or so and that is all that I am hoping for. I figure at least fifty or so copies will be sold. But I could be wrong. It could be more. But I don’t want to really count my chickens before they hatch. And I really don’t want to think about the implications of losing my disability if I am really successful. But I will worry about that when and if things come to that.

I still am depressed. I tried to be cheerful when I saw my psychiatrist but I just didn’t have it in me. I just felt flat. It hurt to really think what I wanted to say. I really wanted to give her the low down but feared I wouldn’t leave the office without an escort to the ER. Now I am kind of scared of what the weekend might hold for me if I can’t get on top of this. I know that if I go to the local psych ER I will get admitted, even if I just want to talk with someone. I have packed a bag just in case I go in. I just feel so uneasy. I am really shocked that my pdoc didn’t really encourage me going in the hospital, but then she usually leaves it up to me to make those kind of decisions.

overwhelmed 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, psychosis

Having a really rough day. Talked to my therapist this afternoon and she really thinks I should be inpatient with the psychosis being active. I am torn now because I think I do need some stabilization but I am so afraid that things might not go as I think it might. I was having little dreams last night where I went in and because they wouldn’t give me my pain meds, I flipped out, which is never a good thing on a psych unit. I demanded to be discharged AMA (against medical advise) but there is always a three day waiting period for you to be evaluated and such before they grant you discharge or not. Plus I am hoping I will have access to my tablet so I can listen to music or I will go nuts while I am there. I have a blue tooth headset that I can use so I don’t have to worry about them taking away my wired headphones.

Today I am still overwhelmed. I didn’t have a good night last night because of pain. It kept jolting me into panic mode so I had to take another Ativan to calm down. Eventually I fell asleep. But now I just feel on edge and like I am being watched. I guess you can say I am paranoid. I don’t like being paranoid. But I am in the safety of my room so I know that nothing will really hurt me while I am here.

I had to copy the music that is on my phone to my laptop so I can then copy it onto my tablet. I don’t remember the last time I updated the music folder on my tablet so it will be good to have my current playlist and stuff.

I got a call from Dell saying they received my laptop and are working on it. I am glad. I was getting worried about it as it has been almost a week since I sent it out FedEx. I hope my baby is still in one piece. I also had a worry that I might not be able to get my laptop back as my mother is deaf and can’t hear the stupid doorbell. If I am in the hospital, it might not get back to me right away. There is no one else that can sign for it as everyone else has work or school. Great. Just when I think I can go in, I think of something to prevent it from happening. I know that I shouldn’t care and take care of myself and all that but you don’t know what is going to happen when you are inpatient. You might be there a few days or a few weeks. You might have cell phone privileges or you might not. Either way, I can risk my baby sitting in storage while I am in the hospital. If I don’t pick it up by the time they specify, they might return it back to Dell and that would soooo suck!! I wish I knew why it took so friggen long to get it to Dell. Last time it only took 3 days! I am just wicked anxious right now. I probably am just rambling over nothing.

I just feel so overwhelmed and I don’t know why. I really am thinking of going to the psych ER. Sometimes just sitting in the waiting room calms me down enough that I tell them I don’t need to be admitted, that I am having a hard time and stuff but I don’t need to be in the hospital. I had that happen to me when one time when I was psychotic. I ended up going in the hospital a few days later but still it saved me a weekend trip in the hospital. I still haven’t packed a bag yet. I have no idea what to bring or wear. I mostly just pack a pair of jammies, underwear, socks, t-shirts, and sweatpants. I usually wear a pair of jeans when I go in. I figure I don’t need much because I can always wash my clothes if I have a long stay. But deciding what book to bring and stuff always gets me. I usually try and bring a good book that is light, even if I don’t read it. My last admission I brought a Cognitive therapy suicide book. It helped me to do the exercises and stuff, got me thinking on how to get better. I was half way through it when I got discharged and have not touched the book since then.

It’s so hard going into the hospital. I have been inpatient more times than I like to admit. Before the age of 25, I had almost 20 admissions. Since then I have had almost ten admissions. I think this time will be my 31st or 32nd, so I know what to expect, how long the wait will be, what to bring, what not to bring. I do know I have to make a medication list and bring my hormone pills just in case they don’t have the brand I am using. And I have to stress to the admitting doc that I take all my meds at night, which is not an easy task as things get lost in the shuffle. It’s easier when it’s a day admission and you actually meet the psychiatrist you are going to be seeing. But it’s rare that this happens. My only fear is a body search, where you have to undress in front of a staff member. Those things are so humiliating. But I understand them as patients try to sneak in contraband or worse drugs to shoot up or snort while in the hospital. The worst part are the smokers. They no longer let people who smoke out for a break as most hospitals have a strict no smoking policy. The worst is being around them jones-ing for a butt. They are provided nicotine patches but I don’t think they work for some them. Also what I find silly is that you are allowed to charge your cell phone but you can’t use it on some units. I hope I get admitted to the hospital I was at before. It will be a pain in the ass to get home from if I don’t get a ride but at least I know I can use my cell phone and tablet without a problem.

psychosis and pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I wasn’t going to blog today but seeing as I can’t sleep because of pain, I thought I would at least give an update.

I am not doing well. My foot has so many different types of pain going on right now at varying levels that I just want to scream. I am waiting for pain meds to kick in so I can go to sleep. I am fricken exhausted. I did a lot today. I picked up my niece from her after school program and went to Walgreens a few times because even though I got an email saying my prescription was ready, it wasn’t. The doctor’s order didn’t go through yet. But no matter. I got some donuts and my pop tarts that I have been craving. I will NEVER buy “Nice” products again!! Their donuts suck! Actually, I have yet to find a “Nice” product that didn’t suck.

I called my pdoc today to give her an update on the psychosis. She wanted me to go into the hospital. I don’t feel like it. I think that maybe I should but I got to get through this pain flare up. I know they aren’t going to readily give me my pain meds on the unit. I had hell the last time I was on the psych unit to get them. And especially how the stupid script is written, I probably won’t be able to take two at a time like I do when I am home. Sometimes one does suffice, sometimes it doesn’t. I also have to be wary about my birth control pill as I don’t want fucking break through bleeding again. The idiot admitting doc always puts meds at the morning and I take all my meds at night, right before bed. I will have to stress that to the docs and admitting nurses because if I get a call at 8 in the morning to take my meds I am going to be more than pissed off.

I still have the song on loop in my head. And the lyrics are still talking to me about death and dying. I haven’t told anyone. I was going to tell my sister tonight but she was wicked stressed from work I didn’t want to burden her more. I will eventually because it looks like I will be going in. I just want this flare up a little bit under control before I do go in.

It’s really going to suck being inpatient because I won’t be able to blog. I might be able to if I have access to my phone but there is no guarantees that I will. I still am planning on what to pack for clothes and stuff. I have no idea what I am going to read, if anything. I find it hard to read anyways while in the hospital but I might be able to finish the Lincoln book I am reading if I take it with me. Only thing is, it’s a heavy book and I am not sure I want the extra load as I might have to take the T home if my sister is unable to pick me up. I want to pack light but I usually over pack or take too much. I usually end up taking the T to the hospital anyways. This time I am thinking I might go to where I used to work as I am afraid I will end up somewhere else. Only trouble is that I don’t know where I will end up. I hope that I will go where I was before but am afraid the ambulance ride will cost me too much like when I went to the city hospital near my town. Since going on a new insurance, I don’t have 100% coverage like I used to have. I think I have like 80% coverage or something like that. I know I want to bring just one bag with me. And maybe a backpack. I usually pack a bag of clothes and then my backpack has my reading stuff and journal. I usually also carry my pillow as the hospital pillows suck!

I hope the extra trilafon that I am taking helps. I really don’t want to go in the hospital if I can avoid it. But a part of me knows what is probably not going to be possible with the level of psychosis that I have been having.

psychosis and songs

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, psychache, psychosis

I was chatting with a fellow blogger tonight about various things and one of the topics that came up was measures to fix the mental health system. 1) there needs to be more funding to keep existing programs open. 2) needs to be a better crisis response across all state hospitals or city hospitals so that people do not resort to suicide because they got left behind. People have the notion that inpatient hospitalizations are a cure all for all types of psychiatric ailments but what they don’t realize is that treatment hardly exists behind closed doors. Sure medication is dispensed but what is needed is therapy on the floors more than what the nursing staff can provide.

I have been struggling the past few days with psychosis and am wondering if I should be in the hospital. I was able to get a hold of my psychiatrist and she allowed me to take my old go to antipsychotic med that I like when nothing else seems to work. I just took it and I hope that it stops this song that is playing like a broken record in my head. The song is sirens by Pearl Jam. It is striking a chord with me a little too well and is “talking” to me, telling me that I should die. I don’t understand why this is happening, though it seems to be the course after every dissociative episode I face. I become purely psychotic after losing time.

I still am under black clouds. Listening to music is helping. I just wish the feeling like nothing would stop. And I still have the heaviness in my chest. The psychache is in full gear. I guess that is why the song is telling me to kill myself.