Tag: suicidality

decision has been made

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Decision has been made

I will be going to the hospital today for an evaluation. If they deem that I will be hospitalized, then I am not going to fight them on it. My therapist is still wicked concerned that this hasn’t stopped in over a week. I know that once they talk to her, I will most likely be in anyways.

I woke up kind of late today so I didn’t have my breakfast like I wanted. Now I am on my way to the hospital but will be making a Starbucks run first. I need coffee and something to eat. Consider it my last meal in the outside world! Haha.

I don’t know if I will be able to post while I am in the hospital. It all depends on where I will be going. I am nervous about that because they don’t always know where there is a bed available. I hope there is one available locally so I don’t have to worry about a big ambulance bill if I have to be transferred to another hospital. Don’t know if I will have my cell phone access. Different units, different rules.

decisions

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, psychosis, suicide

Yes, my baby has been returned to me and she appears all well and good! I got the delivery just before 1. Now I have a decision to make regarding the hospital, should I go in now or tomorrow. I still am feeling edgy, though the psychosis seems to be lessening. I just don’t feel right. Maybe talking with someone will help and being in the ER environment sometimes is enough to get me back to where I need to be. If I just pack a few clothes in my back pack and stuff, I might just look like I am going in to talk. If I do get hospitalized at least I have my larger bad packed and my sister can give it to me. But then I will be dependent on her and I hate that. I just know that if I carry all my stuff they will talk me into the hospital where as if I just carry light, I might not.

I hate these decisions and I know that it just comes down to me. I just hate when it always falls on my shoulders. I feel is so much responsibility and I just can’t bare it. I would love a ride to the hospital as that would make it easier than taking public transportation. I just wish I knew what to do. I just called my therapist. I already texted her but she doesn’t always respond right away. I would page my pdoc but she would just leave the decision making to me. I know what to say to get admitted and what not to say. Thing is, being psychotic never bodes well for just saying hi and bye. I am really struggling with myself and I don’t like it. It’s like I am drowning and every time I come up for air, I get pulled back down.

I really hope my therapist has a session today. Then maybe we can talk and tomorrow morning I can just go in without worrying about canceling my appointment with her.

rough night of sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, psychosis

I am not feeling good today. I had a rough night of sleep. I really want to get to a Dunkin Donuts for their Roasted Dark coffee and a couple of donuts. But I am too lazy to walk there. Actually, I think that if I did, I would be hurting as my ankle is still tender and sore.

I still am feeling like going to the hospital would be best, if only for a few days. I just am feeling really anxious and stuff. The voices seem to have settled down some but I just can’t stand this depression. It is dragging me down like no tomorrow. I thought today I would be able to work on my editing but I am still overwhelmed with it that I don’t want to try. If I didn’t see the blue screen of death today, I might have tried but I can’t risk losing my files. I have to wait for the new laptop tomorrow before I work on it. I should be home all day tomorrow so there shouldn’t be any problems.

Once my laptop is safely in my possession and I know that there are no problems with it, I will make a decision to go into the hospital. I probably won’t go in till Tuesday. I was hoping for tomorrow but now that doesn’t seem likely as the delivery won’t be till after 2 pm. By the time I get to the hospital it will be kind of late and I might not get where I want to go.

I’m still feeling paranoid, just have the sensation of being watched all the time, and not in a good way.

ankle chronicles 4

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychosis, suicide

Woke up this morning and I am still in fricken pain. It’s so bad that I really can’t move my ankle/foot. It’s the same type of pain I felt yesterday morning that lasted all day and into the night. I slept for about six hours before it woke me up again. I just had breakfast so I am hoping I can get back to sleep. Looks like I won’t be going out today, and if I do it will be comfort food like donuts. I had a good donut at Starbucks yesterday, a raspberry/blueberry one. It was very good. I like their new line of pastries, though it is kind of expensive.

All of this psychosis that I have been having is making me think that life is not worth living. I keep thinking of the studies that show that people that are psychotic are more likely to die by suicide than non-psychotic individuals. Great. Why can’t I go through with what the voices are telling me to do? I am scared though, scared that I might start cutting again because that is what the voices want. I haven’t told anyone outside this blog how things are. My sister wants me to babysit my niece tonight. The only good thing about that is I will have a huge screen TV to watch the game. The little one will be asleep so I don’t have to worry about entertaining her. I have been meaning to tell one of my sisters I am doing poorly but I just can’t seem to bring myself to. It’s not easy telling others that you are psychotic. I told my psychiatrist I was crazy and of course she tells me I am not. OK, like normal people hear voices all the time. And without the stupid “normal” voices, I can’t read like I used to. I need the narrator voice to concentrate while I read. It’s the only way that I can retain the information.

But I am in the middle of a pain flare up. There is no way I am seeking out psychiatric care other than my therapist and psychiatrist. I know that I will be in put in the hospital and I probably won’t have access to my pain meds. That will NOT be good at all. I am so tired of being in pain all the time. I didn’t do anything to my fricken ankle so I am not sure why it’s so angry with me. It hurts all around the bone on the outside of my ankle. It’s like something is crushing the bone, or trying to. It is maddening and despite not trying to think about it, it doesn’t work. The pain is just too intense. I am really hurting and wondering why this is happening to me now. I know that is one of the things that I will be asked when I am in the damn hospital. “What set things off”? I don’t fricken know. Maybe I put too much pressure on myself to complete the book. Maybe it is because I had a dissociative episode and now I am paying the price by hearing voices. I just want it to end, to have the voices stop. I am not hearing them now because I am too tired to listen to them. And somehow when I am in great physical pain, it’s like my psychiatric symptoms are on hold except for the depression. The depression is always there no matter what. And I still feel like I am carrying around black clouds. The thing is, that while you are in the hospital, your medical care goes out the window. They really don’t care about your physical complaints, unless you are having a heart attack or something, then they care.

I am just worried sick about where I will end up and if it will be close to public transportation or not so I can get home without bothering my sister. But if I end up in a faraway hospital, I will need a ride home. I know I shouldn’t be stressing about where I will be placed but it just helps me to know. But none of that matters right now because I am in a pain flare up and until my pain levels are under control, I am not going anywhere.

I had planned on watching college football today and the Sox game but I just don’t feel like it. The Nebraska game will be on at noon today, Sox game is I think at 6, and OSU is at 8. But I just took my pain meds and soon will be seeing Morpheus. You would think that I would be used to taking two pain pills that it wouldn’t affect me now but it still does. Funny how it only seems to affect me during the day and at night, not so much, unless I take an Ativan.

I am mostly packed for my stay. I just need to put in my hormone pills. I hope this works and I don’t get my menses this month. I will really be upset if I get it. Being in a locked psych unit is one thing, but having your menses on the unit is quite another. I am bringing my stuff with me just in case I do have bleeding. I just hope I don’t have to use it.

Damn this ankle pain is so fricken bad. I should probably ice it but I am starting to feel the effects of the pain meds so I know I will be knocked out soon. I don’t want to keep the ice on my foot longer than twenty minutes because that isn’t good. I once fell asleep with the ice wrap on. My foot didn’t like it and was grateful when I woke up and took it off.

For those that are reading my blog for the first time, I have cauda equina syndrome and complex regional pain syndrome that is causing my pain in my ankle. I also have chronic tendonitis in this ankle that no one knows why and has not been helped with standard treatment (rest, elevation, ice, compression). I have nerve damage in this ankle/foot and it becomes fatigued very quickly as I have weakness also.