Tag: suicide attempt

Fall Apart

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Fall Apart

I printed off some stuff for my therapist. It’s only been a few days that she has been gone, but I already miss her. I am really bored and can’t sleep. I keep thinking about how she will be devastated if I were to harm myself while she is gone. It’s holding me back but I don’t know for how long. Things are really tough for me right now.

I feel like I am falling apart. It’s killing me knowing that I can’t end my life this week, or possibly, ever. I am too much of a coward. I spent the night following the All Star Game on Twitter. It didn’t ease my ache. It’s after midnight now and I can’t help thinking about taking my life. I know that I should just go to bed but the thoughts keep swirling like a hurricane. I had a bad headache earlier this evening, but it seems to have dissipated. I took some Advil and it went away. I wish it took the heartache away, too. AL won so they will have home field advantage.

I had posted something about “stopping the use of committed suicide” on my blog yesterday. It was a successful reblog. My cousin read the article and she was grateful as her brother died by suicide in 1998. I didn’t know this. I feel bad for her. I see her soon, I hope. She invited me to a party in August.

I am emerged in suicide tonight. I can’t help thinking about it. But it’s getting late and I should be sleeping instead of falling apart. I hate my life and what it has become. I am tired of being in pain all the time. I am tired of fighting my deepest, darkest wishes. I just wish to be gone. There is no hope for me here. I am a useless SOB.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I am going nuts. All I can think about is death and dying. I really want to die. I wouldn’t mind it if a bus ran me over right now. Though it will be strange for a bus to run me over while I am in my room. Maybe tomorrow it can happen. Or should I say, later today. I just know I don’t want to be here anymore. I am too tired to go on living this way. It’s horrible to be in pain like this and not have a remedy to ease the heartache. I don’t even know what is causing me this pain. It just came on so suddenly and took my breath away. I hate when this happens and there is nothing I can do but listen to music and take an Ativan and hope for sleep. I am so exhausted and I didn’t do anything today to make me exhausted like I am. It’s like I pulled hard labor but I didn’t. Most I did was walk a few blocks to pick up my niece. It was like walking one big block from home to school and back. I usually don’t walk that far because it hurts my ankle. But the weather was really warm and it wore me out walking. I am not even 40 yet and I get so tired so easily. It’s pathetic. I wish my plan were on for Friday. I would end my life then and it would finally be over with. I wouldn’t wake up anymore. I just pass out and die. I won’t say how I will die. I just hope that I do die soon. I pray for death just like those slaves on the plantations that were treated cruelly. But I doubt it. I have a long genes in my family. Hell, my father is 83 and his sister is 91. I don’t want to live that long. I think 39 is a ripe old age.

Blog Post 1206

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide attempt

Blog Post 1206

I slept most of the day today. I couldn’t help it. I was just exhausted. Only time that I had woke up was to relieve my bladder. The first time I woke up, which was around 2300 last night, I had a terrible dream that I killed a chicken and there were signs saying that I should attempt suicide. It was a dream that kept on getting worse and worse until I woke up.

I reblogged a post about suicide and the words you should used. “Committed” is a no no. The person that DIED by suicide hasn’t “committed” a crime in his/her death. I wish people would stop saying it, like the author of the story says.

I got a friend that had a pet chicken and the it died today, suddenly. There was no warning about it. Just up and died. My friend is devastated. I hope my dream didn’t influence the death of this little guy. I already feel awful for having the dream. Then a high school friend of mine dreamt she was fishing and caught a chicken. Don’t know what this means. Just totally fucking weird if you ask me.

My therapist is somewhere on the west coast right now. I have texted her safe travels. She will be going to Hawaii for her mother’s and mother in law’s birthday celebration. I hope the weather is nice for them. She said she will be mailing me a postcard, but it will be ok if I don’t get one. I realized yesterday that she was going to be gone the same week as the All Star Game break. So I have no therapy at all this week. Baseball was my therapy and there are no games until Friday. I really don’t know what I am going to do with my days and evenings totally free. I have a bunch of stuff to read but I can only do reading in spurts. Usually it’s a chapter or two at a time. I still am trying to finish “Uncle Tom’s Cabin”. It’s hard because the writer write how cruel we were to the African-Americans. Not only did they break up families, they also beat them, sometimes to their death. It’s a horrible read but something I think every American should read.

My psychologist friend has stopped his barrage of tweets on the Hoffman report on the APA’s involvement in the CIA’s torture of detainees. He is back at the silly pictures of his dog and other stuff. I am grateful. I like what he has to say, most of the time, but then he gets into a rampage and it’s hard to follow.

I am still sleepy so I might try and take another nap before taking my night time meds. Or I might read. I don’t really feel like doing anything. I just am so tired. I hate feeling this way, of not wanting to do anything. But I haven’t had too many down days. They are too far and in between.

I am nervous about Friday. I see my psychiatrist then. I really don’t want to see her but she insisted on the meeting. She doesn’t care how I feel that day. I am to see her anyways. I guess it will be good to see her as I won’t be talking to anyone this week other than my family. And even then it’s just about things around the house and so forth. I am kind of scared that my mother is going to freak out over the electric bill when it comes in because I have been using the AC a lot. But I cannot tolerate heat, at all! It drives me crazy and that is the last thing you need when you are already feeling suicidal. I have given her more money to put towards the electric bill to compensate, I just hope it’s enough.

The dream that I had this morning was the first dream that I have had in a very long time. I hardly remember my dreams but this one I did. I will be writing to my therapist about it. I don’t know why I was dreaming about signs saying I should “attempt suicide”. And the lettering on all the signs were purple. I guess a part of me is still wanting to try and attempt. In the dream, I was deeply frustrated. I kept screaming or grunting. And then these chickens came out of no where. I stepped on one and killed it, not on purpose. It was hard not to because there were suddenly under my feet. It was very strange and haunting.

Saturday Blog 27: Struggle with Suicide and Bereavement of Others

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, suicide attempt

Saturday Blog 27: Struggle with Suicide and Bereavement of Others

I will never again go to the Square on a Saturday! I got stranded there because there were no buses to take me home. I waited two hours and Twitter was no help in finding out why or the public transportation system for that matter. I had gotten a text saying severe delays due to traffic but not that there would be no service to the Square. I was so pissed. I hadn’t eaten anything but a bag of chips so was starving when I came home. I was lucky my sister was home and could pick me up. Then I got a migraine that just made things worse. So I am writing this blog a little later than usual because of the migraine.

I watched this video about “Life after Suicide”. It really made me think about the people I would be leaving behind and the affect it would have on my “kids”. It also made me feel grateful that I can talk about my suicidal feelings with my therapist and psychiatrist, openly and honestly. I think that if I kept those feelings to myself, I would probably act on it. It helps to hear my therapist say that she would be devastated if I went through with my thoughts. I don’t know how my psych would feel. Probably the same as I have known her for over twenty years. The thing is, I don’t want to live. I had made a decision with myself when I was young to take my life so I wouldn’t be old. Here it is twenty plus years later and I still struggle with suicide. It’s like it gets bashed around, deeply thought about, planned, and just never happens. I haven’t made a suicide attempt since I was eighteen and then I spent two and half months in a psych unit at the local hospital. I had met a psychiatric resident who believed in me and we worked together for three years. It was the most stable relationship I ever had with a professional, aside from my current therapist. I was still in and out of psych hospitals. When I was first hospitalized, I was damned if I was going to end up like the people around me. I was in a lot of psychological pain that I wanted it to end. Even though that pain has subsided somewhat, I still think about suicide. I now suffer chronic physical pain and it keeps the thoughts swirling around in my head.

In the video, the woman who talks throughout it says that you need to talk about suicide. In London, they have a place called the Maytree where suicidal people can stay for up to five days to deal with their crises. It is run by none other than a suicide attempt survivor. I have no idea if a place like that exists in the US. I know in my town, there is something called a residential place that is similar to what they were talking about. It was so long ago, I forget the criteria for going there. I know you had to be a part of the Department of Mental Health system to go to it. I was so ill then. I didn’t stay at the place. It was run down and dirty looking, nothing like the Maytree. But it was an alternative to the hospital. I don’t know if they exist anymore with budget cuts to the mental health system. They closed so many psych units in the last twenty years. Even the world famous McLean Hospital isn’t what it used to be.

Also in the video, there is a segment with Dr. Rory O’Connor (person that I got the video from) that talks about entrapment and how a suicidal person often feels trapped and feels the need to escape. This is often true. I feel trapped because of the guilt I would place on others by my death. I die and others feel hurt. In the meantime, I am left to deal with my own suffering that no one else can feel. How is that fair? And don’t dare tell me life is unfair. I know that already, I live with it every single day. I pissed and crapped my pants today and didn’t know it so don’t bother telling me that life is unfair. Another misery that I have to deal with and don’t want to. Dealing with the physical pain is one thing; it’s quite another to deal with your bodily functions not working right.

Throughout the video, I thought about my friends David and Melinda, who lost their significant others by suicide. David lost his fiancé almost six months ago. His fiancé was my friend Chris. I had felt guilty about his death because I am so involved with suicide prevention and yet I never reached out to Chris. I never knew the demons he was facing. He was always a stand up guy and looking at him, you never knew he was depressed. He hid it well. We will never know what made him take his life. David has been open about his grief on FB and it has been one of the reasons why I am still here. The grief he feels is so palpable it hurts to watch him go through it. Chris was the first friend of mine to die by suicide. I have had other friends die, but not like this. It is a unique death that no one can understand or make sense out of.

random 694

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide attempt

From 1100 to 1600, I voted for Xander Bogearts via Twitter. The only time I was not voting was when I was meeting my psychiatrist. I have a lot of tweets today as I broke the 16,000 mark. I was at 15.8 before voting. I don’t know when the results are going to come out, maybe later tonight. I do hope he wins. He so deserve to play.

Met with my psychiatrist today. We mostly talked about the depression and how it seems to have lifted a little with the addition of vitamin D. I won’t say that I am “cured”, because I still have my down moments, but the heaviness that I was feeling seems to have lifted a little bit. She asked me about my date and if it was still on. I told her I don’t know. She still wants me to see her, regardless on how I am feeling, that day. I think if I don’t see her, I might be hospitalized. We also talked about pain and how it is shooting up my anxiety. I told her I don’t like it because it sometimes lead to agitation and that doesn’t mix well when you are suicidal. She said that it is a physiological fight or flight response. I guess the only thing I can really do IS take an Ativan. She didn’t say it, but implied it. She asked the reasoning of why I picked the date. I told her it was just out of a hat, but it had to be on a Friday so I could mess with statistics. She then told me that she doesn’t want me to be one. I could have argued that I already am one but I didn’t. She didn’t know about the whole suicides occurring more on Mondays than on any other days of the week. And I won’t be dying on a Monday.

I told her that I am going to feel defeated and lost because I didn’t go through with my plans. I already am feel dejected, and it’s still a week away. My life only lives to next week. I can’t see past it. My cousin invited us to his house for a lobster party in August and the first thought I had was that I couldn’t go because I would be dead. I don’t know what I am going to do. I feel so lost and disappointed in myself. I shouldn’t have told my therapist what I was planning. And I SHOULDN’T have told my psychiatrist either. I am such an idiot.

Last night, I was going through my Twitter feed and came across on of my BPD friends who tweeted that she took 26 pills of Tylenol 3. She said she should go to the hospital but she doesn’t want to because she has something planned for Saturday. I reported the tweet and she hasn’t tweeted since that message. I am kind of worried. I don’t know where she lives. I think she is in the UK, but I am not sure. There was no tweet before the one where she said she took the pills so it was obviously an overdose/suicide attempt. When I tried talking to her about the Tylenol damaging her liver, she seemed oblivious to the seriousness of what she did. She just blew it off as “it would take a long time”. I just hope the Twitter folks gets to her and she is in good care.

I got my Kati Kati coffee today. It was so good. I love it! I really got to get a bag. I just hope that by the time my next check comes, it is still around. I have never had this coffee hot before. I only make coffee at home hot because I don’t know how to make it iced. I know I got to double the amount of coffee and such but since I don’t have an ice mug, I kind of just been drinking hot coffee.

I am feeling low. My therapist wants me to write her a letter everyday. I haven’t done one today. I was too busy voting. I brought my tablet to today, thinking I would read while I waited for my doc but I voted then, too. It was too important not to vote. Now the voting has ended and I am blue. I hate when I don’t know what to do with myself. Game is on tonight, but I really don’t feel like watching it. A friend of mine called wanted to know if I was up to watching the game together. He would bring the snacks. But I am not up for company. I am in pain and I am kind of sleepy from the pain meds. I don’t think I will make it past the 4th inning.