Tag: suicide attempt

Diagnosis

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide attempt

Diagnosis

Today I finally learned my diagnosis because my pdoc ordered some blood work to make sure I didn’t mess up my kidneys or liver with the OD the other night. I am bipolar I, currently depressed, severe, without no mention of psychotic behavior. That is a mouthful.

My pdoc wanted very badly to hospitalize me today. She wanted me to “push” her to do it and it wouldn’t have taken much to do. But I told her I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I fought her on it and I am to keep in contact with her the next few days. She is on vacation next week and I don’t see her until the 22nd of Aug. My therapist is on vacation starting Aug 11th. I would most likely be admitted for the whole month of August and I don’t like that. I might go in after I get my narcs for the month from my PCP. I can’t miss that appointment or it screws up the schedule. And the last time I was admitted, he took it as I was going to overdose on my narcs and it just was a mess. I had to pay extra because he only gave me a two week supply. I don’t have the money to be paying double.

I half want to email my doc and tell her I still want to smash my head in with a 20lb hammer. But that might section me as I am already walking a fine line right now. She didn’t kill me like I thought she would but she is very concerned about my welfare. The most she could do was force me to get blood work and an EKG. I hated having both done. But it was better getting them done as an outpatient than as an ER visitor.

Right now I am so conflicted. I want to go in the hospital but I am fearful that the demons will come out like they did in this crazy dream I was having about the hospital. I kept telling them I was going to kill myself when I got out, just watch and because I didn’t have follow up care, they kept me. This went on for weeks, least it did in the dream. I know that if I let myself go, I will hold nothing back. It will actually be interesting to see if they discharge me when I tell them I am going to kill myself. But I don’t think I want to find out. I do know that if I don’t have follow up within a week of being out, they might not discharge me.

But the 20lb hammer thing, it is starting to become obsessive thoughts. I still haven’t figured out how to swing the rope so that it hit me just right. But I keep thinking about it. Or maybe get it square in the forehead and hope it does enough damage. Thing is, I don’t know if I will defend against it. My reflexes are good, I think, so if something is coming at me, I will duck out of the way, which will defeat the whole purpose.

My therapist doesn’t know about this idea either. We haven’t had time to talk about it because she keep doing the SSF (Suicide Status Form) on me to assess how I am doing. That was the other thing my pdoc was asking about, how to keep me safe and what plans are in place so that I don’t do what I did on Saturday again. She knows it will take very little for me to harm myself with the meds that I am on. But both my pdoc and therapist knows I am both careful and smart with my meds. But with my therapist tracking my suicidality, my pdoc felt a little better. Otherwise, I think I would be sitting in the ER waiting for a bed someplace.

I feel really shitty. My bowels are fucked up and I don’t think there is enough senna in the world right now to set them straight. I still feel sleepy most of the time. Exhaustion will just wash over me. I think I am still under the meds hangover. So I think I will skip tonight’s dose too. I will just take an Ativan plus my other meds to sleep. Hopefully, the stupid abilify doesn’t send me into hyper mode. It didn’t last night, I think because I was still harboring some of the mood stabilizer in my system. I slept pretty good, got at least six hours straight, which was better than the night I OD’d. I think my pain meds helped because I was really having zaps and exploding pain going through my foot last night. It literally felt like someone was trying to rip off my big toe and smash it with a hammer. Not a pleasant type of feeling.

I still haven’t gotten around to changing my sheets. I keep saying tomorrow and it never happens. I need to wash my comforter, too. I wish I had the energy to do it.

HOF and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

HOF and other stuff

Today was the induction of several players into the Baseball Hall Of Fame (HOF). Greg Maddux and Joe Torre were among the men being honored. I totally respect Joe Torre because he always has class around baseball and totally respects the game. Although I am a Red Sox fan, I still respect the guy all the years he managed the Yankees. I hope that he becomes the next commissioner of baseball. That will really be good.

I overdosed last night. I kept taking my mood stabilizer until I felt it was enough. Today I am sick and have an awful headache. I researched what the symptoms were of an overdose before I did it and seeing as no one died from it, I figured being sleepy and feeling hungover were okay. My therapist and psychiatrist may not think so, but I am feeling better psychologically. I got the “fuck its” out of my system. Question now becomes do I tell my pdoc what I have done. I have texted my therapist all weekend so she knows what is going on. I am trying to get an appointment with her tomorrow to talk things over. But I don’t know if she still has the time open.

I have been sleeping most of the day and feel the need to lie down every so often. My eyes are kind of dilated so I have been staying in my room so no one notices. I made myself something to eat so my appetite has not been affected. I wish I could say the same for my bowels. They have been hurting me all day. I don’t know if that means that I have to go or not but it’s driving me crazy. I know I haven’t gone in the last few days so tonight I will take a laxative to try and get things moving. I hate feeling uncomfortable. Constipation is a side effect of the meds, not only of what I took, but with the other meds I take.

Despite taking large amounts of the meds, I didn’t sleep very well. Every three hours I was up. It made for a shitty night sleeping. I wasn’t sick when I woke up. I just took more meds to go back to sleep. I knew I wasn’t going to die from what I was taking. I just wanted an escape and it gave me that. It made me forget how I was feeling, least for a little while.

I still am thinking of going in the hospital tomorrow. But I don’t really think it is warranted as I am feeling better. But I will discuss this with my pdoc tomorrow when I contact her. I won’t be telling her what I did or I will be admitted, most likely involuntarily. Thing is I don’t know what to tell her. I sent her a message and I haven’t heard back from her but then she may not check her messages over the weekend. The midnight demons were out Friday night. I basically told her that if something were to happen to me, she wasn’t to blame and she wasn’t a failure. I just ended the message at that. This was before I OD’d.

I so need a cup of coffee. I think that will make my headache go away but it’s too late now for a cup as I will be up all night. I will make it tomorrow morning, that is, if I don’t go out first. I would like to go to Starbucks tomorrow and get a cup. I wish they had my Kati Kati brand. But they are out of it. I could order it, but I don’t have the funds to do so. And I really don’t need another coffee to keep me in the house. I bought their Breakfast blend coffee and when I make it, I don’t leave the house. I have been in the house all weekend. Doesn’t help me when I am so depressed. I am not saying that the overdose cured me of being suicidal but the thoughts have been less since doing it, least the impulsivity of acting on my thoughts. I still want to die but it is less intense than it was on Friday. I still wish I could figure out a gizmo that can swing a 20 lb hammer to smash my skull. My only fear is just knocking me out and surviving. Then I will be stuck with traumatic brain injury which won’t be fun.

I washed my socks today, in preparation for going in the hospital as I don’t have any clean pairs. I doubt I will wear more than one pair as I usually walk around the floor with my slipper socks or slippers. I don’t wear street clothes, though I think you are supposed to. I like wearing my PJs all day. I still am conflicted about going in or not. I know that if I say that I overdosed that will be an automatic admission. But the problem will be that they may take me off the drug and that will be disastrous to me. I don’t plan on overdosing on it but the idiot docs don’t want to take that chance again. I don’t know how I will overdose in the hospital as the nurse watches you take your meds and knows when you don’t take them. Plus the med is a horse pill so trying to sneak it off will be very difficult. It just will be easier if they don’t know what I did. Besides, saying that I will overdose on benedryl is always my back up.

profoundly depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide

Profoundly depressed

I met with my pdoc today. She didn’t talk me into the hospital. I argued against the reasons why I shouldn’t be in (no help basically and just being babysat). I told her about how horrible it was last night. Last night I had the thoughts of preparing and deciding how to kill myself. The thoughts were very intrusive and very hard to distract myself from. I told my pdoc that I thought of paging her but really what was she going to do beside tell me to go to the ER. I left the appointment a little better. I have to contact her on Monday or Tuesday to let her know how I am doing. She kept looking at me oddly when she said this. I don’t know if she was trying to detect my deceptiveness or if I wasn’t telling the truth but it was weird. I told her I had no plans for the weekend. I don’t think telling her “other than killing myself” would have flown very well. I told her I might get my coffee tomorrow to get out of the house and I was just planning on staying in on Sunday, like I usually do. If they had a bus going to my Starbucks, I might go out but they don’t. Sucks relying on public transportation on the weekends because the service is so different than during the week. She seemed ok with the answer but still gave me the odd look and kept saying she wants me to keep in touch with her.

I talked to one of my good friends last night and told him I was feeling like I might go into the hospital again because I just can’t stop thinking about killing myself. All week it has been like this but I have no energy, really, of going through with the thoughts. I just feel stuck. He was supportive and of course, doesn’t want me to die. The hard part is the family piece. I can’t just say bluntly either the hospital or a casket. My family just doesn’t understand when I have to go in the hospital, especially my mother. She thinks it is not an illness after my last hospitalization. She thinks that if I just talk to her, all my problems would be solved. Trouble is, she doesn’t understand any of my problems nor understand that this is a chronic illness I have nor that I don’t want to talk to her, at all. If I can come up with a creative response to why I am in the hospital, that might be good but I am not that creative. I can’t bullshit my way out of a paper bag.

The other problem I have is packing a bag for the hospital. I usually don’t know where I end up so I have to pack as if I am going to a maximum lock down unit. Nothing that I can use to kill myself, obviously, but would be considered a sharp. If I get admitted to the hospital I was at last time, I will be ok because I can have access to my phone and cords for charging. But there is no guarantee that I will end up there and it is a long process! Not only do you have to wait to be seen in the ER but waiting for admission is longer. Last time I was admitted, I was in the ER for almost 20 hours waiting for a bed. And then it was a 4 am admit. Not kidding.

I generally dislike going to the hospital because the beds suck. It more like a cot than a bed. And admission is not long like it was. You will be lucky if you stay more than a week. It really is just a containment and babysitting service. And I don’t think being babysat is not going to help with my self-destructive thoughts. It might help me feel safer because I don’t have access to all my stuff that I can possibly use to kill myself at home. If I do get admitted for possibly two weeks, I will be screwed on discharge because my therapist and psychiatrist are on vacation the following week. Which means I will not have follow up care for two weeks post discharge. Not a good thing when you get out of the hospital. And I don’t know if they will keep me longer because I won’t have follow up care post discharge. Some times, they will keep you longer because you don’t have a close enough follow up appointment. And seeing as I am chronically suicidal, they generally don’t like a far away follow up appointment.

I don’t know what to do. I think I should be in the hospital but the issues of getting there are always a pain in the ass. Maybe I will feel better by Monday and the depression will lift some. Doubt it but it could happen.

Agony

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I got an email from my pdoc today. It was in response to the last email that I sent her, which seems like days ago now. I still am feeling crappy and I told her I was stuck in the black hole of depression. I left out the part of killing myself this weekend, which I might not go through with anyways. I got a lot of supportive comments last night and today with my last blog and that made me feel a little bit better. I was worried that someone was going to send cops after me, but they didn’t. I wrote a thank you comment and stated that my mood had shifted, which it has. My pdoc asked if I wanted to come in, which means in her terms go into the hospital but I told her I was seeing her tomorrow. I just hope that I remember to leave the house early.

It is going to suck tomorrow as I did too much today and my ankle is hurting me. I really need a rest day but I thought I could handle walking from my sister’s work and taking the bus home. I had the worst bus ride home. I thought I smelled because I forgot to wear deodorant, but it was nothing compared to this bus! I also was debating getting my haircut today so I can feel a little better about myself. I decided to get it, even though it meant walking a few more blocks home today. More pressure on my ankle than it wanted. And now I am paying for it.

I saw my godmother today. She is 89 and is not doing too well. For the first time since I have known her, she cried three times because she felt bad that she couldn’t do anything like she used to. She has to have someone with her all the time because the chance of her falling is great. I feel really bad. She got diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease a few weeks before her last birthday. She didn’t seem to be shaking as bad as the last time I saw her. But what got her upset was that she can no longer read the numbers to call people. I don’t know if it is because of her cataracts or just old vision. It was sad to see her sad.

I took my father for his doctor’s appointment. Three hours later, we leave. I was beyond pissed. No one was in the waiting room so I am not sure what the fuck the problem was. I hate my father’s doc with a passion now. He is always late, more than my own doctors, and he is just internal medicine! He isn’t a specialist! With specialists, you sort of expect that you are going to be waiting. It just really put me in a more cranky mood than I was in.

I am still struggling with typing today! I have misspelled so many words, it’s not funny! And it is pissing me off! But I am struggling with my suicidality still. I still want to come up with a will and write people letters on what to do with my demise. Problem with this, is that I don’t really know what to write. I keep procrastinating about it, so I guess that is a good thing because I can’t die if people don’t know what to do after I die. I am thinking of having my friend be the person to call my therapist and psychiatrist that I am gone. Thing that is killing me is that I know it will kill my therapist and psychiatrist to have me suicide. I have been with my therapist for more than 10 years and my psych 20. That is a long time to be with someone. And my psych deserves more than just a phone call. What exactly do you give someone when you are going to kill yourself? I don’t have a date set in my mind like I usually do. This time will just be random. And it’s not like I know what I am going to do to kill myself with. That is bugging me more than anything.