Tag: suicide attempt

pain and baseball

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Game time is in a half hour from now. I don’t know if I am going to watch it. I have been in a blah-exhausted mood all day. I didn’t sleep too well last night as I woke up at three in the morning. Researchers are now saying that this is how people in the 1800s slept. They would sleep and then be up for a few hours in the wee hours of the morning and then go back to sleep. I don’t see how this was as most people got up at the crack of dawn to do farm work. I am usually going to bed at the crack of dawn. That seems to be my norm lately.

My writing buddy has completed her 100 pages for her new manuscript for the month. I have been her coach. Made me think that I should have some writing goals to do in order to get my book done. I just don’t know if I can be held accountable for it though. So I am going to try and write at least two pages in my book a day and see where that gets me at the end of September. Thing is this is hard. Writing about my past is harder than I thought it would be.

Tonight my brother in law’s brother came over for dinner. We get along pretty well and he asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was writing a book and he asked what was the subject matter. I wanted to tell him about suicide attempts but my family was there and I didn’t want to divulge this information. I have told people I am writing a book but no one has really asked what it was about. So I told him it was about my depressions and hospitalizations, which is essentially true. I just didn’t feel comfortable telling anyone that it is about my suicide attempts. I am publishing the book under my pen name.

I guess I could listen to the game, even though it might put me to sleep. I am so damn tired. I had to take a couple of pain pills because I took a shower and my ankle got angry at me. I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I have decided that any pain above a 6 on a scale of 1-10 is going to be medicated. I usually just take a pill if my pain is above a 8 but by then it becomes impossible to control, sometimes. I never know when the pain is going to increase or decrease. Tonight, I just decided I wasn’t going to wait around. I have been going up and down the stairs today so I know my pain is going to increase sometime tonight. I don’t know why I feel I have to justify taking my meds. It should be easy right? You are in pain so you take something for it. But I have voices in my head that doesn’t want me to take any pills so I have them bantering me all the time. Even when I take my regular psych meds they are always interested. Why am I taking it, am I taking the right dose, etc. I can’t stand it when I am hounded all the time every time I crack open a pill bottle.

I am listening to the game. I always know when Adrian Gonzalez is up. He fricken has the cuckaracha music. Drives me insane, most of the intro music for the Dodgers has been awful. All Latin music, which I do not like. And this jackass just hit a home run. On another baseball note, I got followed today by a Toronto Blue Jay. That has to be weird as I am a Red Sox fan. I don’t know why these people will follow me, but oh well. Long as they don’t cause trouble I let them be.

research and school

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

The sound of a million dreams has been running in my head the last few times I have been up in my room. So I had to play the song sung by David Nail. I love this song very much. It has some pretty cool lyrics.

I didn’t know if I would write today. I have written a three page letter to my therapist on the events of the day and feel pretty worn out. I then wrote a few pages in my journal. I left off in my journal about grief affecting my suicidal state. Then the bus came and disrupted my train of thought.

Today’s mail brought me the latest journal Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior. It had a few articles of interest. One article was about treatment resistant depression. Another dealt with the future aspect of time in relation to suicide. The other one that I read with interest was Suicide of the patient, the experience of a Flemish psychiatrist. I find it interesting that most male psychiatrists had a higher proportion of suicides as opposed to female and that Belgium had the highest suicide rate than the US. There is also an article on escape theory that I have not read yet. I get excited when I get this journal. I feel connected to the suicide people through it. I wish I still had access to my work’s network to get research articles on my favorite researchers. I feel so left out because I have to rely on doing pubmed searches but sometimes I don’t get it all because it focuses more on medicine than psychology. So if it is not in a medical journal, I will have trouble finding it. I loved to use psychLit for my searches. I know I need to go back to school but it isn’t practical right now because I just can’t afford it.

It saddens me that I can’t go back to school and I know it is my fault. All the should have’s go through my head and if Only’s. I could have been a PhD by now if I didn’t have my illness and setbacks as much as I have had. It really kills me that I should me further along than where I am right now and I am not. My niece will probably get her doctorate before I can even finish my bachelor’s degree. It’s so messed up.

clinical marker to suicide attempts found

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Just read an article that has me pissed off and I don’t know why. To me, it’s just another nail in my coffin. The article is about how researchers in Ireland found a Biomarker for suicide attempts and drum roll…it stems from whether you are psychotic or not. Great. Just. Fucking. Great.’

Is it too much to ask that I kill myself now before the illness will just kill me anyways???

If you want to read about it, here it is

baseball and a suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging, suicide

I just realized it has been a long time since I wrote about baseball. A lot has been going on in the baseball world, mostly centered on one stupid, arrogant, idiotic player. For those that are in the US, you got it. I am Talking about A-Rod or Alex Rodriguez. I like to call him other things as this F***er is destroying the sport and I am not happy that despite his suspension, he still continues to play. THEN he gets beaned by one of MY pitchers and he gets suspended. Did this pitcher appeal? NO. He took it like a man and that was that. This punk (A_ROID) used PED (Performance enhancing drugs) after the MLB (Major League Baseball) ban on them and is still allow to play because he is fighting his appeal. I really hope that he get screwed big time and has to pay back the money he is getting paid for the games he has played. He is a loser and has been since he became a Yankee. I do not feel bad for him in the least and I hope that he becomes banned from baseball.

On another note, my heart has been heavy since learning of a suicide of one the actors from the TNT show Rizzoli and Isles. He has to be the what fourth actor to die in the last few months by suicide. He was African-American and only 29 years old. I don’t know how they are going to write his character now. I feel for his fellow actors and actresses and the rest of the crew. It really comes to mind the song “how do you get so lonely, and nobody knows”. A fellow blogger posted that song the other day and it reminded me of the lyrics to this song. I can’t think of the name of the person that sings it right now. He was popular for this song only. I don’t think the artist has made an album since this song. He is another one hit wonder.

The actor I am talking about is Lee Thompson Young. He played Detective Barry Frost. I loved his character. I just wonder why he didn’t reach out and get help. I guess we will never know as there was no suicide note found. Not like that makes a huge difference. A suicide is a suicide. He was handsome and talented. And yet he felt, I am assuming, in so much pain. Maybe there was another reason. No one will ever know. As far as I do know, there were no drugs involved. Not like that will matter when you think about suicide. People I think, in my honest opinion, would rather have the drugs or alcohol as a scapegoat to killing oneself to make them feel better. It helps to blame the drugs/alcohol more than anything else because even though no one is to blame for a suicide, people still think it was their fault when it happens. That if they just talked a little more to the person, asked questions, or did something different they could have prevented the person from killing themself. I don’t know if anyone knew he was depressed. I have been going over the suicide blogs on WordPress to see if anyone wrote about this. And one person just chocks it up to the race and the downside of how blacks are killing themselves. I don’t know it is true. I know what the statistics show. So this case fits perfectly within the statistical model of suicide. Yay, does that do anything to help his family? I doubt it.