Tag: suicide attempt

medication and feeling scared

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, psychosis, suicide

Meds and being scared

Yesterday I was in a panic more so when I have to take a bus some place. My hands were trembling uncontrollably for several hours. I was scared. Then when I started writing with pen and paper, it got worse. The only other time this has happened to me was when I was on high doses of trilafon. But I am not taking trilafon for my psychotic symptoms. I am taking another medication called Abilify. And it is causing these symptoms. I am scared because it might mean I have to get off this med and if I do, the voices will run rampant and I will have to be back in the hospital. Usually, taking the Ativan will help bring me down and so far today I don’t have any symptoms. I emailed my doc and she has not responded so I think I am on my own with this. I wish she would respond so that I know I am on the right course. I skipped my dose last night and I am only taking half the dose tonight. We’ll see if I get any symptoms tomorrow.

I have been on this drug for more than a year now. I have never had to take a long term anti-psychotic drug before. Usually the bad voices would go away after taking the meds for few weeks and then I could stopped taking them but after my psychotic break in 2008, this has not been the case. One doctor called me schizoaffective because my symptoms were so bad they were considering putting me on clozaril. But then during one of my admissions I was placed on Abilify and it worked for me better than any other drug. I can no longer take Seroquel or risperadone because they give me worse side effects. I rather have the trembling than my legs kicking uncontrollably or my heart giving me palpitations.

Right now the voices are under control. I am still having break throughs. I have a new voice that likes to talk to me just as I am falling asleep. She just pops her head in and starts talking away. I don’t suffer from visual hallucinations but if I did, that is what I imagine is happening. Then the other voices start up and chime in with their own questions and wondering why I am still here and why am I not working so I have to go into that whole debacle. Or the other voices will talk with the new voice and the whole thing will keep me up because I get agitated by them interfering with my sleep. I sometimes have to referee them. It is very exhausting keeping up with them while listening to music to try and drown them out.

If I have to stop this medication, things will change. I really don’t want the paranoia and delusions to come back. I don’t want the commanding voices to start up again. I will not be able to function. I will really hate not being on this medication. But I am hoping, that I can take another medication to counteract its affects. I kind of feel like Dr. Pearce from Perception where he goes through life unmedicated and still be able to function to some degree. He is able to embrace the voices that he knows are not real. I don’t want to go through that. I went through it once and it was not pleasant. I can handle the three or four voices regularly but I can’t handle the paranoia and delusions. That is more debilitating to me than a conversation of voices in my head.

Maybe If…

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Stages of grief:
Denial and isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

I’m wondering if going through the stages of grief will help my mental state at all? I have been in denial for so long I don’t know if I can really go through it. But I know it will be an interesting topic for my therapist, if I ever show her my writings, and she actually reads them.

I’m reading Noonday Demon and it is reminding me that depression is a passing illness. What you feel today, you won’t feel tomorrow. I find this true and had forgotten it. Some can also be said of the suicidal mind.

I have been trying to make the reaction to suicide paper onger but it is difficult. I think I got to just rearrange the paragraphs so that it will be easier to write.

Maybe by starting out saying I am a multi-attempter who does feel like I am not glad to be alive yet I’m still here. Yet according to research, I should be dead. I wonder why I am stil here after so many failed attempts. I think most likely it is because I have lost confidence in my ability to end my life. It’s almost like a “why bother” reaction. I still don’t have the energy to go ahead with my plans and even though I thought it would be “easy” to hang myself off my porch, I have found that the stairs would be in the way. Another reason I’m still around. I should have done this months ago but I was too afraid of getting caught. And usually I wanted to kill myself after work on a Saturday night, where I know I most likely will not be found till Monday at some point. I had the perfect place picked out that was very secluded.

I guess I am a coward for not going ahead with the plans. And it sucks now that I have to live with this. I can’t die and I am not living. How to keep going, that is the problem and it makes me so sad.

I saw my PCP yesterday and to him I appeared cheerful. How I deceive people. I am so used to hiding what I feel to people, I guess I still have the knack of deception. The day before I was in the throws of horrendous pain and yesterday I am cheerful. Funny, I didn’t feel cheerful. My head was filled with suicidal thoughts so how can I be cheerful? I guess the most depressed is the most well hidden. I have always been able to hide my pain. Even as he was poking around my injured foot. I don’t know if he realizes the struggle I go through every day I am still here. No one does. Maybe I should look into other methods of self-destruction but I doubt I can go through with it so what is the point of thinking of another plan?

I often wonder what would happen in the aftermath of my death. Would I be missed? I often write a suicide note saying no one is to blame. The only person to really blame is myself. IF I had only done things differently-what I am not sure- Maybe I wouldn’t want to end my life. I just know that writing about it is the only escape I have left to me. Now wanted to hear about how suicidal I am anymore. I am sure my therapist would rejoice if I never mentioned suicide again in my sessions. Maybe if I don’t be so ope with them they will go away. This is something I have contemplated for a while now. But the fricken nitwit assesses my psychache most sessions so I cannot lie or betray her confidence in me that I will tell her my thoughts about killing myself. If I say no I have no thoughts I doubt she will believe me anyways. Every day for the past several years I’ve thought about ending my life. Some days I think about it more than others. Sometimes pain dictates the severity of killing myself and the need to escape from it. That is all I desire -> an escape from conscious or in a sleep state. Escape is the biggest reason for suicide. Escae from intolerable feelings of distress one constantly feels. In my case, I want to escape from the pain of living, emotionally and physically. It’s gotten to the point I can no longer distinguish between the two when taking a psychological pain scale assessment. I just wish the pain would stop. No one can find a way to relieve it. Icing/elevating/resting for the past year has not helped. It is very debilitating to be in pain yet it not be relieved but ordinary measures. And the worst part is being flip-flopped to other doctors. It’s the merry-go-round of health care. This doctor says it’s this, that doctor refers you to another doctor who refers you to yet another doctor and the answers are the same. Nothing is wrong with you that they can fix so it has to be coming from the back but even the neurosurgeon says there is nothing wrong. So why bother going to all these doctors anymore. While visiting my primary, he wanted me to go back to my physiatrist (doctor that specializes in muscles and joints). I am DONE seeing specialists. And besides this doctor moved her office to another site that I can’t get to. I don’t believe there is public transportation to her new office. I really liked this doctor too. She has been the most straight forward of all the other numbskulls I have seen. And besides, I know she is just going to say I have tendonitis. A tendonitis that flares up unexpectedly at times when I am at rest. Makes no sense. But then she’ll go back to the diagnosis of CRPS and I’ll be sent off back to my primary for pain management. And so the flip-flop goes.

Yesterday, I had some weird symptoms that I believe are from the anti-psychotic that I take to control my voices. It was liking I was having Parkinson’s symptoms. When I came home last night it wasn’t so bad, I didn’t take my regular dose and took some Ativan to calm me down as it was making me anxious. I emailed my pdoc to let her know and I still have not heard back from her. I see her on Friday anyways and other than me skipping and lowering my dose, there is nothing more that she can do. The only thing that sucks after this is that my hands feel fatigued.

I had a good night last night as I went out to dinner with some friends. Again the FB status that I posted came back to haunt me. That really pissed me off. I don’t understand why people take things so seriously and then can’t let it go. Isn’t it obvious I was having a bad night and couldn’t you just say you were sorry I having a rough time? But no…the part about me saying that no one cares is the foremost thing that should be talked about. This is what I posted “Everyone turn a blind eye to the pain I experience every day. So be it. When they ask for something I will just tell them no I can’t do it because of pain. Maybe then they will get the message. I am too tired of fighting all my thoughts are dark and no one cares or gives a shit” I don’t think I offended anyone or singled out any one person but apparently, I was not supposed to feel this way and post this. FUCK YOU, I will post what I want to post. Just like I will post whatever I feel with my blogs. The sad part is that a couple of close friends reacted to the status. Not one family member did. Shows you that you don’t have to be a blood relative to care.

You know you’re having a bad day when

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, physical pain, suicide

You know you’re having a bad day when…

You know you’re having a bad day when you wake up and a half hour later you are in severe pain. I just can’t believe my foot acted up. But then, this has been happening for the last few weeks. I can’t stand it anymore. I lose sleep because I am in pain and then when I do wake up, I am in pain again? It’s not fair! Usually my day time hours I am in manageable pain. It has gotten to the point where I don’t even notice it anymore. Now all that has changed. I don’t know if something else is going on with my foot, if I did something to cause it to be this way or if it is just nerve damage. I don’t really care of the cause, I just want pain relief. Luckily taking pain meds in the morning are working but it leaves me exhausted the rest of the day, even with a cup of coffee. Though my Starbucks funds are running low, I won’t be going there soon until my next pay period. I guess I over indulged when I bought myself some treats. Can’t help it. I love their coffee cakes.

Yesterday I was reading my support group email and a friend was telling the group how you need to mourn the loss of your old self as you are never getting back to it. Then a fellow blogger wrote the same sentiments about her illness and how disabled she felt but didn’t realize how much of herself had gone by the way side since becoming ill. She was crying as a way to mourn that loss. It got me thinking…maybe I am so suicidal because my grief is just too great. I got CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome, at the age of 25. It is a syndrome of nerve damage caused by compression of the cauda equina nerves, the horses tail, that is at the end of the spinal cord. These nerve control the function of everything below the waist, from leg movement, to going pee and having a bowel movement, to sexual function. It also controls sensation and proprioception, the awareness of where your legs and feet are. Once this is gone, your balance is affected. You might lose control of one or both your legs. You might not walk correctly anymore.

I have been through a lot the past year and a half. I have been diagnosed with a nerve condition called complex regional pain syndrome (CRPS), which is the chief source of my foot/ankle/leg pain. It is caused by already damaged nerves and aren’t I the lucky one to get both conditions. Since I have been diagnosed, I have been really depressed. I know there is no treatment other than opioid therapy. Though I have been in therapy with the same therapist for the last twelve and a half years, I still have not thought how much these conditions have affected my life until now. I no longer can work. At one time I was working three jobs. Now I can barely do one. Before going on disability, I was working two jobs. I wasn’t happy. Both jobs were stressful and caused me sometimes sleepless nights. But then I sprained my ankle and everything started to go down hill after that. I couldn’t figure out why the ankle, which should have healed in the allotted time, was still causing me pain. Why my leg still had swelling, why my foot and ankle were swollen. It didn’t make any sense. I saw one doctor after another. Podiatrist, orthopedists, physiatrists, neurologists. None could give me a clue until the symptoms became worse and a picture of CRPS started to emerge. By that time, I was having difficulty working both jobs. I ended up going to the emergency room in severe pain, pain that was causing me to think of suicide as a solution to end it because nobody could help me. I went to physical therapy and they were the ones to notice I wasn’t walking correctly. My foot does this swing thing that pulls at muscles it’s not supposed to while I walk, but only does so when I become fatigued. Which, one physical therapist showed, happens very quickly. And that is because I never regained my strength in my foot after getting CES. I never thought that at the age of 36 I would be disabled. And it hurts. Not having the social support of my coworkers anymore hurts. Not having contact with people outside of my family hurts. My friends that I thought would always be there are there no longer. They all went on with their busy lives and stopped texting and calling to see how I was doing. I don’t blame them. But I do miss them.

I guess when I have had uncontrollable sobbing episodes it was because of my grief that I have been avoiding all this time. I don’t know how to deal with it. I never thought that I would be in mourning. I never thought that I would lose my job because I couldn’t walk anymore. I still am able to walk just not for long distances. I can’t stand for more than twenty minutes without pain. I used to be able to do so much and now I can’t do anything. And because I am not financially stable. I can’t even go back to school while I ponder what my next move is. College is too expensive for me to afford. Even at the state school. I know I should put some time into getting a grant or something but I wonder if I am too “old” to get it. I have had to put my college education on hold because of my mental illness back in 2008 and I have not returned to school since then. But then I am not sure I can walk around campus and do the stairs like I used to. There is a lot of loss in my life on a very personal level. How do you mourn the loss of your functions? How do you get used to not doing something as “simple” as walking. I have had to relearn to walk again twice in my life. How many people can say that?

It makes me angry at times. I guess that is why I have been having fits of anger for no reason. I will just be in my room playing on my laptop or writing when all of a sudden these waves of anger will wash over me. I guess it is all part of the grieving process. And isn’t one of them denial?

UGH..another plan down the drain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide attempt

UGH For the first time in years, I am having a problem connecting to the internet at Starbucks! This sucks because I wanted to look up lyrics for my lyric book and hopefully work on my other book today. But now it looks like I will just work on my other book. And my blog.

I started thinking about what I was going to write. Last night I was too tired for the demons to come out. I actually thought I would be up will at least 2200 but I was a goner before that time. I was watching the movie Lincoln and really don’t know what time I passed out. The thing that sucked was that I woke up at 6:30 in the morning. I fell back to sleep after I had something to eat. Now I am having my coffee and I am contemplating what to have for lunch. I need to get some more Gatorade as I am running low. I have to take it with my meds as water sometimes causes some of the pills to dissolve quickly in my mouth and it is gross.

It is very difficult writing this book. I am all over the place with my thoughts. I still cannot connect to the internet while at Starbucks. I guess I will upload this when I get home.

I am feeling a little lost today. I was supposed to kill myself today. That was the plan for the longest time. And like I thought, I don’t feel like killing myself. But that doesn’t mean that I am not suicidal. I just feel like I let myself down, again. I don’t know why I bother saying I am going to kill myself if I am not going to go ahead with it. I think I am just the “cry wolf” so many times that I actually don’t think I am capable of killing myself despite coming up with elaborate plans to do so. All that planning has gone to waste. I find it depressing that I am not living yet I can’t die. I really wish my body would wake up and realize how dead I feel inside all the time. I can’t feel happiness. I can’t feel joy. All I feel is this emptiness inside that is killing me. I really feel that if my feelings were connected to my autonomic system, maybe I would have the chance of dying in my sleep.

I am fricken cold in the Starbucks today. I meant to bring a long sleeved t-shirt but I forgot it. I actually have no idea where my long sleeved t-shirts are. I think they are buried with my other winter clothes. I have an hour before the bus gets here. I just missed the one I could have taken but I really want to get a few pages of my book writing in.

I started re-reading the article on suicide reaction and it just further justifies the reasons why I should be dead and not living. I feel I have no future. I really thought I would be dead this weekend so I have stopped thinking about what the next few weeks will bring. Or months.

My writing friend has come up with giving rewards for writing as an incentive. My gift to myself this month is getting Luke Bryan’s new CD. And possibly Keith Urban’s new one as well. It all depends on what is left over after I pay my bills for the month. I hate budgeting. I feel like I need to get a job just to have spending money for the month. But as long as I am still owing money for my LTD, I can’t get a job. This so sucks. I don’t even know if I will be able to find a job. I have been out of work for a year now and even though I kind of like my new routine, it is pretty boring. My only respite is getting out for coffee each day, other than going out for doctors appointments. I just don’t know if I can handle the challenge of working again. I am so fearful that mentally I will have a breakdown because it will be too stressful or that the voices will be too much and I will have to quit. I really would love to work for Starbucks but I am not sure I can stand for eight hours or more. I know that I won’t be able to do stock because I can’t lift anything heavier than fifteen pounds. And I can’t bend over because of my back issues. I really just need a desk job but then I worry that I will have lose my insurance. I know I will lose it once the LTD stops. I will then have to go on the state plan and hope that my primary doc accepts it. I don’t know if I will have to pay for it. I hope I don’t because I am on disability. I also have been thinking of applying for food stamps because I can’t afford food shopping in my budget right now. I have been living off whatever my mother cooks and buys but it would be nice to have my own food, which she doesn’t like. Granted I buy the cold cuts that are “expensive” but it is what I like. Boar’s Head is not cheap but it is so good. I also like getting the PF Chang Chinese frozen dinners that you just heat up on the stove. Again my mother doesn’t like this but I do. It beats buying $20 (USD) of take out Chinese but the down side is no appetizers. But this month I plan on treating myself to Chinese because I didn’t kill myself. I think that is a good enough reason…